Do I look good? Does my breath smell good? Wait, am I late?

By Ellie-may Johnston

You wake up in the morning as early as you can (even though you’ve not had much sleep due to the butterflies dancing in your stomach) because you know that being late on your first day would just look terrible, right?. You’ve had your outfit planned since you got your National Insurance number but no matter what time you’ve been up since you still find yourself rushing around with one shoe on trying to find where on earth the other one has gone!

‘I don’t have time for breakfast, I’ll easy make it to dinner I don’t even feel hungry’ is what you’re thinking as you lock up the front door and run to get the early train. The train journey somehow seems slower than usual and the chubby school boy making very inappropriate smells isn’t helping it go any faster. 

‘Do I look good? Does my breath smell good? Wait, am I late?’

As you walk in to greet your new Manager you accidently trip over your own feet ‘GREAT’. She’s definitely not amused by your clumsiness, in fact she looks a little bit embarrassed. You brush yourself off and carry on walking over holding your hand out to her as if you’re flagging the 26 bus. ‘Oh god, please don’t have sweaty hands’ you’re safe she didn’t seem disgusted as she introduced herself.

All eyes are on you now as you walk into the induction meeting in what feels like the coldest boardroom you’ve ever been in, smiling creepily at everyone who catches your eye. It’s the part where you have to introduce who you are, what you will be doing and tell them a weird fact about yourself. Hands down this is one of the trickiest questions ever because, think about it, there’s a 50/50 chance you’re going to make yourself sound really interesting, or a straight up weirdo.

‘I like to go home to my 11 cats and crack open a can Carlsberg while watching Eastenders? Is that weird? It’s normal to me but maybe I’ll make more friends if I pass it off as weird. Wow I’m really not interesting am I?’  You got through it anyway, one step closer to Monday night’s episode.

You begin filtering through the list of job boards you were given when you realise not eating breakfast was a terrible idea. Your stomach is screaming out for food and all eyes are on you again. Before you know it you’ve been asked nine times if you’re hungry, all of which you answered ‘no, thanks’.

Finally, the clock hits 1pm just as you think about what to eat everyone has already rushed out in groups to the nearest Prett. You look around to see who is left but it’s just you and what looks like the office goody two shoes. ‘Looks like I’ll be having lunch alone, no one must like me, maybe it’s my hair, maybe they just don’t find the jokes I’ve been saying all morning funny or maybe my breath smells from all the coffee I’ve consumed.’

You are relieved to get through that lonely lunch hour of which you spent watching outtakes of ‘how I met your mother’. Sandra, your new Manager comes over to check how your first day has been. You obviously reply with a positive answer but deep down you’re thinking ‘to be honest Sandra I just want to get home to my cats, it’s been a stressful day trying not to spin on this god damn chair and having lunch alone wasn’t my favourite thing, please be my friend…is it weird to be friends with your manager?.’