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History of the World: Part I (1981)
Shecky Greene: Marcus Vindictus
Photos
Quotes
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Marcus Vindictus : Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho : Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
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Marcus Vindictus : Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus : I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus : You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
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Marcus Vindictus : ... There he is! Seize him!
Marcus Vindictus : [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus : [confidentially] No! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus : Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus : Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
Marcus Vindictus : Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker : Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus : No. You?
2nd Onlooker : Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus : Wrong. You?
3rd Onlooker : They shove a living snake up your ass!
Marcus Vindictus : Uh, no. But that's very creative.
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Chemist : What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus : A pack of Trojans!
Chemist : Gee, I just ran out!
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[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus : He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus : *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus : He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus : Hmm.
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Marcus Vindictus : [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus : [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
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Marcus Vindictus : Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
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Marcus Vindictus : The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
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Marcus Vindictus : Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero : What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus : Sheet?
Emperor Nero : SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus : Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus : Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero : Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
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Marcus Vindictus : [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection] The jig is up!
Josephus : And gone!
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[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman : [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus : [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
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[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus : Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus : [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus : Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus : Get me an ice pack! Hurry!