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Everything You Know Is Wrong: The Declassified Firesign Theatre (2017)
What Did I Just Watch?
I'm pretty sure the Firesign Theatre was an improvisational comedy troupe back in the 60's. Maybe the 70's.
That's pretty much why I turned this one on. But I have no idea what I watched. Unsure if it's stuff from the 70's or if it's new since the copyright is 2017.
In any case, it stinks. It's really a bad stinker. It almost appears that this is just an L. P. recording that was turned into a movie. And it's just not funny.
There are lines like the South won the war, your dog is from outer space. I mean, does any of this sound funny? It's downright dumb.
I was thoroughly bored out ofmy mind. And no nudity to help you continue watching!
Ballad in Blood (2016)
Not Worth Your Time
It's the day after Halloween. Jacopo and Duke wake up in the apartment of two girls: Lenka and Elizabeth. The dawn of that new day brings with it a big problem: Elizabeth died. But there's more, because none of the three remember what happened that night.
And you won't care because this is one of the worst movies ever made. You have to wonder who greenlit this garbage and who hired the "talent." That word is used very loosely in that there is no talent within 60 miles of the sets.
The acting is atrocious. This is so unprofessional I again have to ask, who thought this was a good idea and who paid to make it?
Dr. Caligari (1989)
Over-Hyped
Mrs. Van Houten has shown signs of losing touch with reality, and her husband discusses possible treatment with Dr. Caligari, who says Mrs. Van Houten has a disease of the libido.
The staff want Dr. Caligari removed from their facility due to her controversial experiments with electroshock and hypothalamus injections.
As Dr. Caligari continues experimenting with her patients, her daughter and son-in-law attempt to stop her.
It's sort of a mish mash of dumb. Rather incoherent exposition that puts creative sets and costumes above plot and acting.
It makes for a surreal flick that never quite takes off.
Trap (2024)
Hands Down, HORRIBLE
In M. Night Shyamalan's latest outing, everyone in a large city is in a frenzy because they're up and ready to watch a concert performed by his daughter, who can't act. Amongst the screams of adoration and sounds of applause, the concert itself has a hidden identity: a front to fish out an infamous serial killer known as The Butcher. And apparently, to put you to sleep.
By far, this is the worst M. Knight movie yet. It's a complete train wreck that seems to have been made to highlight his untalented kid. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of his movies but tis one is a complete miss.
The plot is idiotic and so full of holes it should have been titled "Swiss Cheese." One turn after another you'll be saying "who wrote this drivel"
What a disappointment.
Mind Body Spirit (2023)
A Better Actress Might Have Pulled It Off
An aspiring yoga influencer embarks on a ritual practice left behind by her estranged grandmother.
The woman is in the middle of a taping when she discovers a secret room behind a bookcase. Suddenly she overacts and is out of breath, which was very, very annoying. It didn't fit the scene at all.
Then we are forced to sit through more boring yoga and a boring meditation. The basic problem is the movie is poorly acted and even more poorly realized by the director who has no clue how to maintain tension -- or for that matter even create tension.
You just get one boring scene after another. As the yoga disappears and the woman just recites one speech after another, over and over.
It becomes dreadfully boring and very little really happens. It's all smoke and mirrors.
The Center of the World (2001)
Boring And Even More Boriing
A couple checks into a suite in Las Vegas. In flashbacks we see that he's a computer whiz on the verge of becoming a dot.com millionaire, she's a lap dancer at a club. He wants a connection, so he offers her $10,000 to spend three nights with him in Vegas, and she accepts with conditions. During the days in Vegas, they get to know each other, have fun, meet a friend of hers; at night, at least after the first night, things seem to get complicated. Can it be about more than money?
Horribly boring outing. Sorry, but it's true. I was bored out of my mind with the ridiculously slow exposition and the thoroughly bad acting and of course, the silly plot that no one would believe.
Kid Millions (1934)
The Minstrel Man
A musical comedy about a Brooklyn boy (Eddie Cantor) who inherits a fortune from his archaeologist father but must go to Egypt to claim it.
He's on a ship headed for Africa. Ethel Merman tags along for the singing parts.
So does Ann Southern who later had her own sitcom on television.
It's a big production that made a lot of money. Some Little Rascals make a surprise appearance at the beginning. Loan out from Hal Roach?
The musical numbers are good. Eddie Cantor even does his black face Minstrel Man routine. So weird. But what's weirder is that his uncle and mother are older than Eddie and no one says anything.
Longlegs (2024)
Way Overrated and the Ending Ruins it
Lordie, this was hyped up the yahoo as some "queer" oriented movie. Only it's not in the least. Unless you mean by "queer," anti-religion.
So, let's be honest and stop censoring free speech.
The movie does not live up to it's hype. And relies on a bias for its ultimate ending.
Here are the PROS and CONS
Pros
- low budget but it does an OK job
Cons The lead actress can't act
I like Cage, but in this case, he's a weak link. They should have gotten and unknown to do it better. As usual, he overacts, but this role requires subtlety.
The first 3/4's of the movie are reasonably good, but then it gets really dumb. The David Lynch Wanna-Be director turns to bashing religion to get to the ending. Couldn't think of something better than low hanging fruit of the left?
So Sad.
The Hellstrom Chronicle (1971)
Dated and Not Real
A scientist explains how the savagery and efficiency of the insect world could result in their taking over the world.
I wonder how many people watching this today know that this is not a real documentary. It's fiction and satire. The main character is NOT a scientist. He's an actor who was in sitcoms!
The 70's saw a number of these kookie sorts of predictions. Global cooling was all the rage until Big Brother realized they wouldn't be making money off it.
Then there was Tolkien with the prediction that the U. S. was destined to be broken up into sub-regions. What a nut,.
Now global cooling was based on teh same scince as global warming, while the sub-sections of the US was based on some guy's theories, but this movie is completely made up.
It's not a documentary. In fact, Wolper, who produced this actually is quoted as saying it's tongue in cheek with every third like being a joke.
Amazing how many reviewers think this is reality.
Wake up.
The Hit (1984)
Seven Rating? REALLY?
Ten years after ratting on his old mobster friends in exchange for personal immunity, two hit men drive a hardened criminal to Paris for his execution. However, while on the way, whatever can go wrong, does go wrong.
This is a very cheaply made European crime / action movie with a few middling stars. Word to the wise: the fight scenes are laughable.
The plot makes little sense, except as a way to draw out a movie for 90 minutes. Because if you want to kill a snitch, who don't you just kill him where he is? Also there is one gun between three people and they don't bother to handcuff the snitch to be murdered.
It's plain dumb. Like this boring movie.
The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003)
A Total Embarrassment
After being discharged from the local police force, Jim Halsey (C. Thomas Howell) travels to Texas with his girlfriend Maggie (Kari Wuhrer) to face down his demons and visit an old friend. Along the way, however, Jim & Maggie picks up a demented hitchhiker who has diabolical plans for the duo.
This has to be the worst movie made in the past 20 years. It's a complete and total embarrassment of filmmaking. The story is plainly dumb.
The direction is atrocious. And the acting? What acting. The main character speaks in a breathless monotone for the entire movie. The female lead is a written as an annoying cloying wife who berates her husband repeatedly and become the reason they are in this mess.
It's all idiotic.
Timecode (2000)
It Doesn't Work
The primary story with this movie is that it is shown in four simultaneously filmed ninety-three minute single shot takes (in other words, shown in four quadrants), with the actual plot secondary. The four cameras follow the players involved, with two or more of the four cameras sometimes filming the exact same scene from different angles and thus different perspectives. The audio on each of the four quadrants is turned up and down based on which quadrant(s) the viewer should pay most attention to at any given time.
Too bad it doesn't work.
It never comes together the way they want it to. Sorry, but the result stinks. It's just a bunch of self-absorbed actors thinking they are being artistic.
It put me to sleep.
National Anthem (2023)
How Did This Get Greenlit???
Dylan, a 21 year-old construction worker in New Mexico, joins a community of queer rodeo performers in search of their own version of the American dream. While working on a ranch in the breathtaking expanse of the Southwest, they contend with the undeniable forces of nature, family, and love.
It's garbage.
The movie has the story of a dime store novel. And bad acting and bad directing to boot. It's impossible to imagine how totally lacking quality this garbage is.
It looks like it was made for about fifteen dollars.
I was wondering how on Earth this junk is currently getting an over 7 rating here, but then I figured it out.
Alien: Romulus (2024)
This was Slated for Hulu?
While scavenging the deep ends of a derelict space station for cryogenic pods, a group of young space colonists come face to face with the most terrifying life form in the universe.
Let's be honest, the last few Alien movies were horrible. In fact, the only good ones were the first two.
Alien Romulus re-invigorates the franchise. It's really good. Tight, with heart wrenching action and a pretty decent storyline.
Some of it was a little hard to follow and some scenes didn't make much logical sense (I won't spoil it for anyone, but you'll know when you see them) but the movie keeps your interest throughout.
There isn't much filler in the movie, which is good. There are a number of throwbacks to the earlier movies, which is cool too.
It's hard to believe this was going to be a Hulu movie because it's way too good.
Totally Killer (2023)
Back to the Killer
35 years after the shocking murder of three teens, the infamous "Sweet Sixteen Killer" returns on Halloween night to claim a fourth victim.
17-year-old Jamie ignores her overprotective mom's warning and comes face to face with the masked maniac and on the run for her life, accidentally time travels back to 1987, the year of the original killings. Forced to navigate the unfamiliar and outrageous culture of the 1980s, Jamie teams up with her teen mom to take down the killer once and for all before she's stuck in the past forever.
Fun slasher movie, made in the Scream vein of movie making with some Back to the Future vibes.
Fast paced and super violent. Yeah, there are lots of holes in the plot and the masked killer is wearing a Beavis mask, but just go with it. It's a fun twisty-turny ride.
Holiday on the Buses (1973)
Hammer Gets Funny
Fired by the bus company, Stan and Jack get jobs as drivers ferrying punters to and from a holiday camp and arrange for the rest of the family to come and stay. There's one disaster after another as Jack and Stan, still chasing women half their age, take two girls for a bus trip on the sands only for the bus to sink into the sands as the tide approaches. And so it goes
Most people know Hammer as the House of Horror, but here, they go for the broad low brow British humor. Not exactly Benny Hill, but some hot chicks and brief nudity.
It's fast paced and filled with snappy dialog.
It's a harmless movie that's pretty easy to watch in that it requires no thinking whatsoever. So what if you leave a few brain cells behind?
The Last House on the Street (2021)
At Least One of the Girls was Hot
When two college girls -- one hot and one overweight -- move across the street from Derek and Chad, sinister things begin to happen. By sinister we mean boys start going missing and the two chicks keep leaving the house putting buckets in their car.
So, one of the girls is nudity material, which is the only reason I stuck with it. Also, the music track isn't horrible. But the writing is really sub par.
When the titles come on we see that the same guy produced, wrote and directed this movie. Had he starred in it we would have had a new Jerry Lewis on our hands. As it is, we have an untalented producer, writer, director on our hands.
The movie is a mess. Not enough of the hot girl and too much of stoners acting dumb.
Cannibal Island (1956)
You Won't Fina Better Example of Exploitation Documentaries
I could care not care one bit if this documentary is lifted from some other. What makes it really great is the dry, sarcastic and very funny narration.
It's a very interesting mix of real history and crazy funny narration.
The movie basically explores a number of areas in the pacific where there are (or were) tribes and even cannibals. You won't see any flesh eating, but you do get a great glimpse from a past time when these people had very little experience with Western culture.
For example, I've been to Fiji -- both the mainland which today has a nearly majority Indian (from India) population, to the smaller islands outside mainland that have tribes and Kings. It's way more civilized today than back in 1956 -- or 1930, if that was when the footage was filmed.
This is a must see.
A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)
A Journey About Pizza
I'm shocked with the great reviews. This isn't a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it's sort of dumb.
In every way.
The plot is about NUYC overrun by those creepy monsters attracted to sound who kill anyone who makes as much as a peep. You never actually know what those creepy critters so with the people they get. Well, we know they kill them because there's blood all over the place, but do they eat them? I dunno. I guess it doesn't matter.
But what does matter is that the real plot is the girl wanting to get pizza. Yep, you read it right. She sticks around in all this turmoil to go to Patsy's. No joke.
The movie is rather dull and poorly written. Stick with the original.
Head (1968)
The Beatles They're Not
Running in from seemingly nowhere, Micky Dolenz, Davy Jones, Michael Nesmith and Peter Tork - better known collectively as The Monkees - disrupt a bridge opening ceremony. And from this point we are inundated with a series of vignettes in several different genres, including a Wild West sequence, a desert war sequence, a Confederate Army Civil War sequence, and a science fiction sequence.
IT's an incredibly dated movie that doesn't hold your interest the way the Lester-directed Beatles movies do.
The "sketches" don't really come together as a whole.
Further, the movie seems to be more of a forum for Mickey Dolenz with the other Monkees taking a back seat.
Yes, the Monkees had some decent tunes, but they didn't write most of them. In all, I was rather bored.
The Mighty Quinn (1989)
What Could have been, but Isn't
When police officer Xavier Quinn's childhood friend, Maubee, becomes associated with murder and a briefcase full of ten-thousand-dollar bills, The Mighty Quinn must clear his name. Or try to catch him, which could be even trickier.
It's not so much that this is a bad movie, it's just that it's not all that good of a movie. The plot had the promise of being good in the film noir sense, but for some reason a decision was made to add a bunch of additional tedious sub plots and even comedy into what should have been a tight, serious, exposition.
What you get is a rambling movie that takes forever to get to the point.
The Muse (2024)
2024 Turkey Award
Stephen, an unsuccessful day trader, is at the end of his rope after a series of bad trades wipe out his savings. A life coach teaches Stephen how to manifest his inner voice, tapping into hidden powers. Vronika, a younger version of his wife, Roni, that only Stephen can see is magically created. Suddenly Stephen is getting winning trades, putting him on the path to fulfilling his dreams. Until...
Like the other two reviews here on IMDB, this movie is horrendously bad. The script is down right dumb and the direction is like a Hallmark movie. But where it really excels in bad is the choice of actors. Or should I say choice of untalented people playing wooden roles.
The female in particular is really bad with what appears to be a dime store wig on her head and lack of emotion. The guy is pretty bad too.
So sad this listing is pumped up with what amounts to so many fake ratings.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
Horrible, Poorly Realized, Storyline
Kong and Godzilla are against a colossal deadly threat hidden within our world that threatens the existence of their species and our very own.
Who thought this was going to be a good idea and greenlighted the horrible script?
As a whole, the movie tries to emulate the epic direction of Independance day. You know, multiple story lines that eventually merge into a feature film.
It doesn't work well. The little tribal girls is a dumb add on that is just moronic. Kong is introduced as a weak loser who is on his last legs. And Godzilla is in Rome for some reason.
The direction is poor, the acting isn't all that great. Think the most recent Jurassic Park.
Basically, the entire movie runs like a poor man's CGI adventure movie. It's redundant and derivative.
Twisters (2024)
Worst Movie of 2024 and Worst Sequel EVER
As storm season intensifies, the paths of former storm chaser Kate Cooper, lured back to the open plains after a devastating encounter years prior, and reckless social-media superstar Tyler Owens collide when terrifying phenomena never seen before are unleashed.
The pair and their competing teams find themselves squarely in the paths of multiple storm systems converging over central Oklahoma in the fight of their lives.
Just horrible. The storyline is literally insultingly bad. The directing is amateurish and the worst part is you don't care one bit about any of the characters. They are vapid and poorly drawn
Plus nothing makes sense. It's literally moronic. Who thought this was a good script?
It's a total embarrassment.
Soldier's Girl (2003)
Unwatchable
Oh my, why is it always that movies in this genre always get rave scores? It's almost as if there is a fix and the fix is in. So sad. Who can you trust?
Want an HONEST review? It's a totally unwatchable movie. Slow beyond belief, the acting is incredibly bad. I mean this is the sort of movie where you want to root for the characters. Uhuh not here. The script's dialog and subsequent acting is so bad you wind up being bored beyond bored and numb to any feelings whatsoever.
It's unfortunate. In significantly more capable hands, this could have been a good flick. Unfortunately, it's low budget shows and that's too bad.