Positivity overdose

Wait what?? Why does that sound like an oxymoron?

From what I have always heard and believed, being positive is a blessing and a desirable trait because it helps us and everyone around us. Who WANTS to be miserable or deal with someone who is sulking? No matter how hard we try, we sometimes experience these emotions and see others go through them. The solution seems very simple – “Stay positive!” I am sure all of us would have heard multiple versions of this statement and we would also would have tried to look on the brighter side and count our blessings. Many times, it may have helped as well! So, how could positivity ever be an overdose?

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with an old friend who is in her late thirties. She had just met with an astrologer who predicted that she wouldn’t live for very long. Even though she knew that it was not an absolute truth, she felt anxious and worried about the possibility of it coming true. She thought about what would happen to her children, how difficult it would be for her husband to put up a brave face and shuddered to think how her parents would deal with it. She would wake up in the middle of the night in horror following a series of nightmares. Everyone around tried to pacify her by saying things like it was silly for her to feel that way, these are not things that can be predicted and that she was overreacting. I am sure they had the best of intent in mind because they loved her, however it did more harm than good to the very person they tried to help. After a while she just stopped sharing how devastated she was because she knew that no one would even acknowledge her feelings and only ask her to be positive. Was it actually an overreaction? Maybe, but it was REAL, and she ended up fighting it alone.

More often than not, it is about BEING there for a person rather than provide a solution. Sometimes statements like, “I understand how painful this could be for you” could be much better than “Don’t think about it and stay positive”. It is about standing strongly with a person to help them wade through a storm till they emerge from it. We can even watch them solve it for themselves while we only share the intensity of the storm and make it less painful for them. A quick analogy I can think of is a flock of birds who fly in a ‘V’ shaped structure. It was fascinating to learn that each bird flies slightly above the bird in front of them which reduces the wind resistance, and they take turns being in the front, so it conserves their energy. At times, you may want to take on the role of a lead bird for a while and that’s all that is needed.

Having said this, not all positivity is harmful. It is only the one in the term called ‘toxic positivity’ which is the culprit. Toxic Positivity is a dysfunctional coping mechanism as it bases itself on the denial of any negative emotions and glamorizes positive emotions. I am sure we agree that anger, sadness and fear are as realistic as pleasure, happiness and calmness! So why the discrimination? As a matter of fact, neuroscientific evidence shows that there is greater neural processing in the brain to negative stimuli, so

negative emotions are quite important to our survival. God forbid, imagine you break an arm but continue to remain in a state of ‘pure bliss’! Seems bizarre right? Or, how would you feel if someone in this scenario talks about how lucky you got because the rest of your bones are intact? Maybe, you’d like to break at least one of theirs and check if they felt any better? ?? Well, like stated earlier, the intent is always right, it is just a habit of forcing down positivity that does not work all the time.

I would like to quote the concept of an ancient Chinese philosophy called ‘yin and yang’. It beautifully explains how obviously opposite or contrary forces may be complementary in the real world. Therefore, it is sadness that gives any meaning to happiness in the first place. It may be a good idea to allow ourselves and our loved ones to feel an emotion, BOTH negative and positive and making sure they know we are there for them no matter what. For all you know, it may be the only thing that someone needs especially through difficult times like these.