Why we need to have the right conversation on sex and gender with our children

The #BoisLockerRoom controversy sent shockwaves across the country and is a grim reminder that we need to rethink the conversations we are having with teenagers and youngsters at home.
In the age of social media and online chat rooms, discussing sex, gender and consent with teenagers has become extremely important for parents. In a webinar with Pune Times and Bombay Times, panellists Dr Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist, TEDx speaker and consultant for Lilavati Hospital, Mini Mathur, TV host and actor, Dr Sarita Iyer, dean of Krupanidhi School of Management, Bengaluru, Harnidh Kaur, social commentator and ex policy worker and Rahul Krishan Ahuja, cybercrime expert and consultant, spoke about the changes both parenting and the education system needs to undergo, in order to start a dialogue with the young minds.

The session, titled ‘Are we having the right conversation on sex and gender with our children?’, was moderated by Nikhil Taneja, co-founder and CEO, Yuvaa and Global Advisory Board of Goalkeepers (Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation). Excerpts from the discussion:

Nikhil started the discussion by asking the panel to talk about the reason that may have led the teens to sexualise and objectify young women. Dr Varkha Chulani insisted that one needs to look deeper into the psyche of the teenagers, instead of looking at it just through sexual or moral lenses. “We need to understand sex as a psycho-sexual aspect. The bridge between being accepted and belonging to a certain group, particularly teens, who constantly feel that they are being isolated and not being accepted, is what makes them resort to such acts or behaviour. The parental style at home where everyone is busy on their screens and living their own lives; there is very little sense of belongingness and lack of engagement within the walls of our homes. Hence, teens resort to thing like being a part of a group like #BoisLockerRoom. This is actually a cry for help,” Dr Varkha said.
She further explained that youngsters often tend to post, share and comment objectionable content online to grab attention, or at least get noticed. She said, “While teenage boys look at it as a way to appear macho, girls try to look provocative and seductive in the way they portray themselves on social media. These are ramifications of unfortunate loneliness, isolation, alienation from themselves and their families that they are living with today.”

TV presenter and actress Mini Mathur, who is a mother to a 17-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter, highlighted that incidents like the #BoisLockerRoom controversy are a manifestation of what teenagers have learnt over the years, the onus of which completely rests on parents and educational institutes. “What children see at home is what they’re going to become for the rest of their lives,” said Mini, adding, “Let’s not be quick to react to what has happened but have perspective on why exactly this happened, and start repairing from bottom-up by having honest and open conversations with our children at home.”

Dr Sarita Iyer focused on having a dialogue around sex and consent with children from a very early age. “Today we are using heavy buzz words like toxic masculinity, bigotry, misogyny, patriarchy etc. But what’s more important is to have a normal conversation with our sons and daughters. If parents become friends, a lot of these issues can be understood and dealt with sensitively. In a lot of Indian families, discussing sex is taboo. I don’t understand why! When children don’t get their answers from you, they venture to find them on the internet. In classrooms too, no subject should be taboo,” asserted Dr Sarita.

Harnish Kaur, on her part, said that we need to question the system that prevents us from questioning so that children can raise an alarm when needed. “It is not just about having honest conversations around sex, consent or harassment, but also building a culture where one can question openly. I don’t know how many parents encourage their children to ask questions. When you demand your children to accept the status quo at home, how do you expect there to be ‘checks and balances’ in a social system? In a culture where saying something doesn’t give one any benefit, and toeing the lines does give one companionship, kids go ahead and toe the line. Instead of demanding answers from youngsters, we must ask ourselves, ‘What makes them so vulnerable?’ or ‘Why are they seeking validation or companionship online or in such groups?” highlighted Harnidh.