Terry Pratchett's Hogfather

Terry Pratchett's Hogfather is a 2006 television adaptation of the Discworld novel of the same name by Terry Pratchett. When the Hogfather (the Discworld equivalent of Santa Claus) goes missing on Hogswatchnight, Death is forced to take his place while his granddaughter Susan tries to find out what happened.

Narrator

• Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists would disagree. There is the constant desire to find out where - where is the point where it all began. But much, much later than that the Discworld was formed. Drifting onwards through space...atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle, the great Atuin. It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are sooner or later about blood. At least that's one theory. The philosopher Didactalus suggested an alternative hypothesis: 'things just happen, what the hell'. And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld. A city where magic is just another job, and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards looms over all the dark narrow streets...Our story begins on a midwinter festival bearing a remarkable similarity to your Christmas. And so...it was the night before Hogswatch.

Death

• Could I give you a hand?.
• Onwards, Binky, to the Hogfather's Castle of Bones.
• Oh, yes, and um...Ho Ho Ho.
• Applesauce.
• You might think I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Susan Sto Helit

• And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinged about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.

• Go away, I don't do that stuff anymore.

• (To monster): Go away and stop bothering me.

• His name is Bilius. He's the Oh God of Hangovers.

Others

• Man: Ye gods, there's a girl out here with a poker!

• Twyla: Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry.

• Mr. Teatime: (About Banjo) What is this? Does it do tricks? (Laughs) It looks like a volcano.

• Ridcully: In my day, when I was an undergraduate, I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatchnight. It's just not natural.

• Mr. Sideney: It's a very enemy-friendly spell. Sir.

• Mr. Brown: There you are, I've unlocked it. (Banjo pushes the door in) And Banjo's opened it.

Dialogue

Lord Downey: The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dog does not appear to have woken up. The squeaky floorboards haven't. I really doubt that you are a ghost. And gods generally do not announce themselves so politely. You could of course be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties - besides, I'm feeling quite well. (Auditor appears.) Hm. Good evening.

Auditor: Good evening, Lord Downey.

Lord Downey: You wish someone inhumed?

Auditor: Brought to an end.

Lord Downey: Our scale of fees -

Auditor: The payment will be three million dollars.

Lord Downey: No questions asked, I assume.

Auditor: No questions answered.

Lord Downey: We need to know your name. Or names. In strict client confidentiality, of course.

Auditor: You may think of us as...the Auditors.

Lord Downey: Really? What do you audit?

Auditor: Everything. We maintain the logical order of the Universe.

Lord Downey: I think we need to know a little more than that.

Auditor: We are the people with three million dollars.

Lord Downey: We need to know where, when, and, of course, who.

Auditor: The location is not on any map, and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow. This is essential. As for the who - let us call him the Fat Man.

Chickenwire: That's a wizard.

Mr. Sideney: No I'm not! I'm incognito.

Lilywhite: Yeah...right.

Albert: What good is a god that gives you everything you want?

Death: You have me there.