Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Bull Durham 1988 Shooting Script
Bull Durham 1988 Shooting Script
by
Ron Shelton
-- Yogi Berra
Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better
learn baseball.
--Jacques Barzun
--Casey Stengel
2.
Titles over --
FADE IN:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
JACKIE ROBINSON STEALS ROME -- Yogi Berra applies the tag.
Too late.
DISSOLVE TO:
PULLBACK REVEALS:
ANNIE (V.O.)
I believe in the Church of Baseball.
(beat)
I've tried all the major religions
and most of the minor ones -- I've
worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma,
Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and
Isadora Duncan...
PAN AWAY FROM THE SHRINE across the room. Late afternoon
light spills into the room, across fine old furniture, to a
small dressing table. A WOMAN applies make up.
3.
ANNIE (V.O.)
I know things. For instance --
(beat)
There are 108 beads in a Catholic
rosary. And --
(beat)
There are 108 stitches in a baseball.
(beat)
When I learned that, I gave Jesus a
chance.
(beat)
But it just didn't work out between
us. The Lord laid too much guilt on
me. I prefer metaphysics to theology.
(beat)
You see, there's no guilt in
baseball... and it's never boring.
ANNIE
Which makes it like sex.
(beat)
There's never been a ballplayer slept
with me who didn't have the best
year of his career.
(beat)
Making love is like hitting a baseball --
you just got to relax and concentrate.
ANNIE
Besides, I'd never sleep with a player
hitting under .250 unless he had a
lot of R.B.I.'s or was a great glove
man up the middle.
(beat)
A woman's got to have standards.
SHE HOLDS OUR HER LEGS DISPLAYING THE HEELS, side by side.
Like a little girl showing off her new shoes.
ANNIE
The young players start off full of
enthusiasm and energy but they don't
(MORE)
4.
ANNIE (CONT'D)
realize that come July and August
when the weather is hot it's hard to
perform at your peak level.
(beat)
The veterans pace themselves better.
They finish stronger. They're great
in September.
(beat)
While I don't believe a woman needs
a man to be fulfilled, I do confess
an interest in finding the ultimate
guy -- he'd have that youthful
exuberance but the veteran's sense
of timing...
ANNIE
Y'see there's a certain amount of
"life-wisdom" I give these boys.
(beat)
I can expand their minds. Sometimes
when I've got a ballplayer alone
I'll just read Emily Dickinson or
Walt Whitman to him. The guys are so
sweet -- they always stay and listen.
(beat)
Of course a guy will listen to
anything if he thinks it's foreplay.
ANNIE
I make then feel confident. They
make me feel safe. And pretty.
ANNIE
What I give them lasts a life-time.
What they give me lasts 142 games.
Sometimes it seems like a bad trade.
(quickly rebounding)
But bad trades are part of baseball --
who can forget Frank Robinson or
Milt Pappas, for Godsakes!
(beat)
It's a long season and you got to
trust it.
5.
ANNIE STARTS FOR THE DOOR and grabs her baseball glove
CUT TO:
ANNIE
I've tried them all -- I really have --
(beat)
and the only church that truly feeds
the soul -- day in, day out -- is
the Church of Baseball.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
SKIP
Where's Ebby?
LARRY
Ain't he warning up?
SKIP
(cynically)
No. The guy's professional debut and
he forgets about it.
LARRY
Better find our bonus baby, eh?
SKIP
Seen Ebby?
DEKE
(mouthful of food)
Nope.
CUT TO:
SKIP
Ebby?!
Life is a party.
SKIP
Jesus. Game starts in four minutes!
(beat)
Why ain't you warm?!
EBBY
I am warm.
SKIP
I'm fining you a hundred dollars.
Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional
debut tonight -- you know how many
guys out there'd give blood to be in
your shoes an' you're leavin' your
fastball in the locker room for some
piece of ass!
MILLIE
Skip, It's me! I'm not some quote
piece of ass unquote.
SKIP
Oh, Millie, jeez, sorry -- I didn't
recognize ya. Don't take it personal
but if I catch you in here again
you're banned from the ballpark.
MILLIE
You can't ban me from the ballpark
'cause Daddy donated the scoreboard
and if you banned me he might take
the scoreboard away.
SKIP
Whatta we need a scoreboard for? We
haven't scored any runs all year
(tough, to Ebby)
Get your ass out there.
8.
EBBY
Hey Boss, I got a question.
SKIP
(stops, exasperated)
What?!
EBBY
You think I need a nickname? I think
I need a nickname. The great ones
have nicknames -- somethin' like Oil
Can or Catfish...
SKIP WHIRLS AND HEADS BACK OUT TO THE FIELD -- And Ebby
unperturbed, turns his attention back to Millie.
EBBY
Got time for another quickie?
MILLIE
Jesus, you got a game to pitch!
EBBY
But we got three minutes.
CUT TO:
RECORDING
When the clock strikes two, three,
and four and the band slows down
we'll yell for more, gonna rock around
the clock tonight.
ANNIE
Number twenty-two's thighs are just
great. Who's he?
9.
JACKSON
(reading the program)
Jose Galindo. He hit .314 at Lynchburg
last year.
ANNIE
Three-fourteen? Hmmm... Look't those
thighs, Jackson.
ANNOUNCER
Let's hear it for Max Patkin --
ANNOUNCER
"The Greatest Show on Dirt" -- your
own Durham Bulls!
CUT TO:
EBBY ENTERS THE DUGOUT from the runway. Larry and Skip
encourage their players running onto the field. Ebby is trying
to get the zipper on his fly unstuck. He smiles broadly at
Skip and Larry, and grabs his glove.
EBBY
I'm there, Skip, I'm ready.
CUT TO:
WHITEY
Is this guy LaLoosh worth a hundred
grand? I hear he's a quart low?
CUT TO:
ANNIE
-- Millie, you've got to stay out of
the clubhouse. It'll just get
everybody in trouble.
MILLIE
I got lured.
ANNIE
You didn't get "lured". Women never
get lured. They're too strong and
powerful for that. Now say it -- "I
didn't get lured and I will take
responsibility for my actions".
MILLIE
"I didn't get lured and I will take
responsibility for my actions".
ANNIE
That's better.
(to Jackson)
Got the radar ready?
11.
JACKSON
Ready.
EBBY CALVIN LALOOSH WINDS UP and fires. The pitch sails over
the batter's head, over the catcher's head, over the backstop,
and CRASHES INTO THE PRESS BOX.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
SKIP
Little high.
LARRY
(shouts to EBBY)
C'mon big 'un, you're okay...
JACKSON
Ninety-five miles an hour.
ANNIE
He looks great, just great!
CUT TO:
CATCHER
What the hell was that?! Lighten up
a little. Awright?
12.
EBBY
(to catcher)
Hey -- what's your name again -- I'm
bad with names --
CATCHER
Ed. You want me to write it on my
chest? Jesus ...
EBBY
Sorry. Hey, Ed, I got a question.
CATCHER
What?
EBBY
Who's the beef sitting behind the
third base dugout?
CATCHER
(slowly)
That's Annie Savoy. Nice eh? But
that's more woman than you ever
dreamed of, Rook. She could kick
your ass and have you for breakfast.
CUT TO:
TEDDY
One ball and no strikes to Willie
Foster...
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Take this to Ebby in the dugout
between innings.
JACKSON
What's it say?
13.
ANNIE
It says he's not bending his back on
his follow-through.
ANNIE
Well let's get down to it, honey --
how was he?
MILLIE
Well, he fucks like he pitches.
Sorta all over the place
P.O.V. EBBY LALOOSH FIRES ANOTHER ONE INTO THE STANDS. AND --
When the chimes ring five, six and seven -- We'll be right
in Seventh Heaven, Gonna rock around the clock tonight...
EBBY UNLEASHES ANOTHER WILD ONE and a batter hits the dirt.
CUT TO:
SKIP WALKS THROUGH THE PLAYERS ROOM -- Players are up, joking
irreverently.
JOSE
Hey Lefty, hold 'em to 12 runs every
night, you'll win 20 --
EBBY
(he might be serious)
Had 'em all the way.
14.
JIMMY
Dear Lord, thank you for being with
us tonight, thank you for protecting
us from injury and --
DEKE
Wake up, wake up --
MICKEY
This league is racist, man.
TONY
Every time you go 0 for 4 you think
the league is racist -- face it,
Mick, you're an equal opportunity
"out".
CUT TO:
SKIP
He walked eighteen?!
LARRY
It's a league record.
SKIP
Struck out eighteen...
LARRY
League record.
(beat)
And he hit the Radio Announcer, a
Sportswriter, and the Bull Mascot
twice -- also league records --
(beat)
Joe, the guy's got some serious shit.
LARRY
Who're you?
CRASH
I am the player to be named later.
SKIP
Crash Davis?
CRASH
The Crash Davis.
(beat, then nonstop)
And you, Larry Hockett, should
recognize me 'cause five years ago
in the Texas League when you were
pitching for El Paso and I was hitting
cleanup for Shreveport, you hung a
curve on an 0-2 pitch of a 3-2 game
in bottom of the 8th and I tattooed
it over the Goodyear Tire sign, beat
you 4-3 -- and I got a free wheel
alignment from Goodyear.
LARRY
(remembering)
Oh yeah. I shoulda throwed a slider.
Damn, Crash, how're ya?
SKIP
I'm Joe Riggins. Sit down
CRASH
I'm too old for this shit. Why the
hell am I back in "A" ball?
SKIP
'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.
(beat)
The Big Club's got a hundred grand
in him --
LARRY
He's got a million dollar arm and a
five cent head.
SKIP
-- we had the gun on him tonight --
the last five pitches he threw were
(MORE)
16.
SKIP (CONT'D)
faster than the first five. 96 miles
an hour, 98, 97, 97. 97.
(beat)
He's got the best young arm I've
seen in 30 years.
LARRY
But he ain't quite sure which plane
he's on, y'know what I mean...
SKIP
You been around, you're smart, you're
professional, you know what it takes --
(beat)
We want you to mature the kid.
CRASH
"Mature" ain't a fuckin' verb.
LARRY
You go to college or what?
SKIP
We want you to room with him on the
road and stay on his case all year.
(beat)
He can go all the way.
CRASH
And where can I go?
SKIP
You can keep going to the ballpark
and keep gettin' paid to do it.
(beat)
Beats hell outta working at Sears.
LARRY
Sears sucks, Crash, I tried it once.
Sold Lady Kenmores -- it's nasty,
nasty work.
SKIP
Even if it's the Carolina League --
this is a chance to play everyday.
CRASH
(angrily)
You don't want a player, you want a
stable pony. My Triple A contract
gets bought out so I can hold the
Flavor o' the Month's dick in the
bus leagues?!
(MORE)
17.
CRASH (CONT'D)
(angrily)
Fuck this fucking game... I fuckin'
quit.
CRASH
Who we play tomorrow?
Beat. They know, they share the inability to quit the game.
They're all clinging to the Church of Baseball.
SKIP
Winston-Salem. Batting practice at
4:30.
CRASH LEAVES and as he does -- Ed (the catcher) enters.
ED
You wanted to see me?
SKIP
Yeah, Ed, shut the door...
SKIP
This is the toughest job a manager
has, Ed...
(deep breath)
But the organization has decided to
make a change -- we're releasing you
from your contract...
CUT TO:
WHITEY
How's it feel to get your first
professional win?
EBBY
It feels "out there". A major rush.
I mean it doesn't just feel "out
there" but it feels out there.
18.
CRASH
Hopeless. Utterly fucking hopeless.
CUT TO:
MILLIE
Hi, I'm Millie.
TONY
I'm Tony. I play left field.
MILLIE
I know.
ANNIE SITS IN THE CORNER at her own table. Max Patkin, looking
spiffy in a turtle neck sweater and double breasted blazer,
sits down next to her. Old friends.
MAX
Love the game, Annie, love it
(dead serious)
When I die I'm gonna have my ashes
sprinkled around a pitcher's mound
in some ballpark somewhere --
(beat)
-- and I'll have a few ashes saved
for the rosin bag so I'll still be
in the game after I'm gone.
ANNIE
What a sweet idea --
ANNIE
We didn't order this, honey...
WAITRESS
(she points)
He did.
ANNIE
(to Max)
Who's that?
19.
MAX
Hey -- that's Crash Davis. He's played
in more towns than I have. Helluva
guy -- real different... I actually
saw him read a book without pictures
once
ANNIE
Really? Kinda cute...
CRASH
I'm Crash Davis.
ANNIE
Annie Savoy. Wanta dance?
CRASH
I don't dance.
ANNIE
I don't trust a man who don't dance.
It ain't natural.
SUDDENLY -- HARD CORE ROCK AND ROLL on the juke box. Several
couples dance, and out of the pack --
MAX
Who's he dancing with?
ANNIE
All of 'em, I think...
EBBY PUTS ON A ONE MAN SHOW ON THE DANCE FLOOR -- The whole
bar stops to watch him, applauding as he spins to a finish.
A quirkier "Saturday Night Fever" show. More naive, fun. He
climbs off the floor and joins Annie's table.
EBBY
Thanks for the note -- you're right,
I wasn't bending my back.
ANNIE
You got a live arm there.
EBBY
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.
ANNIE
You need a nickname.
EBBY
That's what I been telling everybody!
Wanta dance?
CRASH
She's dancing with me.
ANNIE
Crash, I didn't think you --
CRASH
I'll learn. C'mon --
EBBY
Just a minute, pal...
ANNIE
You boys gonna fight over little me?
EBBY
Step outside, pal.
CRASH
Love to --
ANNIE
Oh don't be such guys --
ANNIE
Hell, Max, wanta dance?
CUT TO:
CRASH
I don't believe in fighting.
21.
EBBY
Pussy.
CRASH
Take the first shot at me.
EBBY
I ain't hitting a man first.
CRASH
Hit me in the chest with this...
EBBY
I'd kill ya.
CRASH
From what I hear you couldn't hit a
bull in the ass with a slingshot
EBBY
Don't try me.
CRASH
Throw it. C'mon, right in the chest.
EBBY
No way.
CRASH
C'mon, Meat. You can't hit me 'cause
you're starting to think about it
already, you're starting to think
how embarrassing it'll be to miss,
how all these people would laugh.
(teasing mercilessly)
C'mon, Rook -- show me that million
dollar arm 'cause I'm getting a good
idea about the five cent head --
EBBY REARS BACK AND FIRES THE BALL -- From ten feet away,
right at Crash's chest. But, alas --
CRASH
Ball four.
EBBY
Who the fuck are you?!
22.
CRASH
I'm Crash Davis. Your new catcher.
And you just got Lesson Number One --
"Don't think -- it can only hurt the
ballclub".
(beat)
Buy ya a drink?
CUT TO:
ANNIE AND MAX DANCE to Billy Eckstein on the juke box. Millie
and Tony are also on the dance floor.
ECKSTEIN
(on juke box)
April in Paris, chestnuts in blossom,
Holiday tables under the tree...
EBBY AND CRASH WATCH FROM THE CORNER TABLE -- Ebby's right
eye is blackened. He holds a drink on it.
EBBY
We fight, she gets the clown -- how's
that happen?
CRASH
Shut up -- I like this song...
(sings along)
April in Paris, this is a feeling,
No one can ever reprieve...
EBBY
She's playing with my mind.
CRASH
It's a damn easy thing to play with.
ANNIE
Well -- you boys stopped fighting
yet? Are you pals now? Good. I love
a little macho male bonding -- I
think it's sweet even if it's probably
latent homosexuality being "re-
channeled" but I believe in "re-
channeling" so who cares, right?
(beat)
Shall we go to my place?
23.
EBBY
Which one of us?
ANNIE
Oh both of you, of course...
CUT TO:
ANNIE
These are the ground rules.
(beat)
I hook up with one guy a season -- I
mean it takes me a couple of weeks
to pick the guy -- kinda my own spring
training...
(beat)
And, well, you two are the most
promising prospects of the season so
far.
(beat)
So... I thought we should get to
know each other.
CRASH
Why do you get to choose? Why don't
I get to choose?
ANNIE
Actually none of us on this planet
ever really choose each other. It's
all Quantum Physics and molecular
attraction. There are laws we don't
understand that bring us together
and break us apart.
EBBY
Is somebody gonna go to bed with
somebody or what?
24.
ANNIE
You're a regular nuclear meltdown,
honey -- slow down.
CRASH
After 12 years in the minor leagues,
I don't tryout. Besides -- I don't
believe in, Quantum Physics when it
comes to matters of the heart... or
loins.
ANNIE
(challenging him)
What do you believe in?
Crash at the door. Annie's question is slightly taunting.
He stops, and speaks with both aloofness and passion:
CRASH
I believe in the soul, the cock, the
pussy, the small of a woman's back,
the hanging curve ball, high fiber,
good scotch, long foreplay, show
tunes, and that the novels of Thomas
Pynchon are self-indulgent, overrated
crap.
(beat)
I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald
acted alone, I believe that there
oughtta be a constitutional amendment
outlawing astro-turf and the
designated hitter, I believe in the
"sweet spot", voting every election,
soft core pornography, chocolate
chip cookies, opening your presents
on Christmas morning rather than
Christmas eve, and I believe in long,
slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that
last for 7 days.
ANNIE
(breathless)
Oh my...
(softly)
Don't leave...
CRASH
G'night.
EBBY
Hey -- what's all this molecule stuff?
ANNIE
Wait, Crash -- don't go -- all I
want is a date. I'm not gonna fall
in love with you or nothin'.
CRASH
I'm not interested in a woman who's
interested in that boy.
ANNIE
I'm not interested yet.
Ebby appears in the door.
EBBY
Who you calling a "boy"?
CRASH
See ya at the yard, Meat.
Crash walks out into the Durham night. Ebby and Annie stand
in the doorway. She speaks softly to Ebby.
ANNIE
No ballplayer ever said "no" to a
date with me.
EBBY
Well shit, then, let's fuck.
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Wait, honey, slow down -- I want to
watch.
ANNIE
No, no, no. Put it back on and take
it off slowly.
26.
EBBY
Jesus, what kinda broad are you?
ANNIE
When you know how to make love, you'll
know how to pitch.
(turning to the stereo)
Shh. I love this part.
ANNIE
Oh my -- what a nice back.
EBBY
The socks? It's cold in here.
ANNIE
(sweetly, unthreatening)
You think Dwight Gooden leaves his
socks on?
Ebby considers this. Pulls his pants back up. Takes his socks
off. Then his pants.
ANNIE
Ebby honey have you ever been
handcuffed in bed?
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
27.
EBBY
Awright! I read about stuff like
this. Bring it on!
ANNIE
Sweetie, have you ever heard of Walt
Whitman?
EBBY
Who's he play for?
ANNIE
Well, he sort of pitches for the
Cosmic All-Stars.
EBBY
Never heard of 'em.
ANNIE
Good -- then listen.
(reading)
"I sing the body electric. The armies
of those I love engirth me and I
engirth them -- "
EBBY
We gonna fuck or what?
ANNIE
Shh, shh...
(reading)
"They will not let me off till I go
with them, respond to them, and
discorrupt them and charge them"
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
"Limitless limpid jets of love hot
and enormous -- quivering jelly of
love, white blow and delirious juice --
28.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
Baby love, oh oh, baby love, I need ya oh how I need ya, All
ya do is treat me bad, Take my heart and leave me sad...
CUT TO:
JIMMY
Listen up, guys, could I have your
attention a minute?
(a few heads turn)
I'm going to be leading a daily chapel
service at three in the afternoons
here in the locker room and you're
all invited to drop by and worship
before batting practice.
BOBBY
Jimmy, God damn it -- loosen up and
get laid.
JIMMY
I don't care If you think I'm square
but I believe what I believe.
BOBBY
Jesus, Ebby, what truck ran over
you?
EBBY
(glassy eyed)
Call me "Nuke". Annie said it's my
new nickname.
DEKE
Annie nailed you? That's great, means
you're gonna have a helluva year.
Does she fuck as good as they say?
EBBY
We didn't do it, man -- she read
poetry to me all night, I swear.
It's more tiring than fucking.
EBBY
-- of love"... hey, Crash, does that
mean what I think it means? What's
the deal here?
CRASH
Your shower shoes have fungus on
'em. You'll never get to the Bigs
with fungus on your shower shoes.
(beat)
Think classy and you'll be classy.
If you win 20 in the Show you can
let the fungus grow back on your
shower shoes and the press'll think
you're colorful.
(beat)
Until you win twenty in the Show,
however, it means you're a slob.
CRASH RISES AND HEADS OUT to the field. Ebby sits silently,
holding his shower shoes, taking it all in.
CUT TO:
DEKE
This guy's bringing some serious
smoke out there.
CRASH
He ain't got shit.
FOLLOW CRASH INTO THE ON-DECK CIRCLE -- The ritual. The bat
boy hands him the pine tar rag and he rubs pine tar on the
bat with great care.
CRASH (V.O.)
Look for the fastball up. He's gotta
come with the cheese. Relax. Relax.
Quick bat. Pop the clubhead. Open
the hips. Relax. You're thinking too
much. Get outta your fuckin' head,
Crash.
CRASH (V.O.)
Get on top of the ball. Quick bat.
Don't let him in your kitchen --
CRASH QUICKLY STEPS OUT OF THE BOX and picks up dirt. Rubs
it on his hands. He's pissed.
CRASH (V.O.)
You stupid fuck, Crash. What're you
swinging at a breaking ball for?
Why's he starting me off with a
hammer? Fuck me.
(more dirt)
You're okay. Stay back. Stay back,
you dumb fuck. Wait. Wait.
31.
CRASH STRIDES INTO THE PITCH -- Lashes a line drive down the
first base line. Just foul.
CRASH
Throw that shit again, meat. Throw
that weak ass shit.
(beat)
Now he's gotta try to slip the cheese
by me. One and one. You're on top.
Now bring me the gas --
CRASH
This son of a bitch throws hard.
(beat)
Annie, Annie, Annie -- who is this
Annie?
(catching himself)
Jesus, get outta the box you idiot,
where's your head? Get the broad
outta your head.
CRASH
Time out.
UMP
Time out!
CRASH STEPS OUT OF THE BOX -- Motions to the bat boy for the
pine tar rag. The boy brings it over. Crash re-applies it to
his bat.
BAT BOY
Get a hit, Crash.
CRASH
Shut up.
CRASH
Awright, awright. You've seen all
his pitches. Two and one. Relax.
Wait. Quick bat. You can hit this
shit --
CRASH
Shorten up. Bring the gas... Be quick --
be quick -- yeah, yeah...
CUT TO:
DEKE
Serious heat, eh?
CRASH
He ain't got shit.
BAT BOY
From Annie.
CRASH
Read it.
BAT BOY
Dear Crash. You have a lovely swing
but you're pulling your hips out too
early. I'd be happy to meet you at
the Batting Cage tomorrow to discuss
it. Signed, Annie.
33.
DEKE
Well if there's one chick'd know
when you're pulling your hips out
early, Annie's the one.
Crash doesn't seem too amused. He grabs the note, and the
pen hanging from the starting lineup card taped to the dugout
wall. He scrawls a quick note.
CUT TO:
ANNIE
(looking through the
glasses)
What'd he say?
JACKSON
It says... "I want to -- make...
love to you. Crash".
ANNIE
Oh my...
CUT TO:
ANNIE
See my hips?
CRASH
Yep.
ANNIE
I think Thomas Pynchon's a genius.
CRASH
When you're hitting you shouldn't
think about anything but hitting.
(MORE)
34.
CRASH (CONT'D)
(beat)
But you shouldn't think about it too
much. The trick is to use your brain
to not use your brain.
ANNIE
But you were pulling your hips last
night.
CRASH
So... Wanta make love?
ANNIE
I'm committed to Nuke for the season.
You had your chance the other night.
CRASH
What'you see in that guy -- he's
dim, pretty boy. A young, wild...
ANNIE
Young men are uncomplicated.
(Crash mutters)
And he's not "dim". He's just
inexperienced. My job is to give him
"life-wisdom" and help him make it
to the major leagues.
CRASH
That's my job too.
ANNIE
Damn.
CRASH
You're pulling your hips out.
ANNIE
But they're nice hips.
(beat)
I looked up your records -- You've
hit 227 home runs in the minors.
That's great!
CRASH
Don't tell anybody.
35.
ANNIE
Why not? If you hit twenty homers
this year you'll be the all time
minor league champ! The record's...
CRASH
247 home runs in the minors would be
a dubious honor, if ya think about
it.
ANNIE
Oh no, I think it'd be great! The
Sporting News should know about it.
CRASH
No. Please.
ANNIE SWINGS AND MISSES another one.
ANNIE
Damn.
CRASH
Let me.
CRASH
Your place or mine?
ANNIE
Despite my love of weird metaphysics
and my rejection of most Judao-
Christian ethics, I am, within the
framework of a baseball season,
monogamous.
CRASH
Fact is you're afraid of meeting a
guy like me 'cause it might be real
so you sabotage it with some bullshit
about commitment to a young boy you
can boss around --
(whack -- a line drive)
Great deal. You get to write self-
indulgent little poems all winter
about how hard it is to find a man
even though you just sent him packing --
(whack -- a line drive)
So what do you really want? You wanta
be a tragic woman figure wallowing
in the bullshit of magic?
(whack -- a line drive)
Or do you want a guy?
36.
ANNIE
Oh Crash... you do make speeches...
Crash puts the bat down, heads out the gate. She follows.
LITTLE LEAGUER #1
Hey, are you Crash Davis! Can I have
a autograph?!
CRASH
(as he signs autographs)
Well, Annie, your place or mine?
ANNIE
You got me all confused.
CRASH
A batter has two tenths of a second
to decide whether to swing --
ANNIE
I'm not a real batter. I'm a woman.
LITTLE LEAGUER
Hey, when are you guys gonna start
winning? You're terrible!
ANNIE
It's a long season, boys.
NUKE
Hey!
(coming over)
What're you guys doing here --
stealing my girl?
CRASH
Now, Nuke, would I do a thing like
that?
(to the little leaguers)
Hey kids, this is the great Ebby
Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh.
LITTLE LEAGUERS
It's Nuke, it's Nuke! Can I have
your autograph?! Etc.
37.
NUKE
No prob, kids --
CRASH
See you guys at the ballpark.
CUT TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
Yes, yes, yesnmmmmyes...
(beat)
Oh my...
(several beats)
Oh, that was just fabulous, Crash.
NUKE
Crash?
NUKE
You mean Nuke. You said "Crash".
ANNIE
I didn't say "Crash". I said Nuke.
NUKE
You said "Crash".
38.
ANNIE
Honey, don't ever listen to a woman
when she's making love. They'll say
the strangest things.
NUKE
You said "Crash".
ANNIE
Would you rather me be making love
to him, using your name, or making
love to you, using his name?
NUKE
Yeah maybe you're right.
ANNIE
You see how nice things are when we
go slow?
NUKE
Mmm, hmmm.
(beat)
You shoulda seen how many people
came to the airport to see me off.
When I got drafted first it was the
happiest day of my Father's life.
(beat)
He likes baseball more than I do...
ANNIE
You can learn to like it.
NUKE
I wanted to be the host of Dance
Fever, somethin' like that...
ANNIE
Y'know if you make it to the Bigs
you could still become the host of
Dance Fever. Baseball's a good
stepping stone for things like that.
NUKE
God, I never thought of that.
ANNIE
(sweetly)
There is a lot of things you never
thought of, sweetie -- now get some
rest for tonight's game.
39.
Nuke rests his head on Annie's shoulder. His eyes are wide
open and full of nervous energy.
CUT TO:
NUKE
Hello? Dad? This is Ebby.
(beat)
Yeah, I know, I know -- you got the
Durham papers yet? Well I been a
little wild...
(defensively)
These hitters down here are better
than the ones in high school...
(trying to change
subject)
How's Mom? Yeah? Well I am trying
hard... I am bending my back... you're
not coming down' here to visit just
yet, are you?
(beat)
Can I talk to Mom?
CUT TO:
MAYOR
Welcome to the "Atlantic Seaboard
Tobacco Growers City Council Little
League Cash Drop Night"!
CUT TO:
40.
CRASH
Drive off your back leg. You pitch
with your legs as much as your arms --
NUKE
I thought I was --
CRASH
Don't think.
MILLIE
Hi, I'm Millie.
BOBBY
I'm married.
BOBBY
What's that?
JOSE
Chicken bone cross take the curse
off this bat and bring me hits.
BOBBY
You a God damn witch?
JOSE
Yes. A switch hitting witch. Very
common in Puerto Rico.
BOBBY
Will that work for me?
JOSE
If you believe in Voodoo.
BOBBY
I'm 0 for 16! Gimme some of that
shit.
BOBBY HOLDS OUT HIS BAT for Jose to rub with the cross.
41.
JOSE
No, that is not belief. That is
desperation.
BOBBY
C'mon, God damn it, gimme some!
CUT TO:
BACK TO THE MAYOR AND CITY COUNCIL -- Hair and hats blowing
from the chopper turbulence.
MAYOR
...five, four, three, two, one...
let 'er go! One thousand big ones!
THE HELICOPTER DUMPS HUNDREDS OF DOLLAR BILLS above the field.
The night sky fills with fluttering money THE ROPE IS DROPPED --
THREE HUNDRED LITTLE LEAGUERS charge across the infield to
the falling money, scooping it up wildly, brawling, shoving,
clawing for the cash.
DISSOLVE TO:
CRASH
Don't try to strike everybody out.
(beat)
Strikeouts are boring. They're
Fascist. Throw some ground balls,
it's more Democratic.
CRASH TURNS AND HEADS TO THE PLATE and we hear the beginning
of Nuke's interior monologue.
NUKE (V.O.)
What's this guy know, eh? If he's so
great why's he been in the minors
for ten years?
(MORE)
42.
CRASH TURNS AROUND HALF WAY TO THE PLATE and returns to the
mound, as if he knows everything Nuke's thinking.
CRASH
And listen, meat. You don't know
shit. If you want to get to the Show,
you'll listen to me. She only wants
you 'cause she can boss you around,
got it?
(beat, complete tone
change)
Relax, have a ball out here. This
game's fun, okay? Fun, God damn it.
(beat)
And don't squeeze the ball so tight.
It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
NUKE'S P.O.V. The first batter steps in. Crash gives the
sign for the pitch.
NUKE
Fun? What's he know about fun?
(beat)
Why's he calling for a curveball? I
wanta bring heat.
CRASH
Shake off the pitch. Throw what you
wanta.
NUKE SHAKES OFF THE PITCH -- Here comes Crash back out to
the mound before Nuke's thrown a pitch.
CRASH
Why you shaking me off?
NUKE
I wanta throw the heater to announce
my presence with authority.
CRASH
"To announce your fucking presence
with authority"? This guy's a first
ball fastball hitter. He's looking
for heat.
NUKE
But he ain't seen my heat --
43.
CRASH
Awright, meat, give him your heat.
CRASH
Fastball.
NUKE
Why's he always call me "Meat"? I'm
the guy driving a Porsche.
THE BATTER STANDS AND WATCHES the home run, admiring the
shot, enjoying the moment. CRASH GETS IN HIS FACE instantly --
and gets very tough.
CRASH
What're you lookin' at?! You're
showing up my pitcher, bush -- get
your ass in gear!
AND CRASH HEADS TO THE MOUND where Nuke watches the Mooing
Cow and the circling batter with dismay. Crash smiles.
CRASH
Guy hit the shit outta that one, eh?
NUKE
Well, I held it like an egg.
CRASH
An' he scrambled the son of a bitch.
(beat)
Having fun yet?
NUKE
I'm having a blast.
(MORE)
44.
NUKE (CONT'D)
(beat)
God, that sucker teed off on it just
like he knew I was gonna throw a
fastball.
CRASH
He did know.
NUKE
How?
CRASH
I told him.
NUKE
Don't think. Just throw. Don't think.
Just throw.
NUKE
God, that was beautiful. What'd I
do?
THE BULL MASCOT DIVES FOR COVER -- The ball hits the bat
rack. Bats go flying.
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Oh dear... easy honey...
JACKSON
Ninety-five miles an hour...
CUT TO:
NUKE
Christ, Skip and Larry are talking
about me. Don't get anybody warm in
the pen yet. I'm okay. I'm having
fun.
NUKE
Don't yank me in the first, man.
SKIP
Relax.
NUKE
Don't pull me, Skip. I'll settle
down. I'm okay!
SKIP
(fatherly)
Relax, Nuke, Relax...
(to Crash)
What kinda stuff's he got?
CRASH
I don't know. I haven't caught
anything yet.
SKIP
What're you thinking about out here,
Nuke?
NUKE
I'm trying not to think.
SKIP
Good. But just 'cause you ain't
s'posed to think don't mean you ain't
s'posed to use your head.
CRASH
Have some fun, God damn it.
CUT TO:
ANNIE WATCHES IN THE STANDS with Jackson and the radar gun.
ANNIE
Here we go again, Jackson, hold on
tight...
DISSOLVE TO:
NUKE DELIVERS -- A batter grounds out weakly.
DURHAM AT BAT -- DUGOUT -- Crash lets Jose rub his bat with
a chicken bone cross. Then steps to the plate and --
DISSOLVE TO:
SUDDENLY SKIP STEPS INTO THE SHOWER in his uniform and angrily
throws an armload of bats into the shower.
SKIP
Anybody not outta the shower in ten
seconds gonna get fined a hundred
bucks. One, two...
SKIP
No press for five minutes, Whitey.
WHITEY
I'm doing a column on the Myth of
Sisyphus as manifest in a minor league
losing streak, Joe, and I thought...
47.
SKIP
If I ever need a brain transplant
I'll choose a sportswriter 'cause
that way I'd be getting a brain that's
never been used.
SKIP
What're you laughing at?!
Silence.
LARRY
We're eight and sixteen.
SKIP
Eight and sixteen?! How'd we ever
win eight?
(beat)
Jose, what's this sign?
JOSE
That's the steal.
SKIP
Wrong. That's the bunt. This is the
steal.
SKIP
Face is "skin to skin". Skin starts
with "S". "S" stands for steal if it
follows the indicator which is hand
(MORE)
48.
SKIP (CONT'D)
to eye 'cause the word "indicator"
starts with an "I" so I figure "eye" --
(touches his eye)
-- would remind you of "I" for
indicator to indicate that what
follows is the sign. I figure wrong --
You're a buncha lollygaggers.
(beat)
This is a simple game.
(beat)
ya throw the ball, ya hit the ball,
ya catch the ball.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE BALLPARK SIMULTANEOUS -- NIGHT
BOBBY'S WIFE
Bobby went hitless again. He's gonna
be in a terrible mood... terrible.
How'd Mickey do?
MICKEY'S WIFE
He got two hits.
BOBBY'S WIFE
Lucky you.
CUT TO:
SKIP
We can't win at home -- how we gonna
win on the road? We got a twelve day
road trip starting tomorrow.
(beat)
Bus leaves at six in the morning.
CUT TO:
BOBBY
You wanted to see me?
SKIP
Yeah, Bobby, shut the door.
(he does)
This is the toughest job a manager
has...
(beat)
But the organization has decided to
make a change --
BOBBY
Skip, I know I'm in a slump but I
hit the ball hard tonight, right at
'em. A couple flares drop in, and
I'm back in the groove!
The nearly naked 25 year old man pleads helplessly -- his
career is over.
CUT TO:
BOBBY'S WIFE
(to child)
There's Daddy! Wave to Daddy!
BOBBY'S WIFE
Oh God...
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
I want you to wear these on the road
trip when you pitch.
NUKE
What?
50.
ANNIE
They'll fit snugly against your balls
in such a wonderful way that you'll
start seeing things differently --
plus they'll remind you of me which
is better than thinking about those
nasty hitters.
NUKE
Jesus, Annie, I don't know --
ANNIE
You've been pitching out of the wrong
side of your brain. These'll help
move things to the right side.
NUKE
Big League pitchers don't use these.
ANNIE
They did when they were in the
Carolina League.
CUT TO:
ANNIE (V.O.)
A woman should never ask questions
about road trips.
CUT TO:
THE TEAM BUS PULLS OUT -- Wives and girlfriends head back to
their apartments, leaving:
ANNIE
Men don't realize that women always
know when they've been unfaithful.
(beat)
The fact is, upon exact moment of
penetration -- the woman knows.
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
This sort of spiritual awareness can
be a mixed blessing, especially if
you're dating a ballplayer. I believe
a woman oughta take care of her man
so thoroughly that he can go on the
road for a few days without having
the desire to search out another
pair of panties
(self-aware)
That is probably, however, my most
ridiculous belief.
(sigh)
I just hope the boys start winning
soon. In some profound way I fear
that a last place team is a reflection
on its women...
CUT TO:
DEKE TURNS UP HIS TAPE DECK -- George Jones sings "He Stopped
Loving Her Today".
SKIP
I got one word to say to you -- Shut
up!
Silence.
And then from the back of the bus, some soft, gentle, but
slightly dissonant guitar chords.
THE BACK OF THE BUS -- Nuke sits across the aisle from Crash,
who's re-reading Thomas Pynchon. Nuke has a guitar and is
struggling with some chords to "Try a Little Tenderness".
He butchers the chords and the words.
NUKE
(singing softly)
Oh she may get wooly, women do get
wooly, because of all the stress...
CRASH
(in disgust)
Gimme that.
CRASH
I hate people who get the words wrong.
It ain't "woolly" it's "weary" and
it nobody's got stress, they're
wearing a dress.
(beat)
Listen.
CRASH
(sings softly)
Oh she may be weary, Young girls do
get weary, Wearing the same old
dress...
NUKE
How come you don't like me?
CRASH
'Cause you don't respect yourself,
which is your problem, but you don't
respect the game -- and that's my
problem.
(beat)
You got a gift.
53.
NUKE
What do I got?
CRASH
A gift. When you were a baby the
gods reached down and turned your
left arm into a thunderbolt.
CRASH
You got a Hall of Fame arm but you're
pissing it away.
NUKE
I ain't pissing nothing away -- I
got a Porsche already. A 944 with
A.C. and a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.
CRASH
You don't need a quadraphonic
Blaupunkt -- you need a curve ball.
(beat)
In the Show, everybody can hit the
fastball.
NUKE
You been in the Majors?
CRASH
Yep.
Tony and Deke overhear this and turn around. And Crash gets
wistful, lyrical, and even slightly hopeful.
CRASH
I was in the Show for 21 days, once.
(beat)
It was the greatest 21 days of my
life. You never touch your luggage
in the show -- somebody else handles
your bags. It's great.
(beat)
The ballparks are like cathedrals,
the hotels all have room service,
the women have long legs and brains --
it's a smorgasbord.
DEKE
The women are hot, eh?
CRASH
Yeah -- and so are the pitchers.
They throw ungodly breaking stuff in
the Show -- exploding sliders.
54.
CRASH
You could be one of those guys --
but you don't give a fuck, Meat.
NUKE
God damn it I'm sick of you calling
me "Meat"! You wanta step outside!
CRASH
Yeah, let's go.
NUKE
Teach me how to throw a breaking
ball.
CRASH
As I was saying ya hold it like an
egg.
The opening bars on the National Anthem -- "Oh Say Can You
See"
DISSOLVE TO:
MAX PATKIN COACHES THIRD in his comic routine, now, for the
Winston-Salem team, as Durham is in the field.
55.
CUT TO:
TEDDY
(on the air)
...double off the wall by Higgins,
and once again the Durham pitchers
are unable to get the first out of
the inning...
TEDDY
(on the air)
Line drive to center -- a diving
stab by McFee -- ohhhh! Ball gets
by his glove, another run in and the
crowd loves it --
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
TEDDY (O.S.)
(on the air)
Bulls will attempt to end a six game
losing streak against the Greensboro
Astros with Nuke LaLoosh on the
hill...
CUT TO:
NUKE DRESSES FOR THE GAME -- He pulls the RED PANTIES out of
his bag. Looks around the clubhouse. Nobody sees them. He's
embarrassed anyway -- and stuffs them back.
CUT TO:
EXT. GREENSBORO BALLPARK DAY
CUT TO:
TEDDY
(on the air)
Base hit centerfield off LaLoosh...
TEDDY
(on the air)
That closes the book on LaLoosh today,
5 earned runs, 5 hits, 5 strikeouts,
5 walks, 5 wild pitches...
CUT TO:
SKIP REMOVES NUKE FROM THE GAME and he heads for the showers.
CUT TO:
57.
CUT TO:
NUKE IN THE SHOWERS ALONE -- Letting the water run over him.
TEDDY
(on the air)
It's time to tell it like it is,
sports fans -- and this is the most
wretched road trip I've seen in 20
years, and possibly the worst Durham
team in half a century.
(beat)
Where are the great Bull players of
yesteryear? Where are the Footsie
Blakes, the Digger O'Dells, the Gus
Palowitzes?
THE TEAM BUS PULLS INTO YET ANOTHER HOTEL and this time, a
Bus with a sign -- "Holiday on Ice" pulls in next to them.
TEDDY
(on the air)
Is the modern athlete a pale imitation
of the great old warriors? Only Crash
Davis stands out this year, begging
the question, "What are these boys
thinking about, 'cause it sure ain't
baseball".
CUT TO:
58.
TONY
Ice skaters. God. Look't em. that's
what we need, y'know -- one night
with some skaters and we can get
back on track...
DEKE
We need a night off just to stop our
losing streak. We need a rainout.
CRASH
I can get us a rainout.
MICKEY
It's 90 degrees, there ain't been a
cloud in the sky in weeks.
CRASH
Hundred bucks says I can get us a
rainout tomorrow.
TONY
You're on.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
59.
CUT TO:
KINGSTON G.M.
KINGSTON G.M.
CUT TO:
TEN OF THE DURHAM BULLS sit in the front row. Nuke, Deke,
Tommy, others, but not Crash. Tony waves to a skater.
CUT TO:
DEKE
Par--ty! I blew a whole day's meal
money for this champagne seven
dollars, man, it better be good.
MICKEY
For seven bucks it better be some
serious shit.
TOMMY
What time is it, eh? When are they
coming?
CUT TO:
INT. KINGSTON HOTEL COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT
NUKE
This is from Tony for the rainout.
C'mon, man, let's go to the party.
CRASH
Naw...
NUKE
"Naw"? There's ice skaters coming!
You ever made love to an ice skater?
CRASH
By the dozen. Holiday on Ice, Ice
Capades, Ice Follies --
(beat)
I'm through with one night stands.
NUKE
You're through with one night stands?!
What do you want?
CRASH
I just wanta play everyday despite
small nagging injuries -- and go
home to a woman who appreciates how
full of crap I truly am.
NUKE
You're weird, man -- I want a ice
skater real bad.
61.
CRASH
Go for it.
NUKE
If I get laid, you won't tell Annie?
CRASH
I won't have to.
CUT TO:
DEKE
It's them, it's them! Be casual.
(calling out)
Come in!
NUKE
Hey, guys, pa--rty!
TOMMY
Shut up and be cool, man. Like Mickey
there...
MICKEY
You wanta make it to the Show, Rock,
you gotta learn how to "lounge".
NUKE
How's this?
MICKEY
You got it.
TOMMY
Entre.
62.
ICE SKATER #1
Pa--rty!
CUT TO:
MICKEY'S WIFE
Do you think your husband plays around
on the road trips?
DEKE'S WIFE
No way. Well... God... do we have to
talk about that?
MICKEY'S WIFE
I guess not... it's just that once I
asked Mickey if he was faithful to
me on the road trips and he said "in
his heart he was faithful".
(beat)
What the hell does that mean?
DEKE'S WIFE
It means he's unfaithful -- but only
a man would put it in those words.
CUT TO:
SKIP
I just got one word to say to
everybody -- shut up!
SKIP
Nuke -- get everybody in here. Hundred
dollar fine anybody's not here in
five.
CUT TO:
NUKE
Get your holy ass in Room 401.
NUKE
Hundred dollar fine if you're not in
#401 in five.
JOSE
Hundred dollars?!
JOSE AND TONY LOOK AT THE TWO WOMEN -- It's a lot of money
in Class AAA ball.
TONY
Christ. Sorry ladies...
NAKED LADY
Go to hell! You're in last place
anyway!
CUT TO:
NUKE
Crash! Skip wants everybody in #401
for a team meeting. Hundred buck
fine if ya don't show!
64.
CRASH PULLS OUT THE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL and hands it to him.
CRASH
Party without me.
NUKE
God -- what a Big League move.
CUT TO:
ICE SKATER #1
We're ice skaters. Can we go now?
SKIP
No. I want you to hear my philosophy.
It'll do you some good
(beat)
Here it is. This is a simple game.
You throw the ball, you hit the ball,
you catch the ball. You got that?!
ICE SKATER #1
(frightened)
Yes.
SKIP
Are you lovely creatures aware that
you are about to compromise yourselves
with a buncha bums who are --
(to Larry)
-- what are we?
LARRY
Eight and twenty-four.
SKIP
Eight and twenty-four! How'd we ever
win 8 games?
LARRY
It's a miracle.
65.
SKIP
Look, guys -- I'm a man, I got needs
too. I understand this party --
but...
(beat)
sex is the one thing you can get
further behind in and catch up faster
than anything I know.
(beat)
There's a baseball lesson in there
somewhere.
(looking around)
Where's Crash?
NUKE
He can't make it. Here's his fine.
SKIP
Aw Christ, he don't have to come.
He's hitting .350.
TOMMY
Don't you think that's a double
standard -- we're here and he ain't?
SKIP
I believe in a double standard for
guys hitting .350.
(beat)
Look, men -- you got a choice. You
wanta be roasting your nuts off for
Midas Muffler welding exhaust pipes
up the assholes of Cadillacs... or --
(beat)
You wanta be sitting in the Caddy
while some other guy's crawling around
in a monkey suit with a blow torch?
(beat)
There's only two places you can be
in life -- in the Caddy or under it.
(nearly pleading)
These are the best years of your
lives. These are the glamor days.
(beat)
It don't got any better than this.
(threatening, tough)
But... if this club don't start
winning soon, there's gonna be changes
made!
CUT TO:
66.
DEKE'S WIFE
(wistfully)
Deke was a great player in high
school. I thought held go right to
the Major Leagues -- I was gonna be
a Big League wife.
(beat)
Pass the Pampers, please.
CRASH
Helluva guy --
Silence.
Crash flips off the T.V. with the remote.
NUKE
Can I ask you something?
CRASH
What?
NUKE
What would you think of a pitcher
who wore women's panties?
CRASH
If he had a good breaking ball, I'd
respect the shit outta him.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON NUKE'S FACE -- He takes his cap off, wipes his brow.
SLOW FULLBACK ON NUKE -- HE'S STARK NAKED save for his cap
and glove. Everyone else is clothed.
67.
CUT TO:
NUKE
No!
CRASH
Wake up, it's okay... you're
dreaming...
CRASH HELPS NUKE back to consciousness. Nuke shakes his head,
trying to wake up. Crash is almost tender.
NUKE
I was playing naked.
CRASH
I know, I know -- I have that dream
all the time. We're almost home.
CUT TO:
The team bus pulls into a deserted parking lot. A few of the
players' cars are parked. Some of the wives and girlfriends.
And Annie.
CUT TO:
NUKE
God I'm tired. What a trip I was
lousy. I was worse than lousy.
Everytime I pitched -- it was like
throwing gasoline on a fire. Kaboom.
I --
ANNIE
What is this "I, I, I" stuff? You
only talk about yourself? Aren't you
glad to see me? Don't I look nice?
NUKE
Sorry. You look great. I'm totally
exhausted.
ANNIE
Good. Total exhaustion can be
spiritually fabulous.
(beat)
Let's play catch.
NUKE
Catch?
CUT TO:
JACKSON
Hum, babe, hum, babe, fire it in
here, hum babe--
ANNIE
That's not necessary, Jackson --
(beat)
Okay, Nuke, now lean in for the sign.
NUKE
This in ridiculous. I'm a pro.
ANNIE
Just do what I say. Now, which nostril
are you breathing through?
NUKE
Which nostril am I breathing through?
69.
ANNIE
The right nostril. Good.
NUKE
My right nostril?
ANNIE
There are two important psychic
conduits called the "pingala" and
the "ida". The pingala starts with
the left testicle (or left ovary of
the female) and ends at the right
nostril.
ANNIE
The ida originates at the right
testicle (or ovary) and terminates
at the left nostril.
NUKE
I'm really beat. I need some serious
"z's" --
ANNIE
The pingala is the nostril used for
throwing a baseball.
(beat)
And if you discover before a game
you're in the wrong nostril, it's
easy to switch.
NUKE
Switch nostrils?
ANNIE
Right. Okay, fire a couple in there.
ANNIE
You're patronizing me! I will not be
patronized --
NUKE
If I throw too hard I'll hurt the
kid.
70.
ANNIE
He's handled a lotta pitchers whose
records were better than one and
six.
NUKE
(a bit angry)
How was that?
ANNIE
A little better.
NUKE
Gimme the God damn ball!
NUKE WINDS UP and fires a pitch to Jackson. Alas --
NUKE
(cynically)
How ya like that?
ANNIE
Much better. Your delivery was fully
integrated because you weren't
thinking about it 'cause you were
pissed off at me.
(beat)
This is progress.
NUKE
I give up. Let's go inside, make
love, and fall asleep till it's time
to go to the ballpark.
She takes his hand and leads him up to the back porch.
ANNIE
Or...
(taking his hand)
...We could just take that sexual
energy and save it for a few hours
and re-channel it into your pitching
tonight.
(shouting)
C'mon, Jackson, I've got some
lemonade!
NUKE
I can't keep up with you. First you
say sex is gonna make me a better
pitcher -- now no sex is gonna do
it?!
ANNIE
It's all the same thing.
NUKE
What's that?!
ANNIE
(matter of factly)
That's Max. His ashes anyway. He
left no kin...
NUKE
God... I think I'm gonna be sick --
ANNIE
Oh don't be silly. Death is nothing
to be scared of. It's just another
way of living. It's just a fresh
start -- kinda like spring training.
NUKE
Death is like spring training?
ANNIE
Yes. And so is birth. Now look me in
the eyes, Nuke --
(sweetly accusing him)
You haven't been wearing my panties,
have you?
CUT TO:
CRASH
Hot. Very hot...
NUKE
Annie says her panties will keep one
side of my brain occupied while I'm
on the mound, thus keeping my brain
slightly off center, which is where
it should be for artists and pitchers.
She also said I should throw whatever
pitches you call for.
CRASH
Annie's a smart lady.
DEKE
Hey, fruit alert! Check out the Rook.
NUKE
Annie says there's no such thing as
straight and gay. We're all sexual
creatures to start with, and we get
formed into certain roles.
TOMMY
You believe that?
NUKE
When I'm one and six I'll believe
anything.
(as they dress)
Annie also says that God is a woman.
You believe that, Crash, you think
God's a lady?
CRASH
God's definitely a woman -- but she's
no lady.
TOMMY
This is all Commie bullshit.
(beat)
God has a dick, man.
73.
TONY
God damn it, Jimmy, you're an expert --
does God have a dick or a pussy?
JIMMY
The Lord God is tri-une -- Father,
Son, and Holy Ghost.
TOMMY
Father and Son. Awright!
MICKEY
(baiting them)
Yeah, but He is a brother.
TOMMY
Bullshit! God ain't no brother!
DEKE
If there is a God, why am I hitting
.200?
SKIP
Shut up! This is a damn noisy
clubhouse for a team that's lost 15
straight.
Silence.
SKIP
Patkin was a tribute to baseball...
LARRY
...and one helluva guy.
CUT TO:
GOSPEL SINGER
(singing)
I come to the garden alone, When the
dew is still on the roses, And the
voice I hear, whispering in my ear,.
The Son of God discloses --
JACKSON SITS IN THE DUGOUT FILLING ROSIN BAGS with the extra
ashes from a box.
DISSOLVE TO:
NUKE
God, these panties feel great. That
don't make me queer, right? Right.
Whoo.
(reads the sign)
Breaking ball.
NUKE
I ain't queer. I know I ain't...
(reads the sign)
Fastball.
CUT TO:
JACKSON
Ninety-three miles an hour.
ANNIE
He looks wonderful, Jackson...
CUT TO:
NUKE
Fastball again? Why's he want the
heat -- I just threw heat. Don't
think, Meat -- give 'em the gas.
CUT TO:
SKIP
Jesus -- what's got into Nuke?
LARRY
I heard he's wearing women's underwear --
and he's breathing through his pingala
nostril.
SKIP
(spitting tobacco)
I'm getting too old for this game.
CUT TO:
NUKE
God, Annie's got a great ass... How
come her panties fit me? That's one
of the mysteries of sex I guess...
CUT TO:
NUKE PUTS ON HIS WARM UP JACKET and sits down next to Crash,
who's taking off his gear, readying to hit.
NUKE
I was great, eh?
CRASH
Your fastball was up and your
curveball was hanging -- in the Show
they woulda ripped you.
76.
NUKE
Can't you let me enjoy the moment?
CRASH
The moment's over.
(rising to get a bat)
If this guy starts me off with a
breaking ball, I'm going downtown --
CUT TO:
Crash kneels, rubbing the bat handle with pine tar. He studies
the pitcher working the first two hitters.
CRASH RISES and heads to the plate.
CRASH
I dare you to throw me the hammer --
you ain't that stupid...
CRASH
Breaking ball -- you fool!
DISSOLVE TO:
CUT TO:
NUKE FIRES THREE QUICK PITCHES for another strike out. Curve
ball, fast ball, curve ball. Overpowering.
CUT TO:
77.
ANNIE
Oh my...
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
NUKE
Hey, I'm cruisin', man -- what're
you doing out here?!
CRASH
I want you to throw this one at the
bat rack.
NUKE
Why?! I'm finally throwin' the damn
thing where I want to.
CRASH
It'll keep the fear of God in the
hitters. Trust me.
NUKE
You're the boss.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
BATTER
This guy's crazy.
CRASH
Yep. Next one might be at your head.
Hell if I know where the damn thing's
going...
CUT TO:
SCOREBOARD: DURHAM 11, KINGSTON 0 -- TOP OF THE NINTH
CUT TO:
NUKE
Bear down, Meat, don't let up. You
own these guys. Dad'll love a
shutout...
NUKE
No, no -- this guy's looking for
heat -- lemme give him the deuce --
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Oh no -- he's shaking off the sign,
Jackson. Big mistake...
JACKSON
He'll learn.
CUT TO:
CRASH
This son of a bitch is throwing a
two hit shutout and he's shaking me
off?!
(to batter and umpire)
Hey Charlie, here comes the deuce.
CRASH
Yep. He really crushed that dinger,
didn't he. Musta gone 450 feet...
damn...
NUKE HOLDS OUT HIS GLOVE -- Says nothing. Crash puts a new
ball in the glove. Returns to the plate.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
ANNIE
I'm yours.
80.
NUKE
Y'know, Annie, I been thinking if it
works for one game, maybe it'll work
for a whole buncha games.
ANNIE
Breathing through your pingala always
works, honey --
NUKE
Not that. I mean the re-channeling
of my sexual energy.
(beat)
Maybe we shouldn't make love for
awhile.
ANNIE
Now don't go overboard, I look
incredibly hot, right?
NUKE
You know what it feels like to throw
a three hitter?
(nervously, with
resolve)
We better not fuck.
ANNIE
Nuke?!
NUKE
Just till I lose.
ANNIE
Get over here.
NUKE
No.
ANNIE
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh --
She starts toward him -- and Nuke flees. Out the door, into
the night. Annie slumps in disbelief.
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE (V.O.)
Nuke was so encouraged that he took
a vow to not have sex until they
lost...
ANNIE (V.O.)
Y'see a ballplayer on a streak
considers himself touched with magic
and he'll do anything to keep from
breaking the spell...
CUT TO:
INT. DURHAM BULL LOCKER ROOM -- DAY
ANNIE (V.O.)
In fact the whole team started making
religious connections and everybody
got hot.
CUT TO:
ANNIE (V.O.)
I figured Nuke would win a couple,
then lose, and things would get back
to normal...
ANNIE (V.O.)
But it didn't happen like that...
and for one extraordinary June and
July, the Durham Bulls, for whatever
perverse reason, began playing
baseball with joy and verve and poetry --
ANNIE (V.O.)
The two sides of my own brain were
all jumbled up and cross-wired...
while one side was being neglected,
the other was in paradise watching
our Bulls play like Big Leaguers...
ANNIE (V.O.)
We swept a four game series with
Kingston, back to back doubleheaders
with Winston-Salem, and kicked the
holy shit out of Greensboro in a
three game series...
SEVERAL PLAYERS SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS at a local mall. A line
of kids to meet them. A banner -- MEET YOUR BULLS!
ANNIE (V.O.)
They were in demand all over town --
and Crash, who kept hitting dingers,
was approaching the minor league
record... though I told nobody.
ANNIE (V.O.)
After sweeping a July 4 doubleheader,
the Durham Bulls were tied for first.
THE WIVES, THE GROUPIES, AND MILLIE WAIT for the players
outside the clubhouse following a game.
ANNIE (V.O.)
But beautiful as the winning streak
was, I was getting damn lonely.
(beat)
Something had to be done. I needed a
man...
CUT TO:
NUKE
I love winning, Crash, you hear me?
I love it. Teach me everything.
CRASH
It's time you started working on
your interviews.
NUKE
What do I gotta do?
CRASH
Learn your clichés. Study them. Know
them. They're your friends.
CRASH
Write this down.
(beat)
"We gotta play 'em one day at a time."
NUKE
Boring.
CRASH
Of course. That's the point.
(beat)
"I'm just happy to be here and hope
I can help the ballclub."
NUKE
Jesus.
CRASH
Write, write -- "I just wanta give
It my best shot and, Good Lord
willing, things'll work out."
NUKE
"...Good Lord willing, things'll
work out."
CRASH
Yep. So how's Annie?
NUKE
She's getting steamed 'cause I'm
still re-channeling my sexual energy --
maybe I should cave in and sleep
with her once just to calm her down.
What'ya think?
CRASH
You outta your mind? If you give in
now you might start losing.
(beat)
Never fuck with a winning streak.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE STADIUM PARKING LOT -- DAY
MILLIE
Hi, Jimmy. Want a ride?
JIMMY
(nervously)
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as
your personal savior?
MILLIE
No.
JIMMY
Can I give you my testimony?
MILLIE
You can do anything you want.
(a tiny grin)
Hop in.
CUT TO:
ANNIE
I'm so proud of you and all the guys.
Want some more soup?
NUKE
No, no, it was great.
ANNIE
How 'bout a back rub?
NUKE
No, that's okay. All I need's a little
nap.
ANNIE
I'll tuck you in.
NUKE
(nervously)
You can't seduce me.
ANNIE
I'm not gonna try to seduce you,
sweetie...
NUKE
What's that?
She pulls back her skirt slightly, exposing her garter snaps
attached to her stockings.
ANNIE
That's my leg.
NUKE
I know what it is.
ANNIE
I figure we could work on some
fundamentals even if we don't make
love.
NUKE
Fundamentals?
ANNIE
Sure.
(beat)
Unsnap my stockings.
86.
Nuke squirms, then reaches for her garter snaps. And stops.
NUKE
Crash once called a woman's, uh --
pussy -- y'know how the hair kinda
makes a "V" shape? --
ANNIE
Yes I do...
NUKE
Well -- he calls it the Bermuda
Triangle. He said a man can get lost
in there and never be heard from
again.
ANNIE
What a nasty thing to say.
NUKE
He didn't mean it nasty. He said
that gettin' lost and disappearing
from the face of the earth was
sometimes a good thing to do --
especially like that.
ANNIE
Oh...
(beat)
Crash is a very smart man. Now c'mon,
honey, give it a try.
NUKE REACHES FOR THE GARTER SNAPS with two hands. He fumbles,
groping awkwardly. Annie stops him gently.
ANNIE
Watch... one hand --
NUKE
oh.
ANNIE
Now you try.
ANNIE
(sighing sexually)
Mmmmmmm... oh yes...
87.
NUKE
No! You're playing with my mind!
ANNIE
I'm trying to play with your body!
NUKE
I knew it -- you're seducing me!
ANNIE
Of course I'm seducing you for
Godsakes, and I'm doing a damn poor
job of it --
(beat)
Aren't I pretty?
NUKE
I think you're real cute.
ANNIE
Cute?! I hate cute! Baby ducks are
cute! I wanta be exotic and
mysterious!
NUKE
You're exotic and mysterious and
cute -- that's why I better leave.
ANNIE
Nuke! You got things all wrong!
There's no relation between sex and
baseball. Ask Crash.
NUKE
I did.
ANNIE
What'd he say?
NUKE
He said if I gave in to you I'd start
losing again.
ANNIE
He did?
NUKE
I'll be back when we lose.
88.
CUT TO:
CRASH
Come in.
ANNIE ENTERS the room. Crash stays with his stance.
ANNIE
Crash... I want you.
CRASH
Nuke won't go to bed with you, eh?
ANNIE
He's confused --
CRASH
Aren't we all?
ANNIE
Don't you think I'm pretty?
CRASH
You're gorgeous, God damn it! From
the moment I first saw you I knew I
had to have you. I had to have you!
ANNIE
I want to be had.
CRASH
I think of you and the "boy" all the
time.
ANNIE
He won't make love to me anymore.
89.
CRASH
And he's right! A ballplayer on a
streak has to respect the streak.
They don't happen very often.
(beat)
You know how hard this game is? If
you believe you're playing well
because you're getting laid or because
you're not getting laid or because
you wore red silk panties -- then
you are!
(beat)
And I still think Thomas Pynchon is
full of shit.
ANNIE
I want you desperately!
Crash can hardly keep up. So he slows her down --
CRASH
Who are you? Do you have a job?
ANNIE
I teach part time at the Junior
College. What if I told you I was
through with Nuke? He learned his
lessons quickly and left me.
CRASH
And now you wanta teach me?
ANNIE
I don't imagine there's much I could
teach you.
CRASH
I doubt that.
ANNIE
Crash, I get wet just thinking about
you.
CRASH
I thought you wanted an
"uncomplicated" boy?
ANNIE
I'm ready for a complicated man.
CRASH
-- and as soon as we lose a game,
he'll be back in your arms.
90.
ANNIE
I said when I think about you, I get
wet.
CRASH
Annie, I think you should leave.
ANNIE
God damn you -- what is happening?
Is there no man who'll have me?
(beat)
This is the weirdest season I ever
saw -- the Durham Bulls can't lose
and I can't get laid!
CRASH
(softly)
You okay?
Annie slides against the wall down to the floor. Tears flow.
Her makeup runs. Her eyes are red.
ANNIE
(shakily)
I need a drink.
CUT TO:
CRASH
Why baseball?
ANNIE
(sighs)
I was raised in a Baptist church got
dipped in the water when I was 5 --
born again before kindergarten... by
the time I was 10 I knew it was
bullshit and at 15 I ran away from
home...
ANNIE
pregnant, had an abortion, got
pregnant again, had an abortion
(MORE)
91.
ANNIE (CONT'D)
again... gave up men. Tried women.
Missed men. My mother died.
(beat)
I bought a car for $200 and drove to
Ft. Lauderdale to bury her.
(beat)
And after we'd sung some hymns in
some wretched Florida funeral home,
I went outside and something happened --
ANNIE
The smell of cut grass in the warm
March air overwhelmed me and I heard
a noise --
(makes the sound))
-- tok, tok, tok -- and some men
shouting... then tok, tok, tok.
ANNIE
I crossed the street -- it was the
New York Yankees spring training
field -- tok, tok, tok, was the sound
of a ball hitting a bat -- and I sat
in the warm bleachers to think about
my mother...
(beat)
And I saw him.
CRASH
Who?
ANNIE
Thurman Munson.
(beat)
He was covered with dirt and he was
fighting with everybody -- it was
beautiful...
(beat)
And he called the ump a cocksucker
and got thrown out of the game even
though it was an exhibition!
(beat)
So I stayed in the bleachers all
spring and gradually came to
understand what's so great about
baseball.
CRASH
What's so great about baseball?
92.
ANNIE
If you know where home plate is,
then you know where 1st base is, and
2nd, and everything else -- 'cause
they're always in the same place in
relation to home.
(beat)
Don't you see? If you know where
home plate is, then you know where
everything else in the universe is!
Silence.
CRASH
I don't know if I'd go that far.
ANNIE
It's true, It's true!
(beat, down)
Least it used to be true. It ain't
possible that baseball's not enough
anymore, is it, Crash?
CRASH
It's possible.
ANNIE
No.
CRASH
Are you gonna be waking up next to
20 year old ballplayers when you're
60?
ANNIE
Well... I used to think that wasn't
the worst thing in the world to look
forward to. Lately I'm not so sure.
CRASH
Why not?
ANNIE
(angrily)
Whatta you mean "why not"? Are you
gonna play forever?!
MILLIE
Annie, Annie! There she is -- we've
been looking all over for ya. Hi
Crash.
MILLIE
Well tell 'em, honey.
JIMMY
(nervously)
We're getting married.
MILLIE
He's a virgin.
JIMMY
Well, yeah...
(to Annie and Crash)
I guess that probably seems pretty
corny to people like you.
ANNIE
Oh Jimmy, honey, I think it sounds
wonderful!
MILLIE
Annie, will you be the bride's maid?
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
SKIP
Nuke's overthrowing tonight, he don't
look loose. Anything bothering him?
94.
LARRY
He said his chakras were jammed and
he was breathing out of the wrong
nostril.
SKIP
(spitting tobacco)
Okay...
CUT TO:
NUKE
I'm nervous -- my old man's here.
CRASH
Hey, he's just your father, man --
he's as full of shit as anybody.
DEKE
What the hell's going on?
TOMMY
You breathing through the wrong
fucking nostril again?
DEKE
Hey, you guys hear Jimmy and Millie
are engaged?! Wait'll I tell him
she's gone down on half the Carolina
League --
CRASH
(threatening)
Anybody says anything bad about
Millie, I'll break his neck.
NUKE
Hey, guys, I got a game to pitch.
95.
JOSE
Don't throw anything to me -- my
girlfriend put a curse on my glove.
NUKE
I'll take the curse off the son of a
bitch!
JOSE
Then you got to cut the head off a
live rooster.
NUKE
Shit.
MICKEY JOINS THE CROWD from third base.
MICKEY
Don't worry, man, this umpire's a
God damn racist.
CUT TO:
SKIP
What the hell's going on out there?
LARRY
It's a damn convention.
SKIP
Check it out.
CUT TO:
LARRY
What the hell's going on out here?
CRASH
Nuke's scared cause his nostrils are
jammed and his old man's here, we
need a live rooster to take the curse
off Jose's glove, and nobody knows
what to get Jimmy and Millie for
their wedding present -- there's a
whole lotta shit we're trying to
deal with --
96.
LARRY
Oh. I thought there was a problem.
CUT TO:
MILLIE
You should be at the game.
ANNIE
No, no -- I'm fine. Millie, how much
time did you and Jimmy spend together
before he proposed?
MILLIE
Five hours. We both just know.
(studying the dress)
Do you think I deserve to wear white?
ANNIE
We all deserve to wear white.
CUT TO:
CRASH
I got him on the knee!
97.
UMPIRE
You missed him!
CRASH
God damn It, Jack, he still ain't
touched the plate.
UMPIRE
Don't bump me.
CRASH
It was a cocksucking call!
UMPIRE
Did you call me a cocksucker?
CRASH
No! I said It was a cock-sucking
call and you can't run me for that!
UMPIRE
You missed the tag!
CRASH
You spit on me!
UMPIRE
I didn't spit on you!
CRASH
You're in the wrong business, Jack --
you're Sears-Roebuck material!
UMPIRE
You're close, Crash, you want me to
run you? I'll run you!
CRASH
You want me to call you a cocksucker?!
UMPIRE
Try it! Go ahead. Call me a
cocksucker!
CRASH
Beg me!
UMPIRE
Call me a cocksucker and you're outta
here!
CRASH
Beg me again!
98.
UMPIRE
Call me a cocksucker and you're outta
here!
CRASH
You're a cocksucker!
UMPIRE
You're outta here!
CUT TO:
MILLIE
Crash musta called the guy a
cocksucker
ANNIE
God, he's so romantic...
CUT TO:
ANNIE
When Crash got throwed out, the game
got out of hand...
(beat)
...Jose made three errors with his
cursed mitt...
ANNIE
Nuke never quite got in the groove
though he didn't pitch bad...
ANNIE
...and the winning streak came to an
end with a 3-2 loss...
(beat)
The good news was that a man was
about to come calling... the bad
news was -- it was the wrong guy.
DISSOLVE TO:
NUKE
We lost.
ANNIE
It's okay...
NUKE
I'd like you to meet my father.
ANNIE
(surprised)
Oh -- won't YOU come in?
CUT TO:
NUKE'S FATHER
Ebby's told me a lot about you.
ANNIE
Uh oh...
(beat)
Can I offer you some coffee?
NUKE'S FATHER
Yeah... Ebby tells me you're a very
spiritual woman. He tells me you've
taught him a lot about discipline
and self-control.
ANNIE
He's a good student.
NUKE'S FATHER
We were worried that Ebby might get
involved with the wrong crowd in
professional baseball -- we're so
pleased, he met a Christian woman.
ANNIE
Praise the Lord, eh?
ANNIE
Oh my -- I better fix that. Ebby
will you help me? I'm no good with
mechanical things
NUKE
I couldn't dump my old man but maybe
later I can sneak away from him...
ANNIE
You don't have to...
NUKE
I'm starting to understand what you're
teaching me. I mean the panties and
the nostrils and all that shit... I
mean I'm getting it --
ANNIE
So am I. Nuke, honey, we need to
talk --
NUKE
Aw hell, let's have a quickie right
here --
101.
ANNIE
-- but you're father's in there!
NUKE
Crash says I gotta quit worrying
about him -- c'mon, honey, we got a
lotta catching up to do --
ANNIE
Nuke -- we do need to talk!
CUT TO:
ANNIE
(on phone)
Hello? Skip? Yeah, as a matter of
fact, he is here.
ANNIE
It's Skip, for you.
NUKE
I'm going to the Show.
(MORE)
102.
NUKE (CONT'D)
(beat)
They're sending me up to finish out
the season with the Big Club. I'm
going to the Show!
NUKE'S FATHER
Let's have a quick word of prayer,
right here, to thank the Lord for
all this --
ANNIE
Oh let's not...
NUKE
I gotta leave first thing in the
morning.
ANNIE
That's great!
NUKE
How can I possibly thank you?
ANNIE
Just pitch well and do good.
NUKE
I will, I will -- C'mon, Dad, I'll
dump you off. I gotta find Crash.
NUKE'S FATHER
God bless you.
ANNIE
(to herself)
She will, Mr. LaLoosh, she will...
CUT TO:
TONY
Crash ain't there. He never gets
back till four or five --
NUKE
Where does he go?
TONY
Well, I'd rather not say.
NUKE
They called me up to the Show and I
wanta tell Crash goodbye.
TONY
Goddamn, that's great! Jesus!
(beat)
Listen, Crash don't like anybody to
know it but --
(beat)
Most nights he goes down to, you
know, down to Niggertown. To
Sandy's... the whorehouse.
NUKE
He goes to a whorehouse every night?
TONY
Don't tell him I told you -- he'd
break my neck.
CUT TO:
BLACK CABBIE
That's Sandy's. Keep your extra cash
In your shoes.
CUT TO:
SANDY
What'you want, kid?
NUKE
I'm looking for somebody.
SANDY
Who ain't?
NUKE
Looking for Crash Davis.
SANDY
Ain't here.
NUKE
I'm Nuke LaLoosh. With the Bulls.
SANDY
(studying him)
Your breaking ball's getting better
but ya need a change up.
CUT TO:
CRASH
(singing and playing)
But when she does get weary -- Try a
little tenderness...
CRASH
(singing)
You know she's waiting, just
anticipating, the things that she'll
never possess...
(beat)
While she's there waiting -- Try a
little tenderness...
Nuke interrupts the instrumental passage:
NUKE
Crash. I'm going to the Show.
NUKE
Club's expanding its roster to finish
the season --
CRASH
Shut up. I'm playing.
(singing last 8 bars)
Oh you won't regret it, young girls
don't forget it, lost in their own
wilderness...
(beat)
But it's all so easy -- Just try a
little tenderness...
As Crash plays on --
NUKE
I'm going to the Show.
CRASH
Then go.
NUKE GRABS CRASH by the hair and jerks him to his feet. The
two men are face to face.
NUKE
I'm trying to thank you.
CRASH
Let go of me!
106.
SANDY
He makin' trouble for you, Mr. Davis?
CRASH
No, no, Sandy, put it down.
(drunkenly, to Nuke)
Nuke, you know Sandy Grimes? Hit
.367 at Louisville in 155.
SANDY
I hit .371.
CRASH
He hit .371 -- C'mon, Nuke -- you
and me, let's step outside and settle
this.
NUKE
Settle what?
CRASH
C'mon!
NUKE
I don't wanta fight you, I wanta
thank you. Let's have a drink and
forget this --
CRASH
God damn it, you fucking virgin prick --
step outside.
CUT TO:
NUKE
C'mon, we got nothin' to fight about.
CRASH
You fuck!
NUKE
Why am I a fuck?
107.
CRASH
Why are you a fuck?
(beat)
'Cause you got talent. I got brains.
But you got talent! You're God damn
left arm is worth a million dollars
a year.
(drunken insight)
All my limbs put together are worth
7 cents a pound -- and that's for
science and dog meat.
NUKE
You're a great catcher.
CRASH
Come over here into the light so I
can kick your ass.
NUKE
No.
CRASH
Okay, I'll kick your ass there.
CRASH
...God damn... I forgot my fucking
shoes. Honey, go get my shoes.
NUKE
I'll take you back to the hotel.
CRASH
(drunken, mad)
You know what the difference is
between hitting .250 and hitting
.300? I got it figured out.
(beat)
Twenty-five hits a year in 500 at
bats is 50 points. Okay? There's 6
months in a season, that's about 25
weeks -- you get one extra flare a
week -- just one -- a gork, a ground
ball with eyes, a dying quail --
just one more dying quail a week and
you're in Yankee Stadium!
CUT TO:
108.
CUT TO:
NUKE
Forget it. You ain't worth thanking --
NUKE STARTS TO WALK AWAY -- Crash fires his one free shoe at
Nuke hitting him in the back of the head.
CRASH
Come on, Meat...
CRASH
Nuke... tell me something. Did you
hit me with your right or your left?
NUKE
My right.
CRASH
Good. Good. That's terrific...
NUKE
What?
CRASH
If ya get in a fight with some
asshole, never hit his with your
pitching hand. Ya might get injured.
(MORE)
109.
CRASH (CONT'D)
(smiles)
That's another lesson for ya -- now
quit fucking around and help me up.
AND FINALLY NUKE REACHES DOWN AND HELPS CRASH to his feet.
NUKE
Ya look like shit.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
CRASH
Sorry about last night.
NUKE
Forget it.
CRASH
I have been known, on occasion, to
howl at the moon. D'you understand
that?
NUKE
No.
CRASH
You will.
(beat)
Look, Nuke -- these Big League hitters
are gonna light you up like a pin
ball machine for awhile -- don't
worry about it. Be cocky and arrogant
even when you're getting beat. That's
the secret.
(MORE)
110.
CRASH (CONT'D)
(beat)
You gotta play this game with fear
and arrogance.
NUKE
Fear and ignorance.
CRASH
(raging)
No. Fear and arrogance, you, hayseed,
not ignorance!
NUKE
(smiles calmly)
I know. I just like to see you get
all worked up.
Crash calms down. Sighs. Nuke nods and picks up his bags.
NUKE
(knows it's not true)
Well, I got Annie all warmed up for
ya...
(knows it is true)
She's just waiting for you to show
up, y'know...
CRASH
I don't need a crazy woman in my
life.
NUKE
Maybe you do.
(quick beat)
Y'know I'm starting to like this
game -- baseball's a helluva good
way to make a living.
CRASH
It's the best, Nuke... the absolute
fucking best.
NUKE
Yeah, thanks for everything.
CRASH
Nuke --
(Nuke stops)
Good luck.
111.
NUKE
You too... Meat.
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Well I guess this is it.
NUKE
(smiles)
I won't be needing these anymore.
ANNIE
Neither will I.
NUKE
I think I'm ready for the Show.
ANNIE
Ebby Calvin Nuke LaLoosh -- don't
think too much.
NUKE
Don't worry.
NUKE
I gotta go now, Dad.
FATHER
I was thinking I could fly up and
spend a week in the Big Leagues with
you -- help you get comfortable.
112.
NUKE
No. If I screw up, I wanta do it
alone. I'll call.
FATHER
We'll be praying for you.
NUKE
Dad -- if my curveball is hanging,
God ain't gonna help me.
FATHER
We'll pray anyway.
NUKE
(kindly)
If it makes you and mom feel better,
go for it. I gotta run --
DISSOLVE TO:
JIMMY LIFTS MILLIE'S VEIL and kisses her. The stands are
full of fans.
DISSOLVE TO:
CRASH WAITS AT THE PLATE -- Here comes the runner. Here comes
the throw. A close play. A terrible collision.
113.
CUT TO:
The air of victory. The mood is up and goofy. Beer cans are
squirted at Jimmy, the groom.
JIMMY
I wanta thank everybody and the Lord
for the victory, it's a wonderful
way to celebrate my marriage -- and
I guess we're all back on a winning
streak, he? A few raucous "Fuckin
A's" from the team.
TONY
Hey, Jimmy -- we chipped in and kind
got a little gift for ya of a special
wedding cake from the Durham Bulls.
CUT TO:
CLUBHOUSE BOY
Hey, Crash -- Skip wants to see ya.
CUT TO:
CRASH
Yeah, Skip, you wanted to see me?
SKIP
Crash, shut the door.
114.
And it hits him. Crash looks at Skip, who looks down at the
floor, unwilling to face Crash who then looks at Larry, who
also looks away nervously.
SKIP
(heartfelt)
This is the toughest job a manager
has...
SKIP
The organization wants to make a
change... now that Nuke's gone they
wanta bring up some young catcher...
LARRY
Some kid hittin' .300 in Lynchburg...
probably a bust.
SKIP
I put in a word for you with the
organization -- told 'em I thought
you'd make a fine minor league manager
someday... Might be an opening at
Salem next year --
SKIP
Helluva year, Crash -- you know how
it is.
Silence.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
115.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
CRASH
I got released.
ANNIE
I heard already.
CUT TO:
SHE KISSES HIM on the corner of his mouth. Her hand finds
the back of his head and she runs her fingers through his
hair.
ANNIE
Oh my...
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE'S BLOUSE FRONT -- Flick, flick, flick. Crash unbuttons
it with one hand in seconds. Even Annie is startled with the
speed and ease of Crash's hand.
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
117.
DISSOLVE TO:
THE KITCHEN -- ANNIE AND CRASH eat an after mid after sex
snack. Crash eats a bowl of Wheaties. They each wear one of
her robes.
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
...so you see in a former lifetime
I'm sure that I was Alexandria, the
Czarette of Russia? What do you think?
CRASH
How come in former lifetimes,
everybody was someone famous?
(beat)
How come nobody ever says they were
Joe Schmo?
ANNIE
It doesn't work like that.
(stares at him)
God, you're gorgeous. Want to dance?
THEY KISS AGAIN -- And fall gradually onto the table top.
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE
...mouth, tongue, lips, teeth, roof
of the mouth, jaws, and the jaw
hinges...
DISSOLVE TO:
CRASH
...wrist and wrist joints, hand,
palm, knuckles, thumb, fore-finger,
finger-joints, finger-nail...
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
CRASH TAKES THE SKIPPING RECORD off the player and breathes
a sigh of relief. He sees his pants lying on the floor and
pulls them on.
DISSOLVE TO:
ANNIE (V.O.)
Crash said he had to get an early
start to drive to Asheville in the
South Atlantic League where he heard
they might need a catcher to finish
out the season...
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
120.
ANNIE (V.O.)
The house smelled like sex for days.
It was wonderful. The only real
cleaning I did was on the kitchen
floor 'cause who likes to walk on
spilt cereal?
ANNIE (V.O.)
The funny thing is, I stopped worrying
about Nuke. Somehow I knew nothing
would stop him. Crash was right --
Nuke had a gift.
DISSOLVE TO:
NUKE
(like a big leaguer)
Y'know, I'm just happy to be here
and hope I can help the ballclub. I
just want to give it my best shot
and good Lord willing, things'll
work out... gotta play 'em one day
at a time, Y'know...
DISSOLVE TO:
CRASH
(at the plate)
C'mon, Meat, throw me that weak ass
shit -- c'mon, bring the heat, bring
it, bring it...
CUT TO:
ANNIE (V.O.)
I was reading in bed when Crash hit
his 247th home run. I knew the moment
it happened...
CUT TO:
CATCHER
Get your ass in gear...
CRASH SMILES and takes the home run trot slowly. As he heads
toward first, HE RAISES A CLINCHED FIST for a brief moment,
a tiny gesture of triumph. And then, routinely, he just
circles the bases.
CUT TO:
SHE LIGHTS A CANDLE for the home run. Above the candles,
displayed in the shrine, are her RED PANTIES.
ANNIE (V.O.)
I lit a candle for Crash's dinger...
and tried to root the Durham Bulls
home to a pennant.
CUT TO:
122.
ANNIE (V.O.)
The Kid from Lynchburg wasn't good
enough to hold Crash's jockstrap if
ya ask me, and Nuke's replacement
had a fastball that I coulda hit
(beat)
We had a three game lead with two
weeks to go when the rains came.
THE GROUND CREW DRAGS TARPS over the mound and the plate.
ANNIE (V.O.)
It rained and rained and I thought
of driving down to Asheville to see
Crash but then I thought "No, what
you pursue, eludes you". I had to
trust Quantum Physics and the Church
of Baseball.
(beat)
It ain't always easy being this
religious...
ANNIE AND JACKSON POP OPEN THEIR UMBRELLAS and walk out of
the ballpark towards home.
CUT TO:
CUT TO:
ANNIE
Oh my...
123.
ANNIE
What happened?
CRASH
I quit. Hit my dinger and hung 'em
up.
ANNIE
I'm quitting too. Boys, not baseball.
CRASH
There might be an opening for a
manager at Salem next spring.
ANNIE
Salem, Massachusetts? Where all the
witches were?
CRASH
Yeah... you a witch?
ANNIE
Not yet. It takes years of practice...
CRASH
You think I could make it to the
Show as a manager?
ANNIE
You'd be great, just great...
(rattling quickly)
'Cause you understand non-linear
thinking even though it seems like
baseball is a linear game 'cause of
the lines and the box scores an' all --
but the fact is that there's a
spacious-"non-time kind of time" to
it...
CRASH
(interrupting)
Annie --
ANNIE
What?
124.
CRASH
I got a lotta time to hear your
theories and I wanta hear every damn
one of 'em... but right now I'm tired
and I don't wanta think about baseball
and I don't wanta think about Quantum
Physics... I don't wanta think about
nothing...
(beat)
I just wanta be.
ANNIE
I can do that, too.
ANNIE
Walt Whitman once said -- "I see
great things in baseball. It's our
game -- the American game
(beat)
He said "it will repair our losses
and be a blessing to us"...
(beat)
You could look it up....
THE END