Failure to Launch (2006)
Sarah Jessica Parker: Paula
Photos
Quotes
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Paula : Hey-hey.
Kit : Hey... Paula... Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.
Paula : It's Friday.
Kit : Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.
Paula : Huh... for the third straight week.
Kit : There's talk of making it permanent.
Paula : Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?
Kit : Right, but for booze.
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Tripp : Do you have real feelings?
Paula : Of course I have real feelings!
Tripp : For what?
Paula : For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
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Paula : I'm Paula.
Tripp : I'm Tripp.
Paula : You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.
Tripp : I don't think this counts as a first date.
Paula : It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.
Tripp : Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight?
Paula : Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?
Tripp : Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.
Paula : [perplexed] Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
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Tripp : All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?
Paula : I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.
Tripp : What if I took you to a restaurant?
Paula : Are you gonna pretend to own it?
Tripp : No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.
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Paula : [of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway?
Veterinarian : I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.
[the dog whimpers]
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Kit : [inquiring after Tripp's buddies] The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do?
Paula : Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.
Kit : [mockingly] How will I choose?
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Paula : Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.
Al : But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?
Paula : You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.
Sue : That is pretty much how it works.
Al : What about sex?
Paula : Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...
Sue : Is there anything that we need to do?
Paula : Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.
Sue : I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.
Paula : I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.
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Paula : Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand.
Tripp : You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet.
[handing over $300 to Paula]
Tripp : There's three hundred dollars.
Paula : Oh, come on, Tripp!
Tripp : It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.
Paula : Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.
Tripp : Get the fuck outta my car.
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Paula : Nothing like the threat of decapitation to make it a little more interesting.
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Kit : [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No.
Paula : It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.
Kit : First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.
Paula : No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.
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Tripp : So what do we do now?
Paula : Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me?
Tripp : Hmm...
Paula : Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.
Tripp : We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?
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Kit : Okay, look. I know I'm a girl and I'm supposed to be better at this emotional crap. But I'm not, so I'm just going to say it. I'm sorry that I pointed out to you that you fell in love with a client and that made you go crazy and turn into a total bitch.
Paula : [after a long pause] Wow. That must have been really hard for you to say.
Kit : I thought it was going to be but I just kind of breezed right through it.
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[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]
Paula : Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?
Techie Guy : A shocking number, actually.
Paula : Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...
Techie Guy : [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.
Paula : But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!
Techie Guy : He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.
Paula : That's you! You're Luke!
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Paula : I had a nice time.
Tripp : I did, too.
Paula : Good.
Tripp : I had fun.
Paula : Good.
Kit : [screaming at the bird outside] SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD BIRD!
Paula : Hey, Kit.
Kit : What? Hi. Can you guys see me?
Paula : Yeah.
Tripp : Yeah.
Kit : Oh, great.
Tripp : What?
Paula : Dinner and a show.
[kisses him]
Paula : Good night.
Tripp : Good night.
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Paula : [about the dog] He saved my life, you know.
Veterinarian : He did?
Paula : And now I can't do anything for him, and I...
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Paula : I'm so glad you're here.
Tripp : Yeah, of course I am.
[about her dog]
Paula : Um, can I have a minute alone with him? Thank you.
Tripp : I'll be right outside.
Paula : Okay.
[Tripp leaves]
Paula : [to the Vet] Ah, thanks, Gretchen.
Veterinarian : Anytime.
Paula : Oh, gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?
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Paula : So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.
Tripp : Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.
Paula : Who says you have to be lonely?
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Paula : [to Kit] Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.
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Paula : [at the end of a paintball game, she shoots an opponent who's been trash-talking to her throughout the game] Who's laughing now?
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Sue : I don't know what to tell ya, honey, but, uh, that strict program o' yours?
Paula : Mm-hm.
Sue : You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.
Paula : What?
Sue : The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's gettin' ready to dump 'em.
Paula : Really? Well, that's not happening.