Treasures

Cigars, Zippo’s, Pocket Knives,

Exotic Oils, Incense & candles.
Our business is for sale!
 Contents DECEMBER 6, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 8
PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake
803.446.3458 - [email protected]
MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead
803.740.9090 - [email protected]
NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins
RETHINKING AIDS PAGE 4 803.261.6874 - [email protected]
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford
THIS MAY REALLY BLOW YOUR MIND 803.256.6670 - [email protected]

News.Politics.Commentary
IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe
[email protected]
D.C. CORRESPONDENT Chris McCarter
[email protected]
LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK 3 MOVIES Deric Kempsell
NEWS A SILENT VIGIL SPEAKS 7
DEAD BABIES AT USC 8 THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford
THE GOOD FIGHT THEY STOLE MY LIFE 6 803.256.6670 - [email protected]
BUM OF THE WEEK AIN’T NOTHIN’ LIKE FREEDOM 10 GENERAL SALES MANAGER A.J. Taylor
MR. MEANER’S CRIME WATCH CHRISTMAS IN THE GHETTO 11 803.665.5144 - [email protected]
STATE HOUSE REPORT STATE GOV’T ON THE ENVIRONMENT 14
TED RALL THE PULLOUT METHOD 15 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
HARRY S. IARCH LUNG CANDY 22 Ryan Walker, Laura Brown, John Starino

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
PAGE 7
NOW HIRING COMMISSION ONLY

CONTRIBUTORS
M. David Farrell, Arik Bjorn, Andy Brack, Will Moredock
David Martin, Ted Rall, Sarah Maddocks, Dan Savage,
SOUNDBOARD BOUNCING SOULS 16 Greg Hambrick, Wes Wolfe, Seagram’s 7
TIGHT ENDS SPURRIER IS HERE TO STAY. SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT 19
HOROSCOPES GOV. SANFORD, (STILL) A MAN OF VISION 20 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS 20 entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia
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PAGE 19 Columbia, SC 29201
Comics: Boondocks (pg 10) Rall (pg 15) Red Meat (pgs 11, 14, 18) Perry Bible (pg 10) 803.256.6670

2 DECEMBER 6, 2006
 Talk Back!
CITY PAPER LINKED TO INTERNATIONAL
that my ancestor died in the Confederate army defending
our homeland from the foreign invader.
JEWISH CONSPIRACY As previously explained, I don’t go about with
Confederate regalia attached to my motor vehicle or wear
Ed. Note- “racist t-shirts” as you put it, I am still very proud of my White
The following letter was received Nov. 26 in response to “The Confederate ancestry. I do not have an “in-your-face” atti-
Good Fight” column titled “Fair Content” written by Will tude about it but I take strong offense when I read words
Moredock. His column also appears every week in the such as "The White majority lashes out.... with their
Charleston City Paper. This letter has been edited for style Confederate flag, their racist t-shirts, their angry letters…”
and readability however we have retained capitalization on the I would simply like to ask you when Moredock refers to
word “white” as we feel the author would have wanted it. Whites as “their,” just who exactly is “us?” Obviously I am
Dear Columbia City Paper, one of which he has categorized as “their,” as I have
This is the first time I have ever seen or read your explained who and what I am. It seems obvious that the
paper. While making a purchase at Greene’s beverage store antecedent of “their”— in the present context— would be
on Main Street in downtown Columbia I was attracted to the “us,” would you not agree? What race is Moredock? He
cover with the accompanying text, “Iran - why we shouldn't couldn’t possibly be White because if he was, and was so
worry.” I was perhaps hoping someone had picked up on the consumed with so much anti-White racial self-hatred, the
growing public awareness of the Israeli Mossad and the obvious solution to his problem would be to take a flying leap
Department of Homeland Security’s (Jewish) Michael off one of the taller buildings in downtown Columbia.
Chertnoff’s involvement with the 9/11 hijackers and the Closer examination of the last paragraph in his column
attack on the World Trade Center— designed to generate reveals the words, “This violent, ill-tempered little state” and
public support for Israel and the war to destroy the Zionist “The White majority lashes out,” as well as “the White
state's archenemy—Saddam Hussein’s Iraq. People’s Party, a perfect index of this state’s sublimated
Instead what I found was an anti-White tirade by your White Supremacy.” I have gathered from such that what
columnist Will Moredock— using as a vehicle for such— the really pisses you off about living in South Carolina is that this
doings of the Jewess Deanna Bernstein. Before I proceed I state has a White majority. Subsequently I see a two-fold
should clarify that I am not an “in-your-face” White with an solution to your problem:
attitude problem. Although I am quite proud of who I am and •Pack your bags and move to any of the minority hellhole
where I come from, I generally have a reserved approach slums in any of the major cities in the States. No one is keep-
when it comes to dealing with matters of race. However, ing you here.
when challenged— such as you have done with Moredock’s •If you choose to stay, get used to the fact that South
column— I will rise to the occasion and meet the challenge. Carolina will be a majority White state well into the foresee-
In short I am quite happy that I was born White and would able future. You might even try getting to know a few of
not want to be a member of any other race except the White “their” a.k.a. White Southern people. We are all not the blue-
race. If that politically incorrect statement makes you feel eyed devils such as the Jews portray us.
uncomfortable, then great! That was the intention!
Perhaps I should explain a bit as to who I am. I am a -The Vindicator
White male, the descendant of Irish immigrants who landed The Vindicator did not leave his real name but we’re guessing he or
in Charleston in the 1840s and who, by the time of the Civil she might have derived the moniker “The Vindicator” from the
War in the 1860s, had married into the family of a wealthy Confederacy’s motto, “Deo Vindice,” which means “God will vindicate,”
Mississippi planter. The plantation survived the rigors of the i.e. The Big Guy approves of the stuff we’re doing. The actual Seal of
Yankee invasion of Mississippi, but in the 1890s a fire of the Confederacy, which has the motto on it, was delivered from London
mysterious origin had destroyed the original plantation to Richmond shortly before the evacuation of the city in 1865. About 30
house on the property. Although the house was rebuilt and years after a Union general found it there, a former Union general gave
the property stayed in the family right up into the 1970s, the it to the State of South Carolina as a gift.
fire destroyed all written records of the family including those
of my ancestor who fought in the Confederate army. City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our
Because I am unable to substantiate any of this information publication. Correspondence must include a daytime
by hard evidence I am unable to join an organization such as telephone number. Letters may be edited for length,
Sons of Confederate veterans or any other heritage group taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia
City Paper, 701 Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia,

Reader
with strict accountability regulations. However, I know by
word of mouth from my grandmother who died in the 1970s, S.C. 29201; by e-mail: [email protected].

Letters to the
Dear bad stand-up comic, floor. As a nation—one of the top
Men and women are different are they? White people can’t technological leaders in the world—we should either
dance? Have you seen this nicotine patch? I'm up to three a switch to environmentally sound, user-friendly feline
day...I need to start smoking to get off this thing. Ba-Doom. diapers or just let the little guys drop their deuces in
Did I say that out loud? But seriously folks, ever noticed how the neighbor’s yard.
you can never understand the guy at the drive thru? Hold on, Columbia City Paper
Wait! Here's my impression of William Shatner doing Elvis...
Ah, screw it. Just try the prime rib and tip your waitress. Dear Babytalk Relative,
Columbia City Paper “No, no tah-tah you go shoo shoo in your big boy
britches!” What the heck does that mean? It appears

On Display December 7 - January 11

Dear marketing wizard, to be some kind of weird code emitted in a high-
Miint, cherry, chocolate, banana, and mango are flavors not pitched dolphin squeaky voice. You’re freaking the
colors. And who in their right mind would package a cell poor kid out, lady. He can’t understand you either.
phone in a candy bar wrapper? Want to talk Bluetooth? I Just shut your pie hole, take him out back and hose
accidentally tore into the wrong wrapper and nearly lost a him off.
tooth when I took a bite out of my new phone. But man, at
least this can do usefull things like get the Onion Radio News
podcast while I’m in the waiting room at the dentist.
Columbia City Paper
Dear McRib,
Where have you been? It’s been so long. Where did you go?
Artists’ Reception Dec. 7
from 5p.m. to 9 p.m.
Columbia City Paper
You've made more comebacks than John Travolta. I keep
Dear cat litter box, feeling like every couple of years some stock boy finds 1970s
You are by far one of the most abominable inven- era crates of you in a forgotten deep freeze. I'm still not sure
tions ever conceived by humankind. A person could what kind of animal has a rib cage shaped like yours but I am
have their home featured in South Carolina Homes totally grateful it fits perfectly on a cheap-ass bun. Welcome
and Gardens, yet somehow it’s still socially accept- back, McRib. Welcome back. The Artists’ Basement 2013 Devine Street
able to have an open box of cat poop laying in the Columbia City Paper
DECEMBER 6, 2006 3
 RETHINKING
AIDS DOUBTERS ABANDON TRADITIONAL
HIV/AIDS THEORIES AND TREATMENT
BY GREG HAMBRICK Duesberg joined the argument, acknowledging that HIV existed
do nothing to bring the dead to life; but you can do much to save
the living from death."
Martin, a Hanahan, South Carolina housewife who does
some reporting for the community paper as a hobby, has been
but claiming it was harmless and that AIDS did not show signs fighting off injuries and illness for years, including a herniated disc
Everything known about AIDS suggests that Noreen Martin is common to contagious diseases. and pinched nerves, cancer, an ear infection, and various allergic
near death. The 53-year-old Lowcountry woman was diagnosed "It's so anti-scientific when you read these studies," Duesberg reactions to medicine she was taking to combat these problems.
with AIDS three years ago. Her viral load, the rate of HIV in her says of more than 20 years of AIDS research. "As a scientist, you "I've forgotten a lot, which is a good thing," she says. "It's part
blood, is at more than 100,000 — 200 to 500 is good and an unde- have to ask all the questions." of the healing process. The mind has a way of blocking out the
tectable number is even better. Her CD4 rate that gauges the Duesberg's theory would gather support over the years as negative things or bad memories."
number of “helper” cells in her system is at 136 — healthy people reports on his ideas continued to grow. But they were far outpaced In 2003, her health further deteriorated, as she began expe-
run between 600 and 1,200. Martin’s doctors have begged her to by studies that furthered the popular counterargument that HIV riencing fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, breathing troubles, weight loss,
take antivirals but she’s refused the drugs since March and the depletes T-cells, which work to fend off disease in the body, ush- and continued memory loss. Doctors pressed her to get a bone
numbers keep heading in the wrong direction. ering in AIDS typically within a decade of transmission. biopsy and blood tests to determine if she had cancer. The tests
The puzzler is that Martin looks great. She feels great. She Those only modestly familiar with HIV and AIDS can be came back indicating she was cancer-free, but further tests found
says it's no surprise. She claims it's because everything known excused for not hearing about rethinkers, but a quick search for she had HIV and AIDS.
about AIDS is wrong. She says HIV is a harmless retrovirus that information on HIV or AIDS on the Internet will show various cha- "After months and months of being sick, I was relieved,"
can't be sexually transmitted, that AIDS medicine can cause the trooms, blogs, and Internet sites dedicated to furthering Martin says. "I just wanted to know what was wrong."
very disease it is expected to fight, and that the government Duesberg's message. Martin was told to wait two months for an appointment with an
knows this and is ignoring the facts. Bauer has been collecting HIV and AIDS data compiled since infectious diseases doctor. Not wanting to wait around, she went
It should be said early that this is not the generally accepted the onset of the disease. to a health food store, where the owner told her about an alterna-
understanding of HIV and AIDS. The Centers for Disease Control "What that data shows is that the rate at which Americans test tive doctor who performs chelation therapy, a hours-long cleans-
and the National Institute of Health point to thousands of studies positive for HIV has been the same for 20 years," he says. ing of sorts for the blood that targets proteins and is supposed to
that show HIV is primarily a sexually transmitted disease that "Therefore it's not a spreading epidemic." help with blood flow. Chelation therapy has its own controversies,
depletes the body's immune system, opening it up to one or more The Centers for Disease Control's findings mirror Bauer's with the American Heart Association and the FDA stating there is
AIDS-defining opportunistic infections. claim, noting that the number of people diagnosed with HIV or no medical benefit to the practice and the CDC attributing the
At first glance, "AIDS rethinkers" like Martin seem to be buy- AIDS in 2004 was about the same as it was in 2001 in the 35 deaths of two children to a chelation drug called Endrate. But
ing into an elaborate conspiracy theory. Most rethinkers contend states that compile these figures. But a recent United Nations Martin says it was one of the few things that helped her in the
that the man who discovered HIV stole it from the French, many AIDS report notes that HIV infections continue to grow in Africa, early months after she was diagnosed.
gay men get AIDS because of poppers and other recreational but now at a slower pace than eastern Europe and central Asia, "It didn't cure me, but it certainly helped," Martin says. "On the
drug use, and most notably, there's no AIDS epidemic. where there were 270,000 infections in 2006 compared with chelation days I could at least get off the couch."
Their argument is based on one disputable fact: no scientific 170,000 in 2004. With the expectation that many HIV-positive But her overall health continued to decline and when she
study has been done that proves that HIV causes AIDS. This people don't know they're positive, UNAIDS estimates that 39.5 finally got to the infectious diseases doctors, they rushed to get
argument is contested, of course, by HIV and AIDS researchers. million people are living with HIV worldwide and 4.6 million people her on an antiviral medicine that Martin concedes likely saved her
There are thousands of articles that prove the connection were infected in 2006 alone. life.
between the virus and AIDS, says Cornell University professor The rethinkers movement received attention in "I had about three different viruses going on at the same time,
John Moore, even if there isn't a singular paper that draws the line 2000 when the government of South Africa so these things were a godsend," she says, though noting that
between the two. began a public debate on HIV, AIDS, and the success of the medicine was in tandem with healthy living
"It's like a moon rocket," he says. "You're not going to go to antiviral medicine and called in Duesberg and and natural supplements.
the Web and find one five-page paper on how to build a moon other rethinkers to help determine how the But her doctors weren't supportive of Martin's alternative sup-
rocket, but you know that it has been done." country would combat the disease. AIDS plements, which sent her looking elsewhere for answers and
The scientific evidence is overwhelming that HIV is the cause activists have since worked around the gov- eventually to the rethinkers movement.
of AIDS, says Jennifer Ruth, spokeswoman with the National ernment to get antiviral medicine and HIV "The more I read, the more things just weren't adding
Center for HIV, STD, and Tuberculosis Prevention. education to the people. up," she says.
"Infection with HIV has been the sole common factor shared Australia will soon have its own Where Martin had first thought that she had HIV, she
by AIDS cases throughout the world among men who have sex debate over the validity of HIV. That coun- now doubts that initial test and believes that she contract-
with men, transfusion recipients, persons with hemophilia, sex try's Supreme Court recently heard argu- ed AIDS through a natural immune deficiency.
partners of infected persons, children born to infected women, ments in a case where an HIV-positive "Everybody's immunity is different," she says. "I can't
and occupationally exposed health care workers," Ruth says. Australian man claimed that he could not give somebody my immunity any more than I could give
Henry Bauer, a retired chemistry and science professor and have infected a woman and endangered two them my toothache."
an ardent rethinker, says history has shown reversals in science other sex partners because HIV hasn't been Feeling better, Martin decided to go off the antiviral
when the orthodoxy was challenged by mounting questions. proven to exist. medicine in early 2005, but soon returned to it after pressure
"When the questions get to a critical mass, it's a revolution," The rethinkers movement took a blow from the doctors and her husband. Last March, she decided
he says. "But it's often a bloody revolution." last year when outspoken rethinker Christine that she would get off the medicine and not look back. She is
Maggiore, who had refused antiviral medicine now taking Low Dose Naltrexone, a drug that helps people
"RETHINKERS" for years, even while pregnant, and decided with immune deficiency diseases, that was prescribed by
against testing her two small children for HIV, lost another physician.
The underground scientific controversy over AIDS began in her three-year-old daughter to an AIDS-related Though he's not familiar with the rethinkers
the disease's earliest days. On June 5, 1981, the Centers for illness. Her son has since tested negative. movement, Robert Cantey, director of infectious
Disease Control reported the deaths of five gay men in Los AIDS rethinkers exchange news on these diseases with the Medical University of South
Angeles from a rare type of pneumonia and a month later they stories and various AIDS findings through a Carolina, says an AIDS patient ditching their
reported more than two dozen cases of gay men with Kaposi growing number of Web sites that offer sup- drugs isn't uncommon.
Sarcoma, another very rare disease. As the AIDS table grew to port for rethinkers, which heartens Martin. "That's a typical response when
include drug users and hemophiliacs, scientists scrambled to find "When I did it, I had to do it the hard someone has a good response to the
answers. way," she says. medicine," he says, but notes it was
Rethinkers say American Robert Gallo claimed in 1984 to more common years ago when the side
have found HIV, but his findings were based on a French group's NOREEN'S STORY effects were more severe.
1983 study of the virus. Gallo's perceived deception is a sticking Martin says she's been in great
point for rethinkers because they say it is only the first in a string Among a varied collection of antique
of lies regarding the disease. books in Noreen Martin's library is an old, health since going off her antivirals, but
In 1986, the Australian-based Perth Group claimed there was thick book from the Library of Health that the blood tests paint a different picture
no proof that HIV existed. A year later, American scientist Peter she considers one of her favorites because as her CD4s, the helper cells that ward
of the inscription on the book cover: "You can off diseases, continue to fall and her viral

4 DECEMBER 6, 2006
load climbs from less than 100 to more than 100,000. Cantey says the num- notes that the two tests together have a 99 percent accuracy rate, and ples where one was HIV-positive and one was HIV-negative and found that
bers are now in the range where Martin is susceptible to brain, lung, or blood- Cantey says he'd put the accuracy rate at 99.9 percent. transmission of the disease was far less than one percent (as low as 1 in
stream infections that are common among AIDS victims. He says Martin's Not only is the HIV test quackery, rethinkers argue, but so are the drugs 1,000) among heterosexual couples.
late diagnosis likely contributed to her quick drop in CD4s. HIV and AIDS patients are given to battle the disease. It's Padian herself who refuted these arguments earlier this year on
"The worse those numbers are when you go on the medicine, the faster Much like the test, medicines to combat the viral load have evolved as www.aidstruth.org. She notes that her study regarded couples that were
they'll drop when you go off the medicine," he says. older drugs, which time has shown to be less effective, are replaced with counseled to use protection, not avoid it.
Meanwhile, Martin's advice for others is to stay healthy and don't get newer drug regimens. Some rethinkers say that drugs like AZT cause AIDS "Individuals who cite the 1997 publication ... in an attempt to substanti-
tested for HIV. and others say that the toxic side effects of the drugs have led to death. ate the myth that HIV is not transmitted sexually are ill-informed, at best," she
"People's lives are being ruined by this very faulty test," she says. "You "It's an example of the old saying that the operation was a success, but stated. "Their misuse of these results is misleading, irresponsible, and poten-
get the results and it's downhill from that point on. Doctors need to treat the patient died," Bauer says. tially injurious to the public."
symptoms, but they don't do that. All they care about is if you're positive. If Today HIV and AIDS patients are typically given a cocktail of medicines. Padian notes that HIV transmission between couples can be as high as
you're positive, you're screwed." "Use of potent anti-HIV combination therapies has contributed to dramatic 20 percent, depending on risk factors including other sexually transmitted dis-
reductions in the incidence of AIDS and AIDS-related deaths in populations eases. Cornell professor Moore says that Padian is not alone and that certain
"DENIALISTS" where these drugs are widely available," the NIH's website states. "An effect lines from scores of studies have been selectively cited to further the
Rethinkers have been combated quietly over the last 20 years, but more which clearly would not be seen if antiviral drugs caused AIDS." rethinkers movement.
high profile attention on the movement in the past few years has prompted Africa's high-profile struggle with AIDS has also received the ire of the "Then these things become urban legends," Moore says.
scientists that support the link between HIV and AIDS to openly refute the rethinkers. People with AIDS in Africa are dying from the same diseases that Rethinkers also claim that the standard HIV test is woefully unreliable,
rethinkers' claims. Facing the public doubts of the South African government have always plagued them: wasting, malnutrition, and tuberculosis. claiming that as many as 70 factors can cause a false-positive.
in 2000, 5,000 scientists, doctors, and researchers, including several Nobel Rethinkers claim this is because AIDS is not an epidemic in Africa and that "HIV has never been isolated in its pure form," Bauer says, "which
Prize winners, signed the Durbin declaration that reaffirms that HIV causes the perceived plight is just a way to pull money to the region and bolster the means that these tests have never been validated."
AIDS. global fight against AIDS. This claim by rethinkers is based in fact. The majority of HIV tests aren't
Earlier this year, after what they saw as a one-sided story on rethinkers "I've seen commercials of kids starving in Africa," Martin says. "That's designed to identify HIV. They actually find HIV antibodies, or proteins the
in Harpers magazine by a writer immersed in the rethinkers movement, nothing new. Now they have something new they can blame it on." body creates to defend itself against HIV.
Moore and other HIV scientists and doctors began the Web site www.aid- But just as AIDS-defining illnesses in America began appearing at much Moore says that technology has improved by leaps and bounds since the
struth.org to refute the claims in the article. They have since updated the site higher rates than seen before, these diseases in Africa are showing unusual virus was first identified and that the rethinkers often base their logic on out-
to combat other claims by the rethinkers, whom they refer to as "denialists." trends when it comes to AIDS patients, attacking them at much younger ages dated data. To combat inaccuracies, HIV tests have been confirmed through
"These people are basically being persuaded to kill themselves," and including those middle-class groups who aren't malnourished. A 1995 a second, different test for several years. The Centers for Disease Control
Moore says. study found that HIV-positive people in Cote d'Ivoire were 17 times more like- notes that the two tests together have a 99 percent accuracy rate, and
The argument begins with what causes AIDS. Rethinkers attribute the ly to die from tuberculosis than those not infected with HIV. Cantey says he'd put the accuracy rate at 99.9 percent.
disease, in large part, to drug use. Duesberg notes drugs have long been Rethinkers also note that the disease is affecting different races and Not only is the HIV test quackery, rethinkers argue, but so are the drugs
known to deplete the immune system and an early study of AIDS cases regions differently, something uncommon with communicable diseases. The HIV and AIDS patients are given to battle the disease.
among gay men found a large number of them used recreational drugs, pri- NIH and others note various reasons for the difference, including in what Much like the test, medicines to combat the viral load have evolved as
marily poppers, an inhaled drug used as a sexual stimulant. groups the disease was first recognized and sex practices. older drugs, which time has shown to be less effective, are replaced with
"It's a matter of dose and time and genetic constitution," Duesberg says, These and other attempts to refute the claims of the rethinkers have newer drug regimens. Some rethinkers say that drugs like AZT cause AIDS
noting that drugs affect different people in different ways the same way that done nothing to quell their continued belief that everything the world has been and others say that the toxic side effects of the drugs have led to death.
smoking does. told about HIV is wrong. Noreen Martin is active daily on a number of "It's an example of the old saying that the operation was a success, but
But a 1993 study that followed 715 gay men for more than eight years rethinker Web forums and she has started her own Web site to further the the patient died," Bauer says.
found that 350 men who never acquired HIV noted "appreciable" drug use. cause and chart her own progress. Today HIV and AIDS patients are typically given a cocktail of medicines.
Another 2005 study found a strong link between poppers and unprotected "Let people make up their own mind," Martin says. "I made up my mind "Use of potent anti-HIV combination therapies has contributed to dramatic
sex among San Francisco gay men, suggesting that even though the drug and I'm not turning back." reductions in the incidence of AIDS and AIDS-related deaths in populations
may not cause HIV/AIDS, it could place users at increased risk of contracting Rethinkers have been combated quietly over the last 20 years, but more where these drugs are widely available," the NIH's website states. "An effect
HIV through unsafe sexual intercourse. high profile attention on the movement in the past few years has prompted which clearly would not be seen if antiviral drugs caused AIDS."
If drug use causes AIDS, rethinkers then note that the concerns of sex- scientists that support the link between HIV and AIDS to openly refute the Africa's high-profile struggle with AIDS has also received the ire of the
ual transmission are moot because it cannot be spread this way. Martin says rethinkers' claims. Facing the public doubts of the South African government rethinkers. People with AIDS in Africa are dying from the same diseases that
that she does not use protection during sex with her husband. She points to in 2000, 5,000 scientists, doctors, and researchers, including several Nobel have always plagued them: wasting, malnutrition, and tuberculosis.
a study by California scientist Nancy Padian that studied heterosexual cou- Prize winners, signed the Durbin declaration that reaffirms that HIV causes Rethinkers claim this is because AIDS is not an epidemic in Africa and that
ples where one was HIV-positive and one was HIV-negative and found that AIDS. the perceived plight is just a way to pull money to the region and bolster the
transmission of the disease was far less than one percent (as low as 1 in Earlier this year, after what they saw as a one-sided story on rethinkers global fight against AIDS.
1,000) among heterosexual couples. in Harpers magazine by a writer immersed in the rethinkers movement, "I've seen commercials of kids starving in Africa," Martin says. "That's
It's Padian herself who refuted these arguments earlier this year on Moore and other HIV scientists and doctors began the website www.aid- nothing new. Now they have something new they can blame it on."
www.aidstruth.org. She notes that her study regarded couples that were struth.org to refute the claims in the article. They have since updated the But just as AIDS-defining illnesses in America began appearing at much
counseled to use protection, not avoid it. website to combat other claims by the rethinkers, whom they refer to as higher rates than seen before, these diseases in Africa are showing unusual
"Individuals who cite the 1997 publication ... in an attempt to substanti- "denialists." trends when it comes to AIDS patients, attacking them at much younger ages
ate the myth that HIV is not transmitted sexually are ill-informed, at best," she "These people are basically being persuaded to kill themselves," Moore and including those middle-class groups who aren't malnourished. A 1995
stated. "Their misuse of these results is misleading, irresponsible, and poten- says. study found that HIV-positive people in Cote d'Ivoire were 17 times more like-
tially injurious to the public." The argument begins with what causes AIDS. Rethinkers attribute the ly to die from tuberculosis than those not infected with HIV.
Padian notes that HIV transmission between couples can be as high as disease, in large part, to drug use. Duesberg notes drugs have long been Rethinkers also note that the disease is affecting different races and
20 percent, depending on risk factors including other sexually transmitted dis- known to deplete the immune system and an early study of AIDS cases regions differently, something uncommon with communicable diseases. The
eases. Cornell professor Moore says that Padian is not alone and that certain among gay men found a large number of them used recreational drugs, pri- NIH and others note various reasons for the difference, including in what
lines from scores of studies have been selectively cited to further the marily poppers, an inhaled drug used as a sexual stimulant. groups the disease was first recognized and sex practices.
rethinkers movement. "It's a matter of dose and time and genetic constitution," Duesberg says, These and other attempts to refute the claims of the rethinkers have
"Then these things become urban legends," Moore says. noting that drugs effect different people in different ways the same way that done nothing to quell their continued belief that everything the world has been
Rethinkers also claim that the standard HIV test is woefully unreliable, smoking does. told about HIV is wrong. Noreen Martin is active daily on a number of
claiming that as many as 70 factors can cause a false-positive. But a 1993 study that followed 715 gay men for more than eight years rethinker Web forums and she has started her own Web site to further the
"HIV has never been isolated in its pure form," Bauer says, "which found that 350 men who never acquired HIV noted "appreciable" drug use. cause and chart her own progress.
means that these tests have never been validated." Another 2005 study found a strong link between poppers and unprotected "Let people make up their own mind," Martin says. "I made up my mind
This claim by rethinkers is based in fact. The majority of HIV tests aren't sex among San Francisco gay men, suggesting that even though the drug and I'm not turning back."
designed to identify HIV. They actually find HIV antibodies, or proteins the may not cause HIV/AIDS, it could place users at increased risk of contracting
body creates to defend itself against HIV. HIV through unsafe sexual intercourse. [email protected]
Moore says that technology has improved by leaps and bounds since the If drug use causes AIDS, rethinkers then note that the concerns of sex-
virus was first identified and that the rethinkers often base their logic on out- ual transmission are moot because it cannot be spread this way. Martin says
dated data. To combat inaccuracies, HIV tests have been confirmed through that she does not use protection during sex with her husband. She points to
a second, different test for several years. The Centers for Disease Control a study by California scientist Nancy Padian that studied heterosexual cou-

AIDS BY THE NUMBERS

WORLDWIDE STATEWIDE
-39.5 million people in the world are living with HIV and 4.3 million were -There were 13,508 people living with HIV/AIDS in South Carolina by the
newly infected in 2006. end of 2005.
-Eastern Europe and Central Asia are outpacing Africa in the number of -560 people tested positive for HIV/AIDS statewide in 2005, com-
new AIDS cases, with 270,000 in 2006, compared with 170,000 in 2004. pared with 832 in 1995.
NATIONWIDE LOCAL
-1.2 million people in the U.S. had HIV in 2005. - There were 176 reported cases of people liiving with HIV/AIDS
-Men still account for about 73 percent of the HIV diagnoses in the U.S., in Richland County and 36 in Lexington County by the end of
with almost two-thirds of those infections attributable to unsafe sex 2005
between men.

Source: UNAIDS, SCDHEC

DECEMBER 6, 2006 5
 theGood Fight
BORAT & ME
the plots, the characters, most of the one-
I WAS ROBBED, I TELL YOU…ROBBED, liners. All he did was set them in New York.
ROBBED, ROBBED! Woody’s hailed as a genius and wins a raft
of Academy Awards. I don’t get so much as
I’ve always had a love of movies and a “Thank You” card.
a weakness for the people who make Flash forward to 1988. I’m on a large
them. I guess that’s what keeps getting group tour of the Soviet Union, visiting
me in trouble. Take my old friend Woody Moscow, St. Petersburg and Tblisi,
Allen. Georgia.
Back in the early ‘70s, Woody hit a In its final days, the Soviet Union was
dry spell. After those great early films – an interesting g place – perhaps too inter-
Sleeper; What’s New, Pussycat; esting. There was fighting going on
Bananas – he just wasn’t coming up between the Soviet republics of Armenia
with the fresh material any more. I and Azerbaijan, so our tour was rerouted
mean, who remembers Take the Money BY WILL MOREDOCK from Armenia to Kazakhstan.
and Run? Founder of Columbia’s That’s where I met him – the gangly
I was living in Athens, Georgia, former Point newsweekly kid who spoke broken English and
when Woody called one day from New seemed to latch onto me immediately. I
York. Said he was losing his mind. Said he was so guess he was 16 at the time – loud, brash, inquisitive.
depressed even his shrink didn’t want to be around He was fascinated that I was a journalist and declared
him. that he was going to be a journalist, too.
So I invited him to Athens for a little R&R. He His name was Borat and he pestered me with a
agreed and flew down that weekend. I picked him up million questions.
at the airport and drove him straight to my favorite bar. “How is it to live in the great and glorious country
He wore a fake mustache and a fedora to mask his of America?” he asked.
identity. I said, “Don’t worry, Woody, where we’re “America is a great and glorious country,” I told
going, nobody will recognize you.” him. “But it’s full of rednecks and frats and crazy
We spent the next few days drinking and talking Christians, which make it not so great sometimes.”
about books, about life, about women. Yea, mostly “Whats is this rednecks?” he asked. “I don’t see
about women. I told him about my latest crash-and- this rednecks when I see the movie Star Wars.”
burn – and two or three before that one. And then he “They have a way of hiding where ever they are,”
told me something amazing. He said he wasn’t having I told him.
any more luck than I was. He even dropped a few “Is much mysterious how this rednecks hide in
names. I was shocked. I mean, here was a famous plain daylight,” he said.
movie star and director who wasn’t getting any more “Yes, they mostly hide behind each other,” I said.
hits than I was. Women, we agreed, are the most con- I returned to America and spent the next 18 years
founding mystery in the universe. But we were philoso- trying to avoid the rednecks and Christian nuts. I would
phers at heart and took the challenge seriously. quietly move to another table or to another bar stool
As I recall, I did most of the talking. Woody sort of when one of them sidled up and tried to save my soul
sat back and kept writing in this little notebook that he or tell me what a misunderstood guy Hitler was.
always carried. I didn’t ask what he was writing. I Then the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of
assumed it was something he wanted to discuss with America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of
his shrink. He was always talking about how his shrink Kazakhstan hit town. I suspected the truth before I saw
hated him. it, but the moment I glimpsed Borat Sagdiyev’s face, I
After four days Woody announced suddenly that it knew this was the kid from my past.
was time to leave. He packed his bags; I carried him So Borat hit the big time and – like Woody Allen –
back to the airport. And he was gone. He never called took me for a ride. All these years I had been avoiding
or returned my calls, so I figured, “Well, Mr. Big Shot the fools and frauds and crackpots who infest this
Movie Director, too busy to keep in touch with his country, when I should have been videotaping them.
friends.” If I had been as smart as Borat, I would be rich
Then, in 1977, Woody comes out with Annie Hall, and famous today. I might even be married to Pamela
followed by Manhattan and Hannah and Her Sisters. Anderson.
I’m stunned. This was my material – my life! I gave him

6 DECEMBER 6, 2006
A Silent Vigil Speaks WELCOME TO THE OCCUPATION

Left: Elaine Cooper, Jules Lee, Gerald Rudolph and Peter

Sederberg stand outside the State House Wednesday Nov. 29 as
part of the Women in Black demonstration.
Above: Sara Williams holds a candle during the same evening
and has been participating with the Women in Black organization
for about four years in Columbia. Williams is a long-time activist
and took part in many of the civil rights protests in Birmingham, Al
when she was 18 years old.

PHOTOGRAPHS BY SEAN RAYFORD

BY TODD MOREHEAD Washington, D.C. during the Vietnam War era. we’re here representing Middle America.” with his one year old baby. It was just heart wrench-
In the fading light of a Wednesday evening, the “After the [Vietnam] war ended,” she recalled, One would indeed be hard pressed to describe ing. I decided that I was going to come stand with the
Women in Black face traffic on Gervais Street and “Eisenhower acknowledged that for him the sight of the college professors, middle-aged parents and edu- Women In Black. I knew they were down here.”
hold silent vigil under the red glow of the State House people standing silently in the rain and the snow, day cated professionals in the protest line as a ragtag Doubtless, while the war continues, so will the vig-
Christmas tree. They’ve done this every week for the after day, had a great impact on him. Sometimes group of wild-eyed fringe types. ils in front of the State House.
past four years. Many of them hold signs bearing words can’t express the pain and agony associated “This is the first protest sign I’ve ever made in my Sara Williams encourages anyone who is inter-
messages like “Bring Them Home Now,” “Peace is with war. Some of the other protests of that era had a life,” said Ruth Riley, a soft-spoken professional in a ested to come stand alongside them.
Patriotic,” and “War is Not the Answer.” Some hold lit lot of fire but no light.” black pants suit. “I enjoyed making it a lot.” “Anyone is welcome to just walk up and join us,”
candles. The traffic light turns from red to green and a It is important, according to Williams, that people Tonight is Riley’s first vigil. After reading about a she said, “to stand in solidarity in a state that is often
young man whistles at the group from his pickup truck in the local community see that there is visible oppo- soldier from the area who was recently killed in Iraq, inhospitable to an alternative opinion.”
as he accelerates. Other passing vehicles begin to sition at home to America’s aggressive foreign policy. she felt inspired to show her opposition to the war. The Columbia Women in Black vigils take place
“The “The soldier’s mother described hugging him every Wednesday evening from 5 to 6 p.m. in front of
honk wildly as they
speed by. “M OST OF THE CIVILIANS MURDERED press doesn’t really
cover the war,” she
before he was redeployed and she said she felt the
need to hug him a little bit longer, because she didn’t
the State House on Gervais Street. For more details
check the Carolina Peace Resource Center online at
The Women in
Black, an interna- IN WARS ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN said. “They don’t . show the dead bod-
think he was going to come back,” Riley explained.
“He was supposed to come back at Christmas to be
www.carolinapeace.org.
tional peace net-
work, holds these
vigils in 41 states
T HEY ARE THE MOST VULNERABLE ies and destruction. .” Most of the civilians
and in dozens of -Sara Williams murdered in wars
countries across are women and chil-
the globe. The group’s official literature stresses that dren. They are the most vulnerable. We want to fly the
they are not part of a larger organization, though; it is flag but not consider the truth of war. There are no
simply a shared technique, a “means of mobilization words to fully express the reality of it. So we stand in
and a formula for action.” And while the group has no black and we stand in silence.”
official constitution, the various anti-war/violence In the early days of their vigil at the State House,
protests fall under the umbrella of a shared belief that Williams said that public response was more hostile
“male violence against women in domestic life and in than it is today.
the community, in times of peace and in times of war, “We’ve gotten lots of one-fingered salutes,” she
are interrelated.” The philosophy includes domestic chuckled. “Threats and screaming and yelling. At first
violence inherent in homophobia, misogyny, and it was a really caustic response. I think a lot of people
racism. assumed that because we were protesting we were
Since its inception in Israel in 1988 to protest the somehow less patriotic. There are a lot of military fam-
Israeli/Palestinian conflict, women all over the world ilies in South Carolina and maybe they thought we
have donned black and stood in silent protest of weren’t supporting them. Now the tide has turned.”
issues ranging from the brutal Serbian regime in the “We just want them to bring the troops home alive
former Yugoslavia to both American wars in Iraq. In and not in body bags,” said one protester who asked
2001, the movement, represented by the Israeli and to remain unidentified. “I’m standing here because of
Serbian groups, was nominated for a Nobel Peace my best friend, who is deployed in Kuwait. He has
Prize. asked me to be here. He says that his troops have
The South Carolina chapter, an arm of the Carolina higher morale because of the protest lines at home.”
Peace Resource Center (CPRC), is protesting the
war in Iraq. It is one of the longest running vigils in the The Columbia vigil is particularly inspiring
country. because there have been a number of men who come
Sara Williams, a longtime member of the move- out to stand alongside the Women in Black to show
ment, smiled warmly when I approached the group. support.
“This type of silent vigil fits into the South Carolina “It’s an opportunity to express silent opposition to
psyche,” she said. “South Carolina genteel society the war in Iraq especially, but also to war in general,”
doesn’t respond to loud and boisterous protest.” said Gerald Rudolph, a member of the CPRC, who Ruth Russell, an Army wife, stands outside the State House on Gervais Street Wednesday Nov. 29 next to the Women
Williams was inspired by the effectiveness of the regularly attends vigils at the State House. “Also, I in Black vigil. Her husband served in both conflicts in Iraq. "They are quick to defend their sidewalk but not their coun-
more peaceful protests that she attended in think this legitimizes opposition to the war, because try," she said about a previous incident with demonstrators from Women in Black.

DECEMBER 6, 2006 7
 Incarnations of dead children
Columbia Christians For Life rally against abortion on the USC campus

BY COREY HUTCHINS PHOTO BY M. DAVID FARRELL

As the mid-day sun filters through the trees behind the USC Columbia Christians For Life also denounce Wal-Mart because of the
Russell House on Nov. 27 it creates a halo effect over the images of superstore’s recent decision to form a partnership with the National
several dissected human children. Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and for dispensing the “Plan
The message is clear: abortion equals murder. And for the dozen B” pill.
or so members of Columbia Christians For Life— even after officials Interestingly enough, George Mason in 1789 refused to sign the
ask them to relocate to a designated free speech area— there will be first version of the U.S. Constitution (along with Patrick Henry whose
no compromise. name also appears on the group’s voicemail) until it was modified to
Standing in the middle of the rally, a waify, vacant-eyed boy accompany Mason’s explicitly stated individual rights— which ended
clutches an eight-foot homemade sign displaying a list of, among other up being called the Bill of Rights— as the first 10 amendments to the
things, prudish and homophobic epithets. The boy, about 10 years old, Constitution.
remains stone-faced as a group of students heckle the street preach- George Mason’s 10 amendments probably aren’t of as much
ers behind him. This is the sixth stop on their annual South Carolina concern to the Columbia Christians For Life as the Ten
“Show the Truth” tour. It is year five. Commandments are, however, which appear on many of the signs
Behind the men with their bibles and banners, giant upright they carry that reach to heights upwards of 12 feet.
poster boards line a brick wall showing blown up still shots of alleged On the Web, one blood-dripping news release from the group
abortions performed years ago. Here a pair of surgical tongs grips the shares Web space with www.ArmyOfGod.com, an incredibly graphic
decapitated head of a child as it’s lowered into a jar. There the body Web site featuring a dead baby photo archive (“Click here: to View
parts of a dismembered newborn are assembled for a photograph as More Babies Murdered by Babykilling Abortionists”) and a memorial to
if a museum curator had run out of dinosaur bones. a man convicted and sentenced to death for murdering a doctor who
But don’t bring the dinosaurs into this debate— or the idea of preformed abortions. His photo accompanies the phrase “Paul Hill-
evolution at all. Here “Jesus is the standard.” It’s what it says on their American hero.”
t-shirts. Physically, the Columbia Christians For Life present on the S.C.
Stomping his foot with both fists balled at his sides, one young “Show the truth” tour look anemic. The young children in the group
male student yells, “You have no right to be saying this,” at two men seem more shackled to the enormous signs they carry than enthusi-
holding a large sign reading “Sodomy is sin.” astic and their eyes shift not from the flash of media cameras but only
What he must not realize is that the members of Columbia to follow the movements of a small dog in the audience. They neither
Christians For Life do have the right. And as disturbing as some of the speak nor seem to pay much attention at all. The adults however, are
signs and incantations of the extremist pro-life group’s interpretation of more than eager to talk with members of the crowd and one student
the Bible may be to some (when one student asks where in the Bible spends over 20 minutes arguing with a group member about the way
it actually says “Allah is not God” one of the men turns to fumbling they share their message.
interpretive rhetoric) they are absolutely entitled to it and— on a stage Columbia Christians For Life members acknowledge that their
lined with the ruins of human life— their freedom to do so remains a form of graphic in-your-face public witness can make certain people
beautiful thing. uncomfortable and they even have a statement about it in their “Show
While some students walking past stopped to talk, argue or the Truth” tour code of conduct: “We will strive to be at peace with all
show signs of frustration and disgust, many of the students milling men when it is possible,” they say, and, “Those who have been
around seemed indifferent; observing the event with the bored cynical involved in street ministry are well aware that the Biblical message of
skepticism of the between-class possibility of physical violence. But as repentance and salvation often provokes a strong response from the
freelance photographer covering the event, David Farrell, put it that man who is content in his sin.”
day, “It hasn’t gotten too crazy yet.” The group also claims to have in the past been unlawfully pre-
In September 2005, Columbia Christians For Life Director Steve vented from completing their witness by members of law enforcement.
Lefemine was quoted in the Washington Post saying, “In my belief, Because of this they have employed the help of Christian attorneys
God judged New Orleans for the sin of shedding innocent blood and law firms to protect their “God-given, constitutionally-protected
through abortion,” after he noticed what he considered to be the image rights of free speech, [to] peaceable assembly, and [express their]
of an 8-week-old fetus in the satellite pictures of Hurricane Katrina. freedom of religion.”
When you call the phone number connected to their news No incidents occurred at the USC rally while City Paper was
releases and contact information, the group’s official voicemail uses a there but the group did say they had problems in Florence in the past
quote from founding father George Mason as justification for blaming and were heading back there just as soon as they finished up in
the Sept. 11, 2001 World Trade Center attack on America’s “national Columbia.
sin” of abortion.
And while abortion is by far the top priority for the group, [email protected]

8 DECEMBER6, 2006
& video, too

DECEMBER 6, 2006 9
 Bum of the week
NAME: JEREMIAH
QUOTE: “I’M A STRAIGHT UP
NIGGA.”
DRUG OF CHOICE: FREEDOM
LOCATION: SALUDA AVE.,
FIVE POINTS

“I didn’t pursue it like I should have,” he says of

the accident and trying to get any compensation
from the city for it. In fact, he says, he actually owes
money because of it.
Why?
“You tell me that,” he says. “Because I’m poor?
Black? They think I’m stupid?”
Jeremiah’s name appears on several incident
reports at the Columbia police department and he
has appeared in this publication’s own Crime Report
in both the distant and recent past. Some Columbia
residents even joke that if Jeremiah calls you by
name then you know you’ve been here far too long.
BY COREY HUTCHINS During his years on the streets of Five Points,
though, the man who sleeps on the street corners or
“AIN’T NOTHING LIKE FREEDOM” under bridges says most of the crimes he’s been
charged with were for carrying an open container or
“I go to jail like every damn week.” That’s what loitering.
the middle-aged homeless man limping down “Everybody gets an open container [charge] in
Saluda Ave. told City Paper shortly before midnight Five Points,” he said, also saying he would much
Dec. 1. In fact, he said, he had just gotten out jail rather be out on the street than stuck in a jail cell
the very morning of this interview after police arrest- even though he’d have food and shelter.
ed him for pushing a shopping cart down Greene “Ain’t nothing like freedom,” he said as he
Street. The charge: possession of stolen property. paused in front of the Gourmet Shoppe and smelled
The shopping cart had belonged to Food Lion. the open air around him. “S--t, [I’d rather] go sleep
For Jeremiah, being tossed in the back of a
police cruiser and booked into to the Alvin S. Glenn
Detention Center is just one more part of being
on any damn corner [or] sleep up under the bridge—
wherever— then be in jail. But they [the police] don’t
give me no choice. I ain’t doin’ nothing wrong. I ain’t
The Boondocks AARON MCGRUDER

homeless in Columbia— and, for him, a weekly going around here stealing and robbing and playing
occurrence. games with people, goddamn. I’m just a real nigga,
“I’d rather be out of jail,” he said, “but what the OK? Excuse the damn expression; I’m a straight up
hell? I’m homeless so who gives a f--k?” nigga, I don’t play games.
About five years ago Jeremiah was riding a city “I ain’t about robbin’, stealin’, breakin’ into cars
bus when the bus was hit by another automobile. He or none of that bulls--t, OK? I’ll ask you if you got
and four other people, he said, were “messed up” something you can spare and if you have something
pretty bad and he’s had a limp that causes him to you can spare I appreciate it. If you don’t, I appreci-
drag his left leg ever since. Behind him he pulls a ate it. You don’t owe me nothing, s--t. Don’t owe me
black suitcase on wheels with an old wooden tennis a damn thing.”
racket poking out of it that he found in the trash.
[email protected]

Perry Bible Fellowship BY NICK GUREWITCH

10 DECEMBER 6, 2006
 Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME REPORT
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE
ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.

29205 29203 assorted jewelry and diamonds worth $10,000. All learns. When they showed up for the final time they
The Kevin Bacon movie crew is out of town but two An employee of Family Dollar said a 57-year-old man doors to the house were locked when the residents arrested the 52-year-old stew bum for trespassing
officers were still called to Five Points in response to a came into the store and stole four packs of thermal left; 00 block Heathwood Circle. and boozing in the street. They would have taken him
56-year-old California man getting rowdy with a cab underwear. When police found the jocky pants jacker to jail had not one of the officers noted his "dilapidated
driver. The 6' 2", 175 lb man from San Diego was also he pulled out a pocketknife and handed it over to the 29205 state of health," which earned him a ride to the hospi-
screaming and cursing while obstructing traffic. For all cops. They arrested him and took him to jail; 3400 Who needs Circuit City or Tweeter when you can just tal instead; 2000 block Harden Street.
that he got to spend his holiday at Alvin S. Glenn block Main Street. rip off he plastic window of the nearest Jeep and yank
Detention Center; 700 Harden Street. out the Panasonic CD player and radio from the dash 29203
29204 like one holiday hooligan did this week costing the In a very urban way of celebrating the Christmas sea-
29203 Two men knocked on the door of a room at the owner $310 to replace. And at during the holidays, son, a man beat down his baby's moma's front door
Cops pulled over a Columbia cokehead for speeding Bestway Inn and when the occupant answered, one too; 900 block Harden Street. and then threatened to kill her. Someone tell Disney to
and noticed a bag of his sugar boogers in plain sight of the thugs shoved a chrome handgun in his face make a tripped-out ainimated movie about that one
on the floorboard. The 24-year-old coked-up motorist and demanded money. The robbers got away with 29205 staring the voice of Ike Turker; 900 block Colleton
was charged with possession of skeet (less than a $900; 2300 block Two Notch Road An officer on patrol witnessed two men fighting in the Street.
gram), driving too fast for conditions (otherwise known street. One of the men picked the other one up and
as tweaking out) and driving with suspended tags 29205 body slammed him on the ground. When the officer 29203
(and a deviated septum); 3300 block Colonial Drive. A man beat the crap out of his baby's mama at the got involved, one of the men turned on the cop and A solution for baldness: leave the asshole. A woman
Kangaroo Gas station in Columbia this week proving that cost him an "interfering with police" charge to add told police that her boyfriend punched her in the face
29203 you can take the sketchball out of the trailer park (to to his ticket for fighting; 2000 block Greene Street. and then ripped a "large amount of hair from her
When a woman returned home her security alarm get cigarettes and lotto tickets no doubt) but you can’t scalp," – ouch; 700 block Colleton Street.
was blaring. After a brief look around the house she take the trailer park out of the sketchball; 3800 block 29201
noticed two pairs of tennis shoes were missing, that’s Rosewood Drive. A drunken 18-year-old was arrested after neighbors 29203
it; 1800 block Vann Street. spotted him on the roof of a house near the USC cam- After kicking in the door of a Columbia residence,
29205 pus. Police later found him in the living room wasted thieves stole a Kenmore stove, a washer and dryer, a
29201 Cops on patrol stopped a 47-year-old black man for off his ass and they took him to jail; 800 block Barnwell deep freezer, a high-definition TV, dining table set, two
A City of Columbia employee was checking city prop- "carrying a lamp" while riding his bike. During their Street. sofas, four bikes and another 19-inch TV. Merry
erty when he found a 43-year-old homeless man "interview," the two cops found a kitchen knife and Christmas; 600 block West Campanella Drive.
camping out inside the building. When the cops came weed. Welcome to America, where the land's last 29201
they said he reeked of booze so they arrested him for actual dictatorship rides on the shoulders of the every- Shocking surveillance footage by S-Mart security 29203
trespassing and drunkenness; 1300 block Park day beat cop; 2000 block cameras shows a man walking into the store, select- A girl keeps calling her boyfriend's new gal pal and
Street. ing an unknown brand of bottled beer and then putting threatening her, cursing at her, and saying she'll throw
29209 it in his coat and walking out; 1000 Elmwood Ave. a brick through her window; 100 block Dundee Lane.
29212 Five men lynched a 24-year-old man in Hampton
Officers this week said a shoplifting white kid stole— Park Apartments while he slept. All of the men pum- 29209 29203
of all things— a Craftsman "meter clamp" from meled him Gomer Pile style and then jacked all the Another Piggly Wiggler said a man put seven cases A douchebag choked out his live-in girlfriend over the
SEARS in Columbia. Guess there’ll be one less cell phones he had lying around, along with other of beer in a shopping cart then tore ass out of the weekend. The shady strangler then went on an
stocking stuffer hanging over the melth lab this trailer items worth $900; 4400 block Blossom Street. store. Astore clerk said he chased the man to the next asphyxiation rampage, choking out two other people
park Christmas season; 100 block Columbiana Circle. corner and fought him for a minute before the thief in the house believed to be his kids; 100 block
29203 dropped the booze and ran inside of the Days Inn. An Ripplemeyer.
29201 An old granny called the cops after a neighborhood officer later found the 44-year-old weirdo hiding in a
A clerk at the Smoker's Express/Citgo said a man rascal snuck up onto her porch and stole her red walk- bathroom stall; 7400 block Garners Ferry Road. 29201
walked inside, poured himself a cup of coffee and er. The old lady says the name "Polly" is engraved on "I told you that I would get you." That's what a
then walked out without paying. When the clerk con- the seat of the walker so if anyone sees Polly, this lady 29201 guy said to another man before punching him
fronted him, police say the man cursed and yelled at would like to be able to walk to the nearest Columbia Four men beat down a 26-year-old man at around square in the jaw; 1600 block Main Street.
her. Police also said the total revenue lost for the store Star rack to get her weekly paper; 4500 block lunchtime in the Vista a week ago. The man said the
on this particular occasion was $0.53; 900 block Monticello Road. gang-banger wannabes punched him several times 29203
Elmwood Ave. in the head and neck; 700 block Gervais Street. Orderly disorderly: a security guard at a Columbia
29203 hospital said a patient there punched him in the face;
29203 Police found a sketchy-looking man hanging out 29201 3300 block Harden Street.
Paging Attorney General Henry McMaster: A woman behind a house in Columbia this week and when they Cops said they’ve told this hobo to stay away from the
this month called police after her 35-year-old patted him down, what did they liquor store several times in the past but he just never
boyfriend knocked her around…again. Yeah, dude, find? No, not crack this time,
according to Columbia Police Officers Allman and only a box cutter. But that’s
Blair this is the FOURTH time this scumbag has been always a nice thing to have to
charged with criminal domestic violence. I thought you worry about; 5100 block Fairfield
were supposed to be all over this; 3900 block Shaw Road.
Street (Oh yeah, and it’s case #06-35136 if you're not
too busy tweaking your nipples over the passing of 29203
your awesome "Marriage Amendment"). Can you hear me now? No,
because your dumb ass just
29209 threw my cell phone against the
Good Eye: An officer stationed at the Wal-Mart wall. That's what this pissed off
entrance/exit said he saw someone exiting the store guy did to his girlfriend’s phone
with bulging pockets that were not bulging when the last week, forcing her to call the
person walked in. When a Wal-Mart manager was cops and file a report; 2100
called they notified the cops that this clown was block Bailey Street.
already on trespass notice. When the subject heard
this he took off running, falling down twice. The cops 29204
tried to grab him but he got away; 7500 block Garners Christmas came early for one
Ferry Road. Columbia crackhead thief who
broke into a home and stole a
$4,000 50-inch Toshiba TV and
DECEMBER 6 2006 11
 TOASTED GOURMET BREAD BOWLS
Not just soup…but a meal! Fresh-
baked bread filled with premium
meats and topped with hearty
soups and melted cheddar cheese

$2 Off
Any Large Sandwich Combo with
student ID, Five Points location only

12 DECEMBER 6, 2006
DECEMBER 6, 2006 13
 ENVIRONMENTAL, ENERGY MEASURES MAY
COME TO FOREFRONT IN 2007

With popular realization that $3 per might say, “I don’t want the govern-
gallon of gas and global warming aren’t ment telling me what I can do to my
outside the realm of reality, state law- property.” But if local governments
makers are poised to take a look at var- aren’t able to channel and steer growth
ious environmental and energy meas- throughout a community, the value of a
ures in the coming two-year legislative person’s property might actually end
session. up being worth less than now. For
Bubbling just below the surface is example, if your neighbor wanted to
an energy conservation and incentive put up a 50-story high-rise or an adult
package that Gov. Mark Sanford’s office book store, he might just be able to do
is reportedly working to present to law- so if the big developers and out-of-
makers in January. state, deep-pocketed interests get their way.
The plan, which may be unveiled during the Even considering the possibility of eliminat-
governor’s State of the State address, was ing zoning calls for selfish, individual interests to
apparently intentionally left out of the recent be placed ahead of the community and the com-
gubernatorial race because the governor didn’t mon good.
want to politicize state efforts to improve policy Water use. State lawmakers also may con-
on how South Carolina produces and consumes sider legislation that would regulate how much
energy. surface water can be drawn from lakes and
The plan, which the conservation community rivers. If too much is siphoned off, there may not
is eager to see, is thought to include a mixture of be enough for wildlife, fisheries, sportsmen and
tax incentives to encourage energy conservation future needs. For a few years, the state has
and petroleum alternatives, money for improved been working to develop a cooperative agree-
energy research, efforts to reduce the state’s ment with neighboring states to deal with water
greenhouse gas emissions and more state dol- usage in a fair way.
lars to boost energy education for consumers. Isolated wetlands. Word on the street is
This new statewide energy plan also may the environmental community may hold off on
include a recommendation from the governor’s insisting on new protection for isolated wetlands,
office for a special commission to take on energy a key unresolved issue for the last few years.
challenges of the 21st century. With South Why the change? Because a recent U.S.
Carolina’s natural advantages in hydrogen and Supreme Court ruling confused the whole issue
fuel cell research – and with the growing interest even more and state regulators now think they
in biodiesel fuel— it’s time for the state to step up might have enough authority to protect these
to the energy plate of the next generation. unique wetlands from development.
Other environmental issues on the table in Conservation Bank. Over the last three
2007: years, the $10 million of annual funding to the
Regulatory takings. Out-of-state funders state Conservation Bank has protected more
are keen to work to control regulatory takings, than 74,000 acres of land statewide. But
but conservationists are developing a coalition to because some lawmakers see it as a fund from
work to maintain the rights of local governments which they can steal for pet projects, conserva-
and communities to decide how their areas will tion groups again will have to fight to maintain
develop through zoning and local ordinances. the funding stream. A better way: Create a
Opponents to the current system include big mechanism to keep the money sacrosanct and
developers who say local zoning rules diminish off the table from legislators with sticky fingers.
the value of a person’s property because the
rules are “regulatory takings” that thwart the Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse Report, can
rights of property owners to do anything they be reached at: [email protected].
want to do with their land.
On the surface, people might think it sounds [email protected]
good to get rid of zoning. The average person

14 DECEMBER 6, 2006
Ted Rall editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST

THE PULLOUT METHOD

It can pull out now, which will almost certainly
U.S. to deal with same consequences in lead to civil war along sectarian and tribal
Iraq now or later lines and possibly to a wider regional conflict.
Second: it can pull out later— and deal with
NEW YORK—President Bush’s the exact same consequences then.
generals warn that if the United States Invading Iraq was the kind of idea so bad
pulls out of Iraq now, Iraq will disinte- that once it’s acted upon nothing can be done
grate into civil war. Experts counter to redeem it. One of my prewar worries was
that the civil war is already underway that there were no viable, well-known and
and what would follow a U.S. withdraw- popular opposition figures ready to replace
al would be even worse. Saddam Hussein. The dictator had sup-
“All indications point to a current pressed the Kurds, Shias and non-Baath-
state of civil war and the disintegration of the Iraqi aligned Sunnis for decades; each would want to run
state [if the U.S. leaves],” says Nawaf Obaid of the the country after he was removed.
Center for Strategic and International Studies. “Iraq has a one-man thugocracy,” wrote neocon-
“We’re not talking about just a full-scale civil servative historian Robert Kaplan five months before
war” after a U.S. withdrawal, adds Joost Hiltermann, the war in November 2002. “So the removal of
Middle East project director for the International Crisis Saddam would threaten to disintegrate the entire eth-
Group. “This would be a failed-state situation with nically riven country if we weren’t to act fast and prag-
fighting among various groups” growing into regional matically install people who could actually govern.”
conflict. That didn’t happen. In all fairness, given Ahmed
Think of the ferocious fighting that broke out Chalabi and the other ridiculous Iraqi exiles
after the Soviets left Afghanistan. Washington had to work with, it never could have.
Neighboring countries—Iran, Tajikistan, Once Bush decided to get rid of Saddam, civil war
Uzbekistan and Pakistan—prolonged the bloodshed became inevitable. The United States accelerated the
and destruction by arming proxy warlords. The balkanization of Iraq by recognizing the nascent state
Afghan civil war slowed to a simmer after the Taliban of Kurdistan and sanctifying the ratification of a con-
consolidated their harsh rule over most of the country. stitution that enshrines sectarian divisions in the form
Hiltermann describes a similar grim scenario. of privileges and semiautonomous fiefdoms under a
“The war will be over Iraq, over its dead body,” virtually powerless federal government.
he says. “Regional war is very much a possibility.” It’s cold-blooded calculus but where’s the
The winners will probably be the Shias who will advantage in staving off the inevitable? Perhaps Iraq
crush the Sunnis and transform Iraq into an Islamist is destined to set the Middle East ablaze, or to col-
state aligned with but more radical than, Iran. lapse into a failed state like Somalia, or to disintegrate
At least one of Iraq’s neighbors agrees. into partition and ethnic cleansing like Yugoslavia. It is
“When the ethnic-religious break occurs in one likely that, after we pull out, a lot of people are going
country, it will not fail to occur elsewhere, too,” Syrian to die. Does it matter if they die now rather than
President Bashar al-Assad recently warned. “It would 2008?
be as it was at the end of the Soviet Union, only much Holding back the deluge, after all, doesn’t come
worse. Large wars, small wars—no one will be able to cheap. The California Institute of Integral Studies cal-
get a grip on the consequences.” culates that “between two percent and five percent of
Senator John McCain says that with so much at Iraq’s 27 million people have been killed, wounded or
stake in the war against Iraq, the United States ought uprooted since the Americans invaded in 2003.”
to be sending more troops not pulling them out. He Immediate withdrawal offers one clear advantage
agrees with Pentagon planners who want to add over “ramping up and ramping down”: it would end an
25,000 or 30,000 troops to the 140,000 already there. occupation that will kill 1,000 American troops and
“The consequences of failure are so severe that 200,000 Iraqis for every year that it continues.
I will exhaust every possibility to try to fix this situa- Long or short, the bloodletting of an Iraqi civil
tion,” McCain said. “It’s not just Iraq that they’re inter- war is coming. Unlike the bloodletting of our current
ested in. It’s the region, and then us.” occupation, however, it will eventually end.
Michael O’Hanlon, the senior fellow of foreign
policy studies at the Washington-based think tank, (Ted Rall is the author of the new book Silk Road to
the Brookings Institution, describes the Pentagon’s Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?, an in-
thinking about troop strength: “You ramp up in 2007 depth prose and graphic novel analysis of America’s
and then ramp it down to below 100,000 to maybe next big foreign policy challenge).
60,000 or 70,000 in 2008, but we cannot go higher.
We don’t have a big enough military.” [email protected]
But then what?
The United States has two options in Iraq. First:

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Explosion No Honor Lost The T. Moody Band SHOW (Marty Fort's B Day) - 9 pm LongStreet
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Racing Kites Bullistic A Thin Place Sunbrewed Soul Knives Exchanging Hands
TBA Order In Ruin TBA Black Market Connectionz Diemona MONDAY DECEMBER 18
(ex. Liftkit) Foxes that Fight
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7 TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12 Examining Emma SATURDAY DECEMBER 16 New Brookland Tavern- 7 pm
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9 White Rose Revival Colour Revolt
Art Bar- New Brookland Tavern- 7 pm Art Bar Goodnight Providence
Suhgarim Art Bar- Ruba Say & The Cosmic Rays New Brookland Tavern- 8 pm Josh Roberts and The Hinges American Film
Saturn 3 Autonomous The Stelle Group Hickry Hawkins WILX TBA
Authority Normal Bias The Defilers Petrillo Relents
Headliners- 8 pm David Adedokum Vaeda Bo-Stevens TUESDAY DECEMBER 19
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Stillhouse King Hippo Hello Tomorrow TBA
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Kevin Kinney (of Drivin’ N
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16 DECEMBER 6, 2006
 Five Points Confidential
BY YORK “BUDD” DURDEN
At the risk of a shriveled Mick Jagger magically Polish sausage, which is also what we used to call
appearing to croak out that old Stones B-side this linebacker named Kaminsky when I played on the
“Yesterday’s Papers”…some old news: varsity squad at Bob Coble Prep.
Saluda Ave. got a squirt of showbiz adrenaline a Once the fair packed up though, dang if they
few weeks ago—for a day and a half, Bacon Burgers didn’t tear the streets all to heck again. I ran into a
were the blue plate special at venerable Five Points retail-
no less than half a dozen er on a sunny afternoon not
eateries. The Hollywood long ago who was more
types didn’t do too much wan- sanguine than anxious. I
dering around though—one asked him if that inter-
merchant had hoped some minable impediment to fis-
superstar would saunter in cal solvency, the
wielding a black American streetscaping project, had
Express card (black is the cut into his business.
new platinum don’t you know) “Not at all,” he replied,
and buy out the place, neces- his eyes darting around. He
sitating if not an early retire- went on to say that if any-
ment, then at the very least a thing, business was “nor-
well earned mid afternoon mal,” if not “healthy.” My
siesta. I told the weary retailer that they were having eyes glazed over as I played a familiar game, count-
a half price sale on lottery tickets over at the Exxon, ing to see if there were more empty parking spaces
which would yield roughly equivalent odds of such than orange barrels.
imaginative and instantaneous wealth. But now that the holidays are upon on us—and
But speaking of show business, there’s nothing I mean, like, literally, I can’t breathe man, get off me—
like the S.C. State Fair to really put a dose of wee-wee surely business will be hellzapoppin’ here in the
in everyone’s retailing cornflakes—at least those who neighb’, the playing field leveled by that insatiable
hope and wait for the disposable income of youth to desire to honor the birth of Christ by maxing out cred-
waft gently into the tills of both the hospitality industry it cards. And believe me, disingenuous (or delusion-
as well as local vendors of dry goods. al) retailers aside the ‘Points needs the activity what-
Personally, I stopped attending the fair when the ever your faith or credit limit may be.
old freak shows were dropped in favor of more To hear some of our esteemed local politicians
upscale entertainment such as a breaded and deep- tell it however, if someone’s business is hurting then
fried Zagnut bar. And one thing the fair can’t do that surely there must be something wrong with the busi-
our pubs and restaurants can is serve tall, frosty ness in question quite apart from any external pres-
chocolate milkshakes, er, I mean, beer. Sorry—think- sures such as years-long, disruptive major construc-
ing about them fried chocolate treats caused the tion events. Sure, sure, that’s quantifiable. No way
sweet tooth fairy to get all up under me for a minute blocking off streets for weeks at a time and installing
there. But seriously, if the fair did still sell malted bev- coin-hungry green no-armed bandits could possibly
erages then Five Points could probably roll up the deter someone from wanting to shop in our little vil-
gravel walkways during those 10 days in October. So lage—right?
we got that going for us, which is nice. Sort of like insisting that a mythical, cherubic
At the risk of seeming like a hypocrite I made a Eskimo left those toys under the tree, eh, Virginia?
trip to the fair anyway just to see if the place still Until we meet again (hopefully under the mistle-
smelled of sawdust, fryer oil and pig poop. And I was- toe, hubba hubba), I remain, York Budd Durden.
n’t disappointed. Olfactory “delights” abounded,
though through a veil of tears I had to pass on the You may e-mail York Durden [email protected]

18 DECEMBER 6, 2006
 The Old Ball Coach Phoenix Tongue Road Show Events for December

Dec. 13 Phoenix Tongue in association with Artists’ Basement 2013 Devine Street in Columbia, S.C. will feature
Singer/Songwriter Showcase. Lineup will include The Dubber, Rian Adkinson, Todd Britton, and Andrew Francis. There
will be Poetry between sets. Phoenix Tongue is glad to bring these intrepid artists to individually feature during this
evening. Tickets will be $5 at the door. The proceeds will fund future Phoenix Tongue events.
The Phoenix Tongue Road Show sponsored by the Columbia City Paper at Dragonfly Studio 320 Lincoln St reet in
Columbia, S.C. Dec. 20 will feature host John Starino as he offers his poetry developed as an expression of life expe-
riences. His tenor will underscore his times of challenges--as a homeless person, medical client, care giver--to foster
awareness of individuals that deal with plights on a daily basis. Food Not Bombs, a group of individuals that actively
feed many people every Sunday at Finlay Park, is seeking more volunteers to assist in this cause. All donations such
as canned goods, contributions, and other support will benefit Food Not Bombs. The following poem is an example of
mixed emotion felt while volunteering for Food Not Bombs for the first time. Be sure to take part Dec. 6 and Dec. 27
for Open Mic at The Red Tub. All events begin at 8. Information: John Starino (803) 463-8297

to walk in
these shoes

queue up to the table finlay park stage columbia sc

shirt 2 sweaters jacket one does not carry a duffel bag for belongings
a paper plate in hand, a styro cup some ham, some macaroni and cheese
a cup for soup that will keep one warm for a short while satisfy one’s gnaw
to know that the served and the the server are just reflections of a mirror life
fortune faith in one’s time

baseball cap brim keeps the sun deflect from eyes

one has arms and legs to reach and walk a mouth to speak
though too ashamed to ask since one knows which side of the table one is on

one to know that i have walked in these shoes to know that one may still walk in these shoes

one is not a beggar that grasps for handout one is man woman child
that found oneself here
no crime in the testimony that is one’s life today one knows that what one wishes is the hope
for one’s future

let it be said i come here not to relieve myself that

i am on this side of table think that i am better than you
University of South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier (left) has continuously denied reports of his departure from USC just know that today
and on Dec. 2 received a one-year contract extension and an increase in annual guaranteed compensation. Spurrier is the
first coach at the university to take the Gamecocks to bowl games in both of his first two years. South Carolina will face i walk in my
Houston in Memphis Friday, Dec. 29 at the AutoZone Liberty Bowl. PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD shoes
j. m. starino
SPURRIER DENIES REPORTS OF LEAVING this is a paid advertisement

USC. OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

JOHN D. ANONYMOUS

GIFT CERTIFICATES
I can understand why many members of the Alabama job. He’s probably the top target for a lot
media are despised and cursed by the athletes of jobs. That doesn’t mean he’s the top candidate.
and coaches they’re assigned to cover. As one of A candidate would either show interest or waffle on
the hated, it’s actually kind of a badge of honor. the issue, saying for instance, I’ll discuss it after
If one person kept calling me asking if I was the season. Get 10% cash value added to each certificate over $50
quitting my job, despite me assuring him several Spurrier has said he’s staying. He’s said he’s
times that I wasn’t going anywhere, I’d probably flattered by the reports that he’s being considered
get a little testy too. but it’s not like all Alabama or Miami or whoever
That’s why I can’t blame South Carolina foot- has to do is just wiggle their index fingers and
ball coach Steve Spurrier for issuing some sharp Spurrier will be there.
retorts in his daily battles with the media, where he
has repeated himself ad nauseum that he is not
You guys don’t need to worry about Miami or
Alabama or Tennessee or Auburn or Georgia, he ONE FREE
PERSONAL
interested in leaving the Gamecocks to go coach said. I’m South Carolina.
somewhere else. Spurrier has had the patience of Remember, Texas A&M targeted USC base-
a monk denying the rumors that he might be head- ball coach Ray Tanner a couple of years ago as
ing to Miami or Alabama and thanks to some of the
rather cheese-brained members of my chosen
its top choice to helm its program. Tanner said no
and remained at USC.
TRAINING
profession, he’s had to keep denying them.
He said he wasn’t interested in the Miami job,
So what’s the difference here? Spurrier said
no. Move on to the next guy. I think it’s part of our
SESSION
a rumor that CSTV genius Brian Curtis began. nature as human beings that we just have to run
Curtis told Spurrier on a teleconference that he news into the ground until it is completely dead
had numerous sources that told him Spurrier’s hir- and buried. It’s like giving a dog a new chew toy -
ing at Miami was a done deal. Spurrier told him he that sucker will be bitten and gnawed until it’s a
was being fed a line and that he wasn’t going any- scrap of its former self, letting you know it’s time to
where, thanks for the interest. buy a new one. Get advice from an
So Curtis goes back online and says Spurrier But some of us at realize when there’s no truth
tiptoed around the question. He also said he stood to the story, when it’s time to shut up and admit we expert, Mark Neal, for-
by his reporting.
Try to find that report online these days. It got
were wrong. That’s the time to stand up and take
the punishment, instead of talking to another
mer Mr.South Carolina
yanked quicker than a diet soda off Fat Albert’s inside source that is apparently just drooling all and owner of Nutrition
kitchen table. over the carpet to spill the news.
Now it’s Alabama. Spurrier already said he Spurrier isn’t leaving USC. He said no. Warehouse
had no interest. Yet morons who have nothing bet- Repeatedly. Either deal with it or go join your

Nutrition Warehouse
ter to do with their time than piddle around on the inside sources, where you can wave your
Internet insist it is true. Clemson degrees around, knock down a beer at
So, a message to the great unwashed out the Esso Club and wonder how somebody could
there who believe everything they see on the Web possibly shank a game-tying field goal against his-
is gospel truth - Spurrier is staying at South arch-rival. 1603 Broad River Road Boozer Shopping Center 803.216.0910
Carolina. He can’t put it any more clearly and nei-
ther can I. [email protected]
I’m sure Spurrier is a top target for the DECEMBER 6, 2006 19
 ARIES TAURUS GEMINI CANCER
Your mastiff, an incorrigible leg Although your father always You voted for the gay marriage Using the scientific method you will dis-
hound, has so far humped every warned you to never trust a man amendment...but your wife still cover that of all big screen genres, hor-
houseguest right back out the door. with two first names you will find suspects. ror movies seem to attract the loudest,
that you can’t shake your most obnoxious cell phone-talking ass-
While most would consider this a holes on the planet. According to your
nuisance, you will find it both useful unhealthy obsession with local
calculations they don’t seem to go to
and highly entertaining... especially newscaster, Craig Melvin. But comedies or dramas. It would be a fas-
when that Jehovah’s Witness comes hey, one more fan letter won’t cinating—even humorous—disserta-
knocking next week.
make a difference (and that way tion to write if you weren’t so danger-
you can round it off to an even ously close to smothering someone
730 by Christmas). with a giant Raisinettes bag the next
time it happens.

LEO VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO

Start a microwave cooking show Your week will take an upturn when— Luckily, leading scientists have You will realize that truth really is
to appeal to the slacker demo- [chuckle]. Sorry, your week will— nearly perfected a viable face stranger than fiction when you hear
graphic. AHH-HA-HA-HA! I’m sorry, Virgo. Did transplantation procedure. Soon, this phrase uttered: “The Russian
you hear about the Canadian citizens your hideous mug will be Spy Death Radiation Probe... aren’t
who [snicker] posed nude in the town’s replaced by a— wait...what? they playing at New Brookland
Tavern this weekend?” .
potholes to protest the road condi- You’ve already undergone the
tions? BLAH-HA-HA-HA! I would give procedure? I hope you kept the
anything to see that in Five Points! receipt.
Maybe a Five Points Association cal-
endar! HAAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAA
[cough, cough, cough].

SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

After reading headlines about To numb holiday headaches this You know, Aquarius, this batch of Enjoy these salad days while they
Britney Spears’ drunken panty- year, just take the easy horoscopes seems particularly last. Carpe Diem. Eat steak every
free antics in front of the route: booze. There’s no shame degenerate, even by my stan- night. Because once Dec. 26 rolls
paparazzi, your life will reach a in turning to booze... sweet, around and the mall no longer needs
dards. That’s why I’m relieved to a Santa it’ll be back to the fireworks
new low when you catch yourself sweet booze. be here in your plain, safe little stand circuit with you until this time
typing “Britney Spears crotch Sorry, where was I? neck of the horoscopes. You next year.
photo” into the Google search field should really get out more. Go
at the church library in which you through a Taco Bell drive through
work. in the nude to spice things up.

Jonesin’ Crosswords Heard of Animals: sounds like there’s a few in here BY MATT JONES

Across 58 One who seeks out the best heroin-addicted supermodel

restaurants 34 Cancelled Showtime series
1 Ex-Steelers running back 59 “What I Am” singer Brickell 35 Word from the Sanskrit for
Morris 60 Word preceding “I never “stone”
4 Entirely edible thought of that” 36 Siding hazard
8 Italian drink 61 Acquiescence 37 Pocket protector wearers
14 Word heard after “further” 62 “SportsCenter” channel 38 Joey in the “Winnie-the-Pooh”
15 Like some chatter 63 Country on the Med. stories
16 Entered, as by horse 42 “Little House on the Prairie”
17 Cause your sweetheart to fall Down headwear
asleep? 43 Tagged, maybe
19 How pointed wit is presented 1 Fail to shut up 44 “I dunno” gestures
20 Virgin founder Richard 2 More than likes 45 Dangerfield whose headstone
21 Pageant host 3 “Breaker ___” reads “There goes the neighbor-
22 Give but want back 4 Frees (of) hood”
23 Fresh bottle of hair product? 5 Logical beginning? 46 The world, in metaphor
27 Extreme ending 6 At the drawing board 48 Dodge
28 “Ma ___’s Black Bottom” 7 Ending for mountain 49 “Beyond the Sea” subject
(August Wilson play) 8 One of 22 for U29 DiSpirito of Bobby
30 Skosh the NBC reality show “The 50 Tiny battery size
31 Laura and Bruce Restaurant” 53 Sink sound
32 Word repeated on 10 Haitian separation exclama- 54 “Push th’ Little Daisies” duo
“Teletubbies” tion 55 Filmmaker’s deg.
34 Person who’s been shouting 11 Revered place 56 “Rocky” interjections
“Revolution!” too much? 12 Band formed by ex-Sex Pistol 57 Akeelah’s event
39 In need of antacid Johnny Rotten, for short
40 “___ Name” (1973 Jim Croce 13 “___ news?” ©2006 Jonesin’ Crosswords (edi-
album) 18 Wind down [email protected])For
41 Tide rival 21 Flock female answers to this puzzle, call: 1-
42 Drum circle sets 24 Coming after 900-226-2800, 99 cents per
44 Sign for a Broadway hit 25 Use breeze minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill
47 Get the hell out of the bakery? 26 Dame ___ Everage toyour credit card, call: 1-800-
50 “Hey there,” on the high seas 28 Chill 655-6548. Reference puzzle
51 Reporting bias 29 “___ we?” #0287.
52 Possible 2008 candidate for 31 Dr. you wouldn’t ask for med-
the Dems ical advice
55 “I’m up” 32 Part of 55-down
57 What uncle sees before sex? 33 Angelina Jolie biopic about a

20 DECEMBER 6, 2006
Deric spoils the movie
(1:00), (1:30), (3:10), (3:40), 5:20, 5:50, 7:30, 8:00, Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
9:40, 10:10 Rated R, 1 hr 40 min 8:00
One Night With the King Turistas
Rated PG, 2 hr 3 min Rated R, 1 hr 32 min
937 Main Street, 803.254.8234 (1:15), 4:10, 7:15, 9:45 2:15, 4:45, 7:30, 9:45
Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & 9:00 Turistas THE BIG MO DRIVE IN
(3:00 matinee Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday) Rated R, 1 hr 32 min 5822 Columbia Highway North, Monetta
Dec. 8-10 FRI- SUN (1:00), (3:15), 5:30, 7:45, 10:00 Take I-20 to exit 33 (SC Route 39)
Dec. 12-14 TUES- THURS Take SC 39 to Monetta, SC (approx. 7
The Science of Sleep COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS miles.) Turn right onto US 1.
1250 Bower Parkway The drive-in is approximately one mile
Saturday Dec. 9 at 10 a.m. only
AChristmas Story Bobby down US 1 on the right.
Rated R, 2 hr 0 min
REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA (1:15), (4:15), 6:55, 9:35 Closed for the winter
3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. Thanks for making it a great year!
Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make
Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8
Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan Rated R, 1 hr 24 min 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington, SC,
Rated R, 1 hr 24 min (12:45), (3:00), (5:20), 7:30, 9:45 29072
(12:20), (2:40), 4:40, 7:40, 10:05 Deck the Halls Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for
Casino Royale Rated PG, 1 hr 35 min Make Benefit Glorious Nation of
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min (12:10), (12:50), (2:30), (3:10), (4:50), (5:30), 7:10, Kazakhstan
(12:30), 4:00, 7:15, 10:15 7:50, 9:25, 10:00 Rated R, 1 hr 24 min
Deck the Halls FlushedAway 4:20, 6:55, 9:50
Rated PG, 1 hr 35 min Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min Casino Royale
(12:00), (2:25), 4:45, 7:20, 9:40 (12:15), 10:15 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min
Deja Vu For Your Consideration 4:00, 7:00, 10:00
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 8 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 26 min Deck the Halls
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: Opening in Wide Release This Week: (12:15), (12:45), 3:45, 4:15, 7:00, 7:25, 9:50, 10:20 (12:30), (2:50), (5:10), 7:15, 9:40 Rated PG, 1 hr 35 min
The Rise of Taj (2006) Apocalypto
Fountain, The Happy Feet 4:50, 7:15, 9:30
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 36 min Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min Deja Vu
Synopsis: Mel Gibson’s epic Mayan adventure. (12:05), (2:20), 4:55, 7:35, 9:55 (12:00), (1:00), (2:00), (2:40), (3:40), (4:45), (5:15),
$10 better spent than the DVD purchase of the origi- Prediction: Personal politics aside, Mel Gibson makes Rated PG-13, 2 hr 8 min
nal… Nativity Story, The 7:00, 7:40, 8:20, 9:30, 10:10 (3:50), 6:45, 9:40
great movies. National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min Happy Feet
represents the latest in the Lampoon franchise and (12:10), (2:30), 4:50, 7:30, 10:00 Rated R, 1 hr 38 min Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
Blood Diamond (12:05), (2:45), (5:05), 7:45, 10:05 5:00, 7:40, 10:15
the sequel to 2002’s original Van Wilder starring Synopsis: Leonardo DiCaprio is a mercenary who CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA Prestige, The
Ryan Reynolds. The latest installment follows Taj quests for a rare diamond. 5320 Forest Drive. National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The
Badalandabad as he graduates from Coolidge Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min Rise of Taj
Prediction: OK, we’ll give it a shot. Bobby (3:30), 7:25
College a successful ladies man, and heads off to Rated R, 1 hr 38 min
Rated R, 2 hr 0 min Queen, The 4:10, 7:50, 10:20
Camford University in England for his graduate The Holiday 1:30), (4:00), 7:00, 9:30 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min Nativity Story, The
degree. Upon arrival he is excited that he will be fol- Synopsis: Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet swap lives (1:50), (4:30), 7:20, 9:50
to solve their man troubles. Christmas at Maxwell's Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
lowing in his father’s footsteps as a member of the Rated PG, 1 hr 34 min 4:40, 7:20, 10:10
Fox and Hounds prestigious fraternal order. Turns Prediction: Absolutely not. Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The
(1:45), (4:30), 7:15, 9:40 Rated G, 1 hr 38 min Santa Clause 3: Escape Clause, The
out his acceptance is a farce, and he is assigned as FlushedAway (12:45), (3:20), (5:45), 8:10
Unaccompanied Minors Rated G, 1 hr 38 min
a Resident Advisor in a shack known as ‘The Barn’ Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min Stranger Than Fiction 4:50, 7:10, 9:55
full of a predictable group of misfits: An Irish athlete, Synopsis: Five children are snowed into an (1:00), (3:05), (5:10), 7:15, 9:30
airport…with no parents!!! Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
a nerdy Brainiac, a sexy promiscuous cockney, and a Happy Feet (12:55), (4:25), 7:05, 9:55 PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8
well-endowed mute. Taj bands these ruffians togeth- Prediction: Awesome! (Sarcasm) 450 Town Center Place, Columbia, SC,
Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
er into a new fraternal order known as the ‘Cock and (12:00), (12:30), (2:25), (2:55), (4:50), (5:20), 7:15, 29229
Also Playing This Week: Rated R, 1 hr 40 min
Bulls’ and they set out to compete against the Fox 7:45, 9:40, 10:10 (12:20), (3:20), (5:40), 8:00, 10:20 Deck the Halls
and Hounds for the prestigious Hastings Cup in vari- Bobby X National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj Rated PG, 1 hr 35 min
AMCDutchSquare14
ous events (ie, badminton, rugby, the dog show, fenc- Synopsis: The story of the night Sen. Robert F. Rated R, 1 hr 38 min 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC, 29210 11:45am), (12:15), (2:10), (2:40), 4:25,
ing, etc.). Enter Charlotte Higginson, girlfriend of Pip Kennedy was assassinated. (1:45), (4:30), 7:15, 9:35 4:55, 7:15, 9:40
Everett (The Earl of Grey, head of the Fox and Santa Clause 3: Escape Clause, The Bobby
Verdict: Emilio Estevez; we miss The Breakfast Club, Rated R, 2 hr 0 min Deja Vu
Hounds, and Taj’s nemesis in the film) and his new The Young Guns, and The Mighty Ducks. Rated G, 1 hr 38 min 2:40, 5:30, 8:15 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 8 min
boss. This complicates things and ‘hilarity’ (or some- (1:00), (3:15), 5:30, 7:45, 10:00 (11:50am), (12:50), 4:15, 4:45, 7:15,
Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make 8:30, 10:10
what of a lack thereof) ensues as Taj thwarts Pips Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Stranger Than Fiction Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
schemes and tries to woo the beautiful Charlotte. Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan √ Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min Rated R, 1 hr 24 min Flushed Away
The Cock and Bulls tear through the Hastings Synopsis: Borat takes on America in his first feature (1:30), (4:15), 7:00, 9:40 3:20, 5:25, 7:40, 9:50 Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min
Cup competition and must compete against the Fox film. Turistas (11:55am), (2:20), 4:35
Casino Royale
and Hounds for the title in fencing. Taj however, is Verdict: Yes it’s a great movie but if you are still doing Rated R, 1 hr 32 min Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min Fountain, The
expelled due to copies of the final exam being found Borat voices you are lame; that was soooo last month. (1:00), (3:15), 5:30, 7:45, 10:00 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 36 min
2:15, 4:15, 5:45, 7:20, 9:00
in their dormitory. At the last moment it is discovered (12:10), (2:45), 5:05, 7:25, 9:50
CARMIKE CINEMAS 14 Deck the Halls
that the Exams were planted by Pip, and he in turn is Casino Royale √ 122Afton Court. Rated PG, 1 hr 35 min Happy Feet
expelled. Taj wins the fencing match, and (surprise!) Synopsis: Bond is back… Babel 2:45, 4:50, 7:15, 9:20 Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
gets the girl. He also earns the admiration of his Verdict: …and in style! Rated R, 2 hr 22 min (11:30am), (12:00), (2:00), (2:30), 4:30,
Deja Vu 5:00, 7:00, 7:30, 9:30, 10:00
father as it is discovered his father was not a Fox (2:00), 5:00, 8:00 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 8 min
Deck the Halls X 2:10, 5:00, 8:00 National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The
and Hound nor was the ladies man he proclaimed Synopsis: Danny Devito decides to build the world’s Casino Royale Rise of Taj
earlier in the film. Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min FlushedAway
largest Christmas light display. (1:00), (2:00), 4:00, 5:00, 7:00, 8:00, 9:50 Rated R, 1 hr 38 min
Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj can’t escape the Verdict: …and gets hammered with George Clooney Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min (12:30), (2:50), 5:15, 7:50, 10:20
feeling that it’s merely running off the fumes of the Christmas at Maxwell's 3:30, 5:40
to forget these horrible movies. Nativity Story, The
original. The plot is essentially the same, substituting Rated PG, 1 hr 34 min Fountain, The Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
a few minor roles for others. As evident by the num- (1:45), 4:30, 7:15, 9:40 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 36 min
Deja Vu X (12:00), (2:30), 5:00, 7:30, 10:00
ber of releases in this genre ever year, there will Synopsis: Denzel Washington travels time…to fight Departed, The 2:20, 4:40, 7:00, 9:20
Rated R, 2 hr 30 min Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
always be a place for sophomoric collegiate humor in crime! Happy Feet Rated G, 1 hr 38 min (11:40am),
Verdict: Denzel, you are better than this and you know (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30 Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
the cinemas, however Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2:05), 4:25, 6:50, 9:20
represents a new low for the Lampoon franchise. Kal it. Flicka 2:00, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30
Stranger Than Fiction
Penn lacks the natural charm and charisma that Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
Flushed Away √ (1:30), 7:00 Rated R, 1 hr 38 min
made Ryan Reynolds so loveable in the first, too 7:05, 9:45
Synopsis: Animated tale of a pampered mouse who Fountain, The 2:30, 5:00, 7:15, 9:30
many jokes are repeated (think ‘pink taco’), and Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
inadvertently winds up in the sewer. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 36 min Nativity Story, The
although there are a few moments that will illicit (1:15), (3:25), 5:30, 7:35, 9:45 Rated R, 1 hr 40 min
chuckles from the audience, none that warrant see- Verdict: This week it’s all about Happy Feet for the Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min 7:35, 9:55
kids. Good Year,A 2:00, 4:30, 7:10, 9:40
ing it in theaters. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min
Turistas
National Lampoon’s: Van Wilder (2002): Santa Clause 3: Escape Clause, The Rated R, 1 hr 32 min
(1:15), 4:15, 7:15, 9:50 Rated G, 1 hr 38 min (12:20), (2:50), 5:10, 8:00, 10:30
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (2006) starring Kal MarieAntoinette 3:15, 5:30, 7:45, 9:50
Penn, Shobu Kapoor, Dan Percival, Holly Davidson Synopsis: Ryan Reynolds stars as a super senior at
Coolidge College whose uber popularity is impedeing Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min Stranger Than Fiction
and Anthony Cozens is directed by Mort Nathan and 4:15, 9:40 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
rated R for pervasive crude sexual content, some his desire to graduate until a journalism major (Tara
Reid) reaches out to him. Nativity Story, The 2:20, 5:10, 7:50
nudity and language. Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
Spoiler: Van foils the frat boys and gets the girl! Just
like in the new one! Weird! DECEMBER 6, 2006 21
 Savage
LUNG CANDY, ADIEU
BY HARRY S. IARCH between throwing myself off a bridge or taking up smokers.
tobacco. Walking the back streets of Paris on a drizzly

Love
I bought a pack of Marlboro Reds and blew autumn evening, puffing away as a tower clock chimes
As I write this essay I am staring at the very def- through all 20 sticks in one evening. Like Bill Clinton, midnight. And in Istanbul, crossing the Bosphorus on
inition of black humor. I mean humor as in “comedy,” at first I was completely ignorant of how to inhale. But an early morning ferry, a stiff rush of nicotine warming
but also the medieval connotation of elemental fluid. when a friend tutored me on the fine art of respiring me from the tight February wind.
Think ‘black bile.’ tobacco, oh how the stress dissipated. One evening in college my roommate and I
Whenever I return from a stint of foreign travel, I I’ve been smoking two packs a day for eight downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker. Our minds
tack a pack of newly acquired exotic Camel cigarettes years. The one time I tried to quit—I made it all of abuzz, we watched the orange iridescence slowly curl
to my den wall. I have Camels from France, Iceland, toward our respective filters convinced that in the SEX ADVICE COLUMN
the United Kingdom, the Czech Republic, Ireland, glow all the mysteries of the universe were revealed.
the Netherlands, even Israel. BY DAN SAVAGE
And don’t forget the post-culinary and post-
My favorite pack is from Turkey. Camel mar- coitus smoke! Nothing beats a cigarette after the
kets itself as a Turkish blend cigarette yet in Turkey perfect steak. Except perhaps a smoke in the sack DEAR SAVAGE LOVE,
the package reads: SMOOTH AMERICAN BLEND. after a world-class lay. I'm a smoker and my partner is a nonsmoker. He
In English no less! (Tobacco marketers are genius- In the end I know cigarettes are coffin nails. says his face goes numb when I give him head. His
es). Accordingly, I have been weaning myself for years: theory is that the penis is permeable and is absorbing
The warning labels on foreign cigarettes have from Lucky Strikes unfiltered, to Camel Reds, then the nicotine in my saliva. It's a good theory, but it's only
always piqued my curiosity as well. I imagine the Camel Filters, and finally down to Camel Lights and his face that goes numb—his cheeks and lips, not his
Czech warning “Koufiení váÏnû po‰kozuje zdraví” now Camel Ultra Lights. whole head or his dick head. He really enjoys it so it's
means something along the lines of “While our poor I’ve been waiting for that moment where I want- not a problem. I'm just curious whether or not he's
former Communist nation cannot afford a surgeon ed to quit. There’s just no point in conquering an right.
general, even a dumpling-brained peasant knows addiction because everyone tells you to. The desire - Not Underestimating My Blowjobs
that smoking leads to pulmonary defenestration.” has to come from within. And desire is finally there—
What makes my Camel collage comically despite the fact that I’ve smoked seven cigarettes I haven't the faintest idea what's happening to
repulsive are the two pieces of postcard artwork that while writing this. your boyfriend's face, NUMB, but I've seen pictures of
juxtapose the packs themselves, both by Vincent My wife and I are going to try to have a baby what's happening to your lungs. My advice: Quit smok-
Van Gogh. soon. So it’s time to join the world of Lance ing—and if your boyfriend's facial numbness during
The first is Van Gogh’s masterpiece “Skull with Armstrong-obsessed health freaks—at least until I blowjobs subsides, well, then you were right about the
Burning Cigarette.” I have a feeling that if this pic- catch my kids smoking 16 years from now and sur- nicotine. Don't want to quit smoking? Then your
ture supplanted warning labels, many smokers prise them by bumming one. boyfriend should find some other mouth to stuff his
would be inclined to quit cold turkey. But the real question is: how the bloody hell am junk into.
The other is Van Gogh’s well-known I going to give up a habit that previously only mor- I'm sorry if that answer wasn't very helpful. Or
“Wheatfield with Crows,” a harrowing painting about three days—my mood shifted so dramatically that my phine could quell? (I rather doubt I’ll find much oral sympathetic. But smoking? Ick. Stop already. Yuck.
death, which many speculate was the Dutch master’s friends intervened and bought me a carton. satisfaction via mint-flavored toothpicks). Gross. Blech.
(pun intended) final work. My only other cessation period occurred when I I know; I’ll write a column in a local newspaper,
All this is to make the point that smokers are well Moving on, I was all set to do a really kick-ass col-
was on morphine for two weeks in the hospital. I whereby an entire community of readers can hold me umn this week on cuckolding—wherein a straight man
aware that smoking is bad for their health. We know it thought I had kicked my addiction for good—until the accountable.
turns our lungs into twin tar pits, makes our teeth look watches, or is told about, another man having sex with
doctors pulled the opiate plug. Thank God I write under a pseudonym. his wife or girlfriend—when one of my coworkers
like a harvest of yellow squash and produces an odor There is a great romance to smoking. I am not
that resembles Eau d’Sasquatch. walked in with a pan of pumpkin pot cake. She told us
referring to the “high school behind-the-football- [email protected] that the cake was a complete failure as a drug; she
Unlike most smokers, I had my first carcinogenic bleachers cool factor.” This is an idyll nonsmokers
fag in my mid-20s. Life had taken a turn for the had eaten two pieces the night before and didn't get
simply cannot understand but I see the longing for high at all. It was, however, pretty tasty cake, so she
absolute worst and I found myself deliberating such hazy halcyon days in the eyes of recovering
y, , brought it in to work to share with everybody.
Well, it seems that my coworker's tolerance for
THC is lots higher than mine. I had one little sliver of
cake—maybe two—and now I'm so fucking baked I
Edited by Will Shortz No. 1112 can hardly see my laptop. I shouldn't be writing a col-
ACROSS 31 What a 55 The only royal 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
umn in this condition—goodness, what if someone
prosecutor may palace in the were to actually take my advice?—but deadlines are
1 Part of a French
court try to prove U.S. 14 15 16 deadlines and no editor will accept performance de-
4 Drift
34 ___ for iron 56 “My view is …” 17 18 19 hancing drugs as an excuse for missing one. So I set
35 Presidential 58 Big name in oil aside the contentious cuckolding issue until next week
8 Scattered middle name 59 Opposite of 20 21 22
and scrounged up a few questions that, even stoned,
14 “___ Box” (1992 36 Locale called “No, no”
six-disc set) Minnahannock
23 24 25 I can't screw up. Or can I?
60 Little wriggler
15 Hit man by the Algonquin 61 Hit list? 26 27 28 29 30
Indians, bought
62 Abbr. before a
DEAR SAVAGE LOVE,
16 Hot by the Dutch in
1637 date
31 32 33 34 35 I'm an average guy, not a big stud. My relation-
17 Russian news ships with women have usually been long ones, never
source 39 Popular syrup 63 “The Matrix” 36 37 38

40 Make tracks?
hero quick affairs or one-night stands. But there is this
19 “A Man Must 39 40 41
Fight” author 41 Loquacious
woman at work who, little by little, I have become
Gene DOWN 42 43 44 45 attracted to. I have been having dreams, real-hot fan-
42 Short
1 That’s an order tasies, about her. I found out she is going to leave her
20 Couples 43 Leaves alone 46 47 48
2 Expand, as a job and pretty much move away. I probably won't see
21 Starter: Abbr. 45 River connected compressed file
22 Kitchen gadgets to a 165-mile 3 Alibi
49 50 51 52 53 54 her again. Any suggestions on how I can approach this
23 Kinship
long European
4 Mich. neighbor 55 56 57 without sounding like an asshole?
canal
5 When to hear - Clueless On The Job
26 Govt. loan 46 Psyched about 58 59 60
agency going “O Romeo,
Romeo! 61 62 63 Nope.
27 Looking up 49 Military craft wherefore art
52 Slutty thou Romeo?” All unwelcome advances are made by assholes,
28 When “77 Puzzle by Karen M. Tracey
Sunset Strip” 53 Villain at Crab 6 Puts on a show 28 Computer option 38 “Fer ___!” 49 Pre-Celtic
COTJ, while all welcome advances are made by non-
aired: Abbr. Key fortress 7 Eagle’s place 29 Bluster person assholes. But since it is the reaction of the advanced-
43 Occult practice
8 Nonessential 30 1981 adventure 50 Deere upon that determines asshole status (i.e., if she wants
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 44 Sci-fi
9 Like a mai tai film hero preservation
competitor to f--k you then you're not an asshole), and since you
S C O O P
E R N S C H M O 10 Picture 31 Bugs technique 51 Brief interruption can't know if an advance is unwelcome until after
C O N G A
T A O C L A R K 11 “A Different 54 One of the you've made it, you have to risk sounding like an ass-
32 Ancient mariner? 46 Outdoor party
A D I E U
H O T S H O W E R Read on Life” Ringling
B E T E L
G E U S E U S D A magazine 33 Broadcaster 47 Percy Bysshe
hole or you'll never get laid. No one ever gets laid with-
Brothers
S C
A L L O P E D 12 One holding a 35 Dessert style Shelley, e.g. out sounding like an asshole every once in a while. So
57 Naughty boy, in
E S E E
L S B A L I H A I ball, maybe 37 Squeezed 48 Airport no-no “Toy Story” are you an asshole? There's only one way to find out:
X P R I E Z G A L L E O N S 13 ___ Grand Hit on her. Be respectful and upbeat about it, and do it
I R I N A
H A D I S O N E (supermarket at an appropriate moment (after-work drinks?), and
For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
L I C E N
S E D E S T H E R brand) credit card, 1-800-814-5554. wait until she's no longer employed at the place where
E T H A N
O L S U I A X E 18 1962 hit with
R E
I M B U R S E the lyric “Kiss
Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday you work, particularly if she works under you. But risk
crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
E T O N L E O T O L S T O Y me mucho”
Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
sounding like an asshole, COTJ, or you'll never get
S U P E R S T A R A S I D E 24 Wainscot past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year). laid.
O B E S E E R A N I K E S section Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young [email protected]
S A N T O D D S D E I S M 25 Newton, for one solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

22 DECEMBER 6, 2006
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marketers to work in our outbound call center. on the road today. Less than 13k miles. Check rior room. It has a gray interior with cloth seats.
shops, get pictures with Santa, Capital City country and classic rock band. Must know Houre are M-F, 4-9 p.m. Hourly wages plus
NORTHEAST 2BD/2.5BA TOWNHOUSE. it out at www.freewebs.com/myfxdwg. It has power locks, windows, extra luggage
Corvette Club car show, music, poetry read- dynamics and be able to play at supper club commission; earn up to $16 per hour. Please rack, alloy wheels, matching mirrors (not plas-
ing, caroling, store sales, Special Olympics Includes cable, alarm, & water. $700/mo. Call $12,500 obo. Call Travis at 803-920-2659.
volume. Ask for Libby or Jerry after 6 pm. Call 803-240-0417 contact Melissa at (803) 333-0613 to schedule tic), fog lights, cruise control, traction control,
fundraising event & much more… 783-3197 or [email protected] an interview. and much more. Contact 803.609.2108

su|do|ku Fill in the grid so that every row, column and

3X3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9

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