- Constantine: My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
- Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
- Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
- Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
- Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
- Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!
- Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
- Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
- Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.
- Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?
- Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.
- Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.
- Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!
- [covers the mole]
- Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit!
- [Fozzie uncovers the mole]
- Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?
- Walter: There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
- Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?
- Dominic Badguy: Dominic: International Tour Manager.
- [presents his business card]
- Fozzie Bear: "Dominic Bad Guy"?
- Dominic Badguy: "Bad-gee". It's French.
- Dominic Badguy: [Walter is skeptical of the Madrid show's success] I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamon serranos.
- Walter: Whoa. Those reviews really came out fast.
- Pepe the King Prawn: And "Citizen Kane" only got four jamon serranos.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: You know, eh, I think they did it.
- Sam Eagle: No, they didn't!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
- Sam Eagle: If they did it, how did they do it?
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
- Sam Eagle: If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.
- [Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]
- Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynn Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
- [pauses the tape]
- Constantine: Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!
- Jim Henson as Kermit: [from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...
- [pauses]
- Constantine: Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.
- Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!
- [pauses]
- Constantine: Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!
- [smirks]
- Constantine: Nailed it.
- Constantine: [Pretending to be Kermit] A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
- [flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
- Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
- Sam Eagle: Tell us how the art was taken!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: If you want to save your bacon!
- Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
- Sam Eagle: We can give you a plea deal!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: All you have to do is squeal!
- Miss Piggy: I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: We'll catch the swine that did this job!
- Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: [to Sam] I think she likes me.
- Miss Piggy: You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
- [beats up Constantine]
- Miss Piggy: [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
- Constantine: [dazed] What a woman...
- Kermit: Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
- [smacks Constantine with his mole]
- Sam Eagle: [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.
- Sam Eagle: This is my travel badge.
- [holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
- Sam Eagle: Here's my real badge.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
- [opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
- Sam Eagle: You were saying?
- [Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]
- Fozzie Bear: Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!
- [Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]
- Salma Hayek: Gonzo, I don't want to do this.
- Gonzo: What? This is gonna be fantastic!
- Salma Hayek: Are you sure?
- Gonzo: [confidently] Nope.
- Fozzie Bear: [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!
- Walter: Yeah!
- [But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]
- Constantine: Not so fast...
- Walter: Where's Kermit?
- Fozzie Bear: Wh-wh-what do you want?
- Constantine: You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
- [He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]
- Animal: Bad frog!
- Fozzie Bear, Walter: Animal! Good shot!
- Animal: Thank you.
- Scooter: TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot.
- Rowlf the Dog: I knew no one could have a cold for that long.
- Pepe the King Prawn: Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.
- Kermit: The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.
- [Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]
- [Kermit tries to sneak out through a secret tunnel in his cell]
- Nadya: [in the tunnel] It's the first escape everyone tries!
- [Kermit disguises himself as a laundry worker]
- Nadya: [in Kermit's laundry] It's the second escape people try!
- [Kermit travels through the lavatory sewers]
- Nadya: [on a toilet seat] Third way!
- [singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: They didn't!
- Sam Eagle: No they didn't!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: There's no way they did a crime!
- Sam Eagle: They couldn't, they're too stupid!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're not criminal masterminds!
- Sam Eagle: They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're incapable of being culpable!
- Sam Eagle: Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
- Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
- Constantine: From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
- Sam Eagle: Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
- Constantine: My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
- Constantine: I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
- Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
- Swedish Chef: Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?
- Translator: What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.
- Dominic Badguy: I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.
- Critic: Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.
- Fozzie Bear: I can do an Elvis impression!
- Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
- [Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
- Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
- Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
- Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
- Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
- Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
- Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
- Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?
- Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
- [first lines]
- First AD: And cut!
- Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!
- Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
- Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
- Miss Piggy: We got it.
- Kermit: We got it, yup.
- First AD: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
- Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
- Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
- Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
- Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.
- Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.
- Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
- Fozzie Bear: Oh.
- Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
- Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
- Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
- Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
- Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.
- Statler: Mm-hmm.
- Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
- Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
- [they kiss]
- Kermit, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel...
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
- Miss Piggy: Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
- Kermit the Frog: No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
- Miss Piggy: Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving flies.
- Kermit the Frog: Piggy, what are you talking about?
- Miss Piggy: I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
- Kermit the Frog: What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, yeah? Well, what about what I want, huh? What about that? I-I haven't even proposed yet.
- Miss Piggy: You can do that on our honeymoon.
- Kermit the Frog: What? That-that's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
- Miss Piggy: Insane? How dare you call your fiancee insane?
- Kermit the Frog: You are not my fiancee! We are not engaged! A-And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... well... I'm fine with that!
- Dominic Badguy: [passing Constantine off as Kermit] Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
- Constantine: What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
- Dominic Badguy: Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.
- Constantine: Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...
- [mumbling]
- Constantine: ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...
- Dominic Badguy: Burglary.
- Constantine: Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.
- Kermit the Frog: Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I-I'm Kermit the Frog!
- German Cop: Silence, Constantine. The game is up.
- Kermit the Frog: Who?
- [turning and seeing Constantine's wanted poster, he screams]
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake, I'm telling you!
- [getting thrown into the back of a police van]
- Kermit the Frog: Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody! Open up! I'm an Amphibian-American!
- Sam Eagle: I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: [with a gasp, he finds Fozzie's rubber chicken] The comedian bear, he was here.
- Sam Eagle: [finding the Lemur's coin] The Lemur. He, too, was here. Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
- Sam Eagle: But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
- Sam Eagle: Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: The Tower of London.
- Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: The comedian bear is planning on stealing...
- Sam Eagle: ...the Crown Jewels!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: ...the Tower of London! The Crown Jewels.
- The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.
- [Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]
- Constantine: Something's wrong! We're not moving!
- [the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]
- Constantine: You are ruining my getaway!
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
- Beaker: [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: Let's give it a shot,
- Kermit: All we need now is a half-decent plot...
- Gonzo: Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
- Gonzo: [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
- Camilla: [Camilla clucks]
- Kermit: Does anybody have any other ideas?
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
- Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
- Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
- Kermit: Uh...
- Swedish Chef: [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
- Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
- Dominic Badguy: [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
- Kermit: [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
- Dominic Badguy: Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
- Constantine: Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.
- Constantine: [singing] I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.
- Dominic Badguy: You're one.
- Constantine: You're number two.
- Dominic Badguy: I'm number two.
- Constantine: You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!
- Dominic Badguy: Really? I hate dancing.
- Kermit the Frog: [Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show] Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
- Dominic Badguy: Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
- Kermit the Frog: [hands are raised] That's not what I'm saying.
- Dominic Badguy: And all those in favor of just giving up.
- Kermit the Frog: [with a sigh] I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
- The Great Gonzo: Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act. It's called the indoor running of the bulls.
- Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, I've told you, that act is far too dangerous.
- The Great Gonzo: Actually, Kermit, I was asking Dominic what he thinks.
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief.