Breaking Free Workbook

BY THE SAME AUTHORS
Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller
BREAKING FREE
A Recovery Workbook for
Facing Codependence
Pia Mellody
and Andrea Wells Miller
Harp er One
An Imprint o/HarperCollinsP»Z>Zis/>ers
HarperOnc
breaking frbe: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. Copyright © 1989 by

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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBUCATION DATA
Mellody Pia.
Breaking free : a recovery workbook for facing codependence / Pia Mellody and
Andrea Wells Miller. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-0-06-250590-3
1. Codependents—Rehabilitation. 2. Self-care, Health.
I. Miller, Andrea Wells, II. Title.
RC569.5.C63M44 1989
616.86—dc20 88-45979
11 12 RRD(H) 50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43
Contents
Introduction BY PIA mellody vii
Breaking Free from Denial: Helpful Hints as You Begin xi
partI B eyond Denial About Your History of Abuse 1

Your History of Abuse 3
How That Abuse Affected You 13
part 2 Beyond Denial About Your Codependence 23

Introduction 25
Step One 28
Step Two 93
Step Three 101
Step Four 117
Step Five 160
Step Six 164
Step Seven 221
Step Eight 228
Step Nine 240
Step Ten 263
Step Eleven 280
Step Twelve 290
part 3 Beyond Denial About Your Recovery 299

Introduction 301
Affirming Your Self-Esteem 303
Setting External Boundaries 316
Setting Internal Boundaries 327
Owning Your Own Reality 353
Acknowledging and Meeting Your Own Needs and Wants 369
Experiencing and Expressing Your Reality Moderately 390
Recovering from Unmanageable Consequences 400
A Final Note 423
The examples presented in this book are based
on true case histories, but the names and
identifying details have been changed to
protect the identities of the people involved.
Introduction
In Facing Codependence I define codependence as the lack of those functional

internal habit patterns regarding the body, thinking, feeling, and behavior that
are necessary to be a mature adult capable of having healthy relationships and
finding a reasonable level of comfort in life.
This workbook is for people who want a self-help tool to assist in their
recovery from codependence. It is a companion to Facing Codependence:
What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives, which
describes in detail the structure of the disease and where I believe it comes
from.
I wrote this workbook to help people work through the initial sense of
overwhelming devastation that often comes as they first become aware of the
disease of codependence. I believe that at least four factors cause these over
whelming feelings:
1. The sheer number of symptoms identified as stemming from this

disease.
2. The beginning awareness of how the disease got set up as you adapted
to childhood experiences that were less than nurturing. This new
awareness is especially crushing when the defenses used to protect
yourself from the reality of what happened to you start to fail, and real
ity hits home.
3. The realization of the scope of the problem—how extensively the

issues are affecting your life.
4. The seemingly slow progress you make in recovery, largely because

much of the progress you do make is hidden by denial or minimized.
This fourth factor is curious and very important. Conducting life in the
disease feels normal to a codependent. As you work at recovery, it is easier to
be in the disease than to be functional. Being functional (acting in your own
best interest) feels awful, shameful, as if you are doing something wrong. But
vii
viii I BREAKING FREE
in recovery you begin to see that what you thought was normal is actually
dysfunctional, and you begin to notice yourself thinking, feeling, and acting in
dysfunctional ways a lot. You learned to operate in this “normal” but dysfunc
tional way in childhood. You have been acting this way a long time and will
find yourself continuing because it has been your standard operating procedure
all along. This awareness is part of the process of recovery, and this book was
designed to help you start to recover and to work against the experience of
being overwhelmed and in denial, delusion, or minimization regarding your
own recovery.
In my recovery, I found two avenues for help. One was therapy to (1) work
on repressed and dissociated memories of childhood trauma, (2) work through
shame core issues, and (3) be confronted regarding my disordered thinking
and behavior. The second avenue involved using self-help tools that com
plemented what I was doing in therapy.
This workbook is designed to enhance self-help activities, although ther
apists can also use it to enhance work with a client whom they are treating for
codependence. I believe that if you can write down (1) the scope of the problem
(childhood trauma), (2) how you adapted so you came to see the disease as
“normal,” (3) how the disease works in your life today, and (4) most important,
how you are actively changing, the balance will change so that you will begin
to see more of your recovery rather than only the enormity of the disease.
This was true for me, and every exercise I suggest here I have done. This
workbook is my gift to you born out of my life experience.
Using This Workbook

This workbook goes hand in hand with Facing Codependence. We have made
no attempt to reproduce all the information covered in Facing Codependence,
but instead provide chapter and page references from Facing Codependence
for background reading before you begin each exercise.
This workbook is organized around the three phases of recovery. Part 1 is
designed to help you look at what happened in childhood and how you
responded as a child, adapted to your dysfunctional family system, and devel
oped the roots of your illness. Part 2 is structured to help you see how you are
acting out your disease today, using the Twelve-Step process as a guide. Part
3 is set up to assist your recovery with exercises you can work through to con
front your core symptoms, and use as a means of tracking your progress.
PART 1: BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT YOUR HISTORY OF ABUSE
Many codependents do not know that some of the things they experienced in
their family of origin that seemed normal were, in fact, abusive and led to
codependence. Seeing the total picture of your abusive childhood experience
helps you move from minimization and denial into embracing reality. Provid
ing that picture is the purpose of this part of the workbook.
INTRODUCTION I ix
Please note that recording your history here is not an occasion for attempt
ing to reexperience profound or repressed feelings. It is merely a place to write
down the information. If such feelings come up, it is a part of recovery to be
able to connect them to specific incidents. However, overwhelming feelings are
best handled with the help of a therapist.
PART 2: BEYOND THE DENIAL ABOUT YOUR CODEPENDENCE
Part 2 is a guideline five developed for applying the Twelve Steps specifically
to codependence. If you’ve seen some other guideline and want to use it, that’s
fine. But I believe it is important for each of us to write about the disease and
how it looks in our own lives.
In the groups I lead and with the codependents I know, I use this motto:
“Hug your demons or they’ll bite you in the ass.” To move into recovery you
must begin identifying these adult codependency issues and do something
about them or they will continue to interfere with your life through your rela
tionships with others and, most important, with yourself. If you expect any
body else to address them for you, you will probably stay stuck, lost, and sick.
Nobody else is supposed to do this work for you, and no one else can.
While it is true that your parents were responsible for helping you become
a functional adult by exposing you to reality and treating you functionally and
respectfully, it is necessary in recovery not to blame them for the condition of
your life today. You must take charge of your own symptoms and recovery, by
confronting your core symptoms, establishing functional habits, and thereby
becoming an adult. This process is an act of taking charge of your life, or
empowering yourself. Although acting in your own best interest may feel terri
ble at first, later as you get used to the experience of empowering and valuing
yourself, it will feel very good.
PART 3: BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY
The third part of this workbook is designed to help you confront within your
self each core symptom of codependence: inappropriate levels of self-esteem,
impaired boundaries, difficulty owning your reality, difficulty meeting your
own needs and wants, and difficulty moderating your reality, expressing it at
the appropriate age level. By confronting the symptoms, I mean beginning to
take steps to recover from them, such as becoming aware of each symptom,
then becoming able to intervene when they are operating, and doing exercises
to strengthen your ability to intervene. I also include ways to write about your
recovery from five different unmanageable consequences of the core symp
toms. I have found that most people have a hard time staying aware of what
the problems are unless they do a written Step One. In my experience, writing
out Step One as outlined in part 2 before using any of the other means of con
fronting the symptoms of codependence is the most effective approach to
recovery. The information you collect about your disease by writing out Step
x / BREAKING FREE
One provides a necessary foundation for recovery, and writing it down helps
you stay aware of the difficulties you experience because of codependence.
How Long Should You Spend

Working on This Process?
This workbook is not intended to be something you can complete in an evening
or even in two weeks. This process may take up to six months or more, because
the information comes to our awareness gradually. It may be that you do some
writing one day, then several weeks later receive a new piece of information as
you begin to see more about how the illness is operating.
Recovery is a process, not an event. I believe that by moving through these
pages at your own pace, writing all you can about each issue, and beginning
to put into practice in your own life the suggestions given here, you will begin
to find help in recovering from codependence.
Pia Mellody
Breaking Free from Denial:
Helpful Hints as You Begin
As you begin this workbook, you will find it very helpful to become aware of
ways your mind and body can either hinder or help your search for information
about your codependence and healing from it. Following are some hints about
recognizing defense mechanisms that can obstruct your progress, and ways
your body can release information to you that can lead to clearer memories
about your childhood. This section also suggests ground rules for doing the
exercises. Find a quiet place to read for thirty minutes and complete the read
ing assignments in this section before beginning Part 1.
Recognizing Defense Mechanisms
Background Chapter 9 of Facing Codependence. (Please read this chapter before con
tinuing.)
Reading Codependence has some built-in obstacles that can get in the way of your
being able to make any real and lasting changes. They are the same protective
devices you developed in childhood to color the reality of what was happening
to you to make it more pleasant or put the painful reality out of mind so you
could survive. I think you can move through the obstacles more easily if you
are at least aware of them and ready to accept that they are operating in you.
In Facing Codependence, I deal with six defense mechanisms, divided
into two groups. The first group consists of suppression, repression, and the
more profound defense of dissociation. The second group includes minimiza
tion, denial, and the more profound defense of delusion. Descriptions and
examples of each one are in the assigned background reading.
Part 1 of this workbook is a guideline for reviewing your childhood expe
riences to see how they created your codependence. The more you can become
consciously aware of what happened to you in childhood, the easier your
recovery will be. So it’s very important to go back over your past memories and
xi
xii / BREAKING FREE
begin to work through the various defense mechanisms you have developed so
you can recapture important events you have lost. (This process of dealing
with your defense mechanisms and what they are trying to conceal continues
for the rest of your life, by the way.)
DEFENSES ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONFUSING AND/OR

DISTRESSING BEHAVIOR
Because of this network of defenses that hides or camouflages any behavior or

memory that might be threatening to the reputation of your family system, you
might find that as an adult you exhibit behavior that is confusing or distressing
to you. Or you may find yourself married to a person who is dysfunctional and
abusive, yet you stay in the relationship anyway. And since you have little or
no clear memory of what happened in your family of origin, it’s hard to see that
you may have married someone who can help you reproduce all or parts of the
familiar abusive system in which you were raised. Instead, you may believe
you’re crazy, which is the primary complaint that codependents offer when
they first come for help. “I feel nuts. Something’s not connected.”
Part of feeling crazy is due to not being conscious of your history, which
is extremely important to you and which can be the doorway to freedom from
its control. Being aware that these defense mechanisms are obstacles to free
dom, and that they continue to operate in you as part of codependence, can
help you begin to recognize specific occurrences of them in your own adult life
and become aware of how they may be blocking you from seeing not only your
history but also your current symptoms and their unmanageable consequences.
So it is a critical part of recovery for you to know the following:
■ What the defense mechanisms are
• How they work in your life
Your recovery will also be helped by accepting these facts:
• These defenses still operate in adult codependents.
• Your own defenses are usually invisible to you.
■ For recovery, you must allow other trusted people to confront those
defenses by telling you when they think you are using them.
• Although it will be hard and you may feel fear or anger at the time, you
must listen to these confrontations in order to break through the defenses
to recovery.
Here is a brief review of the defenses you read about in Facing Codependence,
chapter 9.
SUPPRESSION, REPRESSION, AND DISSOCIATION
The first three defenses are suppression, repression, and dissociation. When
HELPFUL HINTS / xiii
these are still operating in you in adulthood, they remove much of your history
from your conscious mind.
Suppression is consciously choosing to forget things that are too painful to
remember. You make a decision to put the memory away, or to “forget,” so that
you don’t have to feel the painful or unacceptable feelings associated with it.
Repression is automatically and unconsciously forgetting things that are
too painful to remember. Such painful and frightening memories are “automat
ically” shifted into the unconscious mind where they are “lost” or hidden.
A child using dissociation psychologically takes his or her emotional and
mental self away somewhere where the abuse is not experienced in full. In
other words, the child no longer experiences the abuse at the intense emotional
and mental level at which the physical pain is felt, although the physical body
of the child is still being abused.
Children usually reserve dissociation to survive abuse they believe is life
threatening, such as incest, molestation, or being beaten until they think the
beating is going to kill them. The fear is either that who they are is going to
be destroyed, or that they’ll be physically destroyed.
MINIMIZATION, DENIAL, AND DELUSION
Minimization, denial, and delusion are the other three defense mechanisms we
are discussing. When these operate in you as an adult, they allow you to have
your history, but cause you to skew it or distort it so that you can’t see it
accurately.
These are most often used in the adult stage of life. An adult doing abusive
things to his or her children uses minimization, denial, and delusion to avoid
feeing the reality that his or her actions are abusive. And the “adult child” who
must emotionally deal with the memories of his or her childhood uses these
three defenses to avoid the painful reality that his or her beloved parent was
abusive and his or her childhood was not “wonderful.”
Minimization means you see what happened to you as less serious or
important than it would be had the same thing happened to someone else.
Denial is in operation when you can see and grasp certain realities in other
people’s lives, but can’t see that the same realities apply in your own life. You
have intellectual awareness of the abusive event, but can’t feel any feelings
about it. You might agree that something was abusive for another person, but
say, “In my case that happened, but it wasn’t abusive to me.”
Delusion is a process that is more profound and serious. Delusion means
you believe something in spite of the fects, which means you hear the facts but
don’t assign the proper meaning to them. A person in delusion can hear or read
that a certain situation is abusive for a child and just disregard the information,
believing that the situation isn’t abusive for anyone.
A serious problem with delusion is that like all the other defenses, it’s
invisible to you and you don’t know you are deluded. This is a very dangerous
and vulnerable position to be in, since reality itself and anyone with a strong
sense of reality tend to threaten the view you have of your world. So people in
xiv I BREAKING FREE
delusion tend to isolate themselves from those who might reveal the truth about
their lives.
Often the resistance to acknowledging something as abusive stems from
the fact that the person is repeating the same abuse to his or her own children
and doesn’t want to recognize it as abusive. People in this situation can’t see
that they are resisting. They just stick to the “facts” of their own deluded view.
Ground Rules for Gathering Information
Background Chapter 8 of Facing Codependence.

To begin the recovery process, you must recapture memories of abusive
Reading incidents in your childhood. The following is a condensed review of the guide
lines you read in Facing Codependence that will help keep you focused on this
information-gathering task and make it easier.
1. Look only at your life from birth to age seventeen.
2. Identify the major caregivers who did the abusive things to you. Major
caregivers are the people who were in a position of power or control
over you and had access to you to abuse you (for example, parents,
grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, older siblings, doctors,
counselors, priests, nuns, ministers, scout leaders, teachers, babysit
ters, even strangers who may have frightened you).
3. Avoid focusing on whether the person who did the abuse meant to
harm you or not. When you’re at the point of getting your history
straight, it is actually irrelevant whether somebody meant to abuse you
or not, and my experience has been that the majority of major
caregivers who abuse children do not mean to.
4. Do not blame the major caregiver for your codependence. The purpose
of looking at who abused you is to be able to hold them accountable in
your mind and separate the act of abuse done to you from any sense you
may have of being inferior or responsible for it.
Blame means you believe you have the problems you have because
of what somebody else did to you. This gives power to the offender and
renders you, the victim, powerless-without the ability to protect your
self or change. Therefore, blaming will keep you stuck in the disease
and will probably make you worse.
Accountability means you acknowledge that the abuse happened and
who did it, but you can do what you need to do to protect yourself and
make the changes necessary to recover from the abuse of your past.
This attitude gives you the power to move into recovery and develop
tools with which to deal with life, whether the offender ever changes or
not.
HELPFUL HINTS I xv
5. Do not compare your history to someone else’s. Such comparison can

quickly lead to minimization and denial. Whatever happened to you
was important. If it seemed as though it was abusive to you, it was
abusive.
6. Strike these four words from your vocabulary as you describe your his
tory: good, bad, right, and wrong. They’re very judgmental words and
using them makes it hard to hold anybody you care for accountable for
what they did.
Instead, when describing behavior that was very painful and less
than nurturing, use the word dysfunctional. And when you talk about
behavior that was nurturing, that helped you feel good about yourself,
use the word Junctional. In addition to the term dysfunctional, I also
use the terms abusive and less than nurturing throughout this work
book to mean the same thing.
7. Keep your focus on your caregivers, NOT on yourself as a caregiver.

Focusing on your behavior toward your own children at this point can
interfere with your recovery because you’re so busy focusing on how
“horrible” you are that you don’t have to look at your own abuse issues
from your history.
Aids to Recovering Memories

I have found two helpful indicators that, if followed, often lead to recovery of
buried memories: body memories and feeling memories. These are like secu
rity passwords to a carefully guarded computer program. Once the computer
operator enters the password into the computer, the program can be accessed.
In a similar way, once you recognize a feeling or body memory, you may be
able to follow that memory and gain access to data in the unconscious mind
about abuse you suppressed, repressed, or dissociated from when it originally
happened. The body can allow you to return a lost memory to the conscious
mind via a physical or emotional sensation that can’t be explained by anything
that’s actually happening to you at that moment. This valuable data can then be
brought to your conscious mind (with the help of a skillful therapist) so that
you can work through the feelings around the memory and begin to heal from
it.
A body memory is a sudden unusual physical symptom that doesn’t appear
to be related to any physical cause at the moment. For example, you may be sit
ting comfortably, reading this book, but all of a sudden get a piercing pain in
your head, or feel dizzy, or feel a wave of nausea. Perhaps your arm suddenly
aches as if it had been kicked, or your throat hurts as if someone were choking
you. Suddenly, you may sense a hand on the back of your neck pinching you
or feel a pain in the area of your groin. Such sensations are body memories.
A feeling memory is a sudden overwhelming emotional experience that
also cannot be explained by anything that you are aware of at the moment.
xvi I BREAKING FREE
Feeling memories surface in the form of four primary emotions: anger, fear,
pain, and shame. I also call feeling memories “feeling attacks,” since they seem
to come suddenly and uninvited out of nowhere. When a feeling attack comes
in the form of anger, it is a “rage attack.” When it’s in the form of fear, it’s a
“panic attack” or a “paranoia attack.” A feeling memory of pain is a sudden
overwhelming sense of hopelessness, often followed by a thought of suicide.
And a feeling memory of shame (called a “shame attack”) is a sudden, pro
found, almost overwhelming sense of being less-than, worthless, inadequate,
bad, stupid, or ugly (such words about yourself often come to you in the
process of a shame attack). A feeling memory is almost always experienced as
an overwhelming feeling.
These two current manifestations of buried memory (body and feeling
memories) indicate to me that'our minds are so powerful that although we can
bury memories in our unconscious mind and “know but not know,” our bodies
never forget and will keep trying to let us see the truth about ourselves.
Many times these feeling and body memories can be used as doorways to
take you back into remembering what really did happen in your childhood and
retrieving long-repressed events in your personal history.
SPONTANEOUS REGRESSION
As you learned in the background reading, spontaneous regression takes place

almost always in a therapeutic situation that is guided by the counselor. I
described it so that you will know what it is, but since you are merely writing
about your history in this book, your emotional experience will be less intense
than that experienced in therapy, and thus will probably not be intense enough
to trigger such a regression.
If you should find yourself experiencing a regression, however, contact in
person or on the telephone someone who will understand this phenomenon.
Tell the person that you were reading about abuse or writing about your history
when all of a sudden you started having these intense feelings; then describe
the feelings. This will usually bring you back in touch with the present. If the
feelings persist, call someone with therapeutic training and ask that person for
help.
Recovery Begins
with Putting' Your History Together
Reviewing your life from birth to age seventeen with regard to what happened
between you and your major caregivers (without blaming or worrying about
whether these caregivers intended to hurt you) is a way to begin to put your his
tory together. Other subtle but powerful ways of getting in touch with these
important memories include listening to people in a therapy group tell about
their histories or tell you what defenses they see you using; following body and
HELPFUL HINTS / xvii
feeling memories; and (in therapy) experiencing regressions. Memories that

have been consigned to the unconscious mind by suppression, repression, and
dissociation, or distorted by minimization, denial, and delusion can be
retrieved as the first steps toward healing the precious child within who experi
enced them.
In the first part of this workbook, you begin to focus on specific less-than-
nurturing experiences in your childhood. You begin to see how the illness of
codependence operated in your family of origin and how within that family you
adapted into a codependent.
BREAKING FREE
Part 1
Beyond Denial
About Your
History of Abuse
Your History of Abuse
Purpose of The experience of abuse in childhood is the root of the illness of codepen
dence. I believe the recovery process begins by looking at the beginning of the
Exercise disease-which is in childhood. A dysfunctional, less-than-nurturing, abusive
system could not help you mature. Instead, that environment caused you to
adapt so that your parents could be comfortable. You adapted yourself into the
habits that make up codependence.
I believe that examining the specific events that make up your history as a
codependent serves three important purposes:
1. Writing about your history shows you how your parents’ attitude toward
and treatment of you affected each specific characteristic you had as a
child: your sense of value, your vulnerability, your imperfection, your
dependency, and your sense of how to act your age. As you bring up
these incidents and remember them, you can begin to see exactly the
moment when the abuse was creating your disease.
2. Writing about specific events enables you to connect your feelings to

your history. When you were a child, you felt pain, fear, anger, or
shame about'what was being done to you that was abusive, even though
you did not know it was abusive. Children in an abusive family system
rarely get to talk about the feelings they’re having, because often if they
express their feelings, their parents go out of control and react abu
sively to them. So they have to hold the feelings in, and the feelings
collect and increase in intensity throughout the childhood years.
Some children go through childhood constantly overloaded with
intense emotions. Other children defend themselves from overwhelm
ing emotions by freezing their feeling reality. By this I mean they
deaden their conscious awareness of the feelings in the body.
However, strong emotions do not go away but remain within you
looking for some form of expression. As Tve often heard in recovery
groups, you can either act them out, stuff them, or deal with them
appropriately. As a codependent you experience unhealthy expressions
3
4 / BREAKING FREE
of these old feelings in the form of surprising explosive feeling attacks

such as rage, panic, debilitating shame, or depression. You may also
experience unnecessary illnesses due to the stress of keeping the feel
ings locked away inside you.
To recover, you must release from your body the childhood feel
ings you had about being abused. To deal with all these powerful old
feelings, you must bring the feelings to your consciousness, feel them
in your body, acknowledge the feelings mentally by connecting them to
what happened to you, verbalize them, and let yourself stay in the feel
ings while someone supports you by listening. You must allow the child
you were to talk through the adult part of yourself about what happened
and how you felt about it.
The only way you can connect the feelings to what happened is to
know what happened. The purpose of writing your history down is to
reconnect those lost feelings with what happened.
All that is necessary for this process is to describe what happened
in as much detail as you can remember, and then connect the feelings
to the memory by naming the emotions you felt then and feel now.
“This is what happened to me and I am angry and hurt about that now”
(or whatever your feelings were at the time and are now).
If you just say generally, “My childhood was awful. I have a lot of
pain about that and I’m not going to talk about it again because I don’t
want to get back into it,” you can’t go through this healing process of
resolving the feelings connected directly to specific memories.
Many people fear that opening themselves up to these feelings will
either overwhelm them or leave them in a permanent state of feeling
intense anger, pain, fear, and shame. But this isn’t true. Tve worked
with people who go through this process repeatedly. Each time they
do, I see that their feelings are a little less intense, until they can tell
the story of what happened without having intense feelings. Reex
periencing those feelings (or perhaps experiencing them for the first
time) for the purpose of resolving them by this process will bring
relief. It is by this process of letting yourself experience these child
hood feelings that you release them.
3. Writing about your childhood experiences enables you to look at how

you recreate the same emotional atmosphere today. A well-
documented characteristic of people who were raised in dysfunctional
families is that they often choose to relate to people who create the
same emotional atmosphere they knew in their family of origin. They
recreate many of the dynamics of their childhood dysfunctional family
system in their lives today. Recovery becomes much more difficult
because as the things that happened in childhood are recreated in their
adult lives, they start reacting to the people they are living with now the
way they reacted back then.
You must identify how your family of origin operated so you can
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE I 5
change the way you handle relationships in your life today. If you don’t
go back and look at the dysfunctional dynamics of your family of ori
gin, it is virtually impossible to look at the dysfunctional conduct
going on in your family today.
My guess is that most of us recreate childhood dynamics in our
adult relationships in an effort to resolve those old painful and often
denied feelings. The problem is that the feelings cannot be resolved in
this way. Instead, the intensity of our feelings increases.
Eventually, if you’re in touch with your feelings, you sense you’re in
the same old problems, so you leave the relationship, thinking you just
need a different relationship to avoid this problem. Instead of resolving
feelings, you wind up blaming other people in your life for what’s
going on with you. You’ve recreated the same family dynamics and
have surrounded yourself with people who produce the same emo
tional atmosphere, so you do not have healthy, functional relationships.
Keep in mind as you begin to go through your memories of childhood that

it is vital to begin to identify the feelings you had as a child and also the ones
you still have today when you remember those incidents. Do not skip this
section.
However, it is important to note that this is only a beginning point for
recovery. As you work through this section you may feel worse for a while
because of all the emotions you are identifying and feeling. When you move on
to part 2 and look at what is going on in your adult life and how to intervene
in that, you will start to feel better emotionally. Resist the temptation to stay
stuck in these feelings related to childhood experiences.
This section of the workbook provides space to write down your memo
ries of abusive incidents, so that in later sections you can connect the memories
to your feelings and then go through the process of resolution. It is not intended
for you to go into the process of resolving the feelings now. However, while
writing these memories, you may tap into some old feelings, but that is part of
the process of recovery. Even though the feelings are intense, they must be
connected to the specific events for you to get beyond the feelings.
If you should tap into some feelings, continue to write while feeling them.
Your face may feel flushed and hot from shame, you may have tears running
down your face from pain, or you may feel your heart beating from fear or
anger, but as long as these feelings are reasonable in intensity and do not
impair your thinking process, continue writing. If the feelings are too powerful
or overwhelming for you to. think clearly or write well, stop writing and con
tact someone safe such as your sponsor, a nonjudgmental friend, or your ther
apist if you have one. Tell that person what you were doing, the incident you
were thinking about, and what feelings you are having. If the feelings remain
unresolved and you stay upset or they come and go as days go by, I recommend
that you talk to a professional counselor about the situation.
6 / BREAKING FREE
Background In Facing Codependence, I have divided abuse into five categories. Each cate
gory should be examined as you go through your childhood memories to write
Reading about your less-than-nurturing experiences. Before you begin to write about
each category, read the corresponding chapter in Facing Codependence.
Physical abuse: chapter 10
Sexual abuse: chapter 11
Emotional abuse: chapter 12
Intellectual abuse: chapter 13
Spiritual abuse: chapter 14
What To Do In the blank chart that follows, list examples of abuse you experienced during
childhood (age: birth to seventeen). For one caregiver at a time, write about
every instance of abuse you can remember with that caregiver in each of the
five areas of abuse. Do this in the following manner:
1. Name one caregiver.
2. Take one kind of abuse and list all the incidents you remember involv
ing the caregiver. List them in chronological order from your youngest
age to your oldest.
3. Describe briefly what happened in each case.
4. List one or more emotions you felt about each incident at the time, and
how you feel now as you remember it. (To keep this exercise simple,
select from these four feelings: shame, anger, fear, pain. For example,
sadness and loneliness would be forms of pain, anxiety a form of fear,
and rage a form of anger.)
5. After you complete the first abuse category, list the next one and all the
incidents in that category involving the same caregiver. Again, list
them in chronological order.
6, Continue working with your memory of that caregiver until you have
worked through each kind of abuse.
7. Then list the next caregiver and start over with the first category of
abuse.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE / 7
EXAMPLE
TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FELT

ABUSE DID IT AGE WHAT HAPPENED THEN NOW
Physical Mom 4 Slapped my face when I called my pain anger

2-year-old sister a dummy. shame pain
shame
Intellectual H 4-12 Ibid me I was stupid. fear shame

pain anger
shame pain
Emotional H 10 Told me not to cry when my dog died. fear shame

fear
anger
Sexual H 14- Made me talk to her after dates. shame shame

17 Made me tell her details about my anger anger
sexual conduct.
Spiritual M 6 Accused me of stealing money from shame shame

her, then found the money but did fear fear
not tell me or apologize. My big anger RAGE
brother told me she found it. She pain pain
could not admit mistakes to me.
8 / BREAKING FREE
My History of Childhood Abuse

>
TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FEET

10 / BREAKING FREE

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
•
TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YO U FELT

12 / BREAKING FREE

How That Abuse Affected ¥?u
Purpose of When beginning to construct a picture of your childhood history, it is helpful

to review not only how your family was less than nurturing, but also how dys
Exercise functional parenting led to your codependence. This section provides space to
look at how your experience of abuse began to set up your disease of
codependence.
Background Chapters 5 and 6 of Facing Codependence.

Every child has certain universal traits when he or she is bom. The child
Reading cannot choose to be otherwise. These characteristics are the foundation for
becoming a mature, functional adult. If the child’s parents do not understand
and encourage (accept and direct rather than reject and coerce to change) these
as natural, normal characteristics then the parents are very likely to abuse
their child through dysfunctional parenting techniques. Thus, a child can suffer
profound damage through the stunting or negating of these crucial given
characteristics.
These five characteristics of the child and their folly developed expression
in a mature adult are outlined in the charts on the following page.
13
14 / BREAKING FREE
A Child Is Naturally . .. A Mature, Functional Adult Is. . .
VALUABLE Self-esteeming from inside
VULNERABLE Vulnerable, with protection
IMPERFECT Able to embrace self as perfectly imperfect and be

accountable for imperfection that damages others.
Able to look to a Higher Power for help with
imperfections.
DEPENDENT Interdependent
(NEEDING, WANTING)
IMMATURE Mature at own age level
The core symptoms of codependence that develop out of experiencing

less-than-nurturing parenting during childhood are as follows:
A Child Is Naturally . . . A Codependent Adult Has . . .
VALUABLE Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of

self-esteem
VULNERABLE Difficulty setting functional boundaries
IMPERFECT Difficulty owning and expressing own reality
DEPENDENT Difficulty taking care of own needs and wants

(NEEDING, WANTING)
IMMATURE Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality

moderately and at appropriate age level
What To Do Write about how each incident of abuse you listed in the previous exercise
affected each of the five natural characteristics you had as a child: (1) your
sense of your own value, (2) your vulnerability, (3) your imperfection, (4) your
needs and wants and your ability to get help to meet them, and (5) your sense
of acting your own age. Do this in the following manner:
1. From the previous exercises, copy your first incident in the second
column of the following blank chart. Enter your age in the first column.
2. Write each of the five characteristics in the third column.
3. In the fourth column, write in your own words the message that you
received about each characteristic from the incident with your
caregiver.
4. Copy your second incident from the previous exercise, followed by

each of the five characteristics. Then put the message you received in
the fourth column.
You may find that you cannot perceive a message for each of the five
characteristics. Feel free to leave blank spaces beside characteristics for which
no message seems apparent at this time. Any message you may have gotten will
perhaps become clear to you later on.
You may find the same message recurring for a given characteristic as you
work through this exercise, or you may find that the messages were different
with different experiences.
EXAMPLE AGE EVENT CHARACTERISTIC MESSAGE
4 Mom slapped my value I am not valuable

face when I called when I express my
my 2-year-old thoughts.
sister a dummy. vulnerability My mother has the
right to hurt my
body.
imperfection There are painful
consequences
when I am
imperfect.
dependency I will be attacked
when I need
correcting.
immaturity I should act the
way an older child
would act.
16 / BREAKING FREE
How Abuse Affected Me
AGE EVENT CHARACTERISTIC MESSAGE

•
18 / BREAKING FREE

BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE / 19

20 / BREAKING FREE

Before going on to the next section, check back through the specific examples
of abuse in the previous exercise (“Your History of Abuse”) and see if you can
fill in any additional incidents and their effects on your basic characteristics.
Then go on to part 2.
Part 2
Beyond Denial
About Your
Codependence
Introduction
Now that you have a clearer picture of what went on in your childhood that
created your codependence, the next part of the solution begins with identify
ing how the distorted internal habit patterns are operating in your life in the
present.
I see codependence as a disease of immaturity, rendering a person unable
to experience appropriate levels of self-esteem, unable to set boundaries with
other people, unable to own his or her own reality, unable to take care of his
or her needs and wants appropriately, and unable to express his or her reality
moderately and at the appropriate age level.
I see the five core symptoms as developmental problems of maturation in
this way: all children have to learn certain things to eventually become adults
emotionally and mentally by the time their physical bodies mature. They must
learn to esteem themselves, to have boundaries, to own their own reality, to
take care of their needs and wants, and to express themselves with moderation.
When these functions are not developed or are developed dysfunctionally,
emotional and mental maturity does not accompany physical maturity. There
fore, I often describe codependents as “little people in big bodies.”
Those who suffer from codependence engage in dysfunctional (self-
defeating) patterns of appearing, thinking, feeling, and/or behaving that pre
vent them from experiencing relationships and life fully as mature adults. As
a result of codependence, we do not know how to relate functionally to our
selves. (Many codependents wonder “Who am I?” or are harsh, punitive, and
neglectful toward themselves, or undisciplined and self-indulgent.) We also do
not know how to relate functionally to others: a spouse, children, co-workers,
friends.
As children we do not know whether or not our caregivers are functional,
but we assume they are. So if they are dysfunctional, shaming, and insecure,
and living with them seems pain-filled, lonely, empty, or otherwise difficult,
we assume it is due to our own defects. Since contact with major caregivers
teaches us how to relate to others, the illness of codependence begins to
develop while we are living with them. We come to believe that the emotional
25
26 / BREAKING FREE
reactions and behaviors that are hallmarks of codependence are normal, and
we continue to believe so as adults. Thus, as adult codependents, we do not
recognize the silent, deadly, programmed illness of codependence operating in
our lives.
We codependents have adult-looking bodies but we lack the internal habit
patterns necessary to think, feel, and behave as adults. We have not matured
properly to be at our own age level, so we are “little people in great big bodies.”
To recognize and arrest codependence, we must become able to both experi
ence and identify it as a disease, not normalcy.
Part 2 of this workbook is designed to help you confront codependence by
using the Twelve-Step process
* as a guide.
* The Twelve-Step process uses the Twelve Steps first developed by Alcoholics Anonymous.
Codependents Anonymous supports people in recovery from codependence by means of meetings
and the same Twelve Steps, which have been adapted for codependents. To find out about meetings
in your city, check the white business pages of your telephone book for a local number. If there
is no number, contact the national office by mail or telephone. The address is Codependents
Anonymous, P.O. Box 33577, Phoenix, AZ 85067-3577. The telephone number is (602)944-0141.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 27
OVERVIEW OF CODEPENDENCE
Consequences of Core Symptoms

Natural Dysfunctional Core or Primary Secondary Dysfunctional
Characteristics Survival Traits Symptoms of Adult Symptomsf Parenting of Our
of a Child Codependence Children
Valuable Less-than Difficulty experienc Negative control Inability to

or ing appropriate (controlling the real appropriately esteem
♦Better-than levels of self-esteem ity of others for our our children
own comfort)
Vulnerable Too vulnerable Difficulty setting Resentment (having Inability to avoid

or functional a need to punish abusing our children
♦Invulnerable boundaries others for wrongs
we perceive they
have done to us)
Imperfect Bad/rebellious Difficulty owning Distorted or nonex Inability to allow

or and expressing our istent spirituality our children to have
♦Good/perfect own reality and (having difficulty their reality and be
imperfection experiencing con imperfect
nection to a power
greater than self)
Dependent Too dependent Difficulty taking Avoiding reality Inability to

(needing, wanting) or care of our adult (using addictions, appropriately nur
♦Antidependent or needs and wants physical illness, or ture our children
Needless/wantless mental illness to
avoid our own
reality)
Immature Extremely immature Difficulty experienc Impaired intimacy Inability to provide

(Chaotic) ing and expressing (having difficulty a stable environment
or our reality sharing who we are for our children
♦Overmature moderately with others and
(Controlling) hearing them share
who they are)
♦ Our culture believes that the better-than, invulnerable, perfectionistic, antidependent, and controlling person is healthy. But in fact these are
codependent characteristics and are much more difficult to treat than the characteristics at the other extreme: less-than, too vulnerable, rebellious, too
dependent, and chaotic.
t The absence of horizontal lines in this column indicates that these elements are not related one-on-one with the other items across the same horizon
tal row, but result from any combination of the core symptoms and lead to any of the dysfunctional parenting components.
“We admitted we were powerless over ourselves and th
our lives had become unmanageable.”*
I have divided Step One into two sets of exercises around the two key
powerless and unmanageable. I believe it is necessary to write about b»
you are powerless and how your life is unmanageable to fully make the
sions required by this step.
You will explore the specific way you experience powerlessness over
codependence by writing about each core symptom. You will expl
unmanageability you experience as a result of your codependence by
about what happens as a result of these symptoms.
The writing you do for Step One will provide a base of informal'
you will be using throughout the rest of the steps. The more thorough.
be at this stage, the more benefit you will get from the later steps.
Powerlessness Over Codependence
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you see more clearly how the five
symptoms of codependence are operating in your life. By getting very -
Exercises in your descriptions, you can begin to move beyond denial-out of the
awareness that “Yes, I am a codependent,” into knowing precisely which tl
feelings, and behaviors are codependent and how they are affecting yc
* The wording of this step from Codependents Anonymous is “We admitted we were >
over others, and that our lives had become unmanageable." In my opinion, however, we oi
affect our relationships with others, so I use the word ourselves in this step for the purpose
*
workbook.
28
In addition to doing the background reading assigned in this workbook,

going to Twelve-Step meetings such as Codependents Anonymous is a very
helpful way to come out of denial and delusion and stop minimizing. Listening
to people describe their experiences with these symptoms can often trigger a
realization of your own experience with a symptom. If you have an opportunity
to chair a meeting, suggest that the topic of discussion be the symptom you are
writing about. Share what you have learned about yourself so for, then listen
to the discussion. Even if you are not chairing, you can share your own discov
eries, which often prompts others to share theirs about the same problem. Of
course, meetings are beneficial for both working through the rest of the steps
and after you’ve been completely through the steps the first time. But they can
be especially helpful during your writing of Step One.
In Facing Codependence, I have identified five core or primary symptoms
of codependence that arise when a child in a dysfunctional family is not helped
to develop or mature. These core symptoms seem to describe what child abuse
actually does to a person. I look at each one as an issue of powerlessness
because when you are experiencing any specific symptom you can’t stop it
from happening. You are operating from an automatic, deeply grooved pattern,
and thus rendered powerless to act like a mature adult (for example, feeling
great shame when you make a simple mistake in front of someone). Also, the
symptoms take over without your knowing they are happening to you.
In my opinion, the first core symptom, difficulty experiencing appropriate
levels of self-esteem, is the most crucial. The second most important is
difficulty setting functional boundaries. I have found that these two core symp
toms must be treated before the other three symptoms can be adequately
addressed, so I strongly suggest taking these symptoms in the order presented
in this workbook.
Complete the suggested background reading before you write about each
symptom. Read about one symptom at a time, then do the writing about that
symptom before reading about the next symptom.
As a reminder, this exercise is not meant to be completed in an evening or
even a week of daily writing. Don’t worry if you need to spend a month or
longer on it. As your denial, minimization, and delusion gradually recede you
will be able to write a little more.
Core Symptom i:
Difficulty Experiencing Appropriate
Levels of Self-Esteem
Background Pages 7-10 in chapter 2 of Facing Codependence. Here is a brief summary of

the background reading:
Reading Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience of your own value, or pre
30 I BREAKING FREE
ciousness. It is generated within yourself, rather than coining to you from out
side through the positive regard of other people, accomplishments, or posses
sions. When you experience healthy self-esteem, you know that no matter
what mistakes you make or how you look or what your grades were at school
or what other people say, you are worthwhile, lovable, and adequate.
When you cannot experience healthy self-esteem, you experience esteem
in one of two inappropriate ways. At one end of the spectrum is the experience
of low or no self-esteem. At the other end is the experience of arrogance and
grandiosity, of being better than others. And when you cannot esteem yourself
from within, you get your vital supply of esteem from outside, which is what
I call “other-esteem.”
Codependents operate from arrogance and grandiosity in two different
ways. One way is by using arrogance and grandiosity to cover the pain of feel
ing less than others. The other is actually believing you are better than others
and not experiencing any feelings of being less than others. Either situation is
dysfunctional.
Everybody has equal value. You may have different assets (or talents or
abilities) that are more than or less than others’, but all of us are equally pre
cious, full of worth, and valuable as people.
The state of powerlessness related to this core symptom is this: whenever
you encounter another person, you perceive that person as having either less
value or more value than you. When you are doing either one you are operating
in the disease of codependence. Describing how you do either one brings your
state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence out of denial and
into the open.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 31
What To Do In the column on the left, describe the situations that trigger your sense of
being of less value than other people. Then, in the column on the right,
describe your thinking about how you are of less value than others.
EXAMPLE SITUATION MY THINKING AND FEELINGS
When I see someone I think he’s dong better financially

driving an expensive than I am and is therefore more
car valuable.
When I go to a party The others are more valuable or impor

and my dress is not tant than I am. I also feel ugly.
what everyone else is
wearing
—-
When someone asks I feel stupid and that the person who
me a question I can’t asked me is smarter than I am.
answer
When I see another I regard myself as ugly and therefore of

woman whose beauty I less value.
can see and recognize
When I realize some I think the person is smarter than I

one has more educa and I feel stupid and Inadequate.
tion than I do
32 / BREAKING FREE
My Experience of Low Self-Esteem
SITUATION MY THINKING AND FEELINGS

Describe how you foil to act in your own best interest when you are feeling
of less value than others.
EXAMPLE When I’m aware of my fatigue and thinking that I need to lie
down and rest, but my wife says that right now we need to go
do an errand she’s been waiting for me to do with her, I start
to think that her thinking Is better than mine. I fall to value
my own thinking and tell her how tired I am and then go rest.
Instead I go ahead and do the errand, even though it isn’t in
my best interest.
I was invited to a horror movie, and I knew that it would not

be entertaining to me and that afterward I would have to deal
with nightmares and tension. But my friend laughed at me
and said, “Oh come on. It's just a movie.” At that moment I
believed I’m worth less than my friend who is not “afraid” of
the movie, and then went ahead and endured seeing the
movie.
When I realized I couldn’t afford to buy an expensive dress for

the office Christmas party, I avoided going to the party and
robbed myself of a potentially pleasant time.
When I think that another person has more valuables than I

do, and I start feeling worthless, I gossip about that person,
saying derogatory things about him or her, and later have to
face the adverse effect on the other person and the bad feel
ings about myself.
34 / BREAKING FREE
How I Fail to Act in My Own Best Interest Due to Feeling I Am of Less Value Than Others
Describe how you view yourself as being of more value than others.
EXAMPLE Cindy often writes hot checks and can't seem to keep her
financial records straight. Her apartment is disorganized and
she is almost always late. As I look at her life, I Judge her to
be inferior to me because my checkbook is balanced, my home
is well kept, and I am usually on time.
When another person shares her thinking with me and I see

that it is different from mine, I automatically decide she is
stupid and I am superior in my thinking and she is inferior.
When I notice that my wife Is In a lot of pain, I judge her to be

“emotional” and out of control and therefore I feel superior
and think that she is of less value.
When I notice that my husband never shows any feelings and

changes the subject when I try to talk about mine, I Judge
him to be “stuffing" his feelings and avoiding issues and I
feel superior because I can feel my feelings.
I feel better than a person who has less education than I do

and speaks poor English.
I feel better than a person who has a mental or physical

handicap.
I feel better than a person who does not think as fast as I can.
I feel better than a person who is very unattractive.

36 / BREAKING FREE
How I Have Viewed Myself as Being of More Value Than Others

Describe how you become abusive to others when you feel you are of more
value than they are.
EXAMPLE When Cindy Is late for something we are doing together, I use
sarcastic jokes or earnest talks about her "problems” in an
effort to help her. I give myself permission to tell her what to
do in order for me to be comfortable.
When I feel superior to my wife because she is being “emo

tional” and out of control, I am abusive by telling her she Is
just being "emotional" and ridiculing her. Or sometimes I
offer to "help” her get control of herself, which is actually my
attempting to control her feelings so I can be comfortable.
When I feel superior to my husband because he avoids his

feelings, I am abusive by raging and attacking him about the
way he deals with feelings—or fails to deal with them. Some
times I try to control his feeling reality, offering to “help”
him get in touch with his feelings. But the real motivation Is
so I can be more comfortable.
38 / BREAKING FREE
How I Become Abusive to Others When I Feel More Valuable Than They Are
Core Symptom 2:
Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries

Reading Functional adults use intact, flexible boundaries to protect themselves
externally and internally and to keep from transgressing the boundaries of and
authentically offending others. (An “authentic offense” or “authentic act of
abuse” is an act that disregards another person’s boundaries. There may be
instances when someone may not like or be happy about what he or she
observes you thinking, feeling, and doing, and may say, Tm offended by that.”
But that is NOT what I mean by “authentic offense.”)
The external boundary system is an invisible and symbolic “fence” that we
can use to keep people from coming too close to our bodies and keep us from
crowding others physically. The external boundary system has two subparts:
the physical and the sexual boundaries. The physical boundary protects the
nonsexual part of the body. People with intact physical boundaries are able to
be physically appropriate with other people and also able to physically protect
themselves. The sexual boundary is just a more refined aspect of the physical
boundary system and protects the sexual parts of the body. People with intact
sexual boundaries can be sexually appropriate as well as able to protect them
selves from unwanted or inappropriate sexual advances.
The internal boundary system functions like a filter to protect our think
ing, feelings, and behavior. People who have healthy internal boundaries know
that they are responsible for what they think,- feel, and do, and that no one else
makes them think, feel, or do anything. People with impaired internal bound
aries blame others for what they think, feel, or do, and on the other hand they
often inappropriately take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and
behavior of others. People with impaired internal boundaries either can’t say
no to others and are constantly used or abused, or they put up inflexible walls
and can’t let anyone get close to them emotionally.
People with healthy internal boundaries can choose their own thinking,
have their own feelings, and choose to behave the way they need to in order to
be in charge of their own well-being and protect themselves. Healthy internal
boundaries also allow us to let others have their own thinking, feeling, and
behavioral reality, because we know others have that right. And with healthy
internal boundaries, we don’t get confused about thinking other people’s feel
ings and reality are our own.
Intact boundaries protect us when dealing with most people, unless we are
dealing with someone who is violent and more powerful physically than we
are. But when we have our boundaries in place, we are less likely to be fright
ened or intimidated by people who once had a painful impact on our reality.
A boundary system is not only for self-protection, but also to make sure our
40 / BREAKING FREE
own behavior stays within functional dimensions so that we do not abuse other
*
people
Your boundary system can be in one of five possible conditions: (1) no
boundaries, (2) damaged boundaries, (3) a wall around you, (4) vacillation
between walls and no boundaries, or (5) intact boundaries. Each part of your
boundary system can be in a different condition. For instance, you could have
a nonexistent physical boundary, an intact sexual boundary, and a wall around
your thinking. In this case, anyone could hit you or push you playfully when
you didn’t want him or her to, but you could stop the person at once if the con
tact became sexual. And you could tolerate no differences in thinking from the
people around you. You would probably walk away from or block out a discus
sion that might threaten your way of thinking.
The state of powerlessness related to this symptom is this: when you
encounter another person in a relationship, you are either unable to defend
yourself from abuse and can’t say no (no boundaries or damaged ones) or you
are so well defended that you have no relationship with anyone (walls). (We
will address how you offend others in a later step.)
What To Do Use the following chart to assess each part of your boundary system. Note that
even though the internal boundary is a single boundary protecting the thinking,
feelings, and behavior, for purposes of assessment you will look at each of
these separately. Make an X in the appropriate box in each column. For exam
ple, if you decide you have nonexistent physical boundaries, place an X in the
first box below the heading “External Physical.” If you decide you have dam
aged sexual boundaries, move to the next column, “External Sexual,” and put
an X in the second box in the column. If you decide your “Internal Thinking”
boundary is healthy, mark the box at the bottom of the third column, labeled
“Intact.”
* A videotape and two audiotapes by Pia Mellody about boundaries are available from Mellody
Enterprises, P.O. Box 1739, Wickenburg, AZ 85358.
My Assessment of My Boundary Systems
CONDITION OF EXTERNAL EXTERNAL INTERNAL INTERNAL INTERNAL

BOUNDARY PHYSICAL SEXUAL THINKING FEELING BEHAVIOR
NO BOUNDARY
DAMAGED
WALL: ANGER
WALL: FEAR
WALL: SILENCE
WALL: WORDS
MOVING FROM
NO BOUNDARY
TO WALLS
INTACT (HEALTHY)
Describe one or more incidents that illustrate how each of your impaired
boundaries is not intact. By writing down the behaviors you engage in because
of your impaired boundaries you can bring your state of powerlessness over
this symptom of codependence out of denial and into the open.
EXAMPLE EXTERNAL SEXUAL BOUNDARY: I believe my sexual bound

ary is damaged because when I am sick and my mate wants
me to be sexual, but it is in my best interest to say no because
I am not feeling well, I can’t say no. Second, my boundary is
damaged because when I want to be sexual and my mate does
not, I can’t accept his no and I try to force myself on him,
whining and pouting or manipulating In other ways until he
gives in and is sexual with me.
42 / BREAKING FREE
How My External-Physical Boundary Is Impaired:
How My External-Sexual Boundary Is Impaired:

How My Internal-Thinking Boundary Is Impaired:
How My Internal-Feeling Boundary Is Impaired:
How My Internal-Behavior Boundary Is Impaired:

44 / BREAKING FREE
Core Symptom 3:
Difficulty Owning Your Reality

Reading Difficulty owning what I call your own “reality” means you have difficulty
experiencing who you are and sharing that with other people. The term reality
refers to the fact that each individual has his or her own unique way of inter
preting life. Two people can see the same event and have different thoughts and
feelings and decide to do different things because of the event. But the
thoughts, feelings, and behavior of each one are very real to that person and
constitute his or her reality. Your reality comes from within you and mine
comes from within me, shaped by the way we respond to our environments as
a result of our history.
Your reality includes four areas: (1) knowing what you look like and how
your body is functioning, (2) understanding and being aware of how you’re
thinking, (3) recognizing and experiencing your emotions, and (4) being aware
of your behavior and its impact on others. Being aware of these four areas gives
you a sense of who you are. And recovery is experiencing and sharing your
personal environment in a more accurate and less skewed manner in all of
these areas.
The core symptom operates at one of two levels:
A. You know what your reality is, but can’t or don’t share it with anyone.
B. You don't know what your reality is.
Level B is more serious and more dysfunctional.

All four parts of your reality can be experienced at level A or level B. Or
with part of your reality you may be healthy, with another part you may be at
level A, and with a third part you may be at level B.
The powerlessness related to this symptom is this: you are not able to
acknowledge or share one or more of your areas of reality. You are either aware
of it but can’t acknowledge it to others, or you are totally unaware of what your
reality is.
What To Do Use the following chart to assess your level of awareness in each area of your
reality. Mark an X in the appropriate box in each column. For example, if you
find yourself angry at your husband a lot but can’t find the courage or the right
time to tell him about it, you are at level A with your feeling reality. On the
other hand, if you feel emotionally numb even when painful things happen
(such as your husband forgets your birthday for the umpteenth time) you are
at level B with your feeling reality. If you recognize your emotions and express
them when appropriate, you are healthy with your feeling reality.
My Assessment of Owning My Reality
LEVEL OF PHYSICAL THINKING FEELING BEHAVIORAL

AWARENESS REALITY REALITY REALITY REALITY
LEVEL A
LEVEL B
HEALTHY
Level A: Know your reality but can’t acknowledge it.
Level B: Don’t know what your reality is.
Healthy: Know your reality and can acknowledge it to others when

appropriate.
Describe an incident that illustrates your difficulty owning each area of your
reality that is at level A or level B. By writing down how you operate at either
level A or B with any part of your reality, you can bring your state of power
lessness over this symptom of codependence out of denial and into the open.
EXAMPLE Body Beality:

I believe I’m at level B with my physical reality because last
week everyone in my office thought the air conditioning was
turned down too cold and I said I wasn’t too cold, but my
friends pointed out that my fingernails were light blue and I
had goose bumps on my arms.
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My Difficulty Owning My Physical Reality

My Difficulty Owning My Thinking Reality

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My Difficulty Owning My Feeling Reality

My Difficulty Owning My Behavioral Reality

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Core Symptom 4:
Difficulty Acknowledging and Meeting
Your Needs and Wants

Reading This fourth symptom relates to two issues: needs and wants. I use the term
needs to refer to dependency needs, which are your needs for what you must
have to be healthy and survive. They include needs for food, clothing, shelter,
physical nurturing, emotional nurturing (time, attention, and direction from
other people), medical and dental attention, sexual information and guidance,
and financial information and guidance.
Although wants may seem to be less important than needs, they are actu
ally extremely important. It’s our wants that bring us joy and take our lives in
a decided direction. Without their being met I don’t believe we can be folly
mature adults.
I divide wants into two categories: little wants and big wants. Little wants
are our preferences. They are things we don’t have to have, but when we choose
them they bring us great joy. Big wants take our lives in a general direction and
bring us fulfillment. They include such things as “I want to be married to this
person,” “I want to be a doctor,” “I want to develop this corporation,” “I want
to have a child.”
The symptom of difficulty acknowledging and meeting our own needs and
wants is experienced at four levels:
I am too dependent: I know my needs and wants but expect other people
to take care of them for me, so I wait for them to do so, not taking care
of them myself.
I am antidependent: I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs

and wants, but I insist on meeting them myself and am unable to accept
help or guidance from anyone else. Fd rather go without than be vulner
able and ask for help.
I am needless and wantless: I don’t even know that I have needs and wants.
I confuse wants with needs: I know what I want and I get it, but I don’t know
what I need. I have them backward, so I try to take care of my needs
(which Fm unaware of) by trying to get everything I want. But I may miss
some very important needs because I have no wants connected with them
(for example, going to the doctor or dentist for checkups).
We can be at different levels for each individual need and want. For exam
ple, we might be too dependent with emotional nurturing needs, antidependent
with big wants, and needless-wantless with physical nurturing needs.
This symptom, like all the others, comes from less-than-nurturing experi
ences in childhood. The person who is too dependent often had almost all his
or her needs and wants completely taken care of throughout childhood by the
parents. He or she was not taught how to take care of his or her own needs or
wants. The person who is antidependent often was attacked in childhood
whenever he or she expressed a need or want. The person who is needless-
wantless often was ignored at times of neediness or wanting. The person who
confuses wants with needs often had parents who did not know how to meet the
dependency needs of the child (especially for emotional and physical nurtur
ing) and instead gave the child everything he or she wanted, thinking that
would take care of his or her needs.
The powerlessness related to this symptom is this: you have difficulty
acknowledging and taking care of your own needs and wants in one or more
of four ways. You are aware of them but expect others to take care of them for
you; or you meet certain ones yourself but cannot ask for help in meeting oth
ers, so you do without; or you do not know that you have certain needs and
wants; or you may try to meet your needs by getting things you want, but your
needs are still unmet.
What To Do Use the following checklists to evaluate where you are with each of the major
dependency needs. Then mark an X in the appropriate box in each column of
the chart on page 54.
FOOD
Do I eat three nourishing, well-balanced meals a day?
Do I eat the proper quantities?
Do I know how to cook well enough to provide for myself?
Do I know how to order properly balanced foods in restaurants?
Do I follow any special food advice I have received from my doctor in

relation to special needs my body has (for example, high cholesterol,
excess weight, blood pressure, diabetes, heart condition)?
CLOTHING
Do I take care of my clothes, keeping them clean and mended?
Do my clothes fit me properly, being neither too tight nor too baggy?
Do I have enough appropriate clothes to wear to my job or for social

occasions?
Am I confident about choosing what to wear to any occasion?

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SHELTER
Is my neighborhood safe and appropriate for me?
Do I live in a secure dwelling with adequate space?
Am I comfortable having friends visit me where I live?
Do I have appropriate furniture?
Is my home in fairly good repair (paint, plumbing, knobs on cabinets,

door knobs, and so on)?
Are the walls decorated pleasantly?
Do I keep my living space reasonably clean and orderly?
Do I have the necessary equipment to care for myself and my home (for
example, kitchen implements, cleaning equipment, grooming equip
ment for myself)?
PHYSICAL NURTURING
When I need a hug, can I go to an appropriate person and ask for one?
When I am tired and no one is around to hug me, can I go and get a
massage or sit in a hot tub or lie down and rest to take care of myself
physically?
EMOTIONAL NURTURING
Do I have safe friends from whom I can get time, attention, and direction?
Do I go to those friends for time, attention, direction, and to share my

reality?
Do I limit my expectations to sharing my reality and receiving nurturing,

not expecting them to fix me up or meet my needs or wants unless I ask
directly for help?
Do I ask for information about things I don’t know about when the need
arises (for example, how to balance a checkbook, how to make an air
line reservation, where to get my car fixed, how to fill out my income
tax return)?
MEDICAL/DENTAL ATTENTION
Do I have regular physical checkups?
Do I have my teeth cleaned and checked on a regular basis?

Do I respond to real physical problems by going to the doctor?
Do I follow doctors’ instructions reasonably well?
SEXUAL INFORMATION AND GUIDANCE
Do I have sex only with an appropriate partner (spouse, significant other)?
Can I say no to my partner when necessary to take care of me?
Do I know what turns me on and what turns me off?
Can I communicate these things to my partner?
Can I say no to inappropriate sexual offers?
If I have no partner, do I know how to meet my own sexual needs through

masturbation or some other way?
FINANCIAL INFORMATION AND GUIDANCE
Do I spend within my means?
Am I self-supporting (as opposed to relying on parents or other outside

help on a continuing basis)?
Do I budget my financial resources?
Do I do the necessary record keeping to be aware of what I need finan

cially?
Do I earn enough to meet my needs for food, shelter, clothing, medi-

cal/dental services, and financial security (savings)?
Do I pay my bills on time?
Do I report my income and expenses honestly?
Do I buy what is reasonably priced and of reasonable quality (as opposed

to buying inferior items or lavish ones)?
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Use the following chart to evaluate where you are with both your little and
big wants. Place an X in the appropriate box in each column.
My Assessment of How I Meet Needs
Medical/ Financial
Level of Physical Emotional Denta! Sexual Info. Info. i.
Food Clothing Shelter Nurturing Nurturing Attention & Guidance Guidance
Functioning
7bo
dependent
Anti
dependent
Needless/
wantless
Confuse
needs with
wants
Healthy
Too dependent: I know I have needs but I don’t acknowledge or take care
of them.
Antidependent: I know I have needs but I do not or cannot ask for help.
Needless: I am unaware I have needs.
Confuse needs with wants: I take care of needs (of which I am unaware)
by getting what I want (which I can recognize).
Healthy: I acknowledge and meet my needs.

My Assessment of How I Meet Wants
LEVEL OF LITTLE WANTS BIG WANTS

FUNCTIONING (PREFERENCES) (AFFECTING LIFE GOALS)
TOO DEPENDENT
ANTIDEPENDENT
WANTLESS
CONFUSE WANTS WITH NEEDS
HEALTHY
Too dependent: I know what I want but expect others to meet my wants.
Antidependent: I know what I want but do not or cannot ask for help.
Wantless: I don’t know what I want.
Confuse wants with needs: I get wants met in an attempt to meet needs.
Healthy: I acknowledge my wants and meet them.

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Describe specific incidents that illustrate your difficulty meeting the kinds of
needs and wants you evaluated in the two previous charts. By writing down
specific examples of the behaviors you engage in as a result of this difficulty,
you can bring your state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence
out of denial and into the open.
My Difficulty Meeting My Needs

My Difficulty Meeting My Needs

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My Difficulty Meeting My Wants

Core Symptom 5:
Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing
Your Reality Moderately

Reading This fifth symptom pervades the whole disease of codependence. It can be
referred to as “the either/or syndrome” and is sometimes described as the feel
ing that we have no rheostats about our reality. We express our reality
extremely (either no expression or crisislike eruptions) in each of the four
areas of reality: physical, thinking, feelings, and behavior.
THE BODY
Many codependents dress immoderately—either wearing tight skimpy clothing

or clothes that are layered or so baggy and shapeless that the body’s shape is
concealed from the observer. Or the person wears clothes marked by bright
colors or extreme design so that every head turns when the person enters a
room. At the opposite extreme is clothing that is so bland and ordinary the per
son is practically invisible in a group.
Regarding body size, a person may gain a lot of weight until his or her true
body shape is hidden by fat. On the other hand, the person might starve him
self or herself so that the true body shape is distorted by thinness and therefore
hidden. This core issue is often expressed through an eating disorder such as
compulsive overeating and/or bulemia, which is an illness involving overeat
ing followed by purging and starving. I find many sexually abused people with
eating disorders, and I believe the disorders are related to this core issue of
difficulty expressing one’s physical reality moderately and at the appropriate
age level.
Codependents may also have trouble dressing appropriately for their age.
A young woman may dress in clothes far too mature for her age—somber col
ors, severely tailored clothes, or clothes that look “frumpy” on such a young
person. In fact, people who see her may estimate that she is ten to fifteen years
older than she really is. At the other extreme is a middle-aged woman dressing
in the current styles of her teenage daughter and wearing her hair in a style that
younger women or young girls wear.
THINKING
Codependents often come up with skewed interpretations of what is going on

around them and develop extreme solutions to problems.
A person with this difficulty can easily interpret someone’s complimentary
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remark as a sarcastic criticism, or someone’s humor as a painful attack. “Solu

tions” arrived at on the basis of skewed interpretations often have the codepen
dent doing exactly the opposite of whatever he or she thinks is causing the
problem. For instance, if a man’s wife tells him that she would appreciate it if
he wouldn’t interrupt her so often when she’s working on the bookkeeping, he
might decide NEVER to interrupt her and not to tell her about telephone calls
or even genuine emergencies she needs to be informed about. Or if a husband
asks his wife to spend a little less on the groceries, she might decide to put the
whole family on basic survival rations in order to avoid overspending on the
food.
FEELINGS
Difficulty experiencing and expressing our feelings with moderation and at our
own age level is almost a given for any codependent in touch with the shame
core. This difficulty with moderation is also automatic with any codependent
whose internal boundaries are so impaired that the feeling reality of other peo
ple is easily absorbed. Most codependents express feeling reality very
immoderately, either having no awareness of feelings (frozen feelings) or
experiencing strong, overwhelming feelings. We come across to others as
either very immature and chaotic or supermature and tightly self-controlled
(and controlling).
A codependent adult may experience at least four different kinds of feeling
reality:
Adult feeling reality: You experience a mature emotional response to your

thinking that does not dredge up data from the past. You feel centered
when you experience it.
Adult-to-adult induced feeling reality: You take on emotions from other

adults. This can happen when you are physically close to someone who
is feeling intensely, is in denial of his or her feelings, or is acting
irresponsibly with his or her feelings. This experience is called empathy
when the amount taken on is moderate and controlled by the internal
boundary. When too much feeling is taken on, you feel overwhelmed
and crazy.
Frozen feelings from childhood: You experience the release of your own
feeings from childhood that were not safe to feel as a child. To survive
whatever abuse you experienced, you shut down or “froze” the feelings.
As you begin to come out of your defense mechanism, you feel these
feelings as an adult. You feel extremely vulnerable and childlike when
you experience them.
Carried or induced feelings from childhood: You feel the feelings of the
person who abused you that were induced into you in childhood. You
feel overwhelmed or out of control when you experience them.
BEHAVIOR
A person who trusts everyone or no one at all has difficulty with moderate
behavior. So does a person who either doesn’t defend himself or herself at all
or repeats his or her parent’s offending behavior. For example, this person
might beat his or her children because that’s what Dad did, or go to the other
extreme out of dislike for what Dad did and never discipline them at all.
THE SOURCE OF THIS SYMPTOM
I believe extreme expressions of all four areas of reality (physical, thinking,

feeling, and behavioral) come from observing our major caregivers expressing
their own reality immoderately. In addition, codependents experience feelings
at extreme levels because they encounter four different kinds of feeling reali
ties: adult feeling reality, adult-induced feeling reality, frozen feelings from
childhood, and adult-to-child carried feelings.
The powerlessness related to this symptom is this: the way your reality
feels to you and also the way you express it to others is extreme. Your distorted
reality can feel very painful to you, or its expression to others can be extremely
offensive and explosive. Or your communication of it can be the opposite—
subdued or withheld altogether. You may operate immoderately in only one or
two areas, or you may operate immoderately in different ways in each area.
What To Do Describe one or more incidents that illustrate how you have difficulty
experiencing and/or expressing your reality with moderation and at your own
age level in any or all parts of your reality. By writing down specific examples
of your ways of experiencing and expressing your reality to extreme degrees
you can bring your state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence
out of denial and into the open.
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My Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing My Physical Reality Moderately

My Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing My Thinking Reality Moderately

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My Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing My Feeling Reality Moderately

My Difficulty with Moderate Behavior

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Unmanageable Consequences of the

Five Core Symptoms
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you see more clearly what is unmanage
able in your life due to codependence. Describing how the symptoms are
Exercises sabotaging your relationships and affecting the flow of your everyday existence
will help you move beyond denial - even beyond the general admission of “Yes,
my life is unmanageable and Pm miserable’—and into awareness.
I believe that each core symptom creates unmanageable or harmful conse
quences. In other words, I believe that the unmanageable consequences in your
life are created when you are in a state of powerlessness, experiencing one or
more of the five core symptoms. Unmanageable consequences follow power
lessness.
I have identified at least five kinds of unmanageable consequences: nega
tive control, resentment, distorted or nonexistent spirituality, avoiding reality,
and impaired intimacy. Often a single consequence can be caused by several
different core symptoms operating at once. In other words, the unmanageable
consequences are not directly related to any single symptom.
Complete the suggested background reading before you write about each
consequence. Read about one consequence at a time, then do the writing about
that consequence before reading about the next one. Don’t worry if you need
to spend a month or longer on each one. As your denial, minimization, and
delusion gradually recede, you will be able to write more.
Consequence 1: Negative Control

Reading Codependents primarily live in constant reaction to others rather than
instigating action for themselves, and as a result they get involved in control
ling or determining other people’s reality in order to feel safe and comfortable.
I call it negative control whenever you give yourself permission to determine
what another person’s reality is to be. You do this when you tell a person what
he or she should look like (the body), what meaning he or she is to give incom
ing data (thinking), what emotions he or she should be having (feeling), or
what he or she should do or not do (behavior). On the other hand, you are also
involved in negative control when you give someone else permission to deter
mine what you should look like, how you should interpret incoming data, what
you should feel, and what you should do or not do.
Positive control involves your determining your own reality apart and dis
tinct from the reality of others. You establish for yourself what you’re going to
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE ! 67
look like, think, feel, do, and not do. You are in control of your reality, of
knowing what it is, embracing it, and expressing it when it’s in your best inter
est to do so. Positive control is recovery-the opposite of negative control.
There are three exceptions to the general definition of negative control I
just gave. First, when we are parents, we must engage in influencing a child’s
reality. This may look like negative control on the surface, but when it’s done
respectfully, moderately, and with good reason, it isn’t negative control.
Second, when you hire a therapist, you are buying the therapist’s ability to
influence your reality. It could appear to be negative control, but because that
is clearly the purpose of therapy, it is excluded from the category of unhealthy
negative control.
And third, when you ask someone (such as a sponsor or a friend) for.his
or her opinion about your reality, that person has permission to tell you. This
instance does not represent negative control because the person has your per
mission to influence your reality by his or her opinion.
Writing about your experiences with negative control and describing the
negative control behaviors you engage in brings your experience of unmanage
able consequences out of denial.
What To Do Describe instances when you have engaged in negative control by determining
someone else’s reality.
EXAMPLE When Sammy, my eon, came home angry at his friend, Bobby,
I told him nice boys don’t get angry over things like that. I
did not allow him to feel his own feelings or guide him in the
healthy expression of them.
When my husband said that he wanted to go to McDonald’s

for his birthday dinner, I told him he really didn’t want to go
there. I told him he wanted to go to a fancier restaurant.
Describe instances in which you have engaged in negative control by

allowing others to determine your reality when it was not in your best interest
to do so.
EXAMPLE I decided I needed to see the dentist because I had a tooth

ache. My wife stated that it was not a bad toothache and that
I should not go see the dentist. I thought she was wrong, but
followed her direction. My tooth abscessed three weeks later.
How I Have Engaged in Negative Control by Letting Others Control Me

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Consequence 2: Resentment
Background Pages 47-50 in chapter 3 of Facing Codependence.

Here is more information about resentment.
Reading Resentment seems to come from your perception that someone has com
mitted an injurious act against you. The event could have been an authentic act
of offense or an incident in which your value system clashed with someone
else’s, although the other person did not transgress your boundaries. It doesn’t
really matter which one it is. You are likely to experience resentment as a
result of either one.
The resentment process involves obsessively thinking about what hap
pened. A pattern develops in which you first recall the incident, which gener
ates anger. Next, out of the anger you focus on ways to get revenge or to punish
the perpetrator. You are motivated toward revenge or punishment by a two-part
mistaken belief: (1) that getting even or punishing the wrongdoer will control
his or her behavior and keep such incidents from ever happening again and
(2) that the guilty party’s suffering will restore your sense of worth that you
believe was lost because of the injurious incident.
Resentments dating back to incidents that happened in childhood are
another category altogether. I believe that these need to be addressed in therapy
and not in this section of the workbook.
What To Do In the column on the left, describe incidents about which you have been resent
ful (or are still resentful). (REMINDER: Do not include childhood resent
ments.) Then, in the column on the right, describe your thoughts about ways
to get revenge or punish the perpetrator.
EXAMPLE INCIDENT WHAT I HAVE DONE TO CONTROL THE

CAUSING RESENTMENT SITUATION, TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF
My roommate’s I whine and complain to her about the

parakeet lives free mess. I explain In an angry voice that I
In our house. She am not going to live with this filth, I hate
enjoys the parakeet’s having to clean up the mess, and she’d
company and seeing better do something about that parakeet
It fly free. But she or elsel Each day that goes by and she
doesn’t clean up the doesn’t change, I get more angry, thinking
mess the bird makes. that if I can make her miserable enough,
I resent living with she will take better care of the parakeet
the mess or having and our house.
to clean It up.
My Experience with Resentment
INCIDENT WHAT I HAVE DONE TO CONTROL THE

CAUSING RESENTMENT SITUATION, TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF
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A HEALTHIER RESPONSE
A healthy response to experiencing such hurtfill events is to understand and

accept that it happened and is beyond your control, do what you can do to pro
tect yourself, turn it over to the Higher Power using Step Three, and go on with
your life without obsessively thinking about the event and having resentment.
Empowering yourself in a healthy way involves taking action for yourself
without involving the person whom you resent. Your thinking moves from
“You’ve got to change so I can get over my resentment. You have the power in
this situation,” to ‘This is the problem that Tm having as a result of being in a
relationship with this person. What can I do to resolve the issue that doesn’t
involve him or her?” In the case of authentic offenses that are likely to recur,
you need to tell the offender what his or her offending behavior is and that you
would like for it to stop. But keep in mind that you cannot make a person do
or not do anything. If the offense happens again, take steps to reduce your con
tact with the person to protect yourself.
When you can make a decision in your own best interest to resolve the sit
uation without involving the other person, you wind up feeling empowered
again and able to take care of yourself, and the resentment caused by feeling
powerless often goes away.
In the column on the left, briefly describe each resentment you listed in
the previous exercise. Then, in the column on the right, choose one of the fol
lowing three options:
1. Describe as many options you can think of that do not involve change
on the part of the person you resent.
2. Acknowledge this as a situation for which there is no plan you can think
of that does not involve the other person’s changing. Be very careful before
making this selection. Check with other people in recovery (your therapist,
your sponsor, people in meetings) about whether they can see options you may
not have thought of. Denial and old thinking patterns can make it difficult to
see options clearly. In situations like this, the way out of resentment is to give
up knowing how relief can come and prepare to turn it over to a Higher Power.
We will discuss how Step Three helps us do this later in the workbook.
3. Describe how this situation is a case of you being actively offended by
another adult. For example, someone may be physically attacking you, attack
ing your thinking by ridiculing it or demeaning it, or exploiting your emotional
reality by deliberately using your fears or areas of pain to manipulate you.
If this is the situation regarding this resentment, use your anger to give you
the energy to take care of yourself. Begin by describing in the column on the
right what you can say to this person about what is happening, what emotions
you are feeling, and what you would like for the person to do differently. Real
ize that you can only ask for what you want, you cannot make a person change.
If the person does not change, describe what you can do to reduce contact with
this person to take care of yourself.
EXAMPLE |
Situation number 1: Clash of value systems
INCIDENT CAUSING RESENTMENT NEW OPTIONS I CAN TAKE
My roommate’s parakeet makes messes. I Hire a housekeeper to clean up the mess.

resent cleaning them up. Buy a cage and put the parakeet in it.
EXAMPLE
Situation number 2: Clash of value systems, but there is no acceptable plan that does not involve the
other person.
When my children from an earlier marriage I see that it is irritating to have young
visit me, my wife becomes angry because teenagers take over the living space that
they monopolize the living room and the belongs to her as well as to me. I will not
television. She doesn't like what they like to stop having my kids visit, so I can only
watch, and they don’t like to watch her acknowledge my anger and resentment
programs. I resent her attitude toward my while giving up having to know how the sit
children. uation will be resolved.
*
* After this man gave up trying to solve this situation and stopped obsessively focusing on ways to change his wife’s attitude, his
wife came up with the idea of building a room on their house in which she could be comfortable while his children were visiting.
Since they had the money, they built it, but the man did not insist that his wife give up her claim to their joint living room, nor did
he stop having his children visit. I realize not everyone could solve the problem this way, but it is surprising how solutions come
even when we can’t think of what they might be.
EXAMPLE
Situation number 3
When I tell my boyfriend about my plans to I now recognize this as an act of intellec
start a child care service in my home, he tual offense on my boyfriend’s part. I need
tells me that I don’t know anything about to tell him that when he criticizes my
business and I’m so scatterbrained I could thinking ability without really knowing
never learn. He lectures me about how I’ll whether I can do these things or not I feel
just get into trouble because I’m not smart anger and pain. I will ask him not to be
enough to deal with all the details. I resent critical of my Intellectual ability when I
his attacking my intellectual ability and talk to him about this plan. If he continues
feel anger and pain as well. to criticize my thinking, I can stop talking
to him about the plan and find people to
talk to who can be more supportive. I can
also evaluate whether I want to continue a
relationship in which I am attacked like this.
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My Experience with Healthy Options
INCIDENT CAUSING RESENTMENT NEW OPTIONS I CAN CHOOSE

Consequence 3:
Distorted or Nonexistent Spirituality

the background reading plus some additional information:
*
Reading Two unmanageable consequences fall under this heading: (1) difficulty
sharing who we are with others and hearing who they are, and (2) difficulty
experiencing a power greater than ourselves.
Many people seem to believe that the closer to perfection we get, the more
spiritual we are. A similar belief is that we must be perfect in order to be
assured of getting into heaven. But any belief that we must not have any imper
fections to be acceptable to God and to others is one of the ways our spirituality
is distorted. The belief is accompanied by the conviction that it is we ourselves
who must achieve perfection, and that whenever any imperfection is apparent,
there is something we are not doing right in our spiritual lives.
In my opinion, this belief can bring about real difficulty owning our own
imperfection and being accountable for it when it hurts someone else. This
form of skewed spirituality contributes to our loss of awareness of our reality
(thinking, feeling, behavioral, and physical reality) because anything that is
not judged to be perfect (or “spiritual” in the distorted sense) is unacceptable
and must be put away from us somehow (hidden). Believing that a human
being can ever be perfect is part of a codependent’s skewed thinking reality.
In addition, people following this belief that spirituality is perfection
become involved in judging and comparing themselves to other people. Decid
ing how well people are doing and how “spiritual” they are begins to take up
more and more mental and emotional energy. Judging who is better and who
is worse is a part of codependence stemming from inappropriate levels of self-
esteem and the unmanageable consequence of negative control, as we have
seen.
I believe that whenever we can’t embrace our own imperfection, we are
not open to experiencing spirituality. Either we believe that we are perfect (or
deny that we are imperfect), which results in acting as our own Higher Power.
Or we may believe that we are abnormally imperfect, which results in not
being able to stand sharing our imperfection with ourselves or anyone else
because it’s so awful we are convinced that people will go away if we tell them,
and a Higher Power would not accept us either.
Along these same lines, when we are not able to accept that other people
are imperfect, we obstruct our own spiritual experience. When we hear some
one else share his or her imperfection with us, or that person’s imperfection
causes trouble for us we either (1) try to exert negative control over that per-
♦ A four-cassette lecture by Pia Mellody about spirituality is available from Mellody Enterprises,
P.O. Box 1739, Wickenburg, AZ 85358.
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son to change his or her imperfection or (2) experience inordinate amounts of

pain and anger leading to judgment and resentment. There is an appropriate
level of pain and anger when someone hurts us. But the acceptance of imper
fection in others can help lessen the degree and duration of such feelings and
help us avoid judging and resenting them.
Some people approach the recovery process with the hope that it will help
them stop being “crazy” and out of touch with their identity and teach them
how to be perfect. This search for a way to be and do perfectly is part of our
skewed thinking reality.
HOW SPIRITUALITY FREES US TO OWN OUR IMPERFECTIONS
Human beings are imperfect to some degree and to various levels of serious
ness. There is no getting away from our imperfection-ever. This is the normal
condition of a functional, healthy human being and is why we need a Higher
Power. I call this condition “perfectly imperfect,” being aware and accepting of
our imperfections while still trying to deal with and change hurtful character
defects.
In my opinion accepting that we are imperfect allows us to see more
clearly that the power we need to surmount these imperfections is not a human
power but a spiritual one greater than and outside of ourselves. Further, as
long as the imperfection persists, we can admit to ourselves that we have value
even when we are imperfect and have joy about our value, but we also can have
pain when we know that our imperfection causes trouble for us and for others
in relationship with us. In addition we need to love and accept others as having
value when they are imperfect, protecting ourselves where necessary but
avoiding judgment and criticism of them.
HOW SPIRITUALITY BRINGS US INTO CONTACT

WITH OUR HIGHER POWER
When we can embrace this normal condition of perfect imperfection in our

selves, share it with someone else, and hear someone else share his or hers, we
are open to the experience of spirituality. Often it is the very moment we
become aware that an imperfection has been operating in our lives that we
simultaneously experience being connected to a Higher Power. At other times,
when we tell someone else about our imperfection and are heard without judg
ment by the other person, we are also open to contact with the Higher Power.
And moments in which we do not judge someone as we hear his or her imper
fection offer opportunities for this spiritual experience. At such moments, we
experience pain from the awareness of the imperfection, accompanied by joy
about the spiritual connectedness and the fact that we have value while we are
imperfect. The emotion becomes either joy-filled pain or pain-filled joy,
depending on which emotion is greater at the moment.
What To Do In the column on the left, describe the ways in which you have difficulty relat
ing to a Higher Power. Then, in the column on the right, list the core symp-
tom(s) from which the difficulty is coming.
Describing the difficulty you have in relating to a Higher Power brings
your experience of this unmanageable consequence out of denial and into the
open.
EXAMPLE DIFFICULTY RELATING

TO A HIGHER POWER CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
I am afraid of a higher power When I think about my imper

because I think if I reveal my fections, I feel so much shame.
imperfections I will be attacked My level of self-esteem is so low
and punished. that I can't believe a Higher
Power would be interested In
restoring me to sanity.
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My Difficulty Relating to a Higher Power
difficulty relating to a higher power CORE SYMFIOMfS) INVOLVED

In the column on the left, describe ways in which you avoid acknowledg
ing your own imperfection. Then, in the column on the right, name the core
symptom(s) from which your fear of sharing your imperfection or your lack of
awareness of your imperfection comes.
Describing your difficulty sharing imperfection with someone brings your
experience of this unmanageable consequence out of denial and into the open.
EXAMPLE WS1 HIDE IMPERFECTION CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
I told my husband I’d meet I have difficulty owning my

him at home for lunch, but own reality and rely on certain
when noon came, I suddenly key people to give it to me. I
remembered I’d promised to could not tell my husband I
have lunch with a friend. I had forgotten about the lunch
rushed off to lunoh and forgot appointment until too late to
to call my husband, who went call him and that I had forgot
home and fixed both of us a ten to call from the restaurant
lunch. After I got back to the where I met my friend. I
office I remembered and called wanted him to think I had
home. I lied and told him I had tried to get in touch with him
tried to call him beforehand because his opinion of me is
but he hadn’t been home (I my reality about myself.
knew he had gone to an
appointment before lunoh).
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My Difficulty Acknowledging Imperfection

WAYS I HIDE IMPERFECTION CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
Consequence 4: Avoiding Reality

Reading As a result of experiencing abuse in childhood, adult codependents try to
avoid “intolerable” reality. But even if you try to avoid the reality, it is within
you anyway. You know and feel about it, and if you are aware you know, you’ve
known and felt about it before.
As I’ve said, codependents are immature people in adult bodies who often
have difficulty functioning as mature adults. These conditions mean that your
life is filled with stress and feeling reality that is difficult to deal with.
I believe that codependents experience one or more of the following three
ways of medicating or removing this reality from consciousness: an addictive
process, physical illness, and mental illness.
ADDICTIONS AND CODEPENDENCE
I believe that for many people, addictions are an outgrowth of core symptoms
of codependence. An addiction can form around any process that relieves
intolerable reality. Because of the relief an addictive substance or behavior
brings, it becomes a priority in your life, taking time and attention away from
other priorities. And this growing absorption leads to harmful consequences in
your relationships that you choose to ignore. You learn to medicate your
unwanted reality through one or more addictive processes. The ones you
choose are the ones that relieve the intolerable reality in the most acceptable,
efficient way for you.
PHYSICAL ILLNESS AND CODEPENDENCE
If your need to control reality is great and you don’t indulge in an addiction,
your unacknowledged and unmedicated feelings will be expressed in some
form. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)
refers to these physical expressions of stress as somatoform disorders. These
are chronic physical symptoms that a doctor can never fully treat and bring
relief from. Many people come up with one physical illness after another. I
believe many of these symptoms are produced by the stress of the codepen
dent’s avoiding the pain of owning his or her own reality and not learning to
appropriately experience and express his or her feeling reality.
MENTAL ILLNESS AND CODEPENDENCE
The reality of what happened to you in childhood can be extremely traumatiz

ing and horrible. In order to survive, you, as a child, had to keep yourself from
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I
fully knowing about and having feelings about that reality. Later, when using
mental illness to protect yourself from knowing, you take your pain outside the
realm of conscious mental reality so that you don’t have to deal with what is or
was. When you are outside the realm of reality, what happened to you for all
intents and purposes doesn’t exist, and if it did it doesn’t matter.
What To Do In the column on the left, describe any addictions you have engaged in. Then,
in the column on the right, name the core symptom(s) driving this addiction.
Describing your addictions and the core symptoms that drive them will bring
your avoidance of reality out of denial.
EXAMPLE ADDICTION CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
Compulsive overeating Low self-esteem, shame

Lack of boundaries
Difficulty owning my feelings
Workaholism Arrogance and grandiosity

Lack of boundaries
Antidependence—cannot ask for help
Drug addiction Low self-esteem

Difficulty owning my feelings
Sex addlotion Low self-esteem

Lack of boundaries
Inability to be moderate
Love addiction Low self-esteem

Lack of boundaries
Inability to take care of my adult needs
and wants
Addictions I Use to Avoid Reality
ADDICTION CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED

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In the left column, describe any physical symptoms you currently experi
ence that have resisted traditional medical treatment. Then, in the right
column, name the core symptom(s) you believe may be behind the physical
symptom. Describing your chronic physical symptoms and the core symptoms
to which they may be connected will help bring your avoidance of reality out
of denial.
EXAMPLE CHRONIC PHYSICAL SYMPTOM CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED

*
Sinus Infection—head hurts so Antidependence—I can’t ask

bad I have to go to bed for help, get overwhelmed with
too much to do.
Neck muscle pain Difficulty owning my reality—

I hold in pain and fear but
“shoulder” my responsibilities
without complaining.
Chronic constipation Using walls Instead of

boundaries—I protect myself
with walls out of fear of being
open and trusting. I hold in my
reality behind the wall and end
up constipated.
* Al first you may need help in making the connection between your chronic physical symptoms
and the specific core symptom involved. But it is surprising how often your “guesses” will be true.
So give it your best try and check later with your sponsor or others in the recovery process.
Physical Symptoms I Use to Avoid Reality
CHRONIC PHYSICAL SYMPTOM CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
•
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In the left column, describe any mental conditions you currently experi
ence (such as depression, delusion,, psychotic episodes). Then, in the right
column, name the core symptom(s) to which you believe these conditions may
be linked. Describing your mental conditions and the core symptoms that are
involved brings your avoidance of reality out of denial.
EXAMPLE MENTAL CONDITIONS CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
Depression, comes and goes Difficulty owning my reality—

my unnamed emotions of
shame, anger, pain, and fear
strain for release.
Frequent anxiety attacks Difficulty owning my reality of

imperfection. Fear of not doing
it “right.”
Mental Conditions I Use to Avoid Reality
MENTAL CONDITION CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED

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Consequence 5: Impaired Ability

to Sustain Intimate Relationships

Reading One of the hallmarks of codependence is that we have difficulty in rela
tionships with others (and with ourselves and God). Intimacy means that I can
share myself with you because I feel good about myself and I can let you share
yourself with me without trying to change who you are. Intimacy also involves
an exchange. One person is giving and the other is receiving. Sometimes both
occur at once. For example, a hug presents two ways to be intimate. (1) When
I say to you, “Can I give you a hug?” I am approaching you and nurturing you.
(2) When I say, ‘Would you give me a hug?” I am asking you to approach me
and be intimate with me. During the hug both of us are being physically inti
mate, but one is giving and one is receiving.
Intimacy with someone can be experienced in these ways:
Physical Intimacy: sharing the body in a nurturing, nonsexual

manner.
Sexual Intimacy: sharing the body in a sexual manner
Intellectual Intimacy: sharing thinking or thoughts, perceptions
Emotional Intimacy: sharing feelings
Behavioral Intimacy: sharing what you have done or not done
What To Do In the column on the left, review each type of intimacy (physical, sexual,
intellectual, emotional, behavioral) and write about any that you are unable to
share with others with whom you are in relationship (spouse or significant
other, child, parent, friends). Then, in the column on the right, name the core
symptom(s) to which your difficulty is related.
Describing your own difficulty sharing intimately with others and receiv
ing intimately from others brings your experience of this unmanageable conse
quence out of denial.
EXAMPLE AREA OF REALITY

I HAVE DIFFICULTY SHARING CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
The body: I am embarrassed Low self-esteem (worth gained

for my husband to see me from condition of body)
undressed because I need to Impaired external boundaries:
lose weight. I’m afraid he’ll be wall of fear
turned off and leave me. We are Difficulty owning my physical
sexual In the dark and I reality and sharing it (level A)
always keep my body covered
up.
Thinking: I compare my think Low self-esteem

ing to yours and judge yours Difficulty owning my thinking
better and mine not worth reality (level A)
sharing.
Feelings: I either hold in my Impaired internal boundaries

feelings to “spare you” or blast Difficulty owning my emotional
you with them uncontrollably. reality (level A)
Difficulty expressing my real
ity moderately
Behavior: I feel worthless Low self-esteem

whenever I make a mistake, so Difficulty owning my
I never admit when I’ve made behavioral reality
one.
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My Difficulty with Expressing Intimacy

AREA OF REALITY I HAVE DIFFICULTY SHARING CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
In the column on the left, review each type of intimacy (physical, sexual,
intellectual, emotional, and behavioral) and describe ways in which you have
difficulty receiving intimately from each person with whom you are in rela
tionship (spouse or significant other, child, parent, friends). Then, in the
column on the right, name the core symptom(s) to which your difficulty is
related.
EXAMPLE AREA OF REALITY

I HAVE DIFFICULTY RECEIVING CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
The body: When my wife offers Impaired boundaries

to hug me, I refuse because I
fear getting that close to her.
Thinking: When my son thinks Low self-esteem

of a better idea about how to
repair the car, I tell him his
idea is stupid so he doesn’t
look smarter than I am.
Feelings: When my wife (or Impaired internal boundary

anyone else) starts crying, I (nonexistent boundaries)
can’t stand to be in the room
with her or discuss anything
until she stops crying.
Behavior: I judge and criticize Inappropriate level of self

what my adult daughter does, esteem (arrogance and
wanting her to do things my grandiosity)
way, which I know is better. Impaired Internal boundary
(damaged boundary—I don’t do
this with others)
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My Difficulty with Receiving Intimacy
AREA OF REALITY I HAVE DIFFICULTY RECEIVING CORE SYMPTOM(S) INVOLVED
k
“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.”
Purpose of Step Two addresses your issues of imperfection and your spiritual connection
to a Higher Power. As I said in the previous section, to relate to a higher power
Exercise in a healthy way that leads to recovery, you must be able to view yourself as
being what I call “perfectly imperfect” and still value or esteem yourself.
Problems concerning spirituality and a relationship to a Higher Power
come up immediately in Step Two. The goal of this step is to correct any
skewed thinking you may have about (1) whether there is a Higher Power, (2)
how it will respond to you if you turn to it, and (3) whether you need to be
restored to sanity. This is the process of coming to believe that a power greater
than yourself (and greater than your parents) can restore you to sanity. To me,
the sanity to which codependents must be restored is the knowledge that we are
perfectly imperfect, that we can only do certain things about that, and that
imperfection is the normal human condition.
Background Pages 181-189 in chapter 14 of Facing Codependence.

Here is a summary of what I believe to be the common problems codepen
Reading dents have with relating to a Higher Power:
Three basic stances toward a Higher Power seem to be set up by the expe
rience of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Some people have a blend of
two or all three of them.
1. There is no Higher Power; I am my own Higher Power. Two experi

ences a child can have in a dysfunctional family can set this up. The
first is when parents abandon the child and never confront or correct
the child’s imperfection. The child gets the message that anything he or
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she wants to do or say is acceptable. There is no Higher Power to guide

and correct such a child in these matters. On becoming an adult, the
person doesn’t really understand that he or she has any imperfection.
Therefore, there is no place for a Higher Power in the adult person’s life
because the person is his or her own Higher Power. Further, such a
person doesn’t feel a need to be restored to sanity because the person
doesn’t know that he or she has any insanity.
The second experience that can create this attitude toward the
Higher Power is when parents enmesh with the child and manipulate
him or her into taking care of them or their responsibilities, instead of
taking care of the child and leaving him or her free to be a child. The
message from the parent is that the child is the Higher Power of the
parent, of the family, and of himself or herself. Therefore, on becom
ing an adult this person has great difficulty grasping at an operational
level the idea that there is a Higher Power, having BEEN the Higher
Power of others and of himself or herself since childhood.
2. A Higher Power exists but isn't thereforme. This attitude is usually that
of the child who was ignored in childhood. The parent was minimally
involved with the child Concerning a few dependency needs and wants,
but not enough to teach the child how to acknowledge or take care of
these needs and wants. This child, on becoming an adult and consider
ing the concept of a Higher Power, believes that a Higher Power exists
but won’t restore him or her to sanity. The person cannot turn to a
Higher Power for help or strength in any real sense because he or she
expects to be ignored.
3. The Higher Power is harsh, punitive, and critical. The process ofbeing
restored to sanity will be shaming, painful, and miserable. This is
usually the attitude of the child who was attacked with criticism and
punishment when he or she was imperfect. In adulthood this person
might believe that there’s a power greater than himself or herself that
will restore the person to sanity, but doesn’t believe that it’s going to be
comfortable or that life will be any better. The person has a negative
relationship with a Higher Power and cannot embrace or share any
issues of his or her own imperfection. To avoid being attacked, this
person has great difficulty talking about his or her imperfection to any
body or admitting his or her imperfections to a Higher Power.
This reaction can sometimes lead to actually denying that a Higher
Power even exists so that the whole issue of being attacked and
punished can be avoided. If this happens, the person can also become
his or her own Higher Power.
Our relationship to our father influences our ideas about the Higher Power.
This fact is hardly ever conscious, and even religious professionals often don’t
realize that although their theology is impeccable, their actual trust level regard
ing their Higher Power is very low because of long-forgotten abuse issues.
A person’s first experience of a Higher Power in this culture is his or her

experience with Dad (sometimes Mom, but mainly Dad). The way Dad treated
you becomes at some level how you think a Higher Power is going to treat you.
• If Dad abandoned you, you become your own Higher Power, believing
that you can accomplish your own recovery. You have difficulty believ
ing in a Higher Power outside yourself.
• If Dad enmeshed with you and used you for his own needs (to take care
of him or his responsibilities in the family), you also may become your
own Higher Power and be unable to believe a Higher Power exists out
side yourself.
• If Dad neglected you, you may believe a Higher Power exists, but you
may not think a Higher Power will help you or restore you to sanity.
• If Dad attacked you, you may believe a Higher Power exists and might
restore you to sanity, but the process will be painful and shaming
because you think of a Higher Power as harsh and punishing.
What To Do Review what you wrote about your history of abuse from your father in part 1
of the workbook. Describe here how your father treated you: abandonment,
enmeshment, ignoring, or attacking. (It is possible to have been treated with
a blend of two or more of these.) Then write about how this has affected the
way you relate to a Higher Power. (In some family systems, the mother has
more power than the father and is seen as the highest power in the family by
the child. If that was the case in your childhood, write about your relationship
to your mother.)
example My father Ignored me when I was doing things he approved

of, but he was very critical and harsh when I did something
he didn’t like. So I had a blend: both being attacked and also
Ignored.
The effect on my relationship to a Higher Power is that I
fear an attack from my Higher Jower when I am less than
perfect. I also feel that In any other circumstance, my Higher
Power Is not there for me or Is Ignoring me. I never really
have been my own Higher Power even though my mother
enmeshed with me and I took care of her. But in terms of
power within the family, my mother was so diminished by my
father that he’s the main concept of a Higher Power that I
have.
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How My Father Treated Me in Childhood:
How This Affected My View of the Wfey a Higher Power Would Relate to Me:
Now that you have examined the relationship between your father’s treat
ment of you and your beliefs about the Higher Power, write what you are com
ing to believe is a more accurate picture of the Higher Power as a caring,
healing power both greater than yourself and greater than your parents.
There are many ways to envision a Higher Power who can lovingly restore
you to sanity in a positive, respectful way. For example, one person might envi
sion this power through the Christian tradition as a trinity made up of God the
Creator, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit; while another person might have a
visual image of a bright white light that is feminine in nature. Each person’s
concept of a Higher Power is very personal. We did not provide a specific
example for this because we felt that to do so might limit your own freedom to
express your beliefs about this vital concept.
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How I Envision My Higher Power (greater than myself, greater than my parents)
Consider the definition of sanity to be the ability to look at ourselves as

“perfectly imperfect” without experiencing inordinate amounts of pain, fear,
anger, guilt, or shame that can make us feel crazy. We are sane when we can
know that being imperfect is normal. Now describe a time when you noted
yourself being normally (perfectly) imperfect and experienced overwhelming
feelings about it, thinking something was wrong with you. Describe both the
situation and the feelings.
EXAMPLE I realized several hours after it happened that I had gossiped

about my husband and criticized him. I felt intense shame,
guilt, pain, and fear, and wanted to disappear in my room
and ory.
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Times I Have Noticed Myself Being “Perfectly Imperfect” and Had Overwhelming Feelings
Step Three
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to

the care of Godas we understood God.”
Purpose of This step is an act of faith that a loving, life-changing Higher Power will be
there for you as you turn your life over to its care. The purpose of these exer
Exercise cises is to help you see more clearly how you live life according to your own
will rather than turning your will and your life over to a Higher Power.
Background The following paragraphs are the background reading assignment for this step.
We are responsible for acting in our own best interest in our lives, making
Reading sure that we are taking care of ourselves without offending other people in that
process. It is our responsibility to make an effort at change. We work at chang
ing regardless of a Higher Power. When we reach the point where we can see
that using our will is not enough to make a change take place, we can use Step
Three. When we are in a state of powerlessness and become aware that we can’t
change any further, we then turn our will over to our Higher Power to assist
us in changing, and we let go of determining how we’re going to change or even
if we’re going to change. This is a “letting-go” step.
I usually say something like, “Okay, Higher Power, Tve done all I can. I
can’t do the changing that I know I need to do. Therefore, I turn myself over
to your will for me. If I change it will be because it is your will. If I don’t
change, I will live in that experience and learn to embrace myself in my perfect
imperfection, which is also your will for me.”
I believe that this step is third in the order of steps because if we truly do
Step One and become aware of our disease, we have a tendency to feel over
whelmed with how “sick” we are. In Step Two, we see that our behavior is self-
defeating to the point of insanity. At this point, Step Three keeps us from being
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overwhelmed by what we learned in Steps One and Two. We say, in effect,

“Higher Power, I turn my skewed reality and my codependent life over to you
to deal with. I can hardly stand to even acknowledge my codependence right
now.”
But even though this step is a beginning to “let go and let a Higher Power,”
at this stage of recovery we are not as able to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of a Higher Power as we will be after working the rest of the steps.
We will gain a lot more information as we look at how our disease has
impacted the lives of others with whom we are in relationship, and then well
know more specifically what we have to turn over.
As pointed out by two Alcoholics Anonymous speakers (Joe and Charlie),
the first three words of the step-‘Made a decision-are very important. At this
stage of recovery, most of us really don't know how to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of a Higher Power. But we make a decision that our inten
tion is to do just that. And in the process of working Steps Four through
Twelve, the Higher Power will teach us how to let go, how to stop solving
everything ourselves, how to stop using our own will, how to stop trying to
control the outcome of our lives. The decision is “Yes, Fm going to learn how
to turn it over and Fm going to begin learning by doing the next step and then
the next one until Fve done all twelve.”
What To Do Begin to notice yourself struggling to use your own will, make a change by
yourself, solve a problem alone, control the outcome of your life or someone
else’s, but then remember to use Step Three and turn it over to a Higher Power.
Whenever this happens, describe here the issue, the process you went through
to arrive at Step Three, what happened with regard to the situation after you
released it, and how you felt emotionally before and after turning it over.
EXAMPLE DAT®: July 1988 Situation (Problem, Change, Sto.):

My cousin Is engaged to be married. I have met her flanc&e
and I can see that they will never get along over the years. I
keep going over In my mind how to tell them so I can help
them avoid a tragic mistake.
How I Bealised I Must Turn It Over:

I discussed the problem with my sponsor. She asked me, “If
someone had told you not to marry your first husband, would
that have stopped you?” I realized someone DID try to tell me
that we weren’t compatible, but I was sure I could see some
thing they couldn’t and I knew they were wrong. I married
him and we were soon divorced. I was wrong, but I hadn’t
been able to hear any of the people who’d tried to tell me. 1b
find some inner peace about my cousin’s engagement, I real
ized I needed to acknowledge that ultimately a Higher Power
Is In charge of things, not me, and that Includes my cousin’s
marriage. So I turned my life and my will and my cousin’s
marriage in particular over to my Higher Power.
What Happened After I Released It:

Several months later, my cousin and her fiancfie broke up. My
cousin told me that she and this man had worked on problem
areas between them for months and he just couldn’t feel com
fortable marrying her, so he broke it off. She was very hurt.
For eight months she grieved. But then she met a great guy
who is much more like her and they are happily dating.
How I Felt
Before: After:
Fearful and anxious Calm, serene
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Times When I Have Turned Situations Over to a Higher Power

1. DATS:
Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):
How I Bealiaed I Must Turn It Over;

What Happened After I Beleaeed It:
How I Felt Before: After:

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8. DATE:
Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):
How I Bealixed I Must Turn It Over:

What Happened After I Beleaaed It:
How I Belt Before: After:

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What Happened After I Beleaaed It:
How I Felt Before: After:

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Sometimes you turn certain issues over to a Higher Power and then you
resume using your own will in the situation, or take it back from the Higher
Power. Write here about any situation you have written about earlier that you
have taken back, each time you take it back. Note the dates to see whether you
are letting progressively more time pass before you take a problem back.
EXAMPLE DATE: Oct. 1988 Situation:

My cousin’s engagement: almost told her I thought they were
Incompatible and was glad the guy had broken up with her.
DATE: Oct. 1988 What Made Me Be-turn It Over:

Saw her pain and decided my comment was unnecessary and
might hurt her relationship with me. Put it back in the
Higher Power's control.
Times When I Have Re-turned Situations Over

1. DAM
Situation:
DAM:
What Made Me Be-turn It Over:
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Step Four
“Made a searching andfearless moral inventory of

ourselves.”
Purpose of Even though your parents are responsible and accountable for what happened
to you in childhood, you are now in charge of your life and your recovery. You
Exercise alone can work to become nonoffensive in your relationships. This step is
designed to help you see how you are being offensive as an adult so that you
can change and heal through working Steps Seven through Twelve.
Step Four is a moral inventory. For the codependent specifically, it is a
look at how you have authentically offended other people. “Authentic offense”
means that by your behavior you have been disrespectful of someone else’s
boundary. For example, screaming at someone because you are angry is an act
of verbal offense. Hugging or touching someone who does not wish to be
touched or without his or her permission is an act of physical offense. Relying
on a child to meet your need for emotional intimacy instead of being there to
meet the child’s need and relying on your spouse or a significant adult for emo
tional intimacy is an act of emotional sexual offense toward that child.
Authentic offense does not include situations in which someone notices
what you look like or what you are thinking, feeling, or doing, and doesn’t like
it. That person may have feelings and thoughts about what he or she has
noticed and tell you that he or she is offended. But your appearance, thinking,
feelings, and behavior are not acts of authentic offense if you have not dis
regarded anyone’s boundaries.
For example, a husband may feel angry and hurt on Father’s Day because
his wife did not contact all the grown children to arrange a family backyard
barbecue for him. He may express his anger and hurt at his wife for her
“neglect.” But she may think that it is not her job to make Father’s Day happen
for her husband-it is the job of his children. So she has not authentically
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offended him by this “neglect.” Therefore, she has not committed an act of
authentic offense even though her husband perceives that her neglect has
caused his anger and pain. He is simply in a codependent state of blaming
other people for what he is thinking and feeling. She uses her internal bound
ary to be present and listen to his thoughts and feelings, noting the impact of
her behavior, having feelings about seeing a loved one in distress, but not
taking responsibility for his distress.
Before you write about your disregard of the boundaries of others, I will
ask you to review the corresponding chapter in Facing Codependence, as well
as your writing in Step One about the condition of each area of your boundary
system. This is because where you have damaged boundaries or none at all,
you are likely to be offensive to others in that same area.
Here are the ground rules for the following exercises:
1. As you do the background reading to review the various kinds of abuse,

look this time for ways in which you have been the offender, not the
victim.
.2. Limit the time span of your inventory to your adult life-the time
period from age eighteen to the present. The reason for this is that
when you were a child and were committing abusive or offensive acts
toward anyone, you did this because your boundaries weren’t fully
developed and also because no adult caretaker was confronting your
offensive behavior, correcting and guiding you to adjust your thinking,
feelings, and behavior toward being nonoffensive. Or your caregiver(s)
set you up by giving you a responsibility that was over your head and
that you could not handle in a Junctional way because you were a child
and not an adult. In my opinion, these instances do not belong in a Step
Four inventory.
3. Look at how you have offended both adults and children.
4. Examine your attitudes and judgments as well as your actions. Step

Four is not only about your behavior, but also about offensive attitudes
and judgments. It is important that you be as thorough and specific as
possible in the following writing since this material will be the basis
for later steps.
Physical Offenses
Background Chapter 10 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your external-physical boundary.
Reading Anything that violates another person’s right to control how, when, where,
and by whom his or her body is touched is considered to be an authentic act
of physical offense. Here is a review of your physical rights:
1. As an adult, nobody has the right to touch you without your permis
sion. Also, you do not have the right to touch anyone without that per
son’s permission.
2. People to whom you have given permission to touch you may touch you
only in the way in which you want to be touched. Also, if someone
gives you permission to touch him or her, you only may touch the per
son in the way in which that person wants to be touched.
3. It’s your responsibility to take control of how, when, where, and who
touches you. You need to be able to exercise that control with most
people, unless you’re dealing with a major offender. Also, in recovery,
you need to be able to respect the rights of others over how, when,
where, and who touches them. You do not “give” them the right; it is
already the right of everyone. Rather, you learn to recognize it and
respect it.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults (age eighteen and up) in your life,
including those with your spouse or former spouse(s), parents (after you were
eighteen), siblings (after they were eighteen), adult children, co-workers,
friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Use the following space to describe
instances when you have disregarded the physical boundary of any adult.
EXAMPLE NAME: Aunt Bett DATE: Since 10/82

WHAT HAPPENED: Whenever I go see Aunt Bett in the nurs
ing home I give her a hearty hug. She always cringes and
withdraws, but I ignore it. I hug her so the nurses and any
one else who is watching won’t think I don't like Aunt Bett.
Perhaps with her severe arthritis I have been hurting her. I
have not gotten her permission to hug her and have ignored
her physical indications.
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Now review your relationships with children (age seventeen and under),
including your own children and any other children with whom you have come
into contact (in the classroom, baby-sitting, at the church nursery, at swim
ming lessons, coaching, in scout troops, as guests in your home, and so on. In
the following space, describe instances when you have disregarded the physical
boundary of any child.
EXAMPLE NAMI: Jimmy DATE: Last week

WHAT HAPPENED: I sat down next to Jimmy on the couch to
watch “Sesame Street” with him. He squirmed and said,
“Mom, would you move over? I feel squashed.” I laughed at
him and said, “No, Jimmy. I like to sit this close to you. It
feels good.” I made him sit there and violated his need for
space.
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Sexual Offenses
workbook about the condition of your external-sexual boundary.
Reading Each person has the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how
he or she will be sexual. Any healthy sexual activity you engage in with
another adult is done with that person’s full consent and agreement and does
not violate commitments you have made to another person. (For example, a
commitment to be faithful to a wife or husband would mean that having a sex
ual relationship with another person would fall into the category of authentic
sexual abuse to your permanent partner and possibly to the outside person you
are having sex with and her or his partner.) And where children are concerned,
no adult should ever do anything sexual with a child, no matter what behavior
the child may be doing that may lead an adult to think the child “wants” to be
sexual.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following space
to describe instances when you have disregarded the sexual boundary of any
adult.
EXAMPLE NAME: Sherrie (my wife) DATE: all the time

WHAT HAPPENED: I insist that my wife have sex with me
every night, even when she is too tired or uncomfortable from
her monthly cycle. Sometimes she tries to decline, but I know
how to act cute and cuddly and pester her until she finally
gives in. I realize she probably decides it’s less trouble to “get
it over with” than argue with me endlessly about it.
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Now review your relationships with children in your life, and use the fol
lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the sexual
EXAMPLE SAME: Cindi DATX: last week

WHAT HAPPSNID: I came into my 12-year-old daughter’s
room when she had just started getting dressed. She jumped,
jerked her gown In front of her, and said, “Daddy, don’t you
ever knockl?” I got angry and said, “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m
your father. I don’t have to knock.” I was insensitive to her
right to privacy and embarrassed her sexually. I also put
myself above the rule of knocking before entering anyone's
private space.
NAME: Sally DATE: 10/76

WHAI HAPPENED: My daughter had a slumber party for her
16th birthday. The next morning I made comments to her that
she had the best-looking boobs of all her friends. She blushed
and looked miserable, but I kept on kidding her about how
she and the other girls looked in their nightgowns.
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Emotional Offenses
workbook about the condition of your internal-emotional boundary.
Reading You commit an authentic act of emotional abuse whenever you violate
anyone’s internal boundary by manipulating or attempting to control his or her
feelings.
to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-emotional bound
ary of any adult.
EXAMPLE NAMI: Sandy DATE: 10/87

WHAT HAPPENED: My girlfriend told me she was hurt
because I hadn’t called her for a week. I told her she didn’t
feel hurt, she felt Jealous and possessive and I couldn’t stand
a possessive woman. I did not accept her word that she was
hurt.
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How 1 Have Disregarded Internal-Emotional Boundaries of Adults

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lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-
emotional boundary of any child.
EXAMPLE KAMI: Brenda DATA: 9/88

WHAT HAPPIHSD: I baby-sat with my 3-year-old niece. When
she orled and asked for her mommy, I told her she didn’t
really feel sad, she was just hungry, and I got her some cook
ies and milk. I wouldn’t talk to her about her sadness, and
since she quit crying as she ate the cookies, I thought I had
solved the problem.
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How I Have Disregarded Internal-Emotional Boundaries of Children

HAM: DAIS:
WHAZ HATrXHID:
STAMX: DATS:
WHAT HAM1H1D:
NAMI: DAU:
WHAI HAPPINID:
NAMI: DATI:
WHAT HAPPISID:
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Intellectual Offenses
workbook about the condition of your internal-intellectual boundary.
Reading All people have the right to think what they think. They only need to face
the consequences of their thinking. Yet in your disease of codependence, you
are likely to interfere with the right of other people to have their thinking and
the consequences of it. If you are actively in your disease of codependence and
disregarding people’s internal thinking boundary, you try to reason, argue,
and/or demand that they change their thinking for your own comfort, in a mis
guided attempt to help them avoid the consequences you think they are going
to have by thinking the way they do. Or perhaps your motivation is that their
thinking about YOU is not to your liking and you can’t stand to have people
thinking that way about you.
In recovery, with good internal boundaries, you will be able to have inner
peace even when someone else has the “wrong idea” about you. A useful
phrase I have heard for times like these is “Just because he/she thinks that
doesn’t make it true for me.”
With children, who need your guidance, it is likely that you have authenti
cally offended them by giving your guidance in a shaming, authoritarian way.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following chart
to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-intellectual
boundary of any adult.
EXAMPLE NAMI: Tim DAIX: 2/81

WHAT HAPPINID: I told my boyfriend Tim that he didn’t
want to go to Yale because the students were stuck-up, but
that he wanted to go to Texas Tech where everyone was friend
lier. In reality, I wanted him to be nearer to me while I fin
ished high school. He did go to Texas Tech, but we broke up a
year later. He could have done very well at Yale ... he was
very smart.
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How I Have Disregarded Internal-Intellectual Boundaries of Adults

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lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-
intellectual boundary of any child.
EXAMPLE HAMX: Bobby DAIX: July

WHATHATPXWJID: My 14-year-old son wanted to try out for
football at school. I told him he didn't want to do that, but
should try out on his drums for the band. I controlled his
reality about football because I was afraid he would get hurt
playing the game.
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Spiritual Offenses
workbook about the condition of your internal-spiritual boundary.
Reading To live a mature life as a recovering adult, you must be able to have a posi
tive relationship to a power that is truly greater than you are.
You engage in authentic spiritual abuse whenever you demand to be some
one else’s Higher Power. This is most often done when you give yourself the
right to determine what someone else will look like, think, feel, or do or not
do.
It is also spiritually abusive to insist that someone else be your Higher
Power. While it is true that the Higher Power can communicate with you
through people, you must be aware that a human being is only a channel, not
the Higher Power. Your understanding of such a Higher Power may be limited
at first, but through working the steps it will mature. Relying on a human being
to be your Higher Power leads only to disappointment, frustration, and
brokenness in the relationship, whether the person is a parent, a spouse, a
sponsor in the program, a minister, a therapist, an author of a helpful book, or
a friend. The Higher Power is not another human being, and putting a human
being in that position in your life is an act of spiritual abuse toward that person.
It is also an act of spiritual offense to give a person the message that there
is something wrong with him or her. There is a healthy and functional way to
express yourself (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) to other people that doesn’t
diminish, demean, belittle, accuse, or shame the other person. You say simply,
“This is what you did [said, or whatever] and this is how I feel about it [hurt,
frightened, angry].” This approach doesn’t analyze, judge, criticize, call
names, or condemn. When you analyze, judge, criticize, or condemn some
one, you are spiritually offending the other person by attacking the feet that he
or she is a precious, fallible human being (who may have the disease of
codependence or not, is not perfect, and is likely to be offensive at times).
If you are a parent, it is necessary and appropriate for you to act as a
Higher Power toward your children for a while. Since the child’s concept of a
Higher Power comes from you, it is your responsibility to model a nurturing,
affirming, and appropriately structuring Higher Power, so that the child’s con
cept of a Higher Power is functional. But when you parent in the way that
humiliates or shames the child inordinately, then you are spiritually offending
that child.
Functional parenting leads a child to a relationship with a Higher Power
that is greater than the child and greater than you are. You do not cover up your
own fallibility in dealing with your child. You admit it and fece it. It is an
authentic act of spiritual offense to offend a child (or anyone) and then refuse
to offer amends and to make restitution. When you are wrong in some way in
the relationship with your child (or anyone), or are imperfect in a way that the
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child can observe, you admit it, make amends, and make restitution where
necessary. This can be done without losing your position of authority or the
respect and love of your child. Hiding your imperfections from your child is
an act of authentic spiritual abuse toward that child (unless it involves an area
of your life that is none of the child’s business). The message the child gets
from a “perfect parent” is that when the child grows up, he or she will never
fail either, which is far from reality, or that he or she was not valuable enough
to deserve apologies and amends.
to describe instances when you have disregarded the spiritual boundary of any
adult.
EXAMPLE NAME: Janice DAZE: Last week

WHAT HAPPENED: My best friend has helped me through
every crisis I have had since we met 10 years ago. I cannot
make a decision without asking her opinion first. In fact, I
usually wind up doing what she says. Lately, she’s been get
ting vague about her answers to my problems. I got really
mad last time and told her she was letting me down. I have
been insisting that she be my Higher Power.
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lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the spiritual
EXAMPLE SAMI: Matt DAM: 11/88

WHAT HAPPENED: My 10-year-old son asked me why he had
to go to bed at 8:00 every night when other kids in his class
stayed up until 9:00.1 told him that he had to do what I said
as long as he lived in this house and that he'd better not ever
question our household rules. I didn't give him the right to
have his own thoughts but taught him I was the god of the
family and would do all the thinking.
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“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Purpose of Now that you have written as much as you can about the various forms of authen
tic offense and how you have disregarded the boundaries of those with whom
Exercise you are in relationship, Step Five is necessary to keep moving into recovery.
Background Read the following paragraphs before doing this exercise.

Reading
ADMITTED TO GOD, TO OURSELVES .. .
As you approach and while you are doing Step Five, try to keep God as you
understand God in your consciousness-a caring, nonjudgmental power
greater than you, your parents, and the person who is listening to your
admission.
As you tell another person the exact nature of your wrongs, I believe it is
important also to be especially aware yourself of what you are saying. The pro
cess is more like admitting to ourselves and God (whom we are keeping in our
consciousness) while the other person is just there listening. In other words,
doing Step Five is more than quickly reading off your lists of offenses toward
others from your workbook without really hearing yourself.
. . . AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING ...
Describing the characteristics of someone who would be a good person to do

your Step Five with is difficult. If I made a list of ideal characteristics, no one
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could measure up because no perfect human beings exist. But here are a few
guidelines. I think it is important for the person hearing your Step Five to be
• someone whom you trust to keep this information confidential
• someone who is the same sex as you, unless you are homosexual
• someone who has done this step himself or herself and is in a Twelve-
Step program for his or her own codependence
• someone who has a sense of a power greater than himself or herself and
greater than the person’s own parents, and whose Higher Power is not
another human being (sponsor, therapist, or whomever)
• someone who is, in your mind, clearly not your Higher Power
• someone who does not demand to be your Higher Power by attempting

to create your reality for you (telling you what you should feel or think
or do). Instead, this person needs to have the capacity to be with you as
you share your thoughts and feelings and let you have them without try
ing to interrupt, change anything, or interfere in any way. This person
just supports you by listening and letting you be right where you are.
. .. THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS
“The exact nature of our wrongs” is how we’ve offended other people’s bound
aries. You’ve described the exact nature of your wrongs in the lists you have
written for Step Four about your disregarding the boundaries of adults and
children in your life. You say out loud in the presence of another human being:
“This is what I did to violate someone else’s boundaries.” You may wish to take
this workbook with you and use it as a guideline as you explain exactly what
happened between you and these other people.
As you do this step, talk about what happened, and every time you notice
an emotion, no matter what you are saying at the moment, stop to name the
emotion and allow yourself to experience the feelings. You might simply say,
‘Tm feeling really sad about this” (or whatever the emotion is).
What To Do 1. Choose someone to whom you will tell how you have disregarded other
people’s boundaries. Ask that person to hear your Step Five. If that per
son is not free to do so at this time, choose someone else and ask that
person. When you find someone who can hear your Step Five, write
that person’s name here:
2. Make an appointment with him or her. Write the time and date of the
appointment here:
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3. After you have met with this person and told him or her your Step Five,
use the following space to reflect about what it was like. You may
choose to include such things as a general description of what was
said, how you felt before you started, how you felt during the step
itself, and how you felt afterward. If you identified any general patterns
about yourself in this process, note them here.
Reflections on My Experience with Step Five

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character.”
Purpose of The purposes of Step Six are (1) to identify the defects of character you are now
ready to see, having done Steps Four and Five, and (2) to become willing to
Exercise live without them and learn a more mature way to live.
By doing Steps Four and Five you began to see yourself as having prob
lems. These problems are defects of character that come out of your experi
ences of powerlessness and the unmanageable consequences of the core
symptoms. Codependent character defects are attitudes, feelings, and behav
iors you hang on to that sabotage your happiness and relationships and keep
you from taking responsibility for your own life and recovery. Once you have
recognized these character defects, you can then make a decision that you are
ready to have the Higher Power remove them.
Recognizing how these character defects are sabotaging your life by affect
ing you and also the people in relationship with you is a painful process. It has
been said that recovery is a pain-driven process. Until you get into enough
pain, you are not motivated to do anything about genuine recovery.
Background Following are descriptions of several typical character defects many codepen
dents have, along with a discussion of how each defect sabotages your life
Reading when you try to relate to others using these shortcomings. We have not
attempted to list every possible character defect, nor do we mean to say that
each codependent has them all. Use this selection as a beginning place from
which to draw up your personal list of character defects. Read each descrip
tion, then do the writing exercise for any that apply to you before proceeding
to the next one.
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People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is dishonest, can provoke unnecessary arguments, and can
produce resentment toward others. Here’s a brief description of each of these
three sabotaging effects.
DISHONESTY
You give up what you really want and do what someone else wants, because
your doing so pleases that person. You avoid saying what you mean because
you believe saying something else would please that person more. You make
commitments to people for things you do not want to do or cannot do without
a lot of trouble—even things you don’t know how to do, so that you have to go
through a learning process before you can accomplish the thing you have
agreed to do.
You deceive the other person into thinking (1) that you like to do these
things because you commit to do them, (2) that the things you say represent
your true feelings, your true self, and (3) that you do and say these things
because they enhance your own life and make you happy in and of themselves.
How this sabotages your life: The other person cannot relate to the real
person you are, because you have hidden yourself from him or her.
UNNECESSARY ARGUMENTS
When you are people-pleasing, you are embroiled in commitments and activi
ties that do not enhance your life or bring you joy. But you tell yourself you are
willing to do them to please the other person, and that person’s pleasure
enhances your life. The problem with this is, if the person doesn’t exhibit the
pleasure you think he or she should or doesn’t express gratitude for your partic
ipation in the activity, your life is not enhanced and you feel anger, fear, or
pain. The purpose of putting yourself through these undesirable behaviors and
commitments has backfired, and instead of enhancement you feel diminished
by your anger, fear, and/or pain.
In your codependence, you are very likely to hold the other person respon
sible for your diminishment. Since you deceived the other person into thinking
you chose these commitments and behaviors, expressing your anger directly
sounds bizarre to the other person. The other person’s response is something
like, “But I thought you wanted to eat at this restaurant.” “I thought you pre
ferred to go alone to pick up the children at camp.” Your deception causes an
automatic deadlock in the communication.
How this sabotages your life: The other person is deceived, baffled, defen
sive. You have subjected that person to unnecessary arguments and attacks
growing out of your misdirected anger at the person for things he or she has
no awareness of.
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RESENTMENT
When you engage in people-pleasing, you often assume that a nonspoken

agreement exists between you and the other person and that he or she will treat
you in a similar people-pleasing manner. After you’ve given up what you want
to do in favor of pleasing the other person, a time comes when you expect the
same “courtesy” from the other person. When the person, who has no idea that
this nonspoken agreement is in your mind, does not reciprocate, resentment
builds and you subject the other person to your “retaliation,” whether it be
aggressive and outright anger or passive retaliation on a more subtle level.
Tm not talking about when you make a clear choice to compromise and,
for example, go with the other person to a certain movie, as long as the reason
for your choice is clear to the other person. For example, a choice between see
ing one of two movies, a comedy and a spy mystery, comes up. You might pre
fer the spy mystery while the other person really enjoys comedies more. If you
can say, “Comedies are not my favorite kind of movie, but Til go with you
because you want to see it and because I want to be with you. Next time we go
to a movie Td like to go to the spy mystery and would enjoy having you go with
me,” that is a clear communication. Even if the other person does not ever want
to go to the spy mystery, he or she isn’t deceived into thinking you preferred the
comedy.
The situation becomes people-pleasing when you pretend to prefer the
comedy and withhold from the other person the honest reason you are going
to the comedy. Then, later, when you bring up the spy mystery movie and the
other person’s response is lukewarm or negative, resentment pops up. You
think, “That’s not fair! I cheerfully went to the comedy with him (her) and now
it’s his (her) turn. He (She) never does things I want to do.” You turn sour and
sullen, distancing yourself, and the other person has no idea what is going on
with you.
How this sabotages your life: The other person is subjected to your unex
pected “retaliation” methods when your resentment comes up about something
he or she did not have information about.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how people-pleasing operates in your life,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does people-pleasing harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to it?

How People-Pleasing Operates in My Life
1. How does people-pleasing harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does if affect others adversely and blook intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live
without it?

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Perfectionism
Perfectionism is that compulsive drive to do things perfectly, leaving no detail
imperfect. Since no one can perform this way all the time in the real world,
perfectionism leads to dishonest cover-ups, and when a cover-up is impossi
ble, unnecessary pain and agony result when your mistakes are revealed. You
also can shut others out of your life with perfectionism. Here’s a brief descrip
tion of how each of these sabotaging processes operates.
DISHONEST COVER-UPS
Since making a mistake is so painful, you often construct massive cover-ups to

prevent others from knowing about your mistakes. If you are confronted with
a mistake, but engage in long explanations and justifications about why your
error wasn’t really an error, or how it was somebody else’s fault, you are engag
ing in such a cover-up.
How this sabotages your life'. Living with a person who never seems to
make a mistake or cannot admit it when the mistake comes to light, is painful
for other people in relationship with you. When one person is able to admit
making mistakes, even though you respond with kind, benevolent forgiveness,
the feet that you don’t seem to err makes the honest person’s mistakes even
more painful to confess. And as your children watch you with the innocent eyes
that only children have, they see your mistakes and the way you cover them up
and learn to model their behavior after yours and cover up their own mistakes.
Or if they buy into your “perfection,” they may become intensely intimidated
by you and shamed by their own natural imperfections.
UNNECESSARY PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT

Sometimes it is inevitable that your mistakes will catch up to you and be known
by others and yourself, with no way to hide them and no one to blame them on.
Reacting to such mistakes with painful agony, crying, and/or anger implies that
you think you should have been perfect and not made any mistake.
How this sabotages your life: With this attitude toward mistakes, you are
subjecting the people in your life to unnecessary anguish, since they must deal
with you while you have your (unnecessary and inappropriate) pain and anger.
SHUTTING OUT OTHERS
Becoming absorbed in a task to the degree it takes to do it “perfectly” is very

likely to remove you physically and emotionally from the other people in your
life. It takes more time, your level of concentration is very deep, and you are
not as emotionally available to others as you could be if you could lighten up.
As I have learned from my husband, Pat, “some things are worth doing, but
worth doing poorly." That translates to me in certain circumstances, “Go on
and get it over with and move on with life and relationships that are more
important than how I did some routine task perfectly or prepared for an infor
mal party in my home as if it were a wedding reception for the governor and
his wife.”
How this sabotages your life: Other people may often feel shut out, afraid
to interrupt you even with a legitimate need or just because they want to spend
time with you. You may often be telling friends, “Not now, Tm busy,” when you
are busy with myriad details of perfecting something that doesn’t matter as
much as healthy relationships matter. Perfectionism can be used as a wall of
protection from relationships in which you are uncomfortable because of the
pain of being in the less-than position.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how perfectionism operates in your life, if
it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does trying to do everything “perfectly” harm you and keep you
from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your perfectionism
and learn to live without it?

170 / BREAKING FREE
How Perfectionism Operates in My Life

1. How does trying to do everything “perfectly" harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your perfectionism and learn to
live without it?

Striving for Power

When you approach life from the better-than position, you are often in power
struggles with those with whom you relate. In a power struggle, each of the
combatants is struggling for the right to be in charge of what the other one
does, when it is done, who is right, what the rules are, when they can be bro
ken, and so on. This striving may take place at home with your mate and chil
dren, at work with your boss or subordinates, or socially with friends.
Whether you win or lose the struggle, the other person is affected just by your
engaging in such struggles in the first place.
How this sabotages your life: Relating to a person who continually tries to
be in power is very difficult. If you are the power-hungry person and win a
power struggle, the other person usually winds up in the less-than position,
which does not feel good. Thus, staying in a relationship with you requires that
the other person be willing to tolerate this less-than position.
Whether you win or not, the feet that you treat relationships as a power
struggle and constantly attempt to win means that the other people around you
must often put out energy and effort to defend against you in the struggle for
power, which can be exhausting and discouraging.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how striving for power operates in your
life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does always having to be right, in control, or having the last word
harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does striving for power affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your power hunger
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to your need to “win” in your
relationships?
172 / BREAKING FREE
How Striving for Power Operates in My Life

1. How does always having to ba right, in control, or having the last word harm you
and keep you from being in recovery?
S. How does striving for power affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your power hunger and learn to live
without it?
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to your need to “win” in

your relationships?
Overcommitment
Overcommitment is the result of not being able to say no to others. You
become overwhelmed with outside commitments at work, church, in the com
munity, and helping friends and distant relatives with projects.
How this sabotages your life-. The people in your family, or those with
whom you have significant close relationships, face quite a challenge when
phrasing an everyday request, if they are sensitive and do not wish to over
whelm you. They may keep quiet about their own needs and wants because
they can see how overwhelmed you already are. Also, it is lonely and painful
for others to be shut out of your life while you are whirling around trying to
meet all unnecessary commitments you made because you couldn’t say no.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how overcommitment operates in your life,
1. How does overcommitment harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your compulsion to
overcommit and learn to live without it?

174 / BREAKING FREE
How Overcommitment Operates in My Life
X. How does overcommitment harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your compulsion to overcommit

Physical or Mental Illness

When you are overwhelmed with too many obligations, the resulting stress can
create physical symptoms or mental conditions such as depression or irritabil
ity. Often you do not acknowledge these symptoms but inflict the consequences
of them on people close to you. You may ignore symptoms that warn of more
serious illnesses until those illnesses develop—painful debilitating ones such
as allergies or arthritis, or life-threatening ones such as cancer and heart
disease.
How this sabotages your life: The people close to you must endure your
irritability and give you space to recover from the stress of illness. Your illness
may require them to spend time, energy, and money on your care and on taking
care of the things that you can’t do because you are sick. And when you
have your heart attack, develop your cancer, creep around in agony with your
arthritis, drag through days and weeks of depression, allergies, and so on, you
are not able to be physically available in your relationships.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how physical or mental illness operates in
your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your physical or mental condition harm you and keep you
2. How does the stress of dealing with it affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live
without it?

176 / BREAKING FREE
How Physical or Mental Illness Operates in My Life
1. How does your physical or mental condition harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
8. How does the stress of dealing with it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live without it?

Tolerating Sexual Abuse

and Loss of Personal Morality
With damaged or nonexistent sexual boundaries, you may not be able to be

faithful to your spouse or significant other sexually. (Being a sex addict and
sexual offender is discussed in Step Four. This section is about being in the vic
tim stance sexually.)
A separate issue from infidelity is tolerating sexual abuse from the person
to whom you are committed to be faithful. This includes not being able to say
no when your partner asks you to do sexual acts that are uncomfortable or
painful, embarrassing, or against your moral code (for example, mate swap
ping, posing for pornographic pictures, and so on).
How this sabotages your life: A person living with a codependent who
cannot be faithful sexually because of not being able to say no to inappropriate
sexual advances is subjected to betrayal and faithlessness by someone he or she
has loved and trusted. This is very painful. The unfaithful victim-codependent
is subject to guilt and fear about not being responsible for his or her sexuality.
If you cannot say no to unpleasant sexual activities, your sexual partner is
deceived into believing you enjoy them. You are subject to loss of personal
comfort and dignity, along with possible physical injury. Also your level of
respect for this partner may deteriorate, which seriously impairs your ability
to relate to the person in a functional, loving, respectful manner. The deterio
ration of the relationship takes place without the other party knowing what the
real cause is, giving that person no chance to deal with the real issues. The
consequences are similar to those resulting from people-pleasing.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how tolerating sexual abuse and the loss
of personal morality operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a
guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your inability to say no sexually harm you and keep you
2. How does your inability to say no affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove the inability to say no

178 / BREAKING FREE
How Tblerating Sexual Abuse Operates in My Life
1. How does your inability to gay no sexually harm you and keep TOufrnm twing
in recovery?
8. How does your inability to say no affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove the inability to say no and learn
to live without it?

Blaming Others for Your Reality

and Taking Responsibility for the Reality
of Others
With damaged or nonexistent internal boundaries, you have reality in reverse,

blaming other people for your own reality and taking responsibility for theirs.
For example, you tell others that it’s their fault that you are depressed (or
angry, fearful, and so on). On the other hand, you may think that you caused
their feelings or behavior. You interpret events with your skewed thinking,
have skewed feelings, and blame the other person for your discomfort.
Because of your own denial, you find it difficult to believe what the other per
son tells you about his or her own reality about the event.
How this sabotages your life: Living with a codependent who blames oth
ers for how he or she looks or what he or she is thinking, feeling, or choosing
to do or not do (his or her reality) is painful and difficult. Every day it’s as if
the person living with you is walking through a mine field, waiting for blowups
and attacks that cannot be avoided because he or she does not know how you
are interpreting events, doing your skewed thinking, and then having inap
propriate feelings about it.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how blaming others for your reality and
taking responsibility for theirs operates in your life, if it does. Use these ques
tions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does blaming others for your reality and taking responsibility for
theirs harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this misplacing of responsibility for your own and others’
reality affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your blaming others
and taking blame, and learn to live without it?
4. If not, what are you gaming by holding on to it?

180 / BREAKING FREE
How Misplacing Responsibility for My Own and Others’ Reality Operates in My Life
1. How does blaming others for your reality and taking responsibility for theirs
harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does this misplacing of responsibility for your own and others’ reality
affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your blaming others and
taking blame, and learn to live without it?

Indecisiveness
With damaged or nonexistent intellectual boundaries, you have a very difficult
time making decisions about the everyday events in your life. Fbr example, an
indecisive codependent might have difficulty deciding where to eat, what
movie to see, or what suit to buy. Or another example might be as follows: A
husband and wife agree on a certain policy about disciplining the children. But
then the wife’s mother comes for a visit and the mother has her own strong
opinions that are different from those of the couple. The codependent wife
changes her thinking and adopts her mother’s opinions, opposing the husband.
This is very painful for the husband.
How this sabotages your life: The person living or working with an indeci
sive codependent is subject to bafflement, frustration, anger, pain, and confu
sion when he or she experiences the codependent’s changing from supporting
the ideas the person presented to opposing them after being influenced by
someone else.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how indecisiveness operates in your life,,
1. How does indecisiveness harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does indecisiveness affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your indecisiveness

182 / BREAKING FREE
How Indecisiveness Operates in My Life
1. How does indecisiveness harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does indecisiveness affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your indecisiveness and learn
to live without it?

Pushing Others to Be Your Higher Power

When you cannot own your thinking very well, you often cannot make deci
sions about the everyday events in life. You expect the person with whom you
are in relationship to come up with a decision and then you go along with it.
But if you do not like the other person’s decision, you often feel free to attack
it or whine and complain that it isn’t the right thing to do. When asked, you do
not come up with a decision of your own.
How this sabotages your life: The other person finds himself or herself
solely responsible for decisions and opinions on many family issues, such as
child rearing, how to spend the money, whether to take the children to doctors,
when to get the house repaired and whom to hire, where to go to church, and
so on. This responsibility for decision making pushes that person toward the
role of god or goddess of the relationship. The chosen decider is also subject
to your criticism and attacks when you don’t like the decision he or she made
or it doesn’t work out well.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how pushing others to be your Higher
Power operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for
writing about it:
1. How does forcing others to make decisions affecting you harm you and
keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this opting out of taking the responsibility for deciding affect
others adversely and block intimacy?
to live without it?

184 / BREAKING FREE
How Pushing Others to Be My Higher Power Operates in My Life
1. How does forcing others to make decisions affecting you harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
8. How does this opting out of taking the responsibility for deciding affect others
adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?

Lack of Passion
When you are at level B with your thinking or feelings, you cannot express an
opinion or exhibit any feelings, including love and joy as well as the negative
emotions, because you are not in touch with what your thinking or feelings
really are.
How this sabotages your life: You can be perceived as boring in conversa
tion because you never offer an opinion or risk disagreement. If you are at level
B with your feelings and cannot identify them at all, you can be perceived by
the other person as cold, nonaffectionate, impassionate, bland, and unexciting,
which deprives the other person of a warm, intimate relationship.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how being passionless (out of touch with
your true thoughts and feelings) operates in your life, if it does. Use these ques
tions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your lack of passion harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does this passionless way of being affect others adversely and
block intimacy?
to live without it?

186 / BREAKING FREE
How Lack of Passion Operates in My Life
1. How does your lack of passion harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this passionless way of being affect others adversely and block intimacy?

Expressing Feelings Explosively

At the other extreme, the inability to own your feelings directly leads to occa
sional experiences of explosive feelings. After months of being “nice” and not
angry, you may explode in rage over something that would ordinarily be only
irritating. You may sink into deep depression or suicidal thoughts after trying
to avoid owning your own pain. You may experience panic attacks as a result
of not directly owning your fear.
How this sabotages your life: When your feelings erupt with great
accumulated force at unexpected times, the people with whom you are in rela
tionship are wounded and startled, making life with you a very uneasy or even
frightening process.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how expressing feelings explosively oper
ates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about
it:
1. How does this explosiveness harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
to live without it?

188 / BREAKING FREE
How Expressing Feelings Explosively Operates in My Life

1- How docs this explosiveness harm you and keep you fmm being In reemmry?

Controlling the Reality of Others

When you cannot accept that your thinking is inaccurate, you cannot tolerate
anyone who indicates that this might be so. If someone challenges a statement
you have made, or merely expresses the fact that he or she doesn’t agree, you
begin to explain to the disputer why he or she is wrong and you are right,
which is telling this person what to think (a form of controlling his or her
reality).
How this sabotages your life: The person who disagrees with you suffers
from being misjudged, falsely accused, and attacked for nonoffensive expres
sions of his or her honest feelings or thoughts, because of your inability to
examine and own the possible inaccuracy of your own thinking.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how controlling the reality of others oper
it:
1. How does trying to get others to see things the way you do harm you
and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this not tolerating differences of opinion without being

threatened affect others adversely and block intimacy?
to live without it?

190 / BREAKING FREE
How Controlling the Reality of Others Operates in My Life
1. How does trying to get other

* to see thing
* the W you do harm you and keep you
8. How doe
* thia not tolerating difference
* of opinion without being threatened affect
*
other adversely and block intimacy?

Lying, Dishonesty, Untrustworthiness

When you cannot own what you have done or not done, you invent stories
about your behavior and tell them to the people you relate to. For example, if
you forget to mail a letter on the way to work, when asked about it you may
either say you did mail it (when you didn’t) or say "I don’t remember.” Also,
lying can be the result of distorting the reality of any situation to get what you
want without having to say directly what it is. For example, you may have a
mild headache, but claim your head is “splitting” to get your spouse to bring
you dinner in bed.
How this sabotages your life: Your lying subjects other people to confu
sion, doubt, and mistrust of you in the relationship. When confronted directly,
you are apt to lie or say "I don’t remember” to cover up reality.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how lying, dishonesty, or untrustworthi
ness operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writ
ing about it:
1. How does telling “white” (or regular) lies harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
2. How does lying or untrustworthiness affect others adversely and block

intimacy?
to live without it?

192 / BREAKING FREE
How Lying, Dishonesty, or Untrustworthiness Operates in My Life
1. How doe
* telling ‘‘white” (or regular) Ues harm you and keep you fmm being"
in recovery?
8. How does lying or untrustworthiness affect others adversely and block intimacy?

Helplessness
(Overwhelming Others
with Your Needs and Wants)
If you are in the position of being too needy and dependent, you place a huge
and inappropriate burden on other people in your life to meet your needs, a
responsibility that does not legitimately belong to others.
How this sabotages your life: This may create one or more of several
difficulties for other people. They may experience inadequacy and guilt at not
being able to meet your needs. They may need to back off and escape such a
huge responsibility, which means they cannot be in an intimate relationship
with you because of the need to keep distance for protection. They may experi
ence pain when you react with resentment because they are not meeting all
your needs.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how helplessness operates in your life, if
1. How does being helpless harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does your helplessness affect others adversely and block

intimacy?
to live without it?

194 / BREAKING FREE
How Helplessness Operates in My Life
1. How does being helpless harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does your helplessness affect others adversely and block intimacy?

Shutting Others Out

If you are in the position of being antidependent, you know what your needs
and wants are but refuse to ask for help when appropriate or to find out how
to properly meet them.
If you are in a position of being needless and wantless, you are not even
aware of some or all of your needs and wants. You may not eat properly, which
affects your health and subjects other people to dealing with you while you are
physically ill. You may not know you need physical and emotional nurturing
from your mate.
How this sabotages your life: The person to whom you relate intimately
may believe that he or she does not satisfy your need for, say, physical nurtur
ing (hugs, affectionate physical contact) or sex or emotional nurturing (time,
attention, and direction) or companionship. You shut the person out of being
able to satisfy the basic dependency needs and wants that last all your life. And
you also deprive the person of the opportunity to give intimacy to you, which
is half of the process of intimacy.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how being either antidependent or need
less and wantless operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a
guideline for writing about it:
1. How does the Til do it myself” or the Tm OK, I don’t need anything
or anybody” stance harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does your shutting others out affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
to live without it?

196 / BREAKING FREE
How Shutting Others Out Operates in My Life

1. How does the “I’ll do It myself" or the “I’m OK, I don’t need anything or anybody”
stance harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does your shutting others out affect others adversely and block intimacy?

Inappropriate Social Behavior

You may not know how to dress properly, or refuse to do so even though you
know how. You may not know correct social procedures or manners in certain
social situations, or you may know but be unable or unwilling to follow these
procedures. Or you could be in an antidependent state and try to guess at what
correct social procedures are without asking for help and information, guess
ing wrong but not knowing it.
How this sabotages your life: When you neglect your clothing needs, the
significant others in your life may experience shame or embarrassment about
your inadequate or inappropriate clothing (the shame you would feel if you
realized how inappropriate your clothing was). This can especially apply to
your children if you do not know how to dress them appropriately and set them
up for ridicule or shame when they go to school or out to play in the inadequate
or inappropriate clothing you provide.
The other people around you must also cope with their feelings about you
as you fail to hold up your end of the relationship in social situations such as
entertaining at home, going to the boss’s house for dinner, or going to a restau
rant with friends.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how inappropriate social behavior oper
it:
1. How does not knowing or being unwilling to find out what is appropri
ate, or not being willing to do it, harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
2. How does social ignorance or failure to do your part affect others

to live without it?

198 / BREAKING FREE
How Inappropriate Social Behavior Operates in My Life

*
1. How doe not knowing or being unwilling to find out what la appropriate, or not
being willing to do it, harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How doe
* aocial ignorance or failure to do your part affect other
* adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove thia defect and learn to live without it?

Irresponsibility
You are irresponsible if you are not doing your share of day-to-day chores at
home. You may not know how to establish and maintain appropriate living
space.
How this sabotages your life: The people with whom you share a home
then may have the full responsibility of making the home, or they must live in
a substandard (dirty, underfurnished, dangerous) environment. This can be
especially painful and harmful to your children, who depend on you to provide
them with and teach them how to care for appropriate, clean, safe housing.
(We are not talking about poverty-stricken parents with no income. We are dis
cussing the fact that many people who live in dirty, substandard places could
keep these places clean and repaired.)
What To Do Use the following space to describe how irresponsibility operates in your life,
1. How does your irresponsibility concerning how to establish and main

tain your living space harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
to live without it?

200 / BREAKING FREE
How Irresponsibility Operates in My Life

1. How does your irresponsibility concerning bow to establish and maintain your living
space harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
S. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?

Inadequate and Unfulfilling Sex Life

You may have sexual problems that could be worked out if you were aware of
them or if you would get help. But because you are not aware, or because you
are ashamed of not knowing what to do in this area, you won’t get help and con
tinue to live with an inadequate and unfulfilling sex life.
How this sabotages your life: Your mate is deprived of a satisfying sex life
with you, and the resulting resentment, frustration, and disappointment can
color your entire relationship.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how an inadequate and unfulfilling sex life
affects you, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does not dealing with your sexual problems harm you and keep
you from being in recovery?
2. How does not facing your sexual issues affect others adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your ignorance or fear
of getting help and learn to live without it?

202 / BREAKING FREE
How an Inadequate and Unfulfilling Sex Life Affects Me
1. How does not dealing with your sexual problems harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
8. How does not facing your sexual issues affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your ignorance or fear of getting help

Financial Problems
You may not be aware of how to deal with money appropriately. You may over
spend or refuse to spend enough to have the basic necessities for living plus
enjoying meeting some wants.
How this sabotages your life'. Not addressing financial responsibility sub
jects the people around you to either fear of going bankrupt because of your
overspending or, at the other extreme, fear of your anger if they buy even the
necessities for living.
What To Do Use the following space to describe the financial problems in your life, if there
are any. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about them:
1. How do financial worries or careless spending harm you and keep you
2. How do problems stemming from or blamed on financial difficulties

affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this fear or financial
irresponsibility and learn to live without it?

204 BREAKING FREE
How Financial Problems Affect Me
1. How do financial worries or careless spending harm you and keep you from being
in recovery? 8
8. How do problems stemming from or blamed on financial difficulties affect others

5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this fear or financial Irresponsibility

Extreme Problem Solving

If you are operating in extremes, you may fail to check out things that happen
in a relationship by asking the other person to tell you his or her thinking and
feelings related to the event or behavior. You also may not share your own
extreme thinking. You often just burst out with your exaggerated feelings
immediately following the event and then behave extremely. For example, if it
appears you have been hurt by someone you love, you may solve the problem
by stalking out, or by leaving the relationship altogether instead of sharing
your pain and trying to reach an understanding with the other person.
How this sabotages your life: The other person in such a relationship
never knows what to expect from you next. Your behavior is often baffling and
painful, and when the person tries to find out what is behind it, your explana
tions seem bizarre. The other person may believe himself or herself to be
falsely accused, misunderstood, or attacked for no apparent reason, and feel
anger and pain about it. And your frequent threats to end the relationship leave
the person fearful and unsure of your commitment.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how extreme problem solving operates in
your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does extreme problem solving harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
to live without it?

206 / BREAKING FREE
How Extreme Problem Solving Operates in My Life
1. How doea extreme problem aolving harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How doei it affect otheri adversely and bioek intimacy?

Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy requires sharing your thinking and feelings, but as we have seen, as
a codependent you may act on extreme thinking and feelings without sharing
them.
How this sabotages your life: The person in relationship with you is
deprived of giving or receiving intimacy with you, and also deprived of any
chance of developing an intimate relationship with you.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how lack of intimacy operates in your life,
1. How does not sharing or not listening without judging harm you and
2. How do these affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove these blocks to
intimacy and learn to live without them?
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to them?

208 / BREAKING FREE
How Lack of Intimacy Operates in My Life
1. How does not sharing or not listening without judging harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
8. How do these affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove these blocks to intimacy and learn
to live without them?
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to them?

Scorekeeping
Scorekeeping involves observing and storing in your memory hurtful or
imperfect things that other people have done. Then, when you are confronted
for doing similar things, you can shift the focus off of your own imperfection
onto theirs by reciting your scorecard about them or by pointing your finger
and saying, “Well, you did it too—last Saturday at the supermarket!” The threat
of such finger pointing blocks communication.
How this sabotages your life: The other person in such a relationship is
prevented from sharing his or her thoughts and feelings about you with you.
The feet that the person is also imperfect has little to do with the feet that your
imperfection is the focus of his or her discomfort. It often happens very
quickly in such a relationship that both parties cease any sort of personal shar
ing that could conceivably make them vulnerable to attack or counterattack.
This process sabotages intimacy.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how scorekeeping operates in your life, if
1. How does keeping score harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does keeping score affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove scorekeeping and
learn to live without it?

210 / BREAKING FREE
How Scorekeeping Operates in My Life

1. How does keeping score harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does keeping score affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove scorekeeping and learn to live
without it?
4. It not, what are you gaining by holding on to it?

Jealousy
I believe jealousy is a combination of shame and anger. When you are suffering
from feeling less than others, you are subject to jealousy, believing that other
people (who seem to be better than you are) are more interesting and attractive
to your significant other. This green-eyed monster may well attack you without
provocation, destroying your serenity and ability to give and receive intimacy.
How this sabotages your life: The other person is put through the experi
ence of having to reassure you over and over again and may even go so far as
to be extra careful not to do anything to trigger your jealousy. But the person
is doomed to failure and experiences helplessness and hopelessness about the
relationship every time you experience and express your jealousy.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how jealousy operates in your life, if it
does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does jealousy harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does being jealous affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove jealousy and learn to
live without it?

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How Jealousy Operates in My Life
1. How does jealousy harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does being jealous affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove jealousy and learn to live without it?

Self-Centeredness
This character defect results from being so involved with your own problems,
inadequacies, unmet expectations, overwhelming feelings, and other conse
quences of codependence that you are unwilling or unable to notice the impact
of your behavior on other people.
How this sabotages your life: Other people often have the painful realiza
tion that while they can “be present” for you and support you through your mis
eries, you are unable to “be present” for them. After enough experiences of
being let down by your inability to notice your impact on them, healthy people
must turn to someone else who can “be there” for them.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how self-centeredness operates in your
1. How does self-centered preoccupation harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
2. How does your self-centeredness affect others adversely and block

intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your self-centeredness

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How Self-Centeredness Operates in My Life

Insisting People Have Your Value System

Your inability to tolerate differences (due to a combination of codependence
symptoms) means that you spend a lot of energy trying to convince the people
in your life to live by the same values you do. Those who differ are met with
disapproval, anger, and sometimes complete rejection.
How this sabotages your life-. To be in relationship with you, other people
must defend their own values, or pretend to agree with you when in feet they
do not. Either situation is uncomfortable and can be dangerous to a person’s
integrity, since each person must fece the consequences of his or her own deci
sions about values.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how insisting people have your value sys
tem operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writ
ing about it:
1. How does insisting that others have your value system harm you and
to live without it?

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How Insisting People Have My Value System Operates in My Life

1. How does insisting that others have your value system harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?

Arguing About Facts And

Always Having To Be Right (Or Wrong)
When it becomes evident that you and another person have different interpreta
tions of an event, and that your idea of what is “right” or “true” does not agree
with his or hers, you may move away from sharing thoughts and into arguing
about what is really “right” or “true.” This may seem similar to insisting that
others have your value system, but the difference is that this defect is about the
mental process each of you goes through to interpret the meaning of events. It
may involve value systems or it may not.
This often accompanies the need to be right at all costs, which is a func
tion of maintaining power or control in a relationship. It’s as if you believe that
being wrong would be a defeat of some kind, rather than a normal part of your
imperfection. The other expression of having to have others agree with you is
always giving in and being “wrong” in order to be taken care of by the other
person.
How this sabotages your life: Other people experience unnecessary argu
ments with you and must defend their own interpretation of events, which
interferes with the intimate process of simply hearing your thoughts and shar
ing their own. When confronted by your need for power and control through
always being right, other people must give in to your power position and
“stuff” their feelings about it to have a relationship with you. A healthy person
will not be able to tolerate this condition, which may result in stormy scenes
or in the person’s deciding to leave the relationship altogether.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how arguing about facts operates in your
1. How does arguing about facts harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2, How does arguing about facts in a disagreement affect others adversely

and block intimacy?
to live without it?

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How Arguing About Facts Operates in My Life

1. How doe
* arguing about fact
* barm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How doe
* *
arguing about fact in a disagreement affect other
* adversely and
block intimacy?

Other Character Defects
What To Do Use the following space to name any other character defects you have recog
nized during this step that have not yet been listed. Feel free to use your own
wording in naming these defects. After giving each defect a name, answer the
following questions about it:
1, How does it harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live
without it?

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How Other Defects Operate in My Life

1. How doe
* it harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How doe
* it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
S. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live without it?

Step Seven
“Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.”
Purpose of The purpose of Step Seven is to acknowledge that you have come to the place
where you are ready to stop doing the things that your character defects list has
Exercise shown that you do that interfere with your relationships to yourself, others, and
a Higher Power and keep you from being in recovery and responsible for your
own life. It is a maturing process.
Background Read the following paragraphs before doing the writing exercise for this step.
Steps One, Four, Five, and Six have given you the data you need for this
Reading step. You have discovered how specific character defects such as people
pleasing, jealousy, demanding perfection from yourself or another person,
overcontrolling someone else’s reality, lying, and so forth are affecting your life
and the lives of others.
• Step Four had you look at how you have affected others by disrespecting
their boundaries and authentically offending them.
• Step Five had you acknowledge how you have harmed others.
• Step Six had you look more closely at how you affect others through
character defects.
• Step Seven recognizes that you are ready to release your character
defects and learn a new way to live.
I don’t believe you can do Step Seven until you have finally gotten in
enough pain from the knowledge of how your character defects affect other
people. Many people can do Steps Four, Five, and Six and know all their
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character defects, but not want to surrender them. I believe that it is only out
of your own pain that you become ready to surrender.
In one sense, Step Seven is like Step Three, except that now you have more
specific data. In Step Six you acknowledged the impact of your illness on oth
ers and yourself. This knowledge causes you pain, and it is this pain that brings
you to the point where it isn’t worth it to you any longer to stay the same. And
so now you truly want to release those shortcomings.
Unlike Step Five, Step Seven can be done alone. It is an experience
between you and your Higher Power. In your mind you talk to your Higher
Power, saying something like this: “Okay, Higher Power, I have allowed myself
to know about this character defect to the point where I am in pain about it. I
am aware of how (1) it has adversely affected other people and (2) it is
adversely affecting me. I can’t stand the pain and I want to stop this behavior
[or character defect]. Would you please remove it from me because I can’t.”
The main point of this step is to surrender and let go of the shortcoming.
You are now willing to learn to live without it. You have done all you can do
to eliminate it and now you are asking your Higher Power to take it.
Until it goes away, you can begin to change what you are able to about the
defect, but you must be willing to learn to live with the character defect in your
life, knowing you have surrendered it, and love yourself anyway, until it is
removed.
What To Do In the column on the left, name a shortcoming from your writing in Step Six.
In the column on the right, describe a healthy substitute for it.
EXAMPLE SHORTCOMING HEALTHY SUBSTITUTE
Perfectionism about Cleaning enough to look good at a glance but

my houseoleaning not strain over small dirty places. Invite
Anne over for lunch and leave a couple of
bits of clutter. Concentrate on sharing with
Anne instead of worrying about whether my
house is "perfectly” clean and what she is
thinking about it.
Healthy Substitutes for My Shortcomings
SHORTCOMING HEALTHY SUBSTITUTE

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Step Eight
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became

willing to make amends to them all.”
Purpose of The purpose of this step is to turn your focus from what has been done to you
and toward what you have done to others.
Exercise
Background Review what you have written in this workbook for Steps Four and Six. Note
who is involved. In Step Four, note those people whose boundaries you have
Reading disregarded. In Step Six, note those people who have suffered from your
character defects, even though you may not have disregarded their boundaries.
What To Do First, list the names of people you have harmed, mentioned in Steps Four and
Six, as well as any others you can think of at this time. Describe the specific
incident(s) as completely as you can. Describe your part in the harm but do not
describe anything the other person did to you, whether before or after your
harmful behavior. The point of this step is to look at your own harmful
behavior without justification, defenses, or excuses. Give the approximate date
(year only or year and month) of the incident(s). Leave the last space labeled
“What I would do to make amends” blank for the moment.
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EXAMPLE NAME: Carole APPROX. DATE: Spring 1978

WHAT I DID: I refused to speak to her after a certain encoun
ter. I snubbed her at an office party and hung up on her twice
during that time. Later, I spoke to her but have remained cool
and distant ever since.
WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKE AMENDS:
(To be filled in later.)
NAME: Joseph APPROX. DATE: 1979

WHAT I DID: We dated for a year. I lied to him about dating
other men. He preferred me not to date and I didn't see any
harm in it. Rather than bring out this difference of thinking,
I chose to avoid a fight by lying. He found out and told me. I
accused him of being a spy and broke up with him, never
speaking to him again. I’d rather have lost him altogether
than face negotiating this difference between us.
WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKE AMENDS:
(To be filled in later.)
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People I Have Harmed and the Amends / Could Make

3. NAMB: APPHOX. DATS:

WHAT I DID:
WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKI AMBNDS:
4. NAMI: APPHOX. DATS:

WHAT I DID:
WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKI AMBHDS:

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15. NAMI: APPROX. DATE:

WHAI I DID:
WHAI I WOULD DO IO MAXX ASCENDS:
14. NAME: APPROX. DAU:

WHAI I DID:
WHAI I WOULD DO IO MAKE AMENDS:

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The second half of Step Eight is to become willing to make amends to each
person. Even though you may not be willing to make amends at this point, go
back to your list and write some ideas about how you might approach the per
son if you were willing to make amends.
EXAMPLE NAME: Carole

WHAI I WOULD DO IO MAKE AMENDS: I would call Carole to
ask her to lunch. If she accepted, I would tell her at lunch
that I was wrong to treat her so rudely and that I’ve missed
her friendship and am sorry I out It off. If she declined to
go to lunch, I would tell her these things right then on the
telephone.
NAME: Joseph
WHAI I WOULD DO IO MAKE AMENDS: I would write Joseph
a letter since he lives in another state and tell him I was
wrong to lie to him and then not own up to it when he con
fronted me. I would admit fully that I had lied on purpose to
avoid a confrontation with him and that I feel shame and pain
about not being honest with him.
Step Nine
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,

except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Purpose of The purpose of Step Nine is for you to repair the damage you did in the past,
so that you can grow toward increasing maturity. It is an exercise in how to be
Exercise appropriately accountable for the part of your “perfect imperfection” that has
caused harm to others.
Background Read the following paragraphs before doing this exercise.

Making amends is more than an apology. It usually means that you
Reading acknowledge specifically what happened, make a commitment to the offended
person not to do it anymore, and carry out that commitment to the best of your
ability. This is the primary meaning and is the preferred method of completing
this step (when it would not injure the person or other people in his or her life
or yourself). You can make amends by visiting the person to talk to him or her,
by talking to him or her over the telephone, or by writing him or her a letter.
The reason you make direct amends to people you have harmed is so that
you can recover from your illness of codependence. The primary purpose of
making amends is not to repair a broken relation between you and the other
person. If the relationship does get mended, that is merely a happy by-product
of doing the step. But whatever the other person's reaction to your amends, you
have succeeded if you have cleared off your side of the street.
It is important to remember that after you have made your direct amends,
the other person is very likely to have a response. You stay in recovery when
you can simply listen and observe the response, letting the person be whoever
he or she is. The response may be a “thank you,” or it may be criticism and anger.
The other person’s response is not relevant to the reason for doing this step.
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It is entirely possible that the person you make amends to cannot forgive
you or is not willing to restore the relationship between you for reasons of his
or her own. If this is true, you can still achieve your goals: practicing appropri
ate accountability toward others, gaining forgiveness from yourself and your
Higher Power, and growing toward increasing maturity. Other people do not
have the power to stop you from completing this step.
However, in cases in which making direct amends is impossible because
it would harm the person or another person, or because the person has died,
indirect amends can still be carried out. When people amend the constitution
of an organization, they change it so it is improved. When you make indirect
amends, you change your thinking, your attitudes, your judgments about peo
ple so that they are improved and more mature. You are now nonoffensive in
the areas in which you were offensive before. You stop causing them to suffer
for your shortcomings as you did before, or if you do cause them to suffer, you
find ways to make restitution other than direct amends.
An example of a case in which making direct amends would harm the per
son or another person is when someone has an affair with a married person.
Let’s say a man has an affair with a married woman (although, of course, we
could as easily imagine a woman having an affair with a married man).
This man is now doing Steps Eight and Nine, so he lists the woman he had
the affair with and her husband. He knows that the woman ended the affair and
continued her marriage, choosing not to tell her husband about the affair. The
marriage is going well. If the offending man were to go to the husband to make
amends for having had an affair with his wife, both the husband and the wife
would be harmed. Making indirect amends is more appropriate.
Depending on his present attitudes, thinking, feelings, or behaviors, here
are some options the offending man can choose. If he has had an attitude of
“Well, she wanted it as much as I did, so I’m not responsible. It was just one
of those things,” he can amend his attitude and be willing to feel the pain,
shame, and guilt associated with this externaland internal boundary violation.
He can grieve for it, offer it to the Higher Power, and share the feelings with
a safe, trusted third party. This experiencing the emotional consequences of his
behavior can give him the wisdom, humility, and accountability to help him
avoid similar boundary violations in the future.
If he has continued to try to contact the woman, ignoring her protests, he
can amend his behavior and leave her alone. If he entered the affair because of
thinking all women are merely sexual targets and this one was “an easy lay,” he
can amend his thinking and stop believing he is superior to women, or to that
woman in particular, and can acknowledge that this woman and other women
have value equal to him, requiring respect.
These are just a few examples of how this man could make indirect
amends for his affair without going to the woman or her husband directly. He,
himself, would gain recovery by becoming amended-changed and different.
Therefore, it is important to consider making indirect amends if direct
amends would injure the person or others.
Another part of this step involves offering restitution in addition to amends
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whenever your harmful action has taken something of value away from some
one. To make restitution means you repay the person in like kind (or as close
as possible) for whatever has been lost.
You may have failed to repay a loan; you may have lost, destroyed, or dam
aged someone’s property by physical violence or carelessness; you may have
caused someone to spend time righting the wrong you did; you may have made
it necessary for someone to spend extra time doing something that could have
been done faster except for your interference; you may have promised to help
someone do something, then failed to do so, leaving the person to do the task
alone. To make restitution you would arrange a schedule to repay money and
then make each payment on time; repair or replace damaged property; or offer
your time to help out with something such as free baby-sitting, lawn mowing,
running errands, or something else the person needs to have done.
What To Do List in the following space the people you named in Step Eight, and decide
whether direct amends would injure them or not.
PEOPLE I HAVE HARMED WOULD DIRECT AMENDS INJURE?

NAME YES NO
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List in the following space people you named in Step Eight who have died.
PEOPLE 1 HAVE HARMED WHO HAVE DIED:

Now go ahead and make direct amends to those people who would not be
harmed. As you make amends, list in the following space the name, date, and
what action you took to make amends and/or restitution to each person. Note
also any feelings you had as you made amends.
EXAMPLE ISIAia: Carole DATE: Jan. 1989

HOW I MADE AMENDS: I Invited her to lunch, she accepted. I
told her face to face that I had seen how wrong and rude I
had been to her starting back in 1978 and I wanted her to
know that I had realized it. I told her I wanted to stop treat
ing her this way and promised to stop. I told her I now felt
ashamed and also sad that I had not been a friend to her over
the years and that I had thought of her often and missed her.
HOW I MADE RESTITUTION, IT NECESSARY: Carole was sur

prised, then angry. She told me how she had felt and how
stuok-up she thought I was. I held my tongue and listened to
her without commenting. As she talked, I felt pain to see how
my attitude, pride, and behavior had hurt her. I did not men
tion what she had done that I had reacted to—and neither did
she. But when she finished I thanked her for telling me these
things and we both left. I don’t know what will happen next
in our relationship, but I could tell I was different with her.
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S. NAME: DAZE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:
HOW I MADE RESTITUTION, IT NECESSARY:
6. NAME: DATE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:

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0. NAME: DATE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:
10. HAMS: DATE:

HOW I MADE AMENDS:

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To complete this step, make indirect amends to those people who would
be injured by a direct acknowledgment of what happened or who have died. As
you make indirect amends, describe in the following space what you did and
how you are now amended in attitude, judgment, thinking, feelings, or
behavior.
EXAMPLE MAMI: Joseph DATS: Feb. 1989

WHY IMDIMCT AMXHDS AHA MXOISSABY: Joseph died 8
years ago.
WHAII DID AMD HOW I AM AMXMDXD: I wrote a letter to
him anyway and In the process got In touch with my feelings
of guilt, shame, and pain about my lying to him. I allowed
myself to feel the feelings. I read the letter to my sponsor and
shared these feelings with her. I see how my lies hurt people.
I think after feeling all this guilt, shame, and pain I will
think hard before I lie like that again, and should I realize I
have lied, I will admit and acknowledge it much soonerl
Indirect Amends 1 Have Made

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“Continued to take personal inventory, and when we
were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Purpose of The purpose of the exercise for Step Ten is to give you a way to keep track of
how your codependence is still operating and how it continues to harm others
Exercise or you.
Breaking free from denial about your recovery is just as important to your
progress as breaking free from denial about being a codependent. Many
codependents share the common trait of being unaware of progress they are
making toward living in recovery rather than in codependence. This is a key
step toward developing a life-style of recovery. Not only is it helpful to keep
track of when you are wrong so you can promptly admit it, but it is also
gratifying to see how you are changing in a functional direction as you respond
to certain situations. The continual personal inventory this step calls for should
include what went well along with what still needs improvement.
You may choose to do a nightly review of each day or a weekly review of
the past week. Going longer than a week between reviews is not recommended.
If you have a particularly difficult day you may wish to do a review of the
day that very night. If you find your life flowing better, you might wait to do
the review until the end of the week. However, doing a nightly review of each
day for the first few months even if your life is flowing well can give you valu
able information about your progress in recovery. It is not necessary to wait
until you have a painful encounter with someone to do this review, although it
certainly helps to do such a review at those times.
You have already written your own guidelines for what to review about
your life in Steps One, Four, Six, and Eight in this workbook, so you can begin
to keep track of what is going on currently in these areas as you progress
toward recovery. Space is provided for you to review each of these steps in your
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inventory. (When you have filled the space in this workbook for each step, con
tinue to write in a separate notebook.)
Review of Step One:

Powerlessness and
Unmanageable Consequences
Background Read your description of yourself—your powerlessness over the five core
symptoms and your experience of their unmanageable consequences-as writ
Reading ten in Step One of this workbook.
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether you have experienced
powerlessness over the core symptoms or the unmanageable consequences that
you wrote about in Step One. Use the space following to describe what you
discover.
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5. DATS:
COM SYMPTOM OB TOMAHAG1ABM OOM8BQUBHCB:
WHAT HAPPBHBD:
6. DATS:
OOM SYMPTOM OB HWMAHAGBABLB C0H8BQVBM0B:
WHAT HAPPBBBD:
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Review of Step Four:

How I Disregard the Boundaries of Others
Background Read your description of yourself and how you have disregarded the bound
aries of others, as written in Step Four of this workbook.
Reading
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether you have been authenti
cally offensive toward someone mentioned in Step Four, or someone not men
tioned. Use the following space to describe any such offenses. (In Step Ten,
you will probably be increasingly able to notice your offense sooner and make
direct amends by acknowledging the offense to the person offended, if it would
not harm him or her, and committing not to do it again.)
My Recent Boundary Offenses

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Review of Step Six:

How Others (and I) Suffer
from My Character Defects
Background Read your description of the specific character defects you discovered, as writ
ten in Step Six of this workbook. Remember, codependent character defects
Reading are attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that you hang on to that keep you from
taking responsibility for your own life and recovery.
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether any character defects have
been operating to keep you from taking responsibility for your own life and
recovery. Use the following space to describe what happened. Also, write
about any new character defect you have discovered since the last time you
reviewed this aspect of your life.
My Recent Experiences with Character Defects

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Review of Step Eight:

The People I Harmed and Made Amends To
Background Read your list of people you harmed, as written in Step Eight of this work
book.
Reading
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether any other incidents have
occurred in which you have harmed (either in the same way or in a new way)
any of the people you listed in Step Eight. If you discover any, promptly admit
it to the person, if it would not harm him or her, and make restitution. Use the
following space to describe any incidents that have occurred since the last time
you reviewed this aspect of your life.
My Recent Offenses and Amends

1. NAMI:
WHAT HAPPINID:
8. NAMI:
WHAT HAPPINID:
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Step Eleven
“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our

conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge
of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.”
Purpose of The main purpose of this step is for you to experience connectedness to your
Higher Power. The purpose of the writing exercise for this step is to help you
Exercise sharpen your spiritual awareness by acknowledging if and how that awareness
is growing and developing. Once you have felt and written about your experi
ence, you can read your writing later when you are in a time when it is hard
to feel connected to your Higher Power.
Background The following paragraphs are about my own experience with this step. I share
my experience here as an example of one person’s journey with the hope that
Reading it may inspire your own search for a Higher Power. The step suggests that the
two key ingredients of prayer and meditation are a common starting place for
each of us.
PRAYER
In prayer, I do only one thing: ask for my Higher Power’s will in my life.
Essentially I ask my Higher Power to help me and be with me as I go through
my day. At the beginning of my day I make a statement to myself that Tm will
ing to have my Higher Power’s will in my life today and I’m willing to do my
Higher Power’s will as I am aware of it. I say a prayer, asking my Higher Power
for its will for me and for the power to carry it out.
I connect with my Higher Power through meditation over my perfect
imperfection. I also think about the positive things that I have been given or
that have happened for which I am grateful. An attitude of gratefulness has
280
been very important in breaking my denial about the positive things that have
happened in my recovery and breaking my habit of dwelling on the negative
aspects of my surroundings. I also connect with my Higher Power as I ask for
its will in my life and start noticing the Higher Power’s will and then doing it.
My Step Eleven work with myself is a spiritual step because it does connect me
to my Higher Power through meditation (embracing my perfect imperfection)
and through prayer (asking for my Higher Power’s will).
MEDITATION
I believe that for me as a codependent, meditation involves being quiet and

allowing myself to know myself as a perfectly imperfect person. It is a time to
listen to myself, to know where I have been and what I have been thinking. I
try to balance the reality of my perfect imperfection with self-esteem,
acknowledging that the imperfection is there and loving myself anyway. I feel
joy about the feet that I am acceptable to myself and my Higher Power with my
imperfection. I feel pain when I can acknowledge how my imperfection affects
other people in a negative way. When I can both acknowledge my imperfection
and love myself anyway, I am open to contact with the Higher Power. As I
allow myself to feel joy or pain about my reality, at that moment I often notice
that I am in a relationship with a power greater than myself. I feel myself con
nected to it.
I recognize that other people may meditate in different ways. I offer this to
you as an exercise to do for a while to practice embracing your own imperfec
tion without any accompanying self-punishment, anguish, or shame attacks.
What To Do Once a week or every month or so, use the following space to write about your
experiences with your Higher Power. Describe the times when you experience
joy-filled pain or pain-filled joy, and the issue of perfect imperfection you are
aware of when this happens.
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My Experiences with My Own Imperfection

1. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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7. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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Describe the times you have been aware of the Higher Power’s will in your
life and how you were able to do it.
My Experiences with the Higher Power’s Will

1. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATS:
WHAT HAPPENED:
3. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
4. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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S. DATE:
WHAT HAPPEWED:
6. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
7. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
Step Twelve
“Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these

steps, we tried to carry the message to those who still
suffer and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Purpose of This step is a step of physical actions as well as mental, emotional, and spiri
tual ones. The purpose of the writing exercise is to help you recognize
Exercise instances in which you carry the message or practice the principles of this pro
gram in some part of your life. Such recognition helps you break free from
denial about your recovery in this area.
Background Before beginning to carry out this step, read the following paragraphs.
Reading
CARRYING THE MESSAGE OF CODEPENDENCE
Carrying the message of codependence involves confronting the disease in

other people by sharing the evidence of the disease in ourselves. You can do
this at meetings, by sharing what is going on with you and by chairing a meet
ing and identifying at a deeper level. It can also be done when someone you
know brings up issues of codependence and child abuse in a conversation. You
can point out your personal understanding of how codependence operates — not
as it relates to the other person but as it relates to you. To confront codepen
dence in other people in a direct attempt to change them is to be back in the
disease of controlling other people’s reality by trying to make them agree that
they have problems with codependence and that they need help.
One of the ongoing ways to help carry the message is to participate in a
Codependents Anonymous group. Being willing to speak up about what is
going on with you, even when you are in a position of awareness of your imper
290
fection, is part of carrying the message. Being willing to chair a meeting after
you’ve attended enough meetings to qualify (according to whatever the guide
lines are in your particular group) and taking part in other tasks that are neces
sary to keep a meeting going, such as setting up the room, cleaning up after a
meeting, serving as group representative, treasurer, or other positions where
service is needed-all these are part of carrying the message.
PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS
Practicing these principles in all your affairs means you try to stay aware that
you are a codependent and you are perfectly imperfect. This is a chronic condi
tion that can return at any moment. You’re only in remission from codepen
dence when you are practicing recovery.
To practice these principles in all your affairs, you also must stay aware of
the preceding eleven steps and how they specifically relate to this disease. Keep
practicing all eleven steps in your daily living as appropriate. By doing these
steps, your spirituality will develop.
What To Do Use the following space to describe instances when you have carried the mes
sage by sharing how codependence operates for you.
292 / BREAKING FREE
How I Have Carried the Message

1. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
294 / BREAKING FREE
From time to time a situation will occur to which you respond in ways that
evidence your recovery. Later you realize, “Hey, I was different that time. A
year ago I would have had a much more codependent reaction to that!” Use the
following space to write about such instances.
296 / BREAKING FREE
Evidence of My Recovery
1. SITUATIOW:
MT MSPOW8T:
8. SITUAHOK:
MT MSPOHSI:
3. SITUATION:
MY BXSPONSX:
4. SITUATION:
MY RESPONSE:
Part 3
Beyond Denial
About Your
Recovery
Introduction
As a codependent, you are likely to be in denial about recovery when it begins

to happen. You can often see improvement in the lives of other recovering
codependents while believing yourself to be stuck in the same old patterns of
appearing, thinking, feeling, behaving. In this section you will write about
recovery experiences regarding each core symptom. Writing about recovery
helps break through your denial and fix the experiences in your conscious
mind for a longer time. Such writing also makes these recovery experiences
convenient to read about later when you need encouragement about your
recovery process.
The purpose of this section is to guide you into developing the recovery
traits related to each of the five symptoms: self-esteem from the inside, func
tional boundaries, ability to own your reality, ability to recognize and meet
your own needs and wants, and living life in moderation. In the following
pages you will find information and exercises about how to confront each of the
five core symptoms you wrote about in Step One.
I strongly recommend that you work on one symptom at a time rather than
trying to confront all five symptoms simultaneously. Recovery is a building pro
cess. The foundation is laid by establishing self-esteem. Once you begin to per
ceive your own value, you are better able to set boundaries because you now
know you are worth protecting. With healthier boundaries you are more able
to risk owning your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you can pro
tect yourself from being controlled by others who do not like your reality. And
you can keep yourself from controlling others and living a “secondhand” life—
someone else’s. When you are more in touch with your reality, you are more
aware of who you are and can tolerate your own imperfection. Therefore, you
can start to identify and meet your own needs and wants. And you can begin
to experience and express reality in moderation and to stop operating in extremes.
Addressing the symptoms in this order has worked well for me. As I write
this, I am now improving my ability to experience and express myself moder
ately. But since recovery is a process, not an event, I sometimes am likely to
“flap out there in the wild blue yonder,” bouncing from one extreme to the other.
301
302 / BREAKING FREE
You will probably find that awareness of unmanageable consequences is eas

ier to achieve than awareness of specific symptoms. When I began my recovery
journey, I had more awareness of the results of my symptoms (how my codepen
dence was creating unmanageable consequences in my life) than I did of the
symptoms themselves. But try as I would, I could not seem to stop the self
sabotaging consequences: negative control, resentment, distorted spirituality,
avoiding reality, and inability to sustain intimacy.
Recovery from these consequences was easier when I focused on the core
symptoms that were creating powerlessness first. Afterward I found I could begin
addressing the unmanageable consequences. This seems natural to me now, since
I realize that it is because of the symptoms that I experience the harmful conse
quences. When the symptoms got better, the consequences decreased and I could
more easily intervene in any that still existed after my symptoms had improved.
Here are the two keys to getting the most out of this section:
1. Work on one symptom at a time, in the order given.
2. Even though the consequences of your symptoms are easier to identify,

work on recovery from the symptoms because this leads automatically
to improvement in the consequences. Initially, put more emphasis on
the core symptoms and focus on seeing how they create the unmanage
able consequences. You will see how these consequences begin to
improve as you begin to heal from the core symptoms.
Affirming Your Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience of your own preciousness,

awareness from inside yourself that you have worth. This worth is separate
from anything you do, how you look, or what other people in your life say or
do to you or about you. An essential component of recovery from codepen
dence is learning to sense your own value as a person.
Purpose of These exercises are to help you develop a sense of self-esteem neither lower
nor higher than anyone else.
Exercises
Background (1) Review pages 7-10 of Facing Codependence, about impaired self-esteem.
(2) Review pages 77-80 of Facing Codependence, about a child’s value in a
Reading dysfunctional family. (3) Review your own writing on Step One in this work
book about how you experience impaired self-esteem. (4) Read the following
paragraphs.
As codependents, we experience either low or nonexistent self-esteem, or
arrogance and grandiosity. As recovery begins, we have the sense of moving
from whichever inappropriate level of esteem we experience toward the mid
dle. At first this often feels like we’re getting worse.
When moving from low self-esteem to healthy self-esteem, you may fear
you’re actually getting arrogant. When moving from arrogance and grandiosity
to a more appropriate level of self-esteem, you may think you are losing power
and getting worse by becoming weak and hopeless. At this point, you need to
remind yourself that this movement is normal for recovery. You are making
progress when you feel your level of self-worth either rising or dropping as you
move toward healthy self-esteem. In fact, in the process of adjusting to what
it feels like not to overvalue yourself, falsely empower yourself, and therefore
offend other people, you will probably feel some pain. This pain is not the
same as true low self-esteem, however, and you are probably not moving too
for down the scale.
303
304 / BREAKING FREE
Following are exercises for each extreme of this core symptom: low or
nonexistent self-esteem, and arrogance and grandiosity. Work on the section
that best fits your experience of this symptom. Some people may need to work
on both, since they swing back and forth.
To Recover from Low or

Nonexistent Self-Esteem
What To Do This exercise has four parts. Read the explanations, then do the writing for
each part. Remember, this is a process that takes time. Take as long as you
need for each part.
MAKE A DECISION TO ESTEEM YOURSELF AND OTHERS
Building self-esteem from the low or nonexistent position begins with making
a decision to value yourself and not consider yourself as being less valuable
than anyone else. This decision expresses this truth: just as you are, you are
enough. Just because you were born, you are precious. Your preciousness, or
worth, is not up for debate. You were bom an amazing creature filled with
wonder and spiritual value. There is no question about whether you are or
aren’t of value in this sense. You are of equal value to everyone else.
As you’ve discovered earlier in this workbook, being out of touch with
your own worth is due to the feet that when you were a child, important
caregivers in your life did not esteem you in an appropriate way. In neglecting
to do that, they were abusive whether they intended to be or not. It’s not their
“fault”; it’s just a circumstance of your life.
But now as a mature adult, in recovery from the results of that abuse, you
can make the decision to honor yourself and treat yourself as though you are
precious. This is your absolute right and privilege as a human being.
When you make this decision to value yourself, you almost invariably start
honoring other people as well. As you esteem yourself, you esteem other peo
ple. And this change can do wonderful things for your relationships.
Your self-esteem allows you to esteem others and to love the members of
your family. And as you love you and that very abused, precious little child
inside you, and quit punishing yourself with carried guilt and shame, you are
more sensitive to your own children’s being valuable, vulnerable, imperfect,
needy and wanting, and immature. You are more able to respect those charac
teristics and stop trying to make them perfect. As a result, you can feel some
worth without their having to be perfect children.
One way to affirm yourself is by learning to accept compliments from oth
ers. When you are experiencing low self-esteem, you probably have a painful
reaction when told that you are wonderful. You probably avoid eye contact,
turn red, can’t talk, and can’t accept what was said. At times you may cry
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 305
because it hurts to take the compliment in. These behaviors indicate that you
are having a shame attack, an inner sense of worthlessness, and you can’t
understand why anyone would say that you are wonderful.
Write in the following space in your own words a statement about your
worth.
EXAMPLE Just because I was born, I am enough. I can stop trying to

earn my worth from my job, my children, and my family
connections.
My Statement About My Decision to Value Myself

306 / BREAKING FREE
MAKE AN AFFIRMATION LIST
This second part of developing self-esteem is to make a list of affirmations.

Begin by thinking about a time when you were abused as a child, or made
some mistake either as a child or as an adult that brought massive feelings of
shame. Let yourself float back into that old shame-filled feeling reality. As
you’re feeling that carried shame that tells you you’re no good, listen to all the
adjectives and nouns you add to the statement “I am . . .” in your mind. For
example, “I am worthless”; “I am bad”; “I am stupid”; “I am a lout”; “I am
empty”; “I am awful”; “I am a slut”; “I am a creep”; “I am a jerk”; “I am a
smelly person”; “I am inadequate”; whatever your particular set of statements
is. Your statements may be very profane. Don’t worry about that; many people’s
are. Continue until your mind surrenders all the negative adjectives and nouns
that you tell yourself you are.
After your mind has become aware of what you tell yourself when you are
less than perfect, write those negative statements in the column on the left in
the following table. It is important to preface each statement with “I am”
because shame is connected to your sense of who you are. Read the left column
in the example before writing your own.
Then, opposite each negative noun or adjective you wrote about yourself,
write a noun or adjective that will contradict it in an affirming way. Write these
words down as a word exercise, whether you believe these things about your
self or not.
EXAMPLE I am bad I am good

I am _ inadequate I am adequate
I am stupid I am able to think well
I am empty I am filled with value
I am awful I am wonderful
I am worthless I am a precious person
I am a lout I am a nice person
I am a creep I am an enjoyable person
I am a jerk I am courteous and kind
I am a smelly person I am clean and pleasant
I am a slut I am appropriate in my
sexual relationship
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 307
My Shame Messages My Positive Affirmations
lam______________ ______________I am_______________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_______________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ lam_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
lam______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
I am______________ _____________ I am_____________________________
lam____________________________ I am_____________________________
I am____________________________ I am_____________________________
I am________________ ___________ lam___________________________ _—
lam_______________ _______ ___ I am_____________________________

308 / BREAKING FREE
MAKE AN AFFIRMATION TAPE

When you have completed the list, cover up the left column so that you can no
longer read it. Then get a blank cassette tape and a tape recorder. Record an
opening sentence, then the positive affirmations list.
Write in the following space the introductory sentence you will record on
your tape. Then make a note of the date your tape was recorded.
EXAMPLE INTRODUCTORY SENTENCE:

I am Pla. The following is a list of affirmations that I use to
dispute the carried shame core messages.
DATE RECORDED: August S3, 1984
INTRODUCTORY SENTENCE:
DATE RECORDED:
USE THE AFFIRMATION TAPE
After you’ve made your own tape, play it to yourself twice a day: in the morn
ing when you get up and at night when you go to bed. This may seem too
mechanical, but you may be amazed at the change in your feelings about your
self if you listen to the tape twice a day for a month.
As you begin to practice this exercise, more and more negative messages
will usually become conscious. Now that the first list is out in the open, deeper
shame messages or different ones or more adult ones may come up. These
should also be written down with their refuting affirmations, and the new
affirmations added to the tape. Eventually this deep hidden reservoir of shame
messages will be drained and you will stop getting new ones. (The quantity of
shame messages that comes up and the length of time it takes before you stop
getting new ones indicate how deep your experiences of abuse are.)
I think our self-esteem and the way we think about ourselves has to do
with our spirituality. So if you’re in a Twelve-Step program using a daily
affirmation book, I suggest that you read the book in the same period of time
you listen to your tape. A book that has very positive material for codependents
is Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner. Or
you can use one of the other daily books that are recommended in various
Twelve-Step programs. Read the book before you listen to the tape, listen to the
tape, and then put them away.
Incorporating this affirmation tape with things you do to develop your
spiritual life makes the exercise a lot easier, and the self-esteem seems to come
faster.
Make a note of the dates you play your tape to yourself.
DATES PLAYED:
Go to page 313 to continue writing about your recovery (Tracking Progress).

310 / breaking free
To Recover From Arrogance

and Grandiosity
What To Do This exercise has two parts. Read the explanation, then do the writing for each
part. Remember, this is a process that takes time. Ihke as long as you need for
each part.
MAKE A DECISION TO ESTEEM OTHERS EQUALLY TO YOURSELF
The first step in recovering from the extreme of arrogance and grandiosity is
understanding and accepting that arrogance and grandiosity are dysfunctional
and abusive to other people. In recovery it is helpful to begin by making a deci
sion to esteem others as equal to yourself.
Write in the following space in your own words a statement about your
worth.
EXAMPLE I am a perfectly imperfect person and do not have the right to

view myself as better than anyone else.
My Statement About My Decision to Esteem Others Equally to Myself

The position of arrogance and grandiosity often comes from comparing

yourself to others and coming up better than that other person. Recovery
involves stopping this form of judging and comparing except in the important
values relating to murder, rape, incest, physical violence, war, and so on. You
must discipline your mind by refuting the judging messages with messages
about other people having equal value with yourself.
In the column on the left, write down specific instances in which you com
pare yourself with someone and judge yourself superior to that person. Then,
in the column on the right, write out a healthy statement about the equality of
your value and the value of the other person.
EXAMPLE JUDGMENTS I HAVE MADE ABOUT HEALTHY ATTITUDES ABOUT MY

MY SUPERIORITY TO OTHERS VALUE AND THAT OF OTHERS
I am better than Julie because Julie has as much value as I do

her house smells like dirty cat even if she chooses to tolerate
litter. the smell of cat litter.
I am better than Mr. 8. because Mr. 8. has as much value as I do

he got a speeding ticket. even if he gets a speeding ticket
I am better than Sammy Sammy has as much value as I

because he is retarded and does do even when his behavior is
embarrassing things in public. different than that of most
people because of being retarded.
312 / BREAKING FREE
JUDGMENTS I HAVE MADE ABOUT HEALTHY ATTITUDES ABOUT MY

MY SUPERIORITY TO OTHERS VALUE AND THAT OF OTHERS
Many times, when you stop judging yourself to be superior, you move to
feelings of being less than others. If this happens to you, work on the previous
exercises regarding how to counteract the shame messages you now experience.
Tracking Progress
As you make progress with this symptom, you will notice how you are more
able to experience your own worth from within, putting yourself neither less
than nor better than others, regaining the mature adult characteristics
described in chapter 4 of Facing Codependence. Improvement means that as
you encounter others, you look at yourself as of equal value to them or you
look at them as of equal value to you.
What To Do Describe in the following space incidents in which you notice an improvement:
Become aware of feelings you may experience, such as pain or fear, and note
them also.
314 / BREAKING FREE
Setting External Boundaries
After improving your self-esteem, the next component of recovery is to devise

healthy boundaries, both to protect yourself from others and to keep yourself
from authentically offending others. Our boundary system has two subsystems:
external and internal. Our external boundary system protects us physically and
sexually and helps us keep an appropriate physical distance from others and
respect the sexual boundaries of others. The internal boundary is related to
thinking, feeling, and behaving and will be discussed in the next section.
Purpose of You did the first exercise toward establishing your boundaries when you evalu
ated the condition of each part of your boundary system in your written Step
Exercises One. Now you can begin to correct the dysfunctional aspects of your bound
aries by doing the following exercises.
Background (1) Review pages 11-21 of Facing Codependence, about boundary impairment
and healthy boundaries. (2) Review pages 80-82 of Facing Codependence,
Reading about a child’s vulnerability in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review your own
writing in Step One in this workbook about the condition of your external
boundaries. (4) Read the following material.
Boundary recovery begins when you acknowledge and accept these three
statements:
1. Nobody has the right to touch you (an adult) without your permission.
Also, nobody has the right to be sexual with you without your per
mission.
2. People who have your permission to touch you may touch you only in
the way in which you want to be touched. Also, people with whom you
have agreed to be sexual may only be sexual with you in the ways you
agree to.
316
3. It’s your responsibility to take control over how, when, where, and who
touches you, and with whom, when, and how you will be sexual.
You are in recovery when you exercise those controls with most people, except
a major offender.
Determining Where Your

External Boundary Is
Begin to develop your awareness of when other people are too close to you.
Take note of your discomfort when people stand or move too close to you. This
will make you more aware that you need to take care of yourself. I have used
two methods to help me become mindful of my own requirement for physical
distance from others:
1. Stand across a room from someone and make eye contact with him or
her. Walk slowly toward the person and stop when you start feeling
uncomfortable, then back up and stand where you feel comfortable.
The distance between you and the other person shows how large your
external boundary is. The amount of physical distance you need varies
as you approach different people, depending on many factors, such as
how well you know the other person, how you're responding to that
person at the time, and so on.
2. Another simple gauge of a comfortable distance between you and

someone else is to look that person in the eye. If it is difficult or you
can’t, the person is probably too close to.you.
The amount of distance you need from another person can be different on
various occasions with the same person. For instance, if my husband Pat and
I are getting along and I feel good about our relationship, he can stand close
to me and Tm very comfortable. If, however, he’s angry with me or Fm angry
with him, we don’t stand so close. If we’re extremely angry, we may actually
stand eighteen feet away from each other in the living room to talk.
Also, the distance you need varies from person to person. You can allow
people who feel “safe” to get closer to you. You require more distance from
other people who feel more threatening for whatever reason. As you develop
boundaries, you will be able to back away from such people and negotiate the
distance between you, not letting them stand too close to you any longer.
What To Do Ask two or three safe people (such as members of your Codependents Anony
mous group, a sponsor, a spouse) to try the physical boundary test with you.
1. Ask each person for permission to walk toward him or her until you
feel the energy resistance of your own boundary.
3^j__BREAKIN£_£5^---------------
2. Stop walking and note the distance.
3. Try to look him or her in the eye at that distance. If you need to adjust
in order to make eye contact, do so and note the new distance.
4. Ask that person if your boundary distance feels comfortable to him or

her. If not, ask how he or she would adjust it. Note the person’s prefer
ence, while still keeping in mind that your need for space is your own
and will often be different from that of other people. It is functional for
the person needing the most space to be given that space by the other
person.
Record in the following space what happened.

My Experiments with Physical Boundaries
1. NAME Or PERSON:
Amt. of space needed for boundary that day:
Did I readjust after making eye contact?
Was the other person’s boundary different?
Other comments:
8. NAME OF PERSON:
Other comments:
3. NAME OP PERSON:
Other comments:
320 / BREAKING FREE
Visualizing Your External Boundary

You can strengthen your external boundary by visualizing it in concrete form.
While the visualizing can be done in many ways, here is a way I find helpful.
Close your eyes and imagine a jar made of a sturdy but expandable material.
In your mind, enlarge this jar until it is big enough to fit over you. This jar rep
resents your external boundary. It is not appropriate ever to let anyone inside
your boundary. Practice expanding your boundary to get distance and then
pulling it in close to you to receive a hug or to be sexual. With this boundary
in place in your mind, proceed as follows.
THE PHYSICAL BOUNDARY
Set your physical external boundary by memorizing and saying this statement
to yourself:
I have the right to determine who touches me, when, where, and how that person
touches me, and how close to me I allow a person to stand, and vice versa.
With this statement, you claim ownership of your body and acknowledge that
nobody has the right to stand too close to you or touch you without your per
mission. On the other hand, as you give yourself the right to have a self-
determined boundary, you also give other people the right to determine how
close you can get and whether you can touch them. Each of us has the right to
negotiate that space or distance.
For example, if you’re uncomfortable because somebody is standing too
close, you might say to the person, “You’re standing too close. Would you
please move back?” Perhaps someone you don’t know walks up and puts his
arm around you. His action is not sexual, but he is just too close physically for
your comfort. You have the right to turn and say graciously, “I don’t know you
well enough for you to put your arm around me, and Pm uncomfortable. Would
you please take your arm down and step back?” You can’t stop him from touch
ing you if you don’t see him coming. But you can set your boundary as soon
as you feel uncomfortable.
I do this for myself with strangers, with friends, with my husband, and
with my kids. And I allow them to do this with me, too.
It’s imperative for legitimate peace and security to be able to set bound
aries. Yet people who have been physically abused often have a lot of difficulty
asking others to move or saying no to anyone who gets too close to them for
comfort. They think they are being rude or that they don’t have the right to tell
someone not to touch them. But this fear and reticence is part of the disease
of codependence. Every adult has the right to determine what is done to his or
her own body. Everyone has the right and the duty to set boundaries when
relating to other people.
THE SEXUAL BOUNDARY
Just as you did for your physical boundary, visualize your sexual boundary as
an inverted jar. Then set your sexual boundary by memorizing and saying this
statement to yourself:
I have the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how I will be sexual,
and vice versa.
That means that nobody has the right to tell you that you have to be sexual with
him or her, nor tell you how, when, or where you will be sexual. You alone deter
mine that. You need only face the consequences of your choices. On the other
hand, as you determine that boundary for yourself, you also give any other per
son you might relate to sexually the right to make that determination for him
self or herself. So if you’re trying to negotiate being sexual with your spouse,
who says, “No, thank you,” that’s the end of it. He or she has the right to tell
you, “No, I don’t want to be sexual with you now.” Or he or she might need to
say, “Yes, I want to be sexual, but I don’t want to do it that way.” This boundary
allows you to be sexually protected and also to act appropriately with others.
Your sexual boundary determines not only whether or not you will be sex
ual, but also in what way you will be sexual. For example, Irene might want
to be sexual with her husband Jim, but not in a particular way that Jim wants
to (for example, her breasts hurt and she doesn’t want him to touch them). So
how does she set her boundary to exclude a specific kind of sexual behavior
with which she is not comfortable, without excluding all sexual behavior with
her husband?
First, she says, “Til be sexual with you but my breasts are sore tonight, so
please be careful about touching them.” She has her imaginary jar (sexual bound
ary) pulled in close as if glued to her to allow Jim close to her body, but when
the boundary comes to her breasts she imagines the boundary bubbling out there.
What To Do Use the following to write about instances when you have noticed that someone
has crossed your physical or sexual boundary. Describe the situation and what
you did and/or said (if anything) to protect yourself.
EXAMPLE I was standing in line at the grocery store when I felt the hair
on the back of my neck stand up. I turned and realized the
woman behind me was only Inches from me. She had her back
to me and was scanning the magazine rack. I couldn’t move
forward because I’d bump my grocery cart into the person
ahead of me in line. So I said to her, "Excuse me, but I’m
uncomfortable with you standing so close. Could you move
back, please?” I gave her a great big smile. She was glad to
move back and did. I never knew how much having people too
close bothered me or that I could do anything about it before!
322 / BREAKING FREE
Times When Someone Has Crossed My External Boundaries

Use the following space to record instances when you have realized or
been told you were invading someone else’s physical or sexual boundary. Name
the person and describe the situation and what the other person did or said to
let you know, and also your response.
EXAMPLE I was talking to a girl I knew at a party and I suddenly

noticed she kept stepping back from me. I'd move up and then
she’d step back again. I also noticed that she wasn’t looking
at me when I talked or when she answered. It occurred to me
that maybe I was crowding her a little bit. I said, "Hey, am I
standing too close to you?” and I moved back. She said, "Yes,
I guess you were,” and shrugged, but we went on talking and
I no longer had the Impression she was trying to get away
from me. She looked me In the eye and smiled and talked to
me for a long time. I guess I’ve been standing too close to
people for years and didn’t realize It.
324 / BREAKING FREE
Times When I Have Crossed Someone’s External Boundaries

Tracking Improvement
As you recover regarding this symptom, you will notice that you are better able
to negotiate distance and touch with others, physically and sexually. You may
feel less vulnerable (able to say no), less antidependent (able to ask for physi
cal or sexual nurturing), or less needless/wantless (more able to recognize that
you need physical space, physical affection, more sex, less sex, or different
kinds of sexual behaviors), and more able to express your feelings about your
needs and wants.
What To Do Describe in the following space any incidents that seem like examples of recov
ery regarding setting external boundaries.
326 / BREAKING FREE
Signs of Improvement of My External Boundaries
DAIS:
WHAI HAPPBWSD:
DAIS:
WHAI HAWZHSD:
Setting Internal Boundaries
You need an internal boundary so you can detach enough to accurately hear
what another person tells you about who he or she is, and so you can separate
that person’s feelings and thoughts from your own. With a good internal bound
ary, you can be in a relationship without projecting your own skewed interpre
tations onto the other person or allowing that person’s fear or pain, for
instance, to become your own and overwhelm you. And an intact internal
boundary is especially helpful and necessary when someone is confronting
you.
With a healthy internal boundary, you can truly detach from other people
while staying in caring relationships. You can begin to choose your own
behavior, thinking, and feeling reality rather than making strong automatic
responses that baffle you. Therefore, learning to set an internal boundary is a
very big part of recovery from codependence. Learning to set a healthy inter
nal boundary usually takes more time, practice, and patience than setting an
external boundary because it’s not something you can touch or feel.
Purpose of These exercises are to help you learn to recognize when someone has authenti
cally transgressed your internal boundary, and when you have transgressed
Exercises someone else’s internal boundary, and to help you develop your own healthy
internal boundary system.
Background Before doing the following exercises, read (1) your own writing in Step One of
this workbook about your internal boundaries and (2) the following paragraphs.
Reading When your codependence is operating, you blame other people for your
thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and blame yourself for other people’s
thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You have the idea that other people make you
think, feel, or do things, or push your buttons.
“If you just wouldn’t look at her that way I wouldn’t feel jealous!” “If you’d
just come home at night when I want you to, I wouldn’t be so upset and
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worried.” “If you’d be nicer to me, I wouldn’t have to overeat and I could lose
weight.” “I can’t tell her Tm angry about what she said about me, because that
would make her cry and ruin the weekend.” This is erroneous, dysfunctional
thinking.
Nobody pushes your buttons. Nobody “makes” you angry, and nobody
really can “hurt your feelings,” unless he or she is committing a genuine act of
offense. When you observe something happening, that event first enters your
mind as thoughts about the event that give the event meaning. And it is that
meaning your mind gives the event that triggers your feeling reality—not the
event itself. As a result of that self-generated feeling reality, you choose your
behavior. So you are responsible for your own thinking, feeling, and what you
do or don’t do. The process works like this:
EVENTS -» THOUGHTS MEANING CHOICE -* FEELINGS -♦ BEHAVIOR
Since the experience of abuse in your past leads to skewed thinking about
present events, you may often come up with some distorted meanings for per
fectly nonoffensive events. As my husband has said to me more than once,
“Pia, you can take perfectly good data into your head, and by the time you
finish giving it meaning, it has very little to do with reality.”
By the same token, you don’t have the power to cause anybody else to
think, feel, or do or not do anything. When you say or do something, the other
person takes it in, gives it meaning, and has feelings and behaviors about it, all
on his or her own. This is why some people can stay calm and serene when
being criticized and other people dissolve into tears when someone doesn’t
smile at them.
The skewed thinking process often begins in childhood when the parent
blames the child for the abuse the parent is doing. And being abused creates
other kinds of skewed thinking. Since thinking triggers feelings, skewed think
ing makes it hard for codependents to know what they are really feeling or
what is really happening in their relationships.
I am convinced that to recover, a codependent must grasp this phenome
non of skewed thinking and how this is responsible for many of the codepen
dent’s painful feelings and mistakes in behavorial responses. But becoming
aware of this skewed thinking process is very difficult, since it is your mind
(which thinks in a skewed way) that must learn to recognize the skewed process
and how it is affecting your feelings. This factor makes recovery from
codependence more complex. But with acceptance of the fact that your think
ing is very likely to be skewed, it is not impossible.
Another painful consequence of lack of healthy internal boundaries is that
when someone is telling you his or her thoughts and opinions, you think you
must either agree with the person, giving up your own thinking reality, or you
must argue with the person until your opinion wins. This damages and bruises
relationships a great deal. But these are not the only choices. A person with
good internal boundaries does not have to convince others of the validity of his
or her reality.
It is important to acknowledge and accept the following as you begin to

work on improving your internal boundaries:
Thoughts’. You have the right to think what you think; you only need to
face the consequences of your thinking.
Feelings: You have the right to whatever feelings you have. You just need
to be careful that you don’t offend someone with your feelings by
expressing them immoderately. Your feelings are based on your think
ing, and you can’t change them except by changing your thinking.
Behavior: You have the right to do or not do whatever you need to for
yourself. You have the right to determine what your behavior needs to
be for yourself. You need only note the impact of your behavior on
other people and be willing to face the consequences. If your behavior
is authentically offensive to another person, you are responsible for the
impact of it.
To set your internal boundary, you must begin acting and thinking as if you
do in fact have the right to think, feel, and do whatever you want to think, feel,
and do. Hearing other people describe this process in Twelve-Step meetings or
watching sponsors or friends actually do it in their own lives can add much
courage and motivation to begin living this way yourself.
At the same time, you must be aware that while you have the right to think
what you think, the way your thinking affects your emotional reality and your
behavior bears examining. Your skewed thinking creates painful and some
times unnecessary codependent feeling reality. You need strong internal
boundaries within which to examine your thinking, get more information, and
correct any thinking you find to be skewed. Healthy thinking in recovery can
relieve some of the painful emotional reactions you have been subject to when
operating in codependence.
Making Your Internal Boundary Work

Keep in mind that when you first start to consciously set an internal boundary
it will probably feel very strange and you may not be very successful at it. Tve
noticed that most codependents have to attempt the process many times before
it works for them. But keep working with this anyway, because the first time
it works for you, I believe you will be amazed at how wonderful you feel.
The following exercise has helped me and others learn how to make the
internal boundary work.
Whenever someone confronts you by telling you his or her thinking and
feeling reality about you, use the following steps to set your internal boundary:
1. Imagine your external boundary in a form such as an inverted jar over

you or an energy force field surrounding you that you can see in your
mind.
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2. Hold your ear lobe between your thumb and forefinger and incline your
head slightly toward the person to whom you’re listening, to remind
yourself that the functional thing to do at the moment is to listen, not
defend yourself. (I started doing this because whenever my husband
confronted me I used to have a shame attack or rage attack instantly,
and I didn’t hear a thing he said.)
3. Imagine your internal boundary in a form such as a bulletproof vest or

a hard metal plate under your skin on your chest. The image I use of
my internal boundary has little doors in it that open to the inside. Only
I control when they open. They cannot be opened from the outside.
4. Silently repeat to yourself this memorized statement about the other

person:
What you think, feel, and choose to do or not do at this moment is more about
you and your history than it is about what I have said or done (and vice versa),
unless I have committed an authentic act of offense.
5. Listen to hear if the information coming to you is true, not true, or

questionable, and then take the appropriate action.
THE PROCESS IN ACTION
Harry comes in to the kitchen and says to his wife Anne, “I need to tell you
that Fm angry with you.” Right then she knows a confrontation is happening.
He’s going to express his thinking and feeling reality to her. Anne must set her
internal boundary so she can hear what Harry has to say and be intimate and
appropriate.
First, Anne imagines her external boundary and imagines setting it down
over her whole body. Next, she reminds herself that she is to be listening to
Harry, not defending herself. She might even hold or touch her ear lobe as a
reminder. Then Anne sets her internal boundary by imagining a sheet of metal
under the skin on her chest, doors facing in. She says to herself: “What Harry
thinks, feels, and chooses to do or not do at this moment is more about Harry’s
history than it is about what I have said or done, unless I have authentically
offended him.” That helps Anne to be able to hear Harry and then note the
impact of her behavior on him. As she notes the impact of her behavior on
him, she must remember that the impact is still more about him than it is about
her, unless she has transgressed one of Harry’s boundaries. If Harry is just
experiencing Anne’s reality and not liking it, his sensibilities may feel
“offended.” But I am not using the term “offended” in this way.
Anne listens to what Harry says, using her internal boundary. She reminds
herself, “I have the right to determine whether what Harry is saying about me
is true, not true, or questionable.” After he has finished, she determines for
herself which of the three it is.
IYue: It did happen as he’s describing it.

Not true: It did not happen as he is describing it.
Questionable: Anne isn’t sure whether it happened or not.
If she decides the information is true, even if it is threatening to her self
concept, she then imagines it as a little piece of matter out in front of her, lets
it come through the external boundary and the door in her internal boundary,
and has her feelings about it. It may feel painful or wonderful, depending on
what Harry is confronting her about.
Let’s say, for example, that Anne forgot to pick Harry up at work as she’d
promised to do, and as a result he missed a golf game with his boss. She real
izes it is true, lets the information in through her external and internal bound
aries, feels the guilt, and decides how she will make amends.
This is what I mean when I say that to recover, you must “hug your
demons or they’ll bite you in the ass.” Letting the truth come through our exter
nal and internal boundaries and acknowledging it is “hugging your demons.” It
is a mature act, and is also what I mean by being accountable.
After Anne owns her feelings about the true material from Harry, she can
take any appropriate action she may wish to about what he has told her. She
can thank him, make amends, or do what she considers to be mature for her
about the information Harry has shared.
External
Boundary
of
Receiver
Internal
Boundary
of
Receiver
Receiver (Anne) Giver (Harry)

(Boundary not shown for Harry)
What Happens When a Person Shares Thinking and Feeling Reality with Someone
Who Is Using External and Internal Boundaries.
When the information is true, receiver lets it through her external and internal boundaries.
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If Anne listens and decides that the information is not true, she imagines
that the little lump of information hits her external boundary and bounces to
the floor. She acknowledges to Harry that she heard him, by some means such
as nodding her head. She may even express some feelings about the fact that
Harry is having a painful experience by saying something like “That sounds
painful.” But it is not necessary for her to take responsibility for what he is feel
ing, thinking, or doing or not doing. In fact, it is an act of maturity not to take
responsibility for something when she has not committed any authentically
offensive act. A mature person is able to tolerate the fact that somebody has a
different sense of reality about what happened, and doesn’t have to argue,
justify himself or herself, or prevail. With maturity, Anne can let Harry (or
anyone else) have whatever his reality is.
Remember that much of Harry’s reality is related to his own history. And
only if Anne has authentically offended him is it helpful to her to let that con-
frontive information inside her boundaries and to have feelings about it.

When the information is not true, receiver keeps it outside her external boundary.
For most codependents who set out to develop an internal boundary sys
tem, most information falls in the questionable category. So if you find that you
are often in doubt about the truth of a confrontive claim, don’t think there is
something strange about you. That is very common. With practice and recov-
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY ! 333
ery you will recognize more easily what is true about yourself and what isn’t.
But there is a way to deal with questionable confrontive material.
If Anne decides Harry’s confrontive information is questionable, she lets
that little piece of information go through her external boundary, brings it
around behind her, and puts it on her shoulder where she can watch it. .. but
she allows nothing to enter her internal boundary. Eventually, when she gets
enough data about the information Harry has given her, Anne will very likely
have a definite sense of whether the statement is either not true or true. If the
information turns out to be not true, then she throws it outside her external
boundary. If she realizes it is true, she lets it in through a door in her internal
boundary and has her feelings about it. That, too, takes maturity. This latter
scenario of handling questionable information is the experience most people
have in treatment when their families confront them.
External
Boundary
i t
of
Receiver
Internal
Boundary
of
Receiver

When the information is questionable, receiver lets it through her external boundary
but keeps it outside her internal boundary.
WHAT ABOUT DISPUTING UNTRUE STATEMENTS?

Many people ask me, “If the confrontive material is not true, can’t I dispute
what the person is confronting me with?” I recommend not to argue or dispute
untrue statements at first, but to practice the process as I have described it. By
practicing keeping your mouth shut, you gradually become more comfortable
when other people disagree with you or don’t have the same sense about you
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that you have. This allows the other person to be who he or she is and teaches
you to accept the fact that not everyone sees you the way you do. And this way
of handling confrontive situations is much more serene for those codependents
who have always hated confrontations.
This process may be difficult to practice at first because a real issue for
many codependents is control. We want to make sure that everybody believes
what we believe and that what’s happening is in accordance with what we
believe. But this is an impossible stance, since all people will never have the
same perceptions about us (or anything else) that we do. Insisting that others
agree with our perceptions destroys or bruises relationships.
Learning to communicate by practicing this exercise can allow you to live
in mature action for yourself rather than in constant codependent reaction to
other people.
If you’re on Harry’s end of the experience and are confronting someone,
understand that you have the right to confront anybody with your reality and
need only face the consequences of doing so. But before you confront someone
with your reality, it is helpful to remind yourself that your reality is more about
you than the person you’re confronting, unless that person has authentically
offended you. You may find as time goes on that more and more frequently you
check your own thinking that sets up your confrontive feelings and discover
that the “offense” you attributed to the other person is about your interpretation.
If you check that out with the other person, you may have a much more suc
cessful time communicating intimately and finding the truth about what really
happened.
TWO IMPORTANT CAVEATS

Two extemely important caveats must be considered along with the informa
tion about a functional internal boundary. The first one is: although you know
that you are not responsible for how someone else is responding to you, if
you’re in a relationship you are responsible for noting the impact of your
behavior on the other person. When you note the impact, you may feel some
pain at seeing the person you care for in pain, even though your behavior has
not been authentically offensive. But with healthy internal boundaries you do
not feel guilt or shame, or feel responsible for causing the pain. Noting the
impact of your behavior on others is extremely important to having healthy
relationships.
If you are not noting the impact of your behavior on the other person, you
can’t adjust your reality in the interest of making the relationship more com
fortable. The attitude of “Tough! Your pain is your problem. I don’t care,” will
not lead to recovery and the growth of intimacy.
For example, say I move something that belongs to my husband (that I
have the right to move). My husband reacts to the feet that I moved it. I know,
when my boundary is standing up well, that his reaction to whatever I have
done is more about him and his history than what I’ve said or done, as long as
I haven’t offended him.
But I am in a relationship with him and I love and care about him. It’s
important to note the impact of my behavior, because I may want to adjust
some of it so we can live together more comfortably, even though 1 know his
reaction to my behavior is about his history, not because I am being offensive
in any way.
With my internal boundary working, I don’t have feelings of shame and
guilt about offending him, but I do learn about him and his feelings about the
issue in question, and perhaps, if the issue is serious enough for him, feel some
pain about seeing my loved one in pain. Then I can decide whether I want to
adjust my behavior to make our relationship more comfortable. As long as I do
not have to adjust so much that I lose touch with myself or cannot express my
own reality comfortably, such adjustments are fine.
The other caveat is: if one person in an exchange has authentically
offended the other by pushing through his or her boundary system, and has
physically, sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually attacked the
other person, then the offender cannot truly say that the victim’s reaction is
about the victim's history. That statement does not hold in the victim-offender
situation.
For example, let’s say that one person has touched another without permis
sion, or has screamed at or ridiculed the other person’s intellectual ability, all
of which are authentic offensive acts. In this instance, the person who did the
offensive act is liable for the effect on the other person. In other words, I can’t
slap my husband in anger (or for any reason) and then, when he responds with
a lot of anger and pain, say to him, “That’s more about you and your history
than about my slapping you across the face.” That’s not the case.
What To Do Use the following space to record instances when someone has confronted you
by telling you his or her thinking and feelings about some part of your reality
(such as your behavior or your thinking). Were you able to establish an exter
nal and internal boundary and listen, deciding if the information were true, not
true, or questionable? Name the person, describe what he or she confronted
you with, and describe how you used internal boundaries (if at all) to have a
more functional reaction.
EXAMPLE My mother told me in a letter that she was angry and felt
rejected by my decision not to come home during the holidays.
My decision was based on my true preference to go with my
boyfriend to his father’s ranch, not as a rejection of mother. I
realized that her anger and belief that she was being rejected
was more about her and her history than about my decision,
so I noted the Impact of my behavior on her but didn’t feel
guilt or responsibility.
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Or, if your first attempt at having internal boundaries isn’t so successful:
EXAMPLE I knew it wasn’t true, that I wasn’t rejecting her, but I blamed
myself for rejecting her and suffered for a while before I real
ized what I was doing.
Times When I Have Used Internal Boundaries When Confronted

1. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
S. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
3. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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Use the following space to write about instances when you have decided
to confront someone with your thinking and feelings about something the per
son has said or done. Were you able to do so in a nonblaming way, remember
ing that your thinking and feelings are more about you and your history than
about the other person? Name the person, describe the content of your con
frontation, and how you presented it.
EXAMPLE I made arrangements to have my collie groomed because he

was matted and dirty. I asked my husband to plok up ths dog
at the groomer's because I would be unable to do so. When I
asked him to plok up the dog he told me he thought it was
unnecessary to have the dog groomed. I felt annoyed when he
said that. When I got home I stated to him, “When you said it
was unnecessary to get the dog groomed, I felt mildly angry.”
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Use the following space to record instances when you have had the oppor
tunity to decide whether to share your opinion (thinking reality) with someone.
What was the issue? How did you use internal boundaries (if at all) to help you
if you were able to own your own opinion? If you did not acknowledge your
thinking, describe the process that prevented you from doing so.
EXAMPLE The discussion at the party turned to the new dean of the
university. Most people seemed to be critical of him. Our
neighbor, Dan, said he didn't like the man and was sorry he’d
gotten the position. But I had met the new dean at church the
week before and thought he seemed to be an intelligent, oar
ing individual who would be good for the university. In my
opinion, the press had made biased insinuations about him in
the paper, not giving him a fair chance before making judg
ments. There was a lull In the conversation, and I managed to
say, “Dean Rutherford was at our church last Sunday.” People
looked at me and I thought, “I could just stop there and not
tell them what I thought about him and the press. But these
are my friends. After all, I have the right to think what I
think. I’ll see what happens.” Then I Imagined my bulletproof
vest and told them what I thought about the dean and the
press. The discussion continued, Dan laughed and looked
"superior,” but I told myself that was about Dan and his
history. Then Mary said she had thought the same thing I did
about the press. I felt wonderfull
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Use the following space to record instances when someone else has shared
thinking reality with you that you did not agree with. What was the issue? How
did you use internal boundaries to help you simply listen to that person’s think
ing, if you were able to do this? Were you swayed to change your thinking and
agree with him or her? Were you “compelled" to argue with him or her in an
attempt to get his or her agreement with your thinking?
EXAMPLE I am on the board of an organization that provides for under

privileged families in my town. Last Thursday, George, know
ing this, told me that he thought people were taking
advantage of the organization, getting free food when they
really had the money to buy food. That’s why he didn't sup
port It. I knew that we had guidelines and procedures for
keeping a oheok on this, and that George’s father had been
vehemently against welfare of any kind. Instead of arguing
with George, I simply smiled and sincerely said, ‘‘Oh, really?
That's an interesting thought,” and let it go. I said to myself,
George's opinion is more about him and his history than
about what I'm doing through that organization. Saying that
helped me keep from feeling anger and from arguing with him
and justifying our guidelines and procedures. I walked away
and forgot about It until right now when I read this question.
It hasn’t bothered me a bltl.
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How I Have Reacted When Someone Has Shared Thinking with Which I Haven’t Agreed
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Use the following space to record instances when someone has shared his
or her feeling reality with you. How did you use internal boundaries to help
you simply listen to that person’s reality, if you were able to do this? Were you
swayed to say something to lessen or change that person’s feelings?
EXAMPLE I went to lunch with Elsie, whose daughter has decided to

drop out of college to marry a young man who has no job and,
in Elsie’s opinion, little prospect of getting one. Elsie told me
through her tears how upset she is about this, how her hopes
and dreams for her daughter have been ruined. She felt
depressed, angry, and afraid for her daughter and said she
was sure that the marriage would never last. I imagined my
bulletproof vest and told myself that Elsie has the right to
think and feel what she thinks and feels and I do not have the
right to try to change that. I kept thinking of all the things
I’ve learned about detachment to tell her about, but didn’t
find a way to share my own experience because Elsie talked
nonstop. I ended up telling her I thought it sounded like a dif
ficult time for her. After lunch I felt Kind of down, but then I
reminded myself that those things were not happening to me
or my daughter and that I had a right to feel and think about
my own life, whatever my friends were feeling about theirs. So
I didn’t go into a depression over Elsie’s daughter’s problems,
or start obsessing about how to save Elsie from her pain. I
went on with my plans for a dinner party this weekend and
had a great day.
How I Have Reacted When Someone Has Shared Feelings with Me

1. DAU:
WHAI HAPPXHXD:
A. DAU:
WHAT HAPPXHTXD:
3. DATS:
WHAI HAPP1HHD:
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As recovery progresses, you will notice that you are more comfortable inter
nally when others share their thinking and feeling reality with you. If you have
been without boundaries, you will be more able to control how much vulnera
bility you have. Your own feelings and thinking will be going on while you lis
ten to others-a sense of a separate self will begin to emerge. If you have used
walls of anger or fear in the past, you will begin to feel more calm and con
fident (less invulnerable), able to share your reality with others and hear theirs
without inappropriate anger or fear.
What To Do Describe any incidents when you become aware of progress in using appropri
ate internal boundaries.
EXAMPLE My husband shared with me that he thought my son should

go to an in-state public university Instead of a private, out-of-
state school because the difference in the quality of education
is minimal and the cost difference is large. As he said this, I
felt mild pain and some irritation. In the past I know I would
have felt shame and guilt and would have also gone on to
agree with him, even though originally I agreed with my son’s
decision to go out of state. As I listened to my husband, I said
to myself, “He has a right to his opinion, and I have a right to
mine. I disagree with him and am going to support my son's
decision.” I then told my husband, “I hear you. However, I
support my son in what he is doing.” I felt centered and in
control of myself. I saw my husband look irritated and did
not say anything more.
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Signs of Improvement of My Internal Boundaries

Owning Your Own Reality
The bottom-line question for most codependents is: Who am I? Recovery with
regard to the symptom of difficulty owning your own reality is the key to
answering this question. When you sense your reality, you know better who
you are.
The first two symptoms of codependence contribute to the difficulty with
recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting your own reality. To review, they
are (1) that you could not experience self-esteem at the appropriate level (feel
ing you were either less than or better than others) and (2) that you could not
set appropriate external or internal boundaries for yourself, leaving you with
out the protection you need to own your reality. After you have worked on
these two preceding core symptoms, you can turn to this vital area of recovery.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you (1) improve your ability to own
your own physical reality (appearance and bodily functioning), thinking, feel
Exercises ings, and behavior, and (2) improve your level of comfort with your own
imperfection.
Background (1) Review pages 21-28 of Facing Codependence, about the symptom of
difficulty owning your reality. (2) Review pages 82-85 of Facing Codepen
Reading dence, about a child’s imperfection in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review the
writing you did in Step One in this workbook about the way you experience this
symptom in your own life. (4) Read the following paragraphs.
As described in chapters 2 and 5 of Facing Codependence, difficulty own
ing our reality stems from not having our own childhood imperfection
accepted, understood, and guided by our major caregivers. As a result, we
responded in one of two ways: (1) we became a rebellious, “bad” person who
doesn’t try to do anything well at all because it was so impossible during child
hood to meet our caregivers’ perceived demands for perfection (we learned a
“Why bother?" attitude for life), or (2) we expended a vast amount of energy
333
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trying to be perfectly correct and appropriate (according to the desires of our

caregivers) in our physical appearance, our thinking, our emotions, and our
behavior because we thought that by being perfect we could then avoid the pain
of being attacked, shamed, punished, and/or ignored when we presented our
own reality to our caregivers. We succeeded to various degrees but paid an
enormous personal price. The attitude is “If Tm perfect enough I can avoid a
lot of pain, shame, fear, and so on. When people are angry with me about my
mistakes, it is my fault for not being perfect.”
The exercises are divided into three parts. In the first part, you will exam
ine your ability to own your shortcomings and imperfections. In the second
part, you will reassess your ability to own the four parts of reality. And the
third part deals specifically with each area of reality: the body, thinking, feel
ings, and behavior.
Changes in Owning Your Imperfection
What To Do Use the following space to write about changes you have noticed in the rebel-
lious/“bad” or perfect/“good” stance toward life you adopted during childhood.
EXAMPLE My childhood stance in life was perfect/“good.” I used to not

even consider that I might be wrong, and when someone ques
tioned my memory of something I insisted that I had remem
bered it correctly. But yesterday my husband reminded me
that we were going to get the kids’ Christmas presents at
K-Mart last night, when I had thought we were going to wait
until the weekend. I honestly can’t remember which one we
decided on, although I remember the discussion we had. I felt
a flash of anger and started to argue, but then I realized,
“Well, this is one of my symptoms. I guess I’ll Just go with
the flow and not fuss about it.” So I said, “Gosh, honey, I
guess I remembered wrong. I thought we said we’d go this
weekend. But let’s do it tonight, anyway,” and gave him a big
smile. He was amazed and I felt relieved not to have to fight
about who was right.
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A Reassessment
Since recovery in the previous two symptoms concerning experiencing self-
esteem and having appropriate boundaries predictably affects recovery in this
symptom of owning one’s reality, you may now be on a different level concern
ing owning your reality.
What To Do Reassess your level of awareness of your own reality at this time using the fol
lowing chart. Place an X in the appropriate box for each area of reality.
My Reassessment of Owning My Reality
LEVEL OF PHYSICAL THINKING FEELING BEHAVIORAL

AWARENESS REALITY REALITY REALITY REALITY
LEVEL A
LEVELB
HEALTHY
Level A: Know your reality but won’t tell.
Level B: Don’t know what your reality is.
Healthy: Know your reality and can own it when appropriate.
Changes in Owning Specific Areas

of Reality
Now we will deal with each area of reality individually. Spend some time on
each area, following these guidelines:
1. In a quiet place, read the instructions for one area, then meditate for
at least fifteen minutes (more if you wish) about your life as related to
that particular area of reality. Write the insights that come to you dur
ing your meditation in the space provided. If no insights come, repeat
your meditation about that area of reality for several days until insights
come.
For each area where you have assessed yourself as being at level A,
begin to own your reality by writing about an example of that type of

reality you have not been willing to share with another safe person.
Then share it with someone safe or at a Twelve-Step meeting, and
write about how you felt as you acknowledged your reality to someone.
For each area where you have assessed yourself as being at level B,
describe various aspects of that area of your reality to the best of your
ability. When you consciously own something, even if you know it isn't
exactly right, your subconscious mind will often gradually surrender
knowledge from which you have been cut off, and you can begin to
know what your reality is. Then go back and correct whatever you have
previously written with the more accurate knowledge.
2. Attend a Twelve-Step meeting such as Codependents Anonymous and

share your awareness of yourself in each area of reality. Listen for oth
ers to share on the same subject and try to let what you hear lead you
to insights about yourself. If attending a meeting is not possible, call
a fellow Twelve-Step member or your sponsor and briefly talk about
your awareness of yourself. Ask that person what his or her experience
has been with awareness of this area and listen for insights that apply
to you. Write about any insights that come to you as a result of either
of these experiences.
What To Do Write about changes in owning your reality in each of the four areas.
YOUR PHYSICAL REALITY
Use the following space to record any changes you have made as a result of
beginning to acknowledge your physical appearance.
Possibilities: Changes in the way you dress
Changes in your grooming procedures (shaving, hairstyle,

makeup)
Recognizing that you are too heavy or too thin and taking
steps to improve that
Greater acceptance of your physical characteristics (such

as facial features, body size, certain bulges, height,
weight)
358 / BREAKING FREE
Changes in Owning My Physical Appearance

Use the following space to record any changes you have made regarding
your awareness of how your body is functioning.
Possibilities: Getting enough sleep
Getting a physical exam or dental checkup
Getting medical advice about a suspicious symptom
Doing reasonable exercise
Correcting constipation or chronic diarrhea
liking care of headaches
liking care of back pain

360 / BREAKING FREE
Changes in Owning My Body Functioning

THINKING REALITY
Use the following space to write about any changes you have made to own your
thinking reality.
If you have been at level A, record incidents when you stated an opinion
that you had previously been unable or unwilling to share; and record occa
sions when you were able to give your preference for a restaurant, movie, or
other activity you shared with someone else. Whether you ended up doing
what you preferred or not, did you share your preference?
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what your thinking
is on a subject that has come up for discussion in your presence recently; and
write your answer to a frequently asked question in your life, such as “Where
shall we go out to eat?” or “What do you want to do tonight?”
362 / BREAKING FREE
Changes in Owning My Thinking Reality

FEELING REALITY
Use the following space to write about any changes you have made in owning
your own emotional reality.
If you have been at level A, record any incidents when you were able to
express an emotion you had previously held in (for example, at a meeting, with
your spouse or significant other, with a friend, with a therapist).
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what your feelings
are on an issue that has come up recently. Some examples of possible issues are
(1) someone was late for an appointment with you; (2) someone close to you
has been seriously ill; (3) you yourself have a serious illness. (After you have
done this, your authentic emotions will often gradually surface later and you
can correct this guess with the more accurate knowledge of your feeling
reality.)
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Changes in Owning My Feeling Reality

BEHAVIORAL REALITY
Use the following space to write about how you have begun to acknowledge
your own behavior.
If you have been at level A, write about a behavior you have not been will
ing to acknowledge to another person before. Remember that behavior
includes both shortcomings and accomplishments. Later, after you have told
someone about your behavior or talked about it at a Twelve-Step meeting,
write short sentences about the behavior you are now beginning to own.
EXAMPLE I told my sponsor I am often late to aftercare.
I told some of my friends I did a good job on the report I

handed In at work.
I told my wife I forgot to mail her letters until a day later.
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what you have
done or not done. Possibilities include what you might have done with an item
you have lost, or the impact of your behavior on your spouse and children,
your employees or co-workers, your friends.
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Changes in Owning My Behavioral Reality

Recovery in this symptom of owning your own reality leads to a general sense
of being comfortable with yourself as a perfectly imperfect, fallible person.
What To Do Record instances in which you have noticed your own imperfection and experi
enced less discomfort than before.
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Signs of Improvement in Owning My Imperfection

Acknowledging and Meeting
Your Own Needs and Wants
Now that your are experiencing some recovery in the areas of self-esteem,
boundaries, and owning your own reality, you can turn to acknowledging and
meeting your own needs and wants. As a functional recovering adult, you are
responsible for meeting your own needs and wants. You take care of those
needs that you can meet on your own but you ask for help from appropriate
sources with meeting the ones that no one can meet alone, such as the needs
for emotional and physical nurture. You acknowledge both little wants and big
wants and take steps to meet them for yourself or with the cooperation of
others.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you (1) move out of whatever codependent
condition you experience with needs and wants, toward interdependence; (2)
Exercises identify and go about meeting your own needs; (3) identify your own wants,
both big and little, and meet those that are feasible and appropriate.
Background (1) Review pages 28-34 of Facing Codependence, concerning the symptom of
difficulty acknowledging and meeting needs and wants. (2) Review pages
Reading 85-88 of Facing Codependence, concerning a child’s dependency in a dysfunc
tional family. (3) Review your writing in Step One in this workbook about how
you experience this symptom.
Recovery from this symptom involves practicing awareness and taking the
steps necessary to meet your needs and wants. The following exercises provide
space to record your emerging awareness and successes in meeting needs and
wants, taking responsibility for yourself when appropriate, and asking for help
when appropriate.
369
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A Reassessment
Now that you have begun to experience recovery in the previous three symp
toms, changes may have occurred in your level of awareness in this symptom
since you made your original assessment in Step One.
What To Do Reassess yourself now using the following charts. Mark an X in the appropri
ate box in each column of the charts.
My RttueeitutetU tf Hew I Mett Needt

iMkaU Flaaadal
Dtani Stxaat 1^9. ll/li
Nartariag Nartariag AXtatiaa A GeJAuict GaUaact
ft
*
AMta/
MMritn
Caafiut
atttoaH
MMl
HtMf
Too dependent: I know I have needs but I don’t acknowledge or take care
of them.
Antidependent: I know I have needs but I do not or cannot ask for help.
Needless: I am unaware I have needs.
Confuse needs with wants: I take care of needs (of which I am unaware)
by getting what I want (which I can recognize).
Healthy: I acknowledge and meet my needs.

372 / BREAKING FREE
My Reassessment of How J Meet Wants

LEVEL OF UTTLE WANTS BIG WANTS
FUNCTIONING (PREFERENCES) (AFFECTING LIFE GOALS)
TOO DEPENDENT
ANTIDEPENDENT
WANTLESS
CONFUSE WANTS WITH NEEDS
HEALTHY
Too dependent: I know what I want but expect others to meet my wants.
Antidependent: I know what I want but do not or cannot ask for help.
Wantless: I don’t know what I want.
Confuse wants with needs: I get wants met in an attempt to meet needs.
Healthy: I acknowledge my wants and meet them.

Changes in Your Level of Functioning
What To Do Use the following space to write about changes you have noticed in your level
of functioning regarding wants and needs.
TOO DEPENDENT WITH NEEDS: I know what my needs are but expect
others to meet them for me.
If you assessed yourself as too dependent with needs, in recovery you begin to
meet the needs you can meet for yourself without relying on others. Write
below the needs you have begun to provide for yourself.
374 / BREAKING FREE
Needs I Now Meet for Myself

ANTIDEPENDENT WITH NEEDS: I know I have needs but cannot or

will not ask for help when another person is required to meet the need.
If you have been unable to ask for help in the past, in recovery you begin to risk
asking safe people for help with the needs that require assistance. Use the
space below to write about experiences you now have when you ask someone
to help you meet a need.
Possibilities:
• when you need a hug or back rub (physical nurture)
• when you need to be sexual
• when you need directions to go somewhere
• when you need clarification of someone’s instructions
• when you need financial advice
• when you need medical attention
• when you need to talk about a problem or share a feeling

376 / BREAKING FREE
Changes in Asking for Help with Needs

NEEDLESS: I am unaware that I have needs.
If you are needless trying to move to awareness of your needs, you will not
automatically know what you need. All people have the basic needs I discussed
earlier in this workbook, needs for food, clothing, shelter, physical nurture,
emotional nurture, medical/dental attention, financial information, sex, and
sexual information. After reviewing the questions about needs on pages 51-53
of this workbook, write in the space below needs you have become aware of
that you were not aware of before.
Possibilities:
• the need for a hug or massage (physical nurture)
• the need for time, attention, and direction
• the need for medical or dental examinations
• the need for financial information
• the need for help preparing meals when you are sick
• the need for shelter when you have lost your job and cannot provide
shelter for yourself or your family
378 / BREAKING FREE
Needs I Have Become Aware Of

When you move from being needless into being aware of your needs, you
may move into antidependence regarding those needs: you now know what you
need, but cannot or do not ask for help when another person is required to
meet the need. If you are at this place (aware of needs but not getting the help
you need), go back to the previous exercise and work on experiences you have
as you begin to get assistance to meet these needs.
CONFUSING WANTS WITH NEEDS: I take care of needs (of which I am

unaware) by getting what I want (which I can recognize).
If you have focused on your wants while neglecting some of your needs, or got
ten things you want in an attempt to satisfy needs, in recovery you begin to
identify the needs you were attempting to meet, and meet them directly. In the
following space write down needs you have been trying to meet with wants that
you are now meeting directly.
Possibilities:
• needing appropriate clothes for work, but spending clothing money on

“fun” clothes that you want
• needing to develop friends for emotional nurture but buying a new car
and spending your time in the car
• needing to share your feelings but eating an ice cream sundae instead
■ needing help with your fears about not having enough money, but going
on a spending spree getting whatever you want to reassure yourself
about money
380 / BREAKING FREE
Needs I No Longer Meet with Wants, But Meet Directly

TOO DEPENDENT WITH WANTS: I know what my wants are but expect
others to provide them for me.
If you assessed yourself as too dependent with wants, in recovery you begin to
provide yourself with your wants. Write below the wants you have begun to
provide for yourself.
382 / BREAKING FREE
Wants I Can Provide for Myself

ANTIDEPENDENT WITH WANTS: I know I have wants, but I cannot or

will not ask for help with them.
If in the past you could not or did not ask for what you wanted when it required
asking someone else for help, write in the following space about experiences
you are now having when you do ask someone to help you.
Possibilities:
• when you want to go dancing or take ballroom dancing lessons
• when you want to invite guests to your home
• when you want to share a movie with someone
• when you want to ask a salesperson to help you try on clothes

384 / BREAKING FREE
Changes in Asking for Help with Wants

WANTLESS: I am unaware that I have wants.
If you are wantless trying to move to awareness of your wants, you will not
automatically know what you want. To recover, you have to make guesses
about what you think you want. In the normal growing-up process, a child
learns about wants like this: the child thinks he or she wants something, makes
the decision to get it, gets it, then finds out if he or she really wants it or not.
So some of the things you think you want will turn out to be something you
really don’t want, and that is normal. It is the process of wanting something,
getting it, and discovering whether or not you really want it that teaches you
about your own wants.
To begin to recover from being wantless, try to prime the pump by guess
ing at a few things you think you might want. List them in the following chart.
Next, attain this want for yourself and evaluate whether it brings you joy. Write
“Yes" or “No” beside each item in the list that you get, according to whether or
not you enjoyed it.
386 / BREAKING FREE
Brought Joy
Things I Think I Might Want, But I’m Not Sure (Yes/No)
•
Recovery from this symptom means that you begin to experience interdepen
dence. You are able to note your needs and wants and meet them for yourself.
When you cannot meet them yourself, you are able to ask for help without
shame or guilt. In recovery, as you move toward interdependence, you are also
moving away from one or a combination of the four codependent stances:
Too dependent
Antidependent
Needless and wantless
Confusing wants with needs
What To Do Use the following space to write about ways you are beginning to acknowledge
and meet specific needs and wants. List the need or want, then describe what
you are doing to meet it.
388 / BREAKING FREE
Ways I Am Beginning to Acknowledge and Meet Needs

Vfays I Am Beginning to Acknowledge and Meet Wants

Experiencing and Expressing
Your Reality Moderately
As a codependent, when you experience and express your physical, thinking,

feeling, and behavioral reality, you are either immature and out of control or
overmature and extremely controlling. This symptom is sometimes referred to
as the either/or syndrome or the all-or-nothing approach to life. It is both a
symptom in itself and a characteristic of each of the other four symptoms:
ONE THE
SYMPTOM EXTREME OPPOSITE EXTREME
Self-esteem less than better than
Boundaries too vulnerable invulnerable
Owning reality rebellious/bad perfect/good
Meeting needs and wants too dependent antidependent or
needless/wantless
Operating in extremes inunature/chaotic overmature/controlling
Purpose of These exercises are designed (1) to guide you in reexamining your responses to
specific situations so you can discover your extreme experiences or expres
Exercises sions, and (2) to provide a place to write about your experiences or expres
sions that are more moderate as you experience improvement.
Background (1) Review pages 35-42 of Facing Codependence, about the symptom of
difficulty experiencing and expressing your reality moderately. (2) Review
Reading pages 88-89, about a child’s immaturity in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review
your writing in Step One about how you experience and express reality
immoderately. (4) Read the following paragraphs.
As you have learned in Facing Codependence, this symptom begins with
390
the way your caregivers responded to your childhood characteristics of

immaturity. Depending on whether you were pushed to be more mature than
your age or allowed to be less mature than your age, you developed a chaotic
or a controlling approach to life. From either position, however, you experi
ence reality immoderately.
By chaotic, I mean more than just lack of organization. It is an underfunc
tioning, spacy, haphazard, almost helpless approach to life that invites being
rescued and controlled by others. And you are either grateful or rebellious
toward those who try to rescue and control you. By controlling, I mean a rigid,
manipulating, in-charge, inordinately responsible approach to life that you
impose on yourself and others. You may often be angry and resentful or experi
ence great pain when someone ignores, resists, or escapes your control.
In addition to these two characteristics, you have difficulty expressing your
reality in a way that is appropriate for your age. You may present yourself phys
ically as someone much younger or older than you actually are. Your thinking
may be very young, naive, and immature, or you may put yourself through
mental processes common for a much older person. Your anger may be of the
two-year-old temper-tantrum variety or it may be expressed in the quiet, con
trolled voice of a saintly person wiser and more tolerant than you really are,
while inside you are churning and fighting to control yourself. And your
behavior may be childish or inordinately controlled and “old.” In other words,
if I and my daughter, who are both adults, are both in recovery and express our
reality moderately, it will look, sound, and be different for her, a young woman
in her twenties, than for me, a forty-six-year-old woman.
When you move toward recovery, you are able to be mature at your own
age level (twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, and so on) more
of the time. You can experience and express moderation in your appearance,
thinking, feelings, and behavior.
Moderate responses usually feel very strange for a while to a codependent.
In your own opinion (which is still coming out of codependence), you may
think you aren’t doing enough. Sometimes you may wonder whether people
will think you don’t care enough about their issues if you don’t have extreme
emotional reactions to them. But I believe as you continue to try to experience
and express yourself with moderation, you will find a great improvement in
your own sense of inner peace and in the atmosphere of your relationships.
What To Do Use the following space to describe encounters in which you now realize your
response was extreme. (Perhaps your thinking process created an extreme
solution to a conflict, you were extremely emotional, or you did an extreme
behavior.) After describing your extreme reaction, tell how you might have
responded to the same situation with moderation.
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EXAMPLE ZHI SITUATION: My husband commented that I spent too

much time fussing over picky details about meals.
MT IXTBIMI BIACTION: Thinking—I decided, "Okay, if

that’s his problem, I’ll show him. I’ll spend no time on meals.
Then he’ll know what he’s missing.” Feelings—I was hurt and
felt unappreciated for all I do for him. Behavior—I served fro
zen dinners the rest of the week. I was sulky and distant and
refused to talk to him about it further.
A MOST MODIBATE BISFONSI: I could have talked to him

about what he meant and why he was bringing it up. I might
have learned that he just didn’t think it was necessary to have
four courses every night (soup, salad, entree, dessert) and
homemade bread and other “extras” I’ve been serving. I
might have learned that he wanted me to have more time with
him in the evening and was willing to have less-elaborate
meals to make that happen. I could have explored simpler rec
ipes such as crock-pot dishes, casseroles from the freezer, and
brown ’n’ serve rolls. I could have saved my gourmet expertise
for times when we entertain friends or special occasions like
birthdays and anniversaries.
394 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to write about incidents you are noticing in which
you experience an area of reality with more moderation.
EXAMPLE INCIDENI: My boss told me that he had noticed how often I

was late returning to work after lunch during the past month
and wanted me to be back on time.
REALITY AREA(S) INVOLVED: Thinking, feeling, behavior
MY RESPONSE AND HOW IX WAS MORE MODERATE: I was

able to tolerate his noticing my imperfection. I did not launch
into justifying my tardiness, I just realized that he was right.
I felt guilt because I value being on time, and 1 felt shame
because my Imperfection was noticed, but it did not grow into
the usual shame attack. I told my boss that I was sorry and I
certainly would make it a point to be back on time. The next
day I was back two minutes late instead of twenty minutes
late, and I considered that a success. I didn’t have to come
back fifteen minutes early to PROVE I could be on time, like I
used to do.
396 / BREAKING FREE
Whether you have acted younger or older than your age, experiencing
your reality at your own age level is a mark of recovery. Use the following
space to describe ways you are beginning to experience and express yourself
closer to your own age level.
EXAMPLE Physical reality: I am a sixty-five-year-old man. I played var

sity basketball in college and have continued to seek out
basketball games to keep in shape. For the last five years I’ve
been playing at the health club with a bunch of guys in their
twenties. I’ve suffered bruises and sprains and had to take
time off to recuperate, but as soon as I could, back I’d go. I
didn't want anyone to think I was a sissy. It’s a wonder I
didn’t seriously hurt myself. Last week some guys in their
sixties who go to my church invited me to play tennis with
them one afternoon a week. I went and tried it and really
liked being with physically fit men my own age. I can still
keep in shape but compete with people who are at my level
and have conversations about things I’m interested in at this
stage of life.
nays I’m Beginning to Act My Own Age

398 / BREAKING FREE
Recovery from this symptom means experiencing moderation in your life in
general.
What To Do Use the following to describe ways you have noticed you are different—more
moderate in your experience of the situation.
Possibilities: Telling a joke moderately
Cleaning house moderately
Planning a moderate vacation
Responding to a crisis moderately (with appropriate feel

ings, which may be strong but are not overwhelming
and out of control)
Having a conversation, balancing listening with talking
Doing a moderate number of errands in one day
Giving moderate consequences to a child who has

misbehaved
Handling a “no” response from someone moderately

BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY 7 399
Ws / Am Experiencing Life More Moderately

Recovering From Unmanageable
Consequences
When you begin to experience improvement in the five core symptoms, their
unmanageable consequences automatically begin to improve also. As you feel
your own worth from inside more of the time, your need to exert negative con
trol is not as strong. As you develop healthy boundaries, own your own reality,
begin to meet your own needs and wants, and begin to experience and express
yourself moderately, many of these secondary symptoms decrease in intensity.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to improve your awareness of how the unmanage
able consequences heal themselves as you work on the five core symptoms.
Exercises This section provides space for you to record incidents in which you notice
recovery from these formerly unmanageable consequences.
Background Review chapter 3 of Facing Codependence, concerning unmanageable conse

quences stemming from the five symptoms of codependence. The unmanage
Reading able consequences are negative control, resentment, impaired spirituality,
avoidance of reality, and inability to sustain intimacy.
What To Do Each type of unmanageable consequence is dealt with individually in the fol
lowing pages. Spend as much time as you need on each one. Read the instruc
tions for one type of consequence, then spend some time reviewing your recent
. past in your mind. Look for the kinds of incidents called for, and write about
any you remember. If you can’t remember any, just spend time thinking about
the consequence. Then put away the workbook and go about your day. During
the day, try to be aware of times when you formerly would have experienced
the consequence you are working on but do not anymore, or experience it less.
Write about those examples in your workbook the next day. Continue this pro
cess focused on one consequence for several days before moving to the next
one.
400
NEGATIVE CONTROL, PART 1
Use the following space to write about times you have noticed when you have
exerted less effort to control any of the four parts of someone else’s reality (the
body, thinking, feelings, behavior) in situations in which you have exerted con
trol in the past.
402 / BREAKING FREE
Times I've Exerted Less Negative Control

1. NAME:
Beality of the other person I used to try to control:
How I responded differently today from in the past:
8. NAMS:
3. NAMS:

NEGATIVE CONTROL, B\RT 2
Use the following space to write about times you have noticed when you have
not allowed someone else to exert negative control over any of the four parts
of your reality (your body, your thinking, your feelings, your behavior) in situ
ations in which you have allowed your reality to be controlled in the past.
404 / BREAKING FREE
Times I Have Not Allowed Negative Control of Myself

NAME:
Area of reality this person attempted to control:
a. NAME:
s. NAME:

RESENTMENT
Use the following space to write about experiences you have had in which you
have noticed less resentment than you would have experienced before. Name
the person involved and describe what happend and what used to happen (or
would have happened, in your opinion).
406 / BREAKING FREE
Times I've Experienced Less Resentment

SPIRITUALITY
Whether you have come from the position of denying all imperfection or that
of thinking you are abnormally imperfect, at times in recovery you will be able
to embrace some aspect of imperfection without an acute shame attack.
Use the following space to write about instances in which you have seen
your own imperfection and have been able to accept it in yourself.
408 / BREAKING FREE
In recovery, we are able to talk about our imperfection to others as well as

to our Higher Power. Use the following space to write about times you have
been able to do so. Name the person (or group) you have shared your imperfec
tion with. Describe what you have said or done.
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Times I’ve Shared My Imperfection

In recovery, we are able to see and hear someone else’s imperfection with
out judging the person or having to change or fix him or her. Use the following
space to write about times you have been able to do so. Name the person who
shared his or her imperfection with you. Describe what you heard or saw and
how you responded.
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Times I’ve Listened to Someone Share His or Her Imperfection without Judgment
or Attempting to Change the Person
Describe in the following space your thoughts about the nature of the
Higher Power and your relationship with the Higher Power. How are these
changing as you experience recovery in this area of accepting your imperfec
tion and relating to a Higher Power? When and how do you talk to your Higher
Power?
414 / BREAKING FREE
AVOIDANCE OF REALITY
(ADDICTIONS, PHYSICAL ILLNESS, MENTAL ILLNESS)
In recovery, we move closer and closer to the reality of our own personal expe
rience, not necessarily “the Truth,” but what is real for each of us-what we
think, feel, do or not do, and how we look. As we get closer to this con
gruence, our reality becomes more in tune with the objective events in our
lives than it was before. As we are able to face and deal with the reality of our
lives and situations in which we find ourselves, we no longer need to cover and
hide our feelings from ourselves with compulsions and addictive substances,
physical illnesses, and mental disorders.
What To Do Use the following space to write about experiences you have had recently that
you have not medicated with an addiction (experiences that before recovery
would have led to your medicating yourself). Name the former addiction,
describe the situation, and describe what you did instead.
Experiences I Have Faced without Medication

1. ADDICTION: DAU:
THX SITUATION:
WHAT I DID INSTEAD:
I. ADDICTION: DATE
THE SITUATION:
WHAT I DID INSTEAD:

416 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to note any chronic physical symptoms you have
had that are improving (such as asthma, allergies, arthritis, hypertension,
migraine headaches, psychosomatic pain of any kind). Name the symptom and
describe how it has improved (for example, you need less medicine, it’s been
longer than ever since you had a headache or stomach ache).
Improvement in My Physical Symptoms

418 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to write about situations that used to put you out
of touch with reality (for example, profound depression, nervous breakdown)
but that you have been able to deal with while staying in touch with reality.
Describe the mental or emotional process you used to experience and how it
is better.
Improvement in My Mental and Emotional Processes

1. DATE:
MENTAL OB EMOTIONAL PROCESS:
HOW IT IS BETTER:
8. DATE:
MENTAL OB EMOTIONAL PBOCESS:
HOW IT IS BETTEB:
INTIMACY
Intimacy involves both giving and receiving without judgment or attempts to

change the other’s reality or “fix” him or her. Use the following space to write
about experiences of intimacy in which you have been able to give to the other
person. Name the person, describe the area or areas of reality that you have
shared (physical, thinking, feelings, behavior), and describe how you have
shared.
420 / BREAKING FREE
Experiences of Giving Intimacy

Use the following space to write about experiences of intimacy in which

you have received from someone else. Perhaps your child told you some things
he or she was thinking and you didn’t interrupt to try to adjust his or her reality.
Perhaps you felt a new physical closeness with your spouse or significant other.
Name the person and describe what happened.
422 / BREAKING FREE
Experiences of Receiving Intimacy

A Final Note
This is not the end of recovery or even of breaking free from codependence.
We are only beginning. But we are discovering that what began as a frantic
attempt to find relief from pain, powerlessness, and unmanageable conse
quences in our relationships has become a way to see how all of life can fit
together for us. We are beginning to enjoy living and the gifts and challenges
we have been given with a sense of serenity and gratitude.
We have found that working the Twelve Steps, attending meetings regu
larly, reading, working with a sponsor (and being sponsors), and perhaps most
of all beginning to trust our Higher Power with our wills and the recovery of
our lives has led us to realize that life really can be different. In giving away
what we are learning and receiving, we are finding the promises of the Twelve-
Step program coming true in our lives, one day at a time.
Our wish for you and for us is that we will all continue to grow as we learn
to live in healthy ways and to love ourselves, the other people in our lives, and
our Higher Power-whom we choose to call God.
Pia Mellody
Andrea Wells Miller
WELLNESS AND RECOVERY
A Life-Changing New Tool

for Moving Beyond Codependence
In her pioneering Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody traced the origins
of codependence back to childhood and a wide range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Now in this innovative
new workbook, she presents a step-by-step journal-keeping method for
moving toward recovery from codependence. Based on such concepts
as the “precious child”, the five core symptoms of codependence, and
the Twleve-Step process of recovery used by Co-Dependents Anony
mous, Breaking Free provides strategies and insights for dealing with
the fundamental problem of codependence—the inability to live as a
mature adult and have satisfying relationships.
In a three-part approach to recovery, Mellody first shows recovering
codependents how to move beyond denial of their childhood history of
abuse. She then offers techniques to identify concrete ways in which the
symptoms of codependence operate in their lives. Finally, Mellody guides
users through the process of identifying and recording specific instances
of improvement in their lives as an aid to greater self-awareness and
further recovery.
Praise for Pia Mei Body’s Facing Codependence:

“Offers tried and effective ways to treat codependency.... Splendid.”
—JOHN BRADSHAW, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You and
Bradshaw On: The Family
Pia Mellody, a nationally recognized authority on codependence, is

a consultant at The Meadows, an addiction treatment center at
Wickenburg, Arizona.
Andrea Wells Miller is a writer and president of A. W. Miller & Associates,
a communications company.
Cover design by Rosalie Blazej Mellody, Pia
Photography by Peter Kaplan / Light Images Breaking Free: A Recovery Workb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
200000249267? $12.99
RB - Psychology - Trauma & Rec
HarperOne
Ah Imprint ofHarperCoWinsPnblishers 9780062505903 Very Good
www.HarperOne.com ~ussellbooks.com 9

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BY THE SAME AUTHORS

breaking frbe: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. Copyright © 1989 by

HarperCollins Web site: http://www.harpercollins.com

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBUCATION DATA

Introduction BY PIA mellody vii

Breaking Free from Denial: Helpful Hints as You Begin xi

partI B eyond Denial About Your History of Abuse 1

part 2 Beyond Denial About Your Codependence 23

part 3 Beyond Denial About Your Recovery 299

In Facing Codependence I define codependence as the lack of those functional

1. The sheer number of symptoms identified as stemming from this

3. The realization of the scope of the problem—how extensively the

4. The seemingly slow progress you make in recovery, largely because

Using This Workbook

PART 1: BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT YOUR HISTORY OF ABUSE

PART 2: BEYOND THE DENIAL ABOUT YOUR CODEPENDENCE

PART 3: BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY

How Long Should You Spend

Recognizing Defense Mechanisms

DEFENSES ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONFUSING AND/OR

Because of this network of defenses that hides or camouflages any behavior or

■ What the defense mechanisms are

• How they work in your life

Your recovery will also be helped by accepting these facts:

• These defenses still operate in adult codependents.

• Your own defenses are usually invisible to you.

SUPPRESSION, REPRESSION, AND DISSOCIATION

MINIMIZATION, DENIAL, AND DELUSION

Ground Rules for Gathering Information

Background Chapter 8 of Facing Codependence.

1. Look only at your life from birth to age seventeen.

5. Do not compare your history to someone else’s. Such comparison can

7. Keep your focus on your caregivers, NOT on yourself as a caregiver.

Aids to Recovering Memories

As you learned in the background reading, spontaneous regression takes place

feeling memories; and (in therapy) experiencing regressions. Memories that

2. Writing about specific events enables you to connect your feelings to

of these old feelings in the form of surprising explosive feeling attacks

3. Writing about your childhood experiences enables you to look at how

Keep in mind as you begin to go through your memories of childhood that

Physical abuse: chapter 10

Sexual abuse: chapter 11

Emotional abuse: chapter 12

Intellectual abuse: chapter 13

Spiritual abuse: chapter 14

1. Name one caregiver.

3. Describe briefly what happened in each case.

TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FELT

Physical Mom 4 Slapped my face when I called my pain anger

Intellectual H 4-12 Ibid me I was stupid. fear shame

Emotional H 10 Told me not to cry when my dog died. fear shame

Sexual H 14- Made me talk to her after dates. shame shame

Spiritual M 6 Accused me of stealing money from shame shame

My History of Childhood Abuse

TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FELT

My History of Childhood Abuse

TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FEET

My History of Childhood Abuse

My History of Childhood Abuse

TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YO U FELT

My History of Childhood Abuse

TYPE OF WHO YOUR HOW YOU FELT

Purpose of When beginning to construct a picture of your childhood history, it is helpful

Background Chapters 5 and 6 of Facing Codependence.

Valuable Less-than Difficulty experienc Negative control Inability to

Imperfect Bad/rebellious Difficulty owning Distorted or nonex Inability to allow

Immature Extremely immature Difficulty experienc Impaired intimacy Inability to provide

When I go to a party The others are more valuable or impor

When I realize some I think the person is smarter than I

When I feel superior to my wife because she is being “emo

EXAMPLE EXTERNAL SEXUAL BOUNDARY: I believe my sexual bound