By Lydia F. Theon Ware i | Contributing Columnist
How do you process your sorrow? Processing grief is personal and private. Journaling is a way to process. Here are a few tips to get started, from someone who is grieving.
25. Do not buy more than six journals.
Buy three journals: one journal for your tears, one journal for your rage and one journal for your memories.
24. Do not buy cheap pens.
Do buy good quality pens that have a weight your fingers enjoy; pens that flow and are smooth across the page. (.07 mm in diameter or .10 mm are my favorite gel pens or .05 mm if you are a neat, very precise person.)
23. Do not cry everyday alone.
Do cry with friends because crying with friends can lead to laughter.
22. Do not tear out the pages of your journal.
Buy a notebook and tear out its pages. Place the pages into your grief journals. Decorate these pages with doodles, stickers, chalk or watercolors.
21. Do not follow the Five Stages of Grief.
Do create your own 85 stages of grief in your life. List all the ways you grieve, then look at the five stages of grief to see if any of them match or make sense to you.
20. Do not write in your journal daily.
Write when your body feels overwhelmed by rage, or when your memories or your melancholy feel so strong you can almost taste them. Write when you feel dull and empty. If this happens to be an everyday feeling, dull and empty, then talk to a trusted friend or a counselor.
19. Do not write when you are told to write.
Do write when you feel like writing.
18. Do not write inside.
Do write outside on a blanket in the shade with a cold drink and an apple and cheese.
17. Do not read books about grief.
Do read your favorite biography, favorite sci-fi or mystery or horror or non-fiction book. Then write a journal entry about your grieving. Then write a sci-fi story about grief. Then self publish!
16. Do not read self-help books.
Do read.
“If you can’t write, then read. If you can’t read, then write.” Quote from a Hispanic author/actor from my past.
15. Do not read magazines.
Write your own zine about what you enjoy doing and share it with a friend.
14. Do not put your journal entries online.
Do go to a thrift store and invest in a small bookcase, strip off the paint, paint it your favorite color. Place your grief journals on the shelves. Or do buy a trunk or an old-fashioned suitcase with a brass lock and place your completed journals in there with a note to whoever finds your journals years later to either burn them without reading them, read them and then burn them or use your finished grief journals for creating collages.
13. Do not think that your grief is too small or insignificant.
Do know that grieving the loss of a pet, a job, an apartment, or a friendship is just as valid as grieving the loss of family.
12. Do not skip a page in your journal.
Do fill out the skipped blank pages with photos, fandangles, puzzle pieces, pieces of fabric, stickers.
11. Do not write with your enemies.
Do spend time writing with friends. Over tea. Outside. With soft shoes on.
10. Do not, do not bring your grief journals to work. Not even to the parking lot.
Do find a safe place to write.
9. Do not take your grief journals on a date.
Do take your grief journals on a date with yourself to a café. Sit for 90 minutes. Order tea, a full meal and dessert. Write. Tip heavily. Or take a blanket, go to a park, place your blanket on grass under a tree, a tree with a gentle breeze that blows down flower petals. Write.
8. Do not write in the sun at the beach.
Take a two-day trip to Seattle, on a train during the rainy season. Write on the ride there and on the way back.
7. Do not use your writing as a weapon against your family.
Do write about your family.
6. Do not use only one color of ink in your journal.
Do buy at least 10 colors in chalk, in ink or in pencil. Use multiple colors in each entry.
5. Do not write in paragraphs with a beginning, a middle, and an end unless you want to.
Do write a sentence. Do write a word. Do write how you feel.
4. Do not make a list of what to write.
Do write what comes to mind. Write often and write without thinking of proper grammar or correct spelling.
3. Do not wait for a “good time” to write.
Do write when it is necessary, when it is hard and when the tears are not enough.
2. Do not stop writing when you feel better.
Keep writing. When the three journals are full, buy two more journals. Start to write joy journals, or continue your grief journals.
1. Do not explain your grief.
Do grieve.
Do write.
Lydia F. Theon Ware i is published in “MUSE,” the Riverside City College literary magazine. Her latest body of work includes “Howling Butterflies Need Water Too!,” “Awe; Love Letters to the Most High” and “17 Letters for Jesus and Me.”
