We've all fallen prey to the hypnotizing spell of late-night infomercials and shopping networks—or at the very least, an extremely persuasive blog post—and purchased a random, highly specific piece of kitchen equipment in a moment of weakness. Some of those tools are actually useful (looking at you, genius coconut opener thingie), but the vast majority are not. Case in point: the 10 totally useless kitchen tools featured here, all of which are doing nothing but taking up precious drawer, counter, and cabinet space. (Not to mention the space they hold on our souls when we allow them to collect dust, unused and unloved.)
Here's a list of ten things you definitely do not need:
1. Shredder Claws
God gave us forks for a reason. And you probably already have a bunch of them. You simply do not need to feel like a primal beast of the wild whilst pulling apart your barbecued meat. If you're doing some Wolverine cosplay though, of course pick up a pair.
Bear Paws Shredder Claws (for playtime, not dinner time) $12.95 on Amazon
2. Avocado Slicer
Our friends at Bon Appétit agree with us, an avocado slicer is the last thing you'll ever need. First of all, not every avocado is exactly the same. And yet an avocado slicer has a fixed shape. These two truths make for unhappy guacamole-making. And no guac fest should ever be less than ecstatic. What's more, avo slicers mush more than slice, they clog drawers, and they don't care about your feelings. (I made up that last part, but it's probably true.)
There is, however, one avocado accessory that's totally legit.
3. Pizza Scissors
Pizza is great. We can all agree on that one point, right? But if I see you cutting your pizza with a pair of scissors, I am leaving your pizza party immediately. And that's because you're ridiculous and your pizza scissors are about to get seriously gunky. If you really need a specialty device for segmenting pizza, wheel slicers have been around a lot longer (and a chef's knife works just fine too).
Joseph Joseph Easy Clean Disc Pizza Wheel, $12 at Sur la Table // Or read all about our three favorite chef's knives.
4. Strawberry Huller
I'll be the first to admit this device is adorable. It looks like some accessory that came with a Strawberry Shortcake bake set back in '85. But here's the thing: cooking devices should not feel like medical devices and using this strawberry huller feels distinctly like jabbing a syringe into your poor, defenseless berry. Paring knives are cheap, easy to come by, and honestly can be just as cute.
Wüsthof Zest-Colored Paring Knife, $9.95 at Sur la Table
5. Pampered Chef Cut-n-Seal
Take it from Epi team member Chelsea Kyle, who used to own one of these deceiving devices, which purports to seal a sandwich into a round pocket, thereby cutting away the crust: "I used it once, then—years later—had to pry it off of the shelf it had rusted into." Don't trust Chelsea? Then take it from "Grandma from Indiana" who wrote in the product comments on Amazon, "This does not work well for me. It did not cut the edges away, so I had to trim it off with a scissor." (Let's hope she wasn't using pizza scissors.) Anyway, she continues, "it pulled the top piece of bread apart, so the contents came out." Sorry, Grandma from Indiana, you didn't deserve that.
Want a sandwich in a pocket? Make a pasty.
6. Garlic Press
I once heard a man joke that he and his wife love having a garlic press because at least once a week it jams their utensil drawer, inspiring them to just forget about cooking and order take-out. My coworker Anya has expressed similar distaste for the garlic press. I concur with everything she said. Want garlic paste? Microplane it.
Microplane Soft-Handled Zester, $14.95 at Sur la Table
7. Fruit and Vegetable-Specific Storage Containers
Repeat after me: Just because it's shaped like a fruit or vegetable does not mean it will keep your produce any more fresh than any other storage container. These quirky, unstable containers will also turn your fridge into a minefield, constantly toppling over. What you really want is a collection of containers in various sizes that stack neatly. And if you want to know the best way to store tomatoes (and more), we have a whole host of guides on buying and storing groceries on Epi. You're welcome.
Rubbermaid Brilliance 14-Piece Food Storage Set, $24.99 on Amazon // Want to get rid of plastic storage solutions altogether? We've got you covered there too.
8. Hamburger Patty Molds
I mean, what!? Who can't form a burger patty with their hands? In addition, what's with the attempt at fake grill marks? Who wants that? And if you are using a burger press and really giving it some elbow grease, you could be doing yourself a disservice, as the best burgers are only lightly patted together.
Make patty melts, not patty molds.
9. Turkey Baster
Leaving aside all other turkey baster jokes, the turkey baster is something you definitely do not need. Even if it did make turkey juicier—which it doesn't—it's something you only use once per year. And when Thanksgiving rolls around, you have enough to worry about without this glorified squeeze bottle's useless shenanigans running you around.
The real trick to better turkey? It's mayonnaise. Yes, really.
10. Toaster
Not only is your toaster collecting crumbs that you never remember to clean, it's causing you more hassle than you realize. Are your brunch guests okay with waiting for you to toast enough bread for the lot of them? No, they are not. But you're a loner, you say? Only need toast for one? Well my coworker Kat Sacks has you covered on either front. Stop wasting counter space and $$$ on this monstrosity, when you could be toasting bread the Argentine way? Charred bread and a worldly attitude? Win-win.
If you MUST have a toaster, this Smeg one is at least super cute.
Now that you've gotten ride of the riffraff, here's everything we know about the most essential of all cooking tools:
