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Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
*HUGE* fan of the first, but this was just atrocious
OK, I'm a pirate nerd, and I'll admit it. The first movie is still one of my all-time favorites. It had everything -- suspense, romance, action, fantasy, comedy, special effects, great characters, hot actors and actresses, etc. I jumped on the pirate bandwagon instantly and still love the first as much as I did back in the day. The second one was OK. It had too many subplots, but it was still kind of enjoyable. The third? Terrible. Atrocious. A monstrosity. I kid you not, it was that bad. I was so excited to see it that I stayed up all night and fought intense pirate-garbed traffic to see it at midnight on Thursday. Words can not express how disappointed I was in this movie and how disgusted I was after seeing it. I had to take a shower to cleanse myself of this filth.
There were just too many subplots that honestly made no sense whatsoever. The second one had a lot, but at least the rest of the movie was slightly enjoyable. Now I've watched deep movies like "The Departed" or "Crash" with no problem, but this one was impossible to follow. I am not an idiot, but this movie gave me an enormous headache. This guy's bad, no, he isn't, he is, no, he pretended, he pretended to pretend, she found out, they're mad, he's good, maybe, they'll make up, maybe, no, bomb falls, what? Maybe he is, I guess not, yes, no. She loves him, no wait, he loves her, no wait, this happened and made it crazy, never mind, OK, yes, no, maybe........ HUH?! Turns out that everyone else I've talked to about this movie was also confused. It had no coherence, much less a point. Stuff came out of nowhere and random things popped up that made no sense. Seriously.
The only redeeming qualities about this movie were the Johnny Depp comedy scenes and the fact that Kiera gets a bigger part than just sitting there and screaming. That's it.
From one pirate fan to another (perhaps), only see this movie if you're a die-hard fan, and I mean a DIE-HARD FAN. If you're only a semi-fan, wait for the DVD. It really is not worth going to the theater unless you'll die if you don't see this movie. Personally, I saw it because I wanted to see it before some idiot had the chance to spoil anything for me.
The Quick and the Dead (1995)
Very well-done
I thought this movie was very well-done. The characters were fun and the story had enough twists to keep you interested. Without giving the last bits away, I'll just say that it is fresh. Basically, this movie's story is based around a gun drawing competition. The winner gets glory and lots of money. Ellen (Sharon Stone) comes to the town to get even with gene Hackman's character, who she claims "stole her life." The other players in the competition are a lot of fun, especially Leonardo DiCaprio, Gene Hackman's son. Russel Crowe is a de-famed priest who once was an outlaw. Most of the characters are "bad-a**es." Overall, the acting is excellent.
Yes, this movie is a little cheesy and some of the situations are far-fetched. That's why it's so lovable, though. I think Sam Raimi did an excellent job with this movie, and it reminded me of a lot of his other work. Sharon Stone's character in particular reminded me of "Xena: Warrior Princess." If you like Raimi's work or movies that don't take themselves seriously and want you to have a good time, then you'll probably enjoy this flick. Being a Xena fan, I really liked this movie.
Road House (1989)
starts out bad, but picks up halfway through
I will admit that I was bored during the first half of this movie. It was all just an endless barrage of bare boobs, smoking, drinking, and bar fighting. About halfway into it, though, it really picks up.
Basically, there is a rich man named Brad Wesley who runs the small town of Jasper. He is heartless, rude, and cruel. The people hate him, but fear him and his power and will not stand up to him. That is, until the seemingly invincible bouncer Dalton shows up. Dalton learns of his cruel tactics and doesn't like it, but Wesley goes too far and gets very personal later on in the movie, pushing Dalton over the edge. Once this starts to happen, this movie really picks up and becomes a good thriller. I actually enjoyed the last half of this movie, but the first half was unnecessary and boring. This movie easily could have been shortened. A few moments of bare boobs, sex, drinking, and bar fights would have been just fine. I would give this movie either a 6 or 7 out of 10.
The Challenge (2003)
One of the best Olsen Twins movies
As with all of my other Olsen Twins movies, I rate this against their other movies, not against the standard world of Hollywood movies. Hence the ten rating.
This movie is probably the most entertaining and sensible of the Olsen Twins movies. Even my younger brothers, who were nineteen when they watched this, enjoyed this movie. There is actually a plot and the girls have distinguished characters for once. In most of their other movies, they're basically the same person. The Mexican scenery is beautiful. The collage at the end is a nice treat for fans of their movies. This is definitely one of their movies that would be tolerable to non-fans. If you liked the comedy in this one, I'd recommend "Our Lips Are Sealed." If you liked the distinct characterization, I'd recommend "Winning London." If you liked the tropical scenery, I'd recommend "Holiday in the Sun."
Half Light (2006)
So terrible... and long... and boring...
This movie is awful. Really, very awful. One of my older brothers described it as being similar to a "very long and boring book." Demi Moore looks like she's had too much plastic surgery, and just like in real life, she's head-over-heels for a guy half her age in this flick. What I don't understand is how these people who wanted her fortune had to manipulate everything and completely twist her sense of reality. Couldn't they just have "kissed up" to make it onto her will or just killed her and stole her credit cards? Also, why did her "friend" have to send her to Ireland just to do all of this? I'll have to stop now, because I'm getting all fired up just thinking about how bad this movie is. Honestly, most of it was just mind-boggling and stupid. The "scary" scenes aren't scary at all, they're just laughable. To me, this movie is a bad rip-off of "The Ring," "Dark Water," and "The Grudge," some of the worst movies ever made. Well, "The Ring" wasn't too bad, but that's beside the point.
This movie does have two redeeming qualities, however, which is why I gave it two points. The scenery of the British Isles coastline is breathtaking, and the musical score is astonishingly beautiful, especially during the romantic scenes. Overall, however, avoid this movie at all costs.
She's the Man (2006)
Just didn't feel right
I'm a big fan of these types of movies (e.g. - "Aquamarine," "Mean Girls," and other flicks directed to semi-younger crowds), so I naturally rented this movie right away. My friend and I were unimpressed. Overall, the movie was quite average. Amanda Bynes is attractive and has charisma on screen, but everything else felt wrong. her love interest (named Duke) was a complete wigger. This actor's "wiggerness" worked like a charm in "Havoc," and I really think it is going to work in "Step Up." In "She's the Man," however, it was out-of-place. Aren't these kids supposed to be rich? His voice really annoyed me and made me feel like I was watching "Malibu's Most Wanted." Also, Bynes' male voice was a little tedious to listen to at times. The love triangles were also silly and unrealistic. Why would Duke suddenly go from head-over-heels in love with Olivia to crazy about Amanda Bynes' character? It was a little goofy. Plus, the mean girl wasn't given much screen time, and her character pretty much just made cameos. "Mean Girls," on the other hand, was put together perfectly in nearly every way; even the critics raved about that movie. "She's the Man" just lacks the appeal and realism of other movies in its genre.
Overall, I would only recommend this movie to pre-teens or serious fans of Amanda Bynes.
Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005)
So completely predictable
I watched this movie simply because it has Dakota Fanning, Kurt Russel, and Elizabeth Shue. It was a huge waste of two hours of my life. Every single minute of this movie is totally predictable. Gee, will the horse come back and win the huge championship? Of course. I actually found myself rolling my eyes at most of this movie. It just made no sense. Why would a billionaire invest his money into some old horse who just had a major injury? Why would... OK, I'll stop now. These three actors have definitely seen better days. I would only recommend this movie for small kids and old women; working at a video store, I can say that this was very popular amongst these groups. Otherwise, don't even waste your time!
The Hunchback of Notre Dame II (2002)
The worst Disney sequel, hands down...
Oh. My. Gosh. Words can't explain what a monstrosity this sequel is. Before I even start, let me just say that I bought a "used" copy of this movie on VHS a month after the original release date at Blockbuster for a measly $5. I put "used" in quotation marks because this copy had obviously never even been touched. It is obvious who the enemy is at first sight because of his slicked-back black hair and evil eyes. The whole deal with Esmeralda and Phoebus having a kid -- wha...?? Quasimodo's new girlfriend is ugly and annoying. The new songs are intolerable; after hearing them, I was almost tempted to stick my fingers down my own throat. Oh, and the "I love _______" bit at the end was downright repulsive, almost as bad as the animation.
Now, not all of Disney's direct-to-video sequels are bad. Mulan 2 and Lilo and Stitch 2 were definitely watchable, An Extremely Goofy Movie was entertaining (still not as good as the original, though), and Toy Story 2 was awesome. Hunchback of Notre Dame 2 is worse than Cinderella 2 and Belle's Enchanted World. Yes, it's that bad. Please don't subject yourself or your children to this garbage. I think I just heard Walt Disney turn over in his grave. Fans of the original such as myself are sure to be disappointed. Fans of the original book by Victor Hugo will probably vomit uncontrollably, as this movie strays light-years further from the book than the original movie. I say we all pretend this movie never existed and that all copies are burned. I only gave it one star because I was unable to give it a negative score.
Holiday in the Sun (2001)
Only for Olsen Twins fans...
As with my other Olsen Twins flicks, I feel that this must be judged against one another, not with Hollywood's other movies. Hence the 6/10 rating.
I feel that this movie would only be meaningful to people who fall in the following categories: those want to beat the winter blues, people preparing a trip to the Bahamas, people who like to see the Olsens in bikinis or like their fashion sense, or extreme Olsen Twins fans. This was my first Olsen Twins movie, and I'm glad I went on and watched others, but I still remain true to this one. The plot is quite weak; the antique smuggling bit doesn't really come in until much later in the movie, which renders it a little pointless. The same problem was present in their flick "When in Rome." This movie would probably seriously bore people who do not fall into the four categories I listed above to tears. Personally, I love to watch this movie in the dead cold of the winter to beat the winter blues. The Bahamas scenery really cheers me up, but I hardly pay any attention to the "plot." I have seen this movie more times than I can count because of the brutal winters here. My advice is to ask yourself if you fall into any of the four aforementioned categories before thinking about watching this movie. If you don't, then you probably should not even bother. For the rest, pull up a chair and prepare yourself for some majorly addictive cheesiness.
Chicken Little (2005)
Disney's not as good as it once was...
I rented this movie for my nephews and nieces (aged 4-11) and honestly tried to give it a chance. I grew up on Disney and am still a major fan of all Disney movies pre-2000 (e.g. - Cinderella, Aladdin, Tarzan, A Goofy Movie, The Lion King, etc.), plus even some made afterward (e.g. - Lilo and Stitch, the animated Three Musketeers). I, however, could not make it past twenty minutes of this travesty. The characters were annoying, as were their voices. The "story" was just lame and did not catch my attention. Even my nephews and nieces started walking around the house and ignoring the TV after twenty minutes. I turned the TV off a few minutes later, and no one protested or even seemed to notice. What a waste of a rental and half an hour of my life. Please do yourself and your children a favor and rent an older Disney flick. Save your money, time, and trouble. The only thing I got out of this flick was an incessant hunger for fried chicken.
Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers (2004)
Disney's still got it!
I picked this up from the video store not expecting much, but I really was surprised. This is sure to become an instant classic. As usual, Disney has the characterization right-on -- Mickey's the straight, normal guy, Goofy's the clumsy goofball who surprisingly has brief moments of genius, and Donald's the loudmouth with a bad temper. Pete was his usual bad self, and his scenes had me cracking up. For example, when he's preparing for a shower at the beginning, he says to himself, "I've been looking forward to this all month!" The songs are based on melodies from classical music, so they're tolerable and stick in your head afterward. Thank goodness for that, because Disney's music has slipped down the drain in the past several years. The comedy is a little slapstick at parts, but has the classical charm of the old cartoons we grew up on. However, as one reviewer said, the turtle guy at the beginning is a little boring, but the rest of the movie more than makes up for it.
All in all, this story of three underdogs really is worth viewing. It is excellent for kids and adults will actually be able to giggle at some parts and enjoy it, especially since it is reminiscent of old Disney cartoons. I was so impressed that I had my adult brothers watch it, and they were impressed and giggled through the whole thing. This movie is proof that Disney still has the ability to make good movies and that Disney's original characters are still capable of starring in their own films. Highly recommended!
A Goofy Movie (1995)
Extremely Underrated Disney Flick
As an avid Disney fan, I feel that this is one of Disney's most underrated films. The score and songs are great, the characters are excellent and somewhat believable, and the animation is nice. I used to watch this movie daily when it hit shelves when I was ten, and I still love it as much as I did then. My entire family loved watching this movie over and over again. Younger people will relate to Max's struggles with popularity and teen life, while older viewers will enjoy watching Goofy try to reconnect with his son. I recommend this film to Disney fans, Goofy fans, "Goof Troop" fans, adolescents who "hate" their parents, parents, and anyone looking for a family-safe comedy. The comedy, while a little slapstick at times, works. The father-son message is great but never preachy. Max's love interest, Roxanne, looks realistic; she has wide hips, slightly tangled hair, a normal-sized bust, and is not a stick figure unlike Disney's Esmeralda and Pocahontas characters. As an added bonus, fans of 90's culture will be in Heaven while watching this movie. Several references are made to 90's culture, including several articles of clothing, songs, etc. Unlike timeless Disney movies such as "The Little Mermaid," or "Alice in Wonderland," this movie makes its era obvious. Nostalgia alert!
Overall, highly recommended. One of Disney's best, and it also has high replay value and lots of 90's nostalgia.
Getting There (2002)
The Worst Olsen Twins Movie, Hands Down!
WARNING - MAJOR SPOILERS. I suggest only reading this review if you've already seen this movie! --- Keep in mind while reading this review that it is coming from the mouth of an Olsen Twins fan. This movie is pure garbage. It is the worst Olsen movie, hands down. Probably also the worst movie ever. The acting is worse than usual, the costuming is appalling, the plot is just lame, etc. This movie gets even worse when the twins and their friends finally arrive in Utah, if that's even possible. The camera zooms in on them skiing downhill in bouncy, low-quality black and white footage for no reason whatsoever. The other actors have no talent and are pointless. My biggest complaint is the plot -- even after the children continue to make mistake after mistake and practically visit every state by accident, the parents still let them continue traveling. If my children did such things, I would think they were not ready for such things and take away these privileges.
Final word: Avoid this movie at all costs. It is the worst of the worst. Rent *any* of their other movies, please. I beg you. I only gave it one point because I was not able to give zero points.
Billboard Dad (1998)
One of the better Olsen flicks
As with "Our Lips Are Sealed," I found this to be one of the better Olsen movies. The sets are beautiful; then again, Southern California is usually beautiful. Some of the acting is a little cheesy, especially on the character Nigel's part; this is inevitable in most children's movies, however. Overall, this movie is cute and harmless fun with a semi-unique storyline to boot. I give it a 10 in the field of Olsen movies, because I feel that it can't be rated against mainstream blockbusters such as "Crash" or "Braveheart." I would definitely recommend this movie if you're looking for a good family movie that adults and children can tolerate and enjoy.
Our Lips Are Sealed (2000)
One of the Olsens' better movies...
First and foremost, I feel that this movie must be judged against other Olsen Twins movies, not against major blockbusters; hence the 10 rating. When looked at from this perspective, this is actually one of the better Olsen Twins movies out there, if not the best. In essence, I feel that even a non-"MKA" fan could watch this and possibly enjoy it. The girls speak into the camera several times and don't take themselves seriously. Also, the other actors in the movie actually have some talent. The comedy in this flick is lighthearted and cute; for example, the enemies are from a fictional Eastern European country called "Urugly," which is pronounced like "Yer Ugly." Overall, I enjoyed this MKA flick much more than the others. I would recommend it to younger people and someone who's looking for a light-hearted comedy for the family. Trust me, it's not as cheesy and pointless as most other Olsen Twins flicks. It's also probably something males and adults could watch without getting sick from the "girliness overload." No, this movie is not the next "Titanic" or "Ben-Hur." However, it is a cute flick worth watching.
P.S. - This movie would probably be unbearable for Australians to view due to all the stereotypes and overdone "Crocodile Dundee' accents. If you are Australian or are close to any Australians, this would probably be a movie to avoid. My Australian fiancé would probably die of shock if I showed him this flick and told him that I loved it...