The 17th season of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” opens with a long tracking shot of a leather-clad California blonde riding a motorcycle beneath blue skies.
She parks the bike in the driveway of a nice-sized home, walks into the kitchen, and slaps her husband on the butt. A minute or two later she scolds her 70-year-old mom about making too much noise during sex.
Tamra Judge is back, baby, and “The Real Housewives of Orange County” is all the better for it.
It’s been a few years since Tamra was on the show, having left at the end of Season 14. The lasting image of her in the series was Tamra, wailing like a toddler in the season finale, as she hid in a bush outside a fancy party after throwing back too much tequila and picking fights with other housewives.
“When I left the show, I was in a bush,” Tamra says with 100% accuracy. “And that’s not how I wanted to go out after 12 years.”
“The Real Housewives” tried to make do without her, of course, replacing her with a combination of Elizabeth Lyn Vargas, Jen Armstrong, and Noella Bergener, each of which last only a single season.
None of them had the quick, mischievous, down-and-dirty wits of Tamra, as was clear in the opening segment of the season premiere on Wednesday. Within minutes of her return, she provoked husband Eddie and mother Sandy about whether Eddie does or does not do a certain sex act, and then announced she’d performed “a moaning test” in Sandy’s room to make sure grandma and her grand-boyfriend wouldn’t be overheard.
“I don’t need any sex noises coming from my 70-year-old mom into my 17-year-old daughter’s ears,” she declared, and neither do we.
After Tamra marked her territory, the premiere reminded us what the rest of the housewives have been up to since the last season wrapped up in April 2022.
Shannon Storms Beador and Emily Simpson took their dogs for a hike and Emily startled Shannon by drinking out of the same bowl as her pooch.
“I’ve always heard that a dog’s mouth is much cleaner than a human’s mouth, so I share forks, spoons, plates,” Emily explained.
Shannon, regaining her poise, told Emily she’s worried about Tamra’s return, given how close they once were and how distant they’ve been since Tamra left the show.
“I witnessed her getting baptized,” Shannon said as a montage of memories unspooled on the screen. “She helped take my wedding ring off. I gave her an enema.”
As Shannon gripes about Tamra dissing her in interviews and on podcasts in recent years, Heather Dubrow is similarly miffed that Gina Kirschenheiter similarly, if less antagonistically, ghosted her since the last season.
Later in the show, Gina drops by Heather’s house for a visit, though this still doesn’t strike Heather quite right.
“No one ever really pops by my house,” she tells the confessional camera. “That’s not really a thing. We’re behind three gates.”
Gina explains that she hadn’t invited Heather to a charity event she held because she didn’t think it would live up to the sense of fabulousness that Heather, who last season threw away $10,000 worth of sushi after one of over-the-top soirees.
“Heather Dubrow does not want to come to a dive bar where they are not serving Veuve,” Gina tells the camera in reference to the champagne that $70 a bottle is possibly too cheap for Heather’s tastes. “Heather Dubrow just wants to be invited to the dive bar so she can say, ‘No.’ It’s true.”
New housewife Jennifer Pedranti also gets a lot of screen time as this friend of Tamra’s is introduced to the other housewives and viewers.
She’s 45 and almost divorced; she has five kids, two dogs, two guinea pigs, two fish, five kitties, and a boyfriend named Ryan, whom she met at Tamra and Eddie’s gym. Her ex-husband Will is so beloved by Jenn’s own family that not only does he work in Oklahoma at her family’s business, but Jenn’s own parents flew to Orange County to try to get her to take him back.
When he does come to Orange County to spend time with their kids, he stays at Jenn’s house and she stays at Ryan’s until Will is gone.
“Do I understand it’s weird? Yes,” Jenn says of her living arrangements. “But it’s just how we’re navigating it right now.”
Heather, Tamra and Gina all meet at the pickleball court where it’s quickly clear they view the outing mostly as an opportunity to make bad jokes about pickles and balls. Gina does explain why it’s easier to be in loose contact with Tamra than with Heather.
“Tamra doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing something wrong if I don’t text her back,” she says. “She’s like Casper. It’s like a friendly ghost.”
If that’s true for Gina, it’s also true that for Tamra and Shannon, it’s a much more complicated ghost with a ton of hurt feelings.
“I would call her and she would send me to voicemail,” Tamra says as a series of tit-for-tat series of clips of Tamra and Shannon debating each other from separate rooms unfolds.
“I don’t really know how to send someone to voicemail,” Shannon replies, and based on past performance, we tend to believe her.
Everything comes to a head when the housewives all gather at a beachfront park for Jenn’s yoga retreat, a session that includes Shannon falling over as she tries to balance on one foot or the other on her mat, and ends with the traditional yoga blessing from Jenn: “Let’s just close together, hands at heart, and we’ll go upstairs and enjoy some cocktails and appetizers.”
Finally, Shannon and Tamra are face to face, the other housewives skedaddling either to give them some privacy or avoid flying cocktails.
“I miss my best friend,” Tamra says with tears in her eyes.
“I don’t want to have hardships about anything or anyone,” Shannon replies. “Let’s get together and start talking through it.”
Anybody wanna bet on how long this truce lasts? Nah, didn’t think so.
