When a loved one dies, processing grief and facing changes to family life can be overwhelming to everyone. This tragedy can be even harder when the loss is traumatic or occurs unexpectedly. It's particularly important to consider the unique needs of children during the grieving process. A child’s grief may be expressed in different ways depending upon their age and stage of development. For example, children under five may believe death is temporary. Older children may understand the finality of death but hold misconceptions about its causes. Understanding how children may react when coping with loss and knowing what you can do will help everyone through the grieving process.
Understanding How Children Grieve
Grief can affect how children express their feelings, relate to others, process information, and behave. These reactions can be immediate or delayed and vary in intensity. It can be difficult to know how well a child is coping, especially as other family members are dealing with their own grief.
Younger children might:
- Respond with behavioral changes like crying more, acting more irritable, anxious, or withdrawn.
- Misbehave or show “acting out behaviors” may be expressing anger or sadness as their way of feeling in control.
- Repeatedly ask the same questions or talk about the person who died like they will be coming back and not understand that it is permanent.
School-age children might:
- Better express their emotions and might be more likely to say they are sad or angry.
- Experience guilt or blame themselves for their loved one’s death, as their cognitive skills are more developed than younger children’s.
- Develop fear about the safety of other loved ones and report not wanting to go to school.
- Report physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches.
- Children may seem like they are not upset, which could be a sign of shock. Detaching or distancing themselves from their feelings may be a way to ward off pain.
Adolescents and teens might:
- Seek comfort from peers rather than family.
- Test the limits more than usual.
- Engage in risk taking behaviors to express their distress or avoid dealing directly with their emotions. Show signs of withdrawal or depression.
These feelings and behaviors generally are likely to get better with time; however, if they persist or cause problems with your child functioning in school, with friends, or at home, your child may be experiencing more serious psychological health concerns like depression. In any case, they may benefit from working with a mental health professional who specializes with children. Other signs of serious concerns can include loss of interest in daily activities, isolation from family or friends, trouble sleeping, and loss of appetite. If you notice any these signs or any lasting or significant changes in your children, seek help from a psychological health professional.
What Can You Do as a Parent or Other Adult?
As your children react to the death of a parent or loved one, you might feel powerless to help them feel better. Remember, most children faced with loss will only need the love and support of the adults around them to cope. There is additional help for those who need it. It’s important to listen and respond patiently when your children are expressing any of the above feelings or behaviors after loss.
Tips for Helping your Child
- Role model coping skills and strategies during distressing times.
- Give open, honest, and direct answers to their questions with words appropriate to their age, especially as the experience around death can be quite confusing for a child. Listen carefully and verbalize often.
- Listen and validate their emotions. Their feelings are ok, and it helps to express them. Help them answer questions their friends or peers may ask.
- Avoid implying or stating they should “move on” or “get over it,” so you do not minimize their struggle.
- Provide warm, consistent caregiving. Model ways to express emotions and incorporate these ways into life experiences, recognizing when your child might be struggling.
- Try to get back to normal routines at home because children tend to thrive on consistency. Maintain a consistent schedule for school activities and bedtime rituals, which will help children establish security after a loss.
- Ask open-ended questions to ‘check-in’ with your child, for example:
- Tell me what this is/has been like for you…
- What do you remember about them?
- How’s your family doing?
- Refer to “death” directly when talking with children. Avoid using confusing phrases such as “went to sleep.”
- Avoid pushing your child to talk. Instead, follow your child’s lead and stay open to talking as needed. Invite their questions, conversation, and memories about their loved one.
- Notice your child’s behavior. If they act out, remember that it may be because of anger or sadness. Talk about how to express those emotions in other ways, like through drawing or writing.
- Let children know that any feelings they may have are okay. Sadness, anger, guilt, and even happiness is common as their lives keep moving.
- It’s more than okay to show your own feelings in a constructive way to your children because you are role modeling the healthy expression of emotions when you do.
- Let your child’s teachers and counselor know what’s going on, so that during school days they may be supportive and have context for behavioral changes in your child.
Tips for Taking Care of Yourself
While supporting your children may be your top priority, don’t forget to take care of your health, too. This will help you manage your stress and have the strength to be there for your family. Nourish your mind and body by eating well, getting plenty of rest, and exercising. Take time for yourself as an adult and accept help and social support. It's okay to express your own feelings and experiences in a healthy way within your family unit.
Reaching Out for Help
Mourning the loss of a loved one is painful, but you do not have to do it alone. In addition to reaching out to a psychological health professional, try building a support network. This may include other families with similar experiences (support groups), school officials, or places of worship. Several resources are listed below. Forms of psychotherapy, like cognitive-behavioral therapy and play therapy, are effective for children and adolescents of military families who are experiencing traumatic losses, including the death of their caregiver, whether combat-related or death by suicide.
For 24/7 support, call the Psychological Health Resource Center at 866-966-1020 to speak with a trained health resource consultant or start a conversation on their live chat. You can also visit our "Seek" page to find available psychological health programs and resources.
Additional Resources:
Sources
- American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. (2023, September). Facts for Families: Grief and Children. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Grief-008.aspx
- Ridings, L. E., Moreland, A. D., Petty, K. H., & Johnson, R. H. (2019). Implementing trauma-focused CBT for children of veterans in the VA: Providing comprehensive services to veterans and their families. Psychological Services, 16, (1) 75-84. https://doi.org/10.1037/ser0000278
- Saladino, V., Verrastro, V., Calaresi, D., & Barberis, N. (2024). The effectiveness of cognitive behavioral therapy for prolonged grief symptoms in children and adolescents: A systematic review. International Journal of Stress Management, 31, (1), 66-85. https://doi.org/10.1037/str0000301
- Villarreal-Davis, C. E., Watts-Figueroa, C. M., & Turner, R. (2021). Serving together: Play therapy to foster attachment for grieving military families. International Journal of Play Therapy, 30, (4), 231-243. https://doi.org/10.1037/pla0000168