Getting over him all over again

Tuesday | July 9, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Getting over him all over again

Hello Meredith,

I am in my 30s. I broke up with my ex more than a year ago after he told me he was no longer interested in me. He was unkind about it.

We recently got together, though, and hooked up. He criticized me for not changing since the breakup. I’ve been going through the loss of family members, and he didn’t care about that.

After getting together again, I know he’s seeing other people. I’m not sure if he’s telling me the truth about whether he’s actually single or in a relationship with any of these women.

I decided to stop hooking up with him, but I am upset about this – again. Any advice on moving on?

– Again

1. Block him. You don’t need to see his social media. Drop all investigations about what he’s doing now.

2. Consider this post-breakup experience proof that you made the right call long ago. There’s no potential for a better version of this relationship. Everything that happened in Round 2 makes it clear he’s not your guy.

3. Think about ways to get help (beyond this column). You’re grieving – not only the relationship, but other losses. You’re having feelings about so many things; it could be wonderful to talk to someone who can listen and help you process them. Ask your insurance company or doctor what counseling is available. Sometimes a local hospital can give you a list of their own programs.

4. Do one thing you like that’s just for you. Maybe take a class or start volunteering at a local organization. A new activity can connect you to friends, romantic partners, and give you a something different to think about. Learning something new can make the world seem bigger.

5. As you get help and deal with the sad feelings, think about why you got together with this man again. Was it boredom? Loneliness? Curiosity about whether anything had changed? Consider your motives and you might figure out what you need to move on.

My guess is that the exploration will lead you back to No. 4 – that you’d benefit from more things to do, better company, and new ways to feel engaged.

– Meredith

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Featured Comment

Dear LW,

After a year broken up it’s unfortunate that you made the choice to hook up with him. At least you made a wise decision to stop it after he was critical of you, and knowing you can’t trust him. The most important aspect about that is understanding why you made that choice in the first place, because obviously it had nothing to do with him. It was about how you felt about yourself-your self esteem. IMO that’s well worth more understanding and not something you should ignore.

Feelings of sadness/loneliness/anger/resentment/abandonment are all completely normal after a loss of any kind, and it sounds like you’ve had more than your share recently. I assume you dealt with these feelings (in some ways) the first time you broke up with him, so in theory that experience should help. But if you feel stuck this time- and especially because it’s compounded by other losses, please talk with someone. Make the investment in yourself.

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