- Molly McCorkle: You've heard of the Hatfields and the McCoys?
- Jimmy Haskell: Yeah.
- Molly McCorkle: Well this is a fight between the Haskells and the McCorkles.
- Inmates: [singing] You gotta get up, you gotta get up, you're in the army now!
- Jimmy Haskell: Johnny plays the bugle, he knows the calls from A to Z. But he's always at his best when blowing reveille.
- Inmates: So Johnny blows and blows...
- Jimmy Haskell: He toot-a-lee-toots you into your clothes.
- Inmates: And makes you rue the day that you were born. There's nothing any one can do. The captain has to make it too! So you gotta get up, you gotta get up!
- Jasper: Well, it didn't take you long to undermine me with your uncle, did it?
- Jimmy Haskell: Hmm, mmm.
- Jasper: How do I know you didn't write that yourself?
- Jasper: You know very well that I have charge of the Happiness Hour during Mr. Haskell's absence. He trusts me implicitly.
- Jimmy Haskell: Well, not a hundred percent.
- Jasper: I beg your pardon.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: And I told him when he opened this place, he'd never make a go of it.
- Jimmy Haskell: Well, he kept it fairly successful for 25 years. That's not bad.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: How can a man transact any business with that going on, day after day. Tom Toms and jungle screechers! They're a menace to sanity!
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: Well, Jimmy, what's it going to be? You can stay here chasing rainbows or you can come with me. I can show you a real pot o' gold that's your's for the taking.
- Jasper: Well, Miss McCorkle, as you can see, I'm here with the law.
- Molly McCorkle: For protection, huh?
- Jasper: Certainly not!
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: That's a good idea for my radio program, tomorrow night. You've heard my Happiness Hour, of course?
- Jimmy Haskell: Oh, yes. Everybody's heard that - once.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: Listen to this: The clouds that make the day so gray, Will sooner or later pass away; there's always a pot o' gold a the end of the rainbow. Good old home spun philosophy.
- Molly McCorkle: Wouldn't you like to give me a good swift kick before you go?
- Jimmy Haskell: Oh, no. It's all right. This has been fun here.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: It's a gross miscarriage of justice. They can't do this to me! On the other hand, what are you doing here?
- Jimmy Haskell: Oh, well, just another country boy got mixed up with a lot of evil companions.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: I've been double-crossed! Get me a drink. Bands! Country Clubs! The McCorkles! Get me a drink, do you hear!
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: [in 'Fairy Tales' dream sequence] Gadzooks! Stop that infernal music!
- Ma McCorkle: You white-headed old baboon! This is just...
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: Quiet, wench!
- Jimmy Haskell: [reading the Happiness Hour radio script] The pansies... the pansies and lilies and primrose so fickle, They're ours to enjoy without spending a nickel.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: This is my room, if you want me. I'm going to take a hot bath, a hot toddy, and go to bed.
- Molly McCorkle: Snooky! Oh, where have you been, my sugar plum? Why did you leave me in Battle Creek, Michigan, the way you did? Oh, Snooks! Why, you're not my Snooky at all.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: They're in the phones now! Listen to that!
- Jimmy Haskell: [takes the receiver] Oh yes, very beautiful string quartet.
- Charles 'C.J.' Haskell: String cor-tet? That's bugles!
- Horace Heidt: [writing down a medical report] Hears bugles in phone.
- Molly McCorkle: On your feet, big boy! If you think the McCorkles are going to let any Haskell fight their battles for them, you're cuckoo!
- Jimmy Haskell: Now, if you think the Haskells are going to let the McCorkles kick them around, you're cuckoo too.