How to Successfully Communicate as a Couple

For service members, a loving, resilient marriage is both a matter of personal happiness and family readiness. When family relationships are strong and healthy, service members are free to focus on their mission and daily duty requirements. Like any good relationship, marriages take work and attention.

Communicating well is one of the most important skills any couple can have, and a key component of lasting, loving relationships. Working with your partner to learn and practice basic communication techniques can help you build trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Communication basics

Every couple will need to talk about a difficult or painful subject at some point. You may be tempted to avoid talking about hot-button topics for fear you’ll get into an argument. Tackling issues with an open mind and a commitment to resolve differences can strengthen your bond. These tips can make the conversation easier:

• Check your feelings. Try not to go into a conversation assuming your partner will react a certain way. Rid yourself of negative feelings as much as possible so you can approach the topic with an open mind.
• See if it’s a good time to talk. Avoid talking about some issues when children might overhear. If your partner is busy with work or if it’s late at night, it may be best to save the conversation for when you are both fully present. If what you have to say can’t wait and your partner is busy, calmly ask if they have a moment to speak. If they don’t respond the way you hoped, take a moment to assess the situation and let your partner know that you understand it’s not the best time to talk, but the matter needs attention.
• Speak slowly and clearly. Do not raise your voice or mumble.
• Match your tone to your message. The way you say something can be as important as what you say. Your partner will be confused if you disguise your feelings by sounding upbeat when you are in fact upset, or if you bring up a minor issue in a dramatic way.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Make an extra effort to share the things that matter to you most.
• Be honest. The issue is likely to remain unresolved and tensions between you will grow if you expect your partner to read between the lines. Say what you mean.
• Be an active listener. Give each other your full attention, free of interruptions. Turn off the television, and let phone calls go to voicemail. Hear what your partner is saying rather than planning your response or letting your mind wander.
• Show that you’re listening. Nod or ask questions. Try repeating back what you heard through phrases such as, “So what you’re saying is …” or “If I understand you correctly, you feel …”
• Offer frequent praise, support and encouragement. Studies show that couples who stay together make far more positive comments to each other than negative ones.
• Strengthen your relationship through Love Every Day. Just one text a day for three weeks can open up your communication channels, build intimacy and rekindle the spark.
• Pay attention to your body language. Uncross your arms, relax your face and shoulders, and make eye contact with your partner. If you’re really feeling into it, you can even lean in a bit when you talk. This signals that you are receptive to what your partner has to say.

Keep at it. Establishing good communication can take a lot of patience and hard work. The important thing is to make a commitment to change the way you communicate and work toward this goal.

Talking about difficult subjects

Every couple will need to talk about a difficult or painful subject at some point. These tips can make the conversation easier:

• Talk at a stress-free time. Avoid bringing up a sensitive issue when either of you is tired, hungry or pressed for time. Avoid talking about some issues when children might overhear.
• Keep your sense of humor. Using humor can break tension and help you connect through times of stress and pressure.
• Bring up one difficult subject at a time. Raising a lot of sensitive issues in the same conversation can leave the other person feeling confused and defensive.
• Make “I” statements. Be specific about how you feel. Express your feelings with neutral comments such as “I feel …” “I’m concerned that …” or “I’m worried that …” instead of phrases that put people on the defensive, such as “You never …” “You always …” or “You’re so …”
• Talk about the issue, not who’s right or wrong. Focus on finding a solution instead of assigning blame.
• Acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Make an effort to show you’re listening and understand, even if you don’t agree.
• Take a break if needed. Take 15 minutes to be alone and calm down if your conversation becomes heated or you’re on the verge of saying things you’ll regret. Taking time out can help defuse a situation, but it will not resolve them. Commit to revisiting the issue when your emotions are under control.

Have important conversations in person whenever possible.

When your partner won’t open up

Here are some more steps you can take if your partner has a hard time opening up or seems to tune you out.

• Avoid making assumptions. You may think your partner doesn’t want to talk because he or she is angry or upset with you. However, there may be something else — like an incident at work — that’s upsetting your partner.
• Consider your spouse’s family background. Serious conversations can turn into major arguments quickly in some families. Your partner may worry that you’ll become angry or even walk out if he or she speaks honestly — especially if your partner’s parents often acted this way.
• Remember that it can be hard to open up. Your partner may be worried about feeling rejected if he or she expresses views honestly.

Counseling resources

Non-medical counseling is available for service members and their partners. Connect with a couples counselor by contacting your installation’s Military and Family Support Center or reach out to Military OneSource by secure live chat or by calling 800-342-9647. OCONUS? Use these international calling options or live chat.

Check out this example of a call center experience. The recording is a dramatization based on a real-life situation. Voices, personally identifiable information and other details have been redacted and/or changed to protect the privacy of the caller.

Resources for relationships

Help is available if you have ongoing difficulty communicating with your partner. You can strengthen your relationships through Military OneSource’s free, education-focused Building Healthy Relationships specialty consultation.

From education on military culture to navigating resources, the MilSpouse Toolkit track of the Building Healthy Relationships specialty consultation is beneficial for new spouses who may be experiencing a disconnect from their family and need to identify a support system in their new community. This track focuses resources to assist new and current military spouses with adjusting to the military lifestyle, developing coping skills and resources for resiliency.

OurRelationship is another relationship resource Military OneSource offers for free. OurRelationship is a flexible, online, evidence-based tool that gives military couples the choice to work on their own or with a coach to strengthen their relationship.

Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; however, some relationships are healthier than others. If you have concerns about your relationship, learn how to recognize unhealthy relationship behaviors and where to go for help.