- The guy from the Dirty Larry clip: What you say, honky sucker pig-head jive-turkey fool?
- Speed: Welcome to Sneakin' In The Movies. My name is Speed and this is my homeboy Tyrone. And we are like movie critics and shit
- Tyrone: Well not really. Peep this. Each week me and my boy, you know, we go to different theaters and stuff and sneak in and check out the movie.
- Speed: Then we come back and tell you all what's up. Like if you should pay money and shit.
- Speed: I believe this movie. A dude could jump off a mountain and not hurt himself, 'cause he did brace himself, and knew something about the levels of gravitivity and polarity.
- Mr. Jones: This is not your average hot dog stand. You know what this is? This is: Winky Dinky Dog!
- Bobby Taylor: I know, I know. And I'm glad to be working here at Winky Dinky Dog.
- Mr. Jones: Yeah! It sends chills down my spin. Every time I say it. Winky Dinky Dog. Bobby, say it with me. Come on.
- Bobby Taylor: Winky Dinky Dog! Winky - Dinky - Dog!
- Mr. Jones: Yeah. Woo! Em-mm-mm-mm-mm. Yeah, I like that.
- Speed: Dirty Larry - the movie where the crooks wait for Larry to go in his jacket, pull out a big ass gun. What'd they think he was lookin' for? His American Express card? Damn! We both gave "Dirty Larry" the finger!
- Body Guard #1: Don't say "drugs" around the man. And don't say "coke" or "freebase" neither. Unless you got some.
- Bobby Taylor: I ain't 'fraid of Tiny. Tiny ain't kickin' my ass. I wish he would bring his big fat ass...
- [Tiny walks up behind Bobby]
- Bobby Taylor: Hey, Tiny. I'll make it up to you. Cause I'm gonna be a star one day, man.
- Tiny: Nah, nah. You're gonna be - seein' stars, man.
- Uncle Ray: You could be the greatest actor ever born. Doin' Shakespeare on the stage, playin' the hero in some movie, maybe the first - black superman. One day, win that Oscar. You gotta believe in yourself, Bobby. Don't play yourself cheap. Don't let anybody take away your dream.
- Bobby Taylor: What if I don't make it?
- Uncle Ray: What if you *do* make it. And what if you *are* that good. Bobby, you'll never know until you try. You got to give it your all, Bobby. You got to give it everything you've got. I know. Cause it happened to me. I stopped believin' in me. I started listenin' to all those other people tell me what I couldn't do. I kept listenin' - and listenin'. Until one day, I started believin' it and I quit. Lost my chops. Man, when I was singin' - I was the happiest man alive. On stage, doin' it!
- Bobby Taylor: Mr. Batty, how do you tell a good script?
- Batty Boy: Does your character - *die* in the script?
- Bobby Taylor: No.
- Batty Boy: Then, it's a good script.
- Bobby Taylor: But what about art?
- Batty Boy: It's not about art.. It's about sequel! One film... one! ! You can make an entire career. Just look at me! Batty, batty, batty!
- Picketer #2: We are out here sweatin' like niggas going to a lynching in Georgia because he chooses to bug his eyes, yank on his dick, and pull his raggedy skid marked drawers out the crack of his Black ass! I have nothing else to say about Bobby Taylor!
- Casting Director: Richard, its an important film. And its a film that can make the right actor very, very famous. We're looking for charisma. We're looking for sex appeal and yet innocence. We're looking for that certain 'je ne sais quoi'. Do you know what I mean?
- Jesse Wilson: This is bull shit.
- Bobby Taylor: What are you talking about?
- Jesse Wilson: This is some more of the white man's stereotype of a black man, yeah, brother.
- Bobby Taylor: Really?
- Jesse Wilson: Yeah, brother. Only an Uncle Tom would do this shit. They just lookin' for somebody to sell out.
- Bobby Taylor: Sell out?
- Jesse Wilson: The only role they gonna let us do is a slave, a butler, or some street hood or something. Don't sell out, brother. Don't be a butler or a slave.
- Receptionist: Jesse Wilson? Jesse Wilson, you're next.
- Jesse Wilson: That's me! Good luck, brotha.
- Bobby Taylor: I read in a magazine that you still take acting classes. And that you don't drink or do drugs.
- Body Guard #2: [Mr. Batty starts breathing heavy and shaking] Relax, Mr. Batty. Relax.
- Body Guard #1: Don't say drugs around the man. And don't say coke or free base, neither - unless you got some.
- Donald: Look, man. Look at me. When I first came here, I was a nobody like you. Three months later, Assistant Crew Chief. Six months after that, Crew Chief. I went from two dollars to two twenty-five in six months. Now, we talkin' 'bout makin' it!
- Uncle Ray: You got to do it while your young, Bobby. Cause if you don't, times got a way of creepin' up on you. Kickin' you in your ass.
- Sam Ace: I knew exactly what she could do. And she did too. As she walked towards me, I saw that twinkle in her eyes. I knew it was time - to do the nasty. And I like - doin' the nasty. She was a good kisser; but, her breath was stinky. But, so what? You don't get rid of a Rolls Royce because it has a dent in it. I had never done it before on my desk. I was just glad to be on top. I'd hate to. do the nasty with a stapler up my ass.
- Sam Ace: I started with the people closest to Cookie first - his mother. She said he was a good boy. She just hoped he had on clean underwear when they found him. I didn't know how to tell her: he didn't.
- Casting Director: That's our Jimmy. That is our Jimmy. Jive. Tough. Charismatic. That's our Jimmy. Very black.
- Casting Director: I have another very good idea. Could you tell him to be a little more - you know.
- Director: Yeah, Bobby - Bobby, I need a little more black. You know what I'm saying? Like, stick your ass out, bug the eyes, you know how to move, you know.
- Bobby Taylor: Yeah, jive - jive ass. Jive ass. Jive ass.
- Picketer #2: I think Bobby Taylor is a two-bit, goat smellin' spook, obviously from the Coon Repertory Theater of America.
- Casting Director: What we're looking for, Miss Strickland, is the girl friend of the brother of the main character. She has to be tough, but sensitive. She knows life and yet she's very naive at the same time. Of course, she has to be very, very Spanish. We're looking for a very "West Side Story" kind of look.
- Casting Director: Relax! But, I need some tension at the same time. But, not too relaxed. But, don't forget to give me sparkle.
- Casting Director: I want you start reading from the top of the page - and I want you to give it to us. But, really give it to us.
- [first lines]
- Bobby Taylor: Tommy. Tommy! You-you killed it, my brotha. He was my only brotha. I loved it, this dude, baby. Say, you gonna pay jive sucka. You done messed with the wrong dude, baby. I'm gonna be on your ass like a pair of Fruit-of-a-Loom. I'm gonna bounce you harder than a cancelled check. As soon as you get your foot off my face, I'm gonna hurt you, man. I'm gonna hurt *you*. This be my turf, baby. I owns the east side. Listen. Listen.
- Tyrone: I didn't like this movie at all. First of all, it was the fact that I couldn't say the title. I get tired of titles I can't pronounce and shit. If you want people to come and see it, a muthafucker got to be able to tell his woman where he's gonna take her.
- Mandingo: ["Black Acting School" fantasy sequence] I can't waits to get my freedom.
- Willie Mae: Mandingo, I's goin'... with you.
- Bessie: Mandingo, I's luv you.
- Mandingo: I luv you too Bessie and Willie Mae.
- Missy Ann: Mandingo. Mandingo, I can't go back theyre. I love you too, Mandingo.
- Mandingo: But, Missy Ann, what about your kin folk?
- Missy Ann: I don't care. I'm goin' with you.
- [Mandingo kisses Missy Ann, the white woman, and leaves with her, Willie Mae and Bessie look at each other and then follow Mandingo and Missy Ann]
- Jasper: ["Black Acting School" fantasy sequence] I don't know why we's leave the massa's house? He been good to us.
- Bobby Taylor: ["Black Acting School" fantasy sequence] Hi. My name is Robert Taylor - and I'm a black actor. I had to learn to play these slave part - and now you can too, in Hollywood's first "Black Acting School". It teaches you everything! Learn Jive Talking 101...
- Bobby Taylor: ["Black Acting School" fantasy sequence] Let's talk to a graduate. This is Ricky Taylor. Ricky graduated from my class three years ago. Ricky, can you tell us what you've been doing since you graduated.
- Ricky Taylor: Well, Robert, I've played nine crooks, four gang leaders, two dope dealers, and I played a rapist twice. That was fun. Currently, I'm filming a prison movie. I play this tough con and I have to fuck this new inmate.
- Bobby Taylor: That sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Need I say any more? It's Hollywood's first Black Acting School. It teaches you everything.
- Speed: Oh, man, you don't know shit about science because you dropped out of high school.
- Tyrone: Hey, man, why you gotta bring that up, man?
- Speed: Because its the truth.
- Tyrone: Yeah, I know its the truth but that ain't - hey, fuck you!
- Speed: Aw, but what chu gonna do about it?
- Tyrone: Hey, man, I'm gonna bust your ass.
- Tyrone: He's supposed to take the money.
- Speed: Right.
- Tyrone: Take the ho. Take the ho! You know that.
- Speed: Right.
- Tyrone: And take the car and get the fuck outta there.
- Speed: I can't believe it. Because, he would have been dead a long time ago. Talkin' that shit, "Make my day."
- Tyrone: Right, right! 'Cause as soon as he said, "Make my day," boom. Do 50 bullets in your ass make your day?
- Casting Director: There he is. He's the one we want!
- Bobby Taylor: I just want to be me. I don't want to be Eddie Murphy. I just want to be me. I just want - I he-he-he!
- Writer: Yes!
- Bobby Taylor: Get da fuck outta here.
- Director: That's what we're looking for.
- Tyrone: The last movie we really enjoyed. It was full of stereotypes; but, it was well directed. And we thought the combining of the zombie pimps and the street hos was brilliant. The gave it the serious high five.
- Casting Director: What we're looking for - is an Eddie Murphy type.
- Director: We want somebody who can act like Eddie Murphy, from head to toe. That's what we want.
- Writer: Someone who can dress like Eddie Murphy. To look like Eddie Murphy. To *be* Eddie Murphy.
- Tyrone: I love this movie. It was genius.
- Speed: The direction, the acting, the story line. That shit was bad!
- Tyrone: The muthafucker scared the shit outta me, man. That shit could really happen.
- Speed: I believe this movie. Like, you get all those pimps together, walkin' around and shit, with big hats on.
- Tyrone: Right, right. That was live. The director captured the essence of street life in a whore type situation. Pimps lookin' for hos. It was live.
- Speed: And that actress - who played the ho. She was excellent, marvelous, effervescent.
- Tyrone: Yeah, man, all and actin' all terrified and shit.
- Speed: This movie is like a nightmare.
- Tyrone: You know, that one dude, man, with the yellow suit on?
- Speed: Yeah!
- Tyrone: Man, he looked like this dude right around the corner from my house, man. That's what so horrifyin' about it.
- Tiny: Hey man, I saw a film you did on TV last night. It sucked, Bobby. Give it up! You'll never be a Stepin Fetchit. Never!
- Sam Ace: When she said anything, she meant it. She was talkin' about doin' the nasty - and I like doin' the nasty.
- Bobby Taylor: This is really a surprise - my fifth Oscar. I'm gonna tell you, I didn't think I was going to win tonight. And against the competition: Redford, Newman, Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, uh, sMeryl Streep. I didn't think I had a chance.
- Stevie Taylor: Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy for Bobby. But, I don't want no grandson of mine out there trying to act like a street hustler. Black folks got enough negative images - without my grandson out there adding to that minus bull shit out there.