The way we watch England has changed irrevocably in recent years.
It is no longer enough to lob your pint at a big screen, whip your top off and hug a stranger when England score. Now you must peruse social media, too.
The Athletic did just that during last night’s gripping European Championship semi-final in Dortmund.
This is the story of England 2-1 Netherlands, as told on Twitter (no, I’m still not calling it X).
It was all light-hearted and fancy-free before kick-off. A video of Gareth Southgate moonlighting as a German police officer did thousands upon thousands of retweets, and rightly so given the remarkable likeness.
Rumours the police officer played it safe and waited until three-quarters of the way through a crime being committed before making an arrest are unfounded.
Meanwhile, the UK’s new Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer was desperate to tell everyone he’s a football fan be kept abreast of updates throughout the night. In the absence of him being able to access The Athletic’s live blog because he was in some meeting or other, Starmer asked to be handed notes. Twitter did its thing.
We’ve all stopped calling them Holland in recent years but there was one canny suggestion it was time to bring it back.
Come 6.45pm, it was team-news time. You may be surprised to hear the replies to England’s official line-up tweet weren’t a plethora of “Well done, Gareth. We go again” messages. Safe to say the reaction was mixed.
There is a Peep Show meme for every footballing eventuality.
Anthems done, kick-off time, what a night in store.
But hang on, there was a problem… the camera angle made it look like the game was being filmed from somewhere approaching outer space.
Some people were more outraged about this than others.
But it was clearly too high. Sensible Soccer levels. The message seemed to get through to UEFA, which appeared to either get a shorter cameraperson from about midway through the first half or just remembered where the zoom button was.
Just seven minutes in and Holland the Netherlands took the lead. It was a thunderb*****d of a goal from Xavi Simons, an unyielding wallop from range that deserved to be adored and admired.
Of course, Twitter duly paid tribute to the sheer quality of the strike.
The Scots, after a self-imposed silence of two and a half weeks, were back.
But England rallied and 11 minutes later they were level after being awarded a stonewall penalty following a borderline assault on Harry Kane.
Some minds went back to 1993, Ronald Koeman (now the Netherlands’ manager) and all that.
Even the historians had their say.
Yep, everyone was in universal agreement with the referee’s decision.
And the notes kept on coming for Starmer.
England continued to play, well… well. There was particular praise for Phil Foden…
…and Kobbie Mainoo.
But at the end of the first half, despite England’s much-improved performance, it remained one apiece.
Our own Phil Hay called the half-time change for the Dutch.
And, well, it was a pretty typical England second-half performance as they stopped having shots and playing football.
Bukayo Saka got booked, but that was OK.
It looked like extra time was looming. And then a moment of pure joy for the whole nation, and in particular one man.
This being 2024, there had to be a reflection of xG.
England assistant coach Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink enjoyed it at first…
And then…
Thoughts returned again to Rotterdam ’93…
And the scale of England’s achievement was put into context.
It was all apologies for Southgate on this video (“Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good”).
Even Southgate’s substitutions were given their due.
And the Germans put historical rivalry aside.
Attention soon turned to Sunday and the claiming of territory.
Surprisingly no mention of Gibraltar.
The cultural references kept on coming.
The Scots piped up again.
And this being England in a final, well, yes.
But the last word had to go to Watkins. ITV, which broadcast the match in the UK, tweeted the image of the night.
And non-League side Weston-super-Mare summed up how dreams can come true.
(Top photo: Stu Forster/Getty Images)
