ATYD Book Three

All the Young Dudes
Book 3
BOOK THREE
Table of Contents
Book Three ......................................................................................5
Seventh Year 1977 – 1978 ............................................................................................ 9

The War 1978 – 1981 ............................................................................................... 193
Post War 1982 – 1995.............................................................................................. 513
Out of the Blue 2016 ...........................................................................................655
Seventh Year
1977 – 1978
Seventh Year, 1977 – 1978
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-
FOUR
VALENTINE'S DAY
You think I'm a lame duck
But I don't give a blue fuck
So you leave me like crazy
Drive me to be lazy.
I love you, you big dummy!
I love you you big dummy!
11
134 • Valentine’s Day
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-FIVE
THE MARAUDER’S INTER-HOUSE
PRANK PLANNING CO-OPERATIVE
23
135 • The Marauder’s Inter-house Prank Planning Co-operative
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SIX
MIND GAMES
Chapter Warning - really negative internal thoughts.
33
136 • Mind Games
34
35
136 • Mind Games
Working hard, having fun. Hope you’re well.

Love.
36
37
136 • Mind Games
38
39
136 • Mind Games
40
41
136 • Mind Games
42
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SEVEN
REMUS THE MARTYR
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth

The north side of my town faced east, and the east was facing south
And now you dare to look me in the eye
Those crocodile tears are what you cry
It's a genuine problem, you won't try
To work it out at all you just pass it by, pass it by
Substitute me for him

Substitute my coke for gin
Substitute you for my mum
At least I'll get my washing done.
43
137 • Remus the Martyr
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
If undelivered, please return to :
Ms Hope Jenkins, Sparrow Ward, Cardiff City Hospital, Cardiff.
51
52
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-EIGHT
HOPE
Chapter Warning - quite sad, and deals with family things as well as illness
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
53
138 • Hope
'This Is The Verse' by Philip Larkin

Ms Hope Jenkins.
54
Dear Remus,
I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you. I am afraid I
have been unwell, and I have not been at home to receive post.
I was so happy to hear from you. I am sorry I cannot write more,
my darling, but I would love to hear how you are getting on.
Please write again, to the address below.
Love Mum.
55
138 • Hope
56
57
138 • Hope
58
59
138 • Hope
60
61
138 • Hope
62
63
138 • Hope
64
65
138 • Hope
66
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-NINE
DRUNKARDS
Better get yourself together darling

Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughing at fools like me
Who on earth d'you think you are
A superstar?
Well, right you are
Well we all shine on

Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev'ryone come on
67
139 • Drunkards
68
69
139 • Drunkards
70
71
139 • Drunkards
72
73
139 • Drunkards
74
75
139 • Drunkards
76
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY
BRILLIANT IDEAS
77
140 • Brilliant Ideas
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-ONE
STAR STAR
Chapter Warning - Unpleasant Walpurga, PTSD from shit parenting.
85
141 • Star Star
86
87
141 • Star Star
88
89
141 • Star Star
90
91
141 • Star Star
92
93
141 • Star Star
94
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-TWO
HOSPITAL VISITS
Chapter Warning - sad, parent related stuff.
95
142 • Hospital Visits
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-THREE
BREAKDOWN
If I seem a little jittery I can't restrain myself

I'm falling into fancy fragments
Can't contain myself
I gotta breakdown, breakdown, yeah
I gotta breakdown, breakdown, yeah
103
143 • Breakdown
104
105
143 • Breakdown
106
107
143 • Breakdown
108
109
143 • Breakdown
110
111
143 • Breakdown
112
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FOUR
CHOICES
Her phobia is infection

She needs one to survive
It's her built-in protection
Without fear she'd give up and die
He's a germ free adolescent

Cleanliness is her obsession
Cleans her teeth ten times a day
Scrub away, scrub away, scrub away
The S.R. way.
113
144 • Choices
114
115
144 • Choices
116
117
144 • Choices
118
119
144 • Choices
120
121
144 • Choices
122
123
144 • Choices
124
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FIVE
WHAT WE LACK
They were wonderful promises, but it wasn’t to be. Remus would

not have the chance to make a mysterious and dignified
early exit from Hogwarts, and Sirius would not get the
opportunity to prove he would follow his Moony
anywhere.
Later - after the war was over and everything else was over too -
Remus would wonder whether things might have gone
differently if he and Sirius had left school then. Perhaps
they could have kept each other closer, or by removing
themselves they could have kept other people safer.
Anyway. It didn’t happen, and it did no good to dwell on.
For years and years afterwards, once the agony of all those
funerals and obituaries and memorials and speeches had
faded, Remus would be left with memories of his last
months at Hogwarts, when they had been stupid and
naive and indescribably happy without even knowing it.
125
145 • What We Lack
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-SIX
SUPEREGO
Oh mine eyes have seen the glory of the theories of Freud,

He has taught me all the evils that my ego must avoid.
Repression of the impulses results in paranoid
As the id goes marching on.
133
146 • Super Ego
134
135
146 • Super Ego
136
137
146 • Super Ego
138
139
146 • Super Ego
140
141
146 • Super Ego
142
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-SEVEN
NIGHT AND DAY
God save the queen.

The fascist regime.
They made you a moron;
A potential H bomb.
God save the queen.

She ain’t no human being
And there’s no future
And England’s dreaming...
143
147 • Night and Day
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-EIGHT
THE FINAL
Chapter Warning - bullying.
Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks

Aerosole the bricks
A lawless brat from a council flat, oh oh
A little bit of this, and a little bit of that, oh oh.
Dirty tricks.
From the Mile End Road
To the matchstick Becontree
Pulling strokes and taking liberties...
153
148 • The Final
154
155
148 • The Final
156
157
148 • The Final
158
159
148 • The Final
160
161
148 • The Final
162
163
148 • The Final
164
165
148 • The Final
166
167
148 • The Final
168
169
148 • The Final
170
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-NINE
LEGACY - PART ONE
And as we wind on down the road,

Our shadows taller than our souls...
171
149 • Legacy – Part One
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY
LEGACY - PART TWO
So here we are...
With freedom within our sweaty, greedy, grasps.
So remember this, boys and girls,
When your freedom comes along...
Don't
Pish
in the water supply,
Just because... school is out for the summer…
181
150 • Legacy – Part Two
182
183
184
185
186
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1978 – 1981
The War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-ONE
JULY 1978
All our times have come

Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain,
(We can be like they are)
Come on baby, (don't fear the reaper)

Baby take my hand, (don't fear the reaper)
We'll be able to fly, (don't fear the reaper)
Baby I'm your man.
195
151 • July 1978
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151 • July 1978
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199
151 • July 1978
200
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151 • July 1978
202
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151 • July 1978
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151 • July 1978
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-TWO
INFILTRATION
Chapter Warning: Big tone shift - there's a war on, after all.
Some unpleasant stuff.
Whatever happened to
All of the heroes?
All the Shakespeare-os?
They watched their Rome burn.
Whatever happened to the heroes?
Whatever happened to the heroes?
No more heroes any more
No more heroes any more
207
152 • Infiltration
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209
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-THREE
HOME FRONT
221
153 • Home Front
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223
153 • Home Front
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225
153 • Home Front
226
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153 • Home Front
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153 • Home Front
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-FOUR
AUTUMN 1978
Stop your messing around (ah-ah-ah)

Better think of your future (ah-ah-ah)
Time you straighten right out (ah-ah-ah)
Creating problems in town (ah-ah-ah)
231
154 • Autumn 1978
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154 • Autumn 1978
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154 • Autumn 1978
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154 • Autumn 1978
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154 • Autumn 1978
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154 • Autumn 1978
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-FIVE
WINTER 1978-1979
Chapter Warning – upsetting topics including the death of a family member
and a funeral.
Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
243
155 • Winter 1978-1979
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245
155 • Winter 1978-1979
246
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
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155 • Winter 1978-1979
Remus.
My condolences.
Please meet me at the Auror’s Office at 9am on Monday.
A. Moody.
262
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-SIX
AUROR HEADQUARTERS
Chapter Warning – Sexual content towards the end of this chapter.
263
156 • Auror Headquarters
264
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-SEVEN
THE PACK
Once upon a sunshine,

Before the final bell,
I told my story to big boy,
With connections straight from Hell.
His fiddle was his sweetheart,
He was her favourite beau,
And hear me saying was all he playing
Them songs from long ago.
And then I told my story to the cannibal king
He said baby, baby, shake that thing.
275
157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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157 • The Pack
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-EIGHT
CAPTIVE
Chapter Warning – unpleasant childhood flashbacks, and obviously Remus is now
in Greyback's clutches, so not a lot of fun stuff here..
As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent

You asked for the latest party.
With your silicone hump and your ten-inch stump
Dressed like a priest you was; Todd Browning freak you was.
Crawling down the alley on your hands and knees
I’m sure you’re not protected for it’s plain to see,
The diamond dogs are poachers and they hide behind trees.
Hunt you to the ground, they will,
Mannequins with kill appeal.
289
158 • Captive
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158 • Captive
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158 • Captive
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158 • Captive
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158 • Captive
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158 • Captive
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-NINE
SUBMISSION
Chapter Warning – Lots of nasty stuff in here; Remus is imprisoned and alone,
he has some very dark/depressive thoughts. Also some negative body image stuff,
bullying, abusive relationships, hallucinations, paranoia..
Oh! You silly thing

You've really gone and done it now
Oh! You silly thing
You really gone and done it now
301
159 • Submission
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159 • Submission
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159 • Submission
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159 • Submission
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159 • Submission
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY
FOOT SOLDIERS
Chapter Warning – References to sex, violence and animal death in this chapter..
I count the corpses on my left,

I find I’m not so tidy.
So I’d better get away, better make it today
I’ve cut twenty-three down since friday.
But I can’t control it.
My face is drawn, my instinct still emotes it.
311
160 • Foot Soldiers
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313
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-ONE
BLOOD MOON
Chapter Warning – wolfy gore.
325
161 • Blood Moon
326
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161 • Blood Moon
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161 • Blood Moon
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161 • Blood Moon
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161 • Blood Moon
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-TWO
MOONY'S STORY
Chapter Warning – No serious warnings, but minor character death.
335
162 • Moony’s Story
336
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-THREE
LATE SPRING 1979
Chapter Warning – There's a brief suggestion of alcohol dependency in this
chapter, as well as a mention of cancer and the death of close family members..
I would say I'm sorry

If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies
I try and laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
345
163 • Late Spring 1979
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-FOUR
SUMMER 1979
Chapter Warning – CW gory war stuff, as well as Black family trauma.
Ride the blue wind, high and free

She'll lead you down through misery
Leave you low, come time to go
Alone and low, as low can be.
359
164 • Summer 1979
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164 • Summer 1979
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164 • Summer 1979
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164 • Summer 1979
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164 • Summer 1979
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164 • Summer 1979
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-FIVE
DULCE ET DECORUM EST
Chapter Warning – Grief is a big theme in this chapter, so read with care.
371
165 • Dulce et Decorum est
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373
BLACK HEIR CONFIRMED DEAD

Regulus Arcturus Black II, only child of Orion and
Walpurga Black, has today been confirmed dead in a
statement issued from the Black family home in Islington.
Born in 1961, the heir to the Black house and fortune was
eighteen years old. He had recently completed his
education at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and
Wizardry, where he distinguished himself as an impeccable
student and gifted quidditch player.
Regulus is survived by his parents and his cousins who
will attend a private memorial service later in the week.
The family have requested privacy.
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-SIX
AUTUMN 1979
Well I take whatever I want

And baby I want you
You give me something I need
Now tell me I got something for you
Come on come on come on and do it

Come on and do what you do
I can't get enough of your love
381
166 • Autumn 1979
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166 • Autumn 1979
384
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166 • Autumn 1979
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166 • Autumn 1979
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166 • Autumn 1979
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-SEVEN
WINTER 1979
Chapter Warning –
- Homophobia/threat of homophobic abuse
- Drinking - there's been a lot of drinking in the fic so far, but in this chapter
particularly Remus begins showing signs of alcohol dependency/alcoholism. This is
deliberate, and part of his characterisation - from 1980 onwards it will only get
worse, so just a heads up..
I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight!

I’m sick and tired of taking drugs and staying up late.
I wanna confirm. I wanna conform.
I wanna be snug and I wanna be safe and I wanna be warm.
I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight,
I wanna create a place of my own in the welfare state.
I’m gonna be good; I’m gonna be kind.
It might be a wrench but think of the stench I'm leaving behind...
I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight,
Come out of the cold and do what I'm told and don't deviate.
I wanna give, I wanna give, I wanna give my consent -
391
167 • Winter 1979
I'm learning to hate all the things that were great when I used to be... bent!
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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167 • Winter 1979
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-EIGHT
SPRING & SUMMER 1980
Chapter Warning – Sad endings and happy beginnings. CW death of parents.
You know I'm born to lose,
and gambling's for fools.
But that's the way I like it baby
I don't wanna live forever
That January, just over a year after his mother’s funeral,

Remus attended another memorial service - this time for
Fleamont and Euphemia Potter.
They passed away within hours of each other in the final

bleak days of December. Their loss was felt immensely, and
not only by the members of the Order. The Potter mansion
was full for weeks with visitors, mourners and old friends, and
every one of them had a story of some kindness James’s
parents had performed.
“Euphemia always said I could ask her anything when I

saw her at St Mungo’s.” Marlene sobbed, “She was such a
brilliant healer, I wish I’d known her longer.”
“They were so kind to us after we eloped,” Andromeda

said, holding Ted’s hand and bouncing her daughter on her
hip, “Checked in on us all the time, made sure we never
struggled for anything… I just can’t believe they’re gone…”
409
168 • Spring & Summer 1980
“If our home is even half as welcoming as theirs, I’ll be

proud.” Arthur Weasley added, cleaning his glasses, which
had grown misty.
“The very best of wizard kind,” Dumbledore intoned in the

speech he gave at the service. “A beacon of understanding,
tolerance, good humour and community - all those values we
hold most dear.”
“Sort of fitting to have them go at Christmas,” one

wizened old crone said at the wake, “Always loved coming to
the Potters’ boxing day party.”
“I’ll miss Effie’s mince pies!” An old man added.
“I’ll miss Monty’s home brew!” Another cackled. A

smatter of fond laughter, followed by tender silence as
everyone recalled the Potters’ limitless hospitality.
Remus kept his own memories of the Potters to himself,

because he felt he had the least claim on them. Still, he would
never forget that it was they who had taken him in when he’d
found himself homeless at seventeen, and they who had
helped him locate his mother.
In a way it was different from the earlier deaths in the

Order, because the Potters had died at an advanced age, and
they hadn’t been murdered - so there was more room for
happy memories.
It still didn’t feel very fair. Time is meaningless, when it

comes to the people you love, Remus reflected. Eleven months
had not been enough time with Hope - and twenty years had
probably not been enough for James.
Sirius, Peter and Remus silently made the decision to pull

together for James. He had been the source of the marauders’
strength ever since they were children; had selflessly defended
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or supported each of them at one time or another, and there

was no question that they return the favour now, in his darkest
hour.
They took up the task of greeting as many of the droppers-

by as possible, and keeping them away from James, who had
quite enough to deal with. For a solid two weeks, the three of
them spent their days accepting bunches of flowers and pots of
home cooking (which was useful, because Gully the house elf
had been inconsolable, and spent his time curled up under the
aga sobbing and drinking butterbeer). Lily handled everything
financial or legal - Remus couldn’t help but admire how
quickly she took to wizard property law - while Alice and
Molly helped her manage the house and pack up the things
which needed to be packed up.
It was grimly fitting that 1980 began with death. Years

later, it would mark a turning point in the war for Remus; as if
losing the Potters had shaken the very foundations of reality.
After their funeral less and less things began to make sense.
Things he had once felt sure of became uncertain, and the -
already small - circle of people he trusted and loved began to
shrink further.
For the rest of January, Sirius and Remus passed each

other like ships in the night - one would be up late, the other
awake with the dawn for some mission or other. They were
both determined to make up the slack for James, and it kept
them busier than ever. One or both of them might sleep at the
Potters one night, or else stay with someone else in the order,
for safety's sake.
Mourning Fleamont and Euphemia on top of all that meant

that the short hours they did spend together were filled with
silence.
Sirius had cried, the day the found out. They both had, but
the pain was more raw for Sirius,
411
“It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” He repeated over and over,
eyes wild and desperate.
Remus carefully put his own grief aside in order to be the

stronger one, and found that things were easier when he
focussed his attention on helping Sirius.
It was very hard work, and for a while it seemed there

would be nothing at all to feel happy about again. Their only
piece of good news came completely out of the blue (as good
news generally does) one Sunday in early February.
Sirius was out with James - not on a mission, for once. As

boys, James and Sirius had crawled into each others beds
whenever one of them was unhappy. As men, they spent long
afternoons rocketing around the countryside on Sirius’s
motorbike. Remus was not jealous - if anything it was a relief
that he didn’t have to go.
He was spending the afternoon studying counter curses,

which at least made him feel like he was doing something
useful. He’d just decided to have a quick break and make
himself a pot of tea when an owl pecked on the kitchen
window. It bore a note from Lily; ‘ Can you pop over before
five? I’ll cook dinner. ’ And of course he got ready to leave at
once. It was a good thing too - his own supper plans were
beans on toast, which he’d already had three times that week.
It was very cold still, the frost hung around for weeks that
February, and spring took a lifetime to arrive. Remus was
grateful to be able to simply step through the fireplace in their
flat and instantly appear in the Potters’ living room without
having to go outside. He hoped Sirius was wrapped up
properly; wind chill was no joke at the speeds he drove.
“I’m here!” Remus called, brushing soot and floo power

off his shabby robes.
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Hieronymus the cat mewed angrily at him - he had

disturbed the warm spot on the rug.
“Kitchen!” Lily called back.
Remus wandered through. The house felt empty, and had

for weeks now, but the kitchen was as warm and comforting
as it had ever been. Lily was sitting at the broad oak table,
pouring over a recipe book, her wand holding her hair up in a
messy bun. There was a self stirring pot on the stovetop, and
something delicious smelling in the oven.
“Hello gorgeous,” she grinned, looking up at him.
“Hiya,” he waved, “Can I help with anything?”
“Knives and forks would be great,” she nodded at the

dresser against the wall. “We’ll eat in here, I think, it’s
cosier.”
“Just the two of us?” He asked, going to pull out the

cutlery.
“Five,” she shook her head, “Peter’s due in a minute, and

the boys shouldn’t be too much longer… well, depending on
Sirius.”
“Eh?” Remus frowned, the note hadn’t mentioned Sirius.

Lily was blushing.
“Er… so I asked you here because I have something to tell

you…”
Remus’s hands began to shake, and he dropped the

butterknife he’d been holding. No news was ever good, these
days, and he’d developed a bit of a paranoia around
announcements.
413
“It’s good!” Lily said, quickly, seeing the look on his face,
“I promise! It’s just that, er… we thought it might be best,
James thought it might be best, if he told Sirius on his own,
you know, one on one… after what happened last time…”
“Last time?” Remus frowned. They couldn’t be getting

married again, surely. “You’re not splitting up?!”
“Remus, I said a good thing!” Lily laughed, lightly.

“Honestly, you always think the worst…”
She stood up, clearing her books from the table. Remus
took a good look at her. She was a bit thicker around the hips -
not that he’d ever say such a thing to one of his oldest and best
friends. And anyway, it suited her, she was still uncommonly
pretty, in his opinion. But she smelled slightly different, too.
He blinked, and shook his head, slamming the cutlery

drawer shut so hard it rattled, and Lily jumped.
“You’re pregnant!”
She blushed harder, and nodded, face stretched into the

broadest smile Remus had seen on anyone in months. Lost for
words, he hurried around the table to hug her, “Amazing!” He
choked, suddenly very emotional, “Brilliant! Oh my god,
Lily!”
“I know!” She squealed, “Due in July! You’ve no idea

how hard it’s been to stay quiet!”
Remus stepped back to give her room, and wiped his eyes.
“Not because of Sirius?”
“Not just that…” she conceded, “We wanted a proper

mourning period… Euphemia and Fleamont knew, of course.
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It was heartbreaking telling them. But I have to admit, I am

slightly concerned about how Sirius will take it…”
“If he says anything other than congratulations I’ll box his

ears!” Remus said, fiercely. Lily laughed,
“You’ll have to get in the queue behind me and James.”
Remus laughed, still wiping his eyes, and went to lay the
table. No sooner had he set down the last plate, than a
rumbling roar could be heard in the distance, getting closer.
Lily looked up at him and bit her lip. He just smiled at her,
“It’ll be fine.”
Sirius had been parking his bike on the back patio. Remus
often wondered what Euphemia might make of that - but of
course she could never refuse her blue eyed boy anything, and
would have forgiven the muddy tire marks in her lawn with
motherly indulgence.
The patio doors rattled open, and Sirius strode in, hair still
windswept from flying, nose and cheeks pink from the cold.
He was smiling, smiling so wide that Remus’s heart skipped a
beat, and he felt that old schoolboy crush resurface in him.
“Mrs Prongs!” Sirius went straight for Lily, arms wide,

and enveloped her, kissing the top of her head, “Bloody
brilliant!”
Remus sighed with relief, and went to shake hands with

James, who’d come in behind Sirius, hair and scarf flying,
wind-burned face glowing like a beacon of joy.
“A kid!” Was all Remus could think to say, “You’re

having a fucking kid!”
James laughed, gripping his hand,

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“Too bloody right, Moony.”
“Sit down!” Sirius pulled out a chair for Lily, ushering her
into it, “Merlin, Moony, what sort of gentleman are you,
letting Lily do all the work in her condition?!”
“Oi,” Remus scowled, “I laid the table...”
“Honestly, I’m fine,” Lily giggled, “But if you boys want

to serve dinner, be my guest. Lamb’s in the oven, James, it
should be done by now.”
So the three of them bustled around the kitchen, making

quite a bit more noise and mess than was probably necessary.
Sirius began whistling ‘Kooks’, James cracked out a bottle of
champagne to toast (with butterbeer for Lily) and Remus just
grinned until his cheeks hurt, watching his friends be happy
together.
Then Peter arrived, and it began all over again, their

happiness multiplying as they sat down to a perfect family
dinner. It was just what everyone needed.
“How did it even happen?!” Peter exclaimed, mopping up

gravy with his last yorkshire pudding.
“Well, Wormtail,” Sirius smirked, “When a witch and a

wizard love eachother very much…”
“Shuddup,” Peter laughed, kicking him under the table,

“You know what I meant…”
“It just happened,” James shrugged, “We might have got a

little bit careless around Halloween…”
“James!” Lily slapped his arm lightly with the back of her
hand, “No need for detail, I‘m sure Moony doesn’t want to
hear all that.”
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“Why me?” Remus furrowed his brow,
“Oh well… you know, I just know you prefer to be

discreet about… um…” Lily fumbled for words. Remus
folded his arms, staring at them all with mock-indignation.
“You all think I’m a prude!”
They all burst out laughing, and Sirius patted him on the
shoulder affectionately,
“Don’t worry, Moony - they just don’t know you like I

know you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean--” Peter started, but Remus

- seeing where the conversation was heading - quickly
intervened,
“Have you got any ideas for a name, yet?”
“No, not really,” Lily said, still chuckling, “A family name

would be nice, but--”
“Whatever you do,” Sirius said, “Call the poor kid

something normal . No constellations, for godric’s sake.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Remus raised his glass sand drained it.
It was his third, but he didn’t think anyone had noticed, and
besides, they were celebrating.
“When will you know what it is?” Peter asked
“We’re not calling it Peter,” James teased him.
“Bagsy godfather!” Sirius shouted.
“You can’t bagsy godfather!” Peter said, outraged,
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“Just did,” Sirius poked his tongue out.
***
And so, as per usual, it was James and Lily who managed to
bring everyone out of that gloomy winter slog, just in time for
spring. The marauders and their friends faced the rest of their
year with fresh eyes and renewed purpose. Because fighting a
war was one thing - but fighting for the Potters’ future child
made every challenge seem more worthwhile.
What was more, they weren’t the only ones celebrating

good news. Arthur and Molly welcomed yet another red
haired son that March, and Alice announced that she and
Frank were also expecting in the summer.
“Imagine that!” Mary said, clearing away tea cups and

mugs of coffee left behind from an Order meeting, “Their kids
are all going to grow up together, and go to Hogwarts
together… it’s sort of nice, isn’t it?”
Remus nodded in agreement. He would have given

anything to be raised by any one of these people; to have a
childhood surrounded by magic and love and laughter.
He had never given much thought to children before - his

own childhood had been such a disaster he didn’t think he was
fit to be a parent. But watching James and Lily do it; that
actually sounded pretty nice.
Of course, Remus’s enthusiasm for ‘Baby Prongs’ paled in

comparison to Sirius’s overwhelming excitement.
“It’s going to be so much fun, Moony!” he babbled,

coming in one May afternoon from another spur of the
moment shopping trip, “Imagine them all on brooms! The
Order of the Phoenix Quidditch team!”
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“Er… how old do you need to be to ride a broom?” Remus

asked, eyeing his packages nervously. None of them looked
broom-shaped, but you never knew with Sirius.
“These are mostly books and clothes,” Sirius reassured

him, laughing lightly, “And some toys, just little things…”
“This kid is going to be so spoilt…” Remus tutted.
“Good,” Sirius poked his tongue out. “Doesn’t do anyone

any good to be brought up joyless, does it, Moony?” He raised
an eyebrow and Remus ducked his head, ashamed, and he
never chastised Sirius about it again.
***
In June, after the full moon, Remus was invited for another
meeting with Moody and Ferox. A year older and wiser, he
requested not to meet them at the Auror’s office this time.
They agreed - they didn’t have much choice. Remus had
grown very flippant about his role as unofficial werewolf
liaison officer, and it probably showed. At least Moody didn’t
boss him around much any more.
They met in a small working man’s pub just outside of

Derby. Remus arrived first and got himself a pint, then sat
down with a newspaper he’d picked up at the train station. He
took out the page with the crossword on it and folded it up
neatly into his breast pocket. Sirius liked doing crosswords.
He chose a seat in the back on the pub, because it was

quiet, but also because the seat was a high backed wooden
pew, which was good for his back. He was hurting after the
last moon, still, and tried to sit straight.
Ferox got there a few minutes later.
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“Alright there, our Kev?” He nodded, sitting down on the

three legged stool opposite Remus.
They had all received instructions to start using fake

names when out on Order business, in case anyone listened in.
Remus wasn’t overly fond of ‘Kevin’, but he had to admit it
was probably better than his own ridiculous name. When the
marauders first heard about the codenames they’d wanted to
use Paul, John, George and Ringo, but Moody told them it was
too obvious.
“Hello, Norman.” Remus nodded at Ferox.
“Mr Thompson won’t be long.”
“Good. Get you a drink?”
“Nah, on duty.”
Remus shrugged and took a glug of his own beer. Ferox

watched him with a level expression. “So,” his old teacher
asked, “How’s tricks?”
“Oh, you know,” Remus shrugged again, “We’re all just

doing what we can.”
“Hear you’ve been busy - got a knack for security, eh?”
“Yeah, I’ve been helping out Alice--er… Steffi. Sorry.”
Ferox laughed gruffly at Remus’s blunder,
“Don’t worry about it. It’s all bollocks anyway. Still,

security’s a good talent to have , eh? Something you might
fancy doing for the ministry, maybe? After all this is over?”
“Security alarms?” Remus frowned. He hadn’t really

thought about it before. “I dunno, it’s not really… I mean, I
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want to help people, obviously, but I’m not sure if… people
don’t want someone like me in their homes.”
“Chin up, lad,” Ferox said, kindly, “It’s not all doom and
gloom.”
Remus drank again. He was nearly finished, and wondered

if he would have time for a second pint. Probably not. Not
very professional. Though, it was technically medicinal - his
back really hurt.
Moody - ‘Mr Thompson’ - arrived a few moments later.

He was looking more haggard than ever. The war seemed to
affect him physically - he had accumulated more scars than
anyone Remus knew (except himself, maybe). In return, he
had lost more body parts - if Moody wasn’t more careful,
Remus thought, he’d end up like old professor Kettleburn.
“Kevin, Norman,” Moody nodded at them both.
He was wearing muggle clothes - or at least his

approximation of them. A gaudy hawaiian shirt paired with
ancient looking mustard yellow bell-bottoms. Remus had to
concentrate to keep a straight face.
“I’ll get straight to business,” he said, taking the third stool

around the table. “He’s been seen again. Our mutual
acquaintance.”
That meant Greyback. Remus swallowed, nodding,
“Where?”
“Outside of Dublin. We reckon he’s been keeping a low

profile; licking his wounds, but he’s still in you-know-who’s
pay.”
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Remus nodded again. He’d known Greyback wouldn’t be

vanquished so easily; he’d always known they would meet
again, eventually.
“The good news is,” Ferox said, learning in, “He hasn’t
been recruiting - all sources seem to say that most of his pack
have left him.”
“Sources?” Remus looked at him, sharply.
“Well,” Ferox grinned, “I took a little trip to the emerald

isle last week.”
“You what?!” Remus was shaken by this news. “You

could have been killed!”
“Calm down, lad,” Moody said, laying his palm on the

table. “Norman here’s been on this case since you were a
nipper. He knows what he’s doing.”
“Ah, he’s just worried, eh Kev?” Ferox nudged him.
Remus didn’t respond. How could he tell these two men -

who were older, more experienced, wiser, and probably more
powerful than him - that they were being idiots? It was
completely ridiculous that even fifteen years after Lyall
Lupin’s death the ministry continued to underestimate
Greyback. Refused to learn anything from their mistakes.
“You should have told me.” He said, finally. “I could have

helped. Advised you, at least.”
“I didn’t go alone, don’t worry,” Ferox smiled, “I took

young Daniel with me - I mean, er… no, bugger, I’ve
forgotten it…”
“Danny?!” Remus balked, even more alarmed, “But…”
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“It was nothing personal,” Moody said, “You know more

about them than anyone, but after last year, you’re just too
close, too recogniseable to the pack. We couldn’t risk it.”
“I wish you’d told me.” Remus repeated, though he knew

it was getting him nowhere.
“We’re telling you now.”
Remus pursed his lips. Danny McKinnon! Greyback must

be laughing at them; they just had no idea.
“So, what, then?” He asked, knowing he was visibly

irritated now. “What do you need from me?”
“Well, we know he’s on the move. He left Dublin after the

last full moon, without a trace. Him and a young female.”
“Livia,” Remus said.
“You know who she is?”
“It’s most likely her,” Remus nodded, “She’s his most

loyal supporter, she’ll never leave him.”
“Could you give us a description? Daniel caught a scent,

but we didn’t get eyes on her.” Ferox said, eagerly.
Remus nodded.
“Ok. But you need to tell me, next time--”
“Fine, fine,” Moody shook his head impatiently, “We’ll

keep you in the loop, where possible and within reason . Now,
what can you tell us about this Livia bitch?”
Remus told them as much as he knew. He felt he was re-

treading old territory, but no one ever listened to him anyway.
423
He explained what Livia looked like - that was easy enough,

she was hardly an ordinary looking witch.
“We’ll get them lad, don’t you worry,” Ferox said as he

shook Remus’s hand before leaving. He had completely
missed the point.
They hadn’t tracked down Castor’s pack - if they were still

a pack. Moody thought they’d left the country, and Remus
hoped so. He hoped no one ever found them again. By the
time they were all ready to go, Remus needed a shot, never
mind another pint - his back was twinging with every step,
threatening a full on spasm. And he was in a seriously bad
mood.
He apparated back to London, and pushed his front door

open so hard the knob banged against the plasterboard.
“Fucking hell!” Sirius jumped out of his seat on the couch.
Remus blinked at him, embarrassed.
“Sorry. Didn’t know you were in.”
“What happened?”
“Bloody Moody! Bloody Ferox !” Remus winced as he

pulled off his jacket.
“Does your back still hurt?” Sirius cocked his head,

sympathetically. “Come here.” He shuffled back on the couch,
pulling his knees up so that Remus could sit in front of him.
Remus did, and closed his eyes, sighing gratefully as

Sirius began to rub his shoulders firmly, wringing the pain out
with his clever fingers.
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“What happened?” He asked, “They’re not… you don’t

have to go again, do you?”
“No,” Remus said, “No, just… I dunno, do you ever feel

like everyone thinks you’re just some idiotic kid who doesn’t
know anything?”
“No one thinks that.” Sirius soothed.
“I know you lot don’t, but… ugh. They just don’t listen to
me. I know more about the werewolves than anyone in the
Order. I’m Greyback’s prodigal son, for god’s sake!”
“Don’t say that.” Sirius suddenly wrapped his arms around

Remus’s waist, pulling him close and tight, as if he was about
to bolt. “If Moody and Ferox keep you away from that
monster then good.”
Remus leaned into Sirius, and didn’t say any more.
***
Will you stay in our lovers’ story?
If you stay, you won’t be sorry,
‘cuz we believe in you.
Soon you’ll grow, so take a chance
On a couple of kooks, hung up on romancing.
31st July 1980
“Remus, wake up!” Sirius shook him hard.
“Piss off.” Remus grunted, covering his head with the

duvet, “S’the middle of the night.”
425
“Who cares?! Come on, it’s time! Baby Prongs is on his

way - or her way… their way!”
“What?!” Remus sat bolt upright in bed, “Fuck!”
“That’s the spirit!” Sirius cheered, “Get dressed!”
Remus scrambled out of bed, and got dressed so fast he

tripped over his trouser legs twice, banging his head on the
dresser.
“Ow.” He grumbled, rubbing his forehead as he joined

Sirius in the living room.
“Silly sod,” Sirius said fondly, “Lucky Marlene’ll be there,

eh?”
“I have a feeling she’ll be busy…”
Sirius walked into the fireplace, grabbing some floo

powder. Just as he was about to throw it down, he gave Remus
a funny look, cocking his head, “Moony, your shirt’s on inside
out. Potter Manor. ”
And with a blaze of green flame, he was gone. Remus

looked down at his shirt. The buttons were on the inside.
Damn. Ah well, he was too sleepy, and too jittery to sort it out
now. He took a handful of floo powder and walked into the
fireplace next.
He stepped out into the Potters’ living room, which

currently resembled a train station waiting room. Gully came
scuttling through, arms piled high with blankets, and Mary,
Peter, Sirius and Arthur Weasley were standing about, talking.
“Remus!” Mary gave him a quick hug. “Your shirt’s inside

out,” she said, smoothing a hand over his chest.
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“Any news?” He asked.
“James sent a patronus for Marlene about two hours ago -

she was staying at mine to be closer to St Mungo’s, so I came
too. They’ve been upstairs ever since, I asked if there was
anything I could do, but you know what Marls is like when
she’s got a job to do…”
“James is up there too?” Remus glanced at the ceiling

nervously. He’d never say so, but he had an absolute horror of
childbirth. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure what it
involved, other than a lot of screaming and probably blood
too.
“D’you think they need anything?” Sirius said, wandering

towards the stairs.
“Ms McKinnon will have it all under control,” Arthur said,

cheerfully, “James won’t be doing anything more useful than
holding Lily’s hand, I promise you. Sit down lads, I’m afraid
we’re all in for a very long wait.”
They all did, quietly. There was a funny atmosphere - no

one except Arthur had ever experienced this sort of worry
before, and Remus was very glad he was there. Mary got up
and drew the curtains back. It was the peak of summer, and
the sun was already full in the sky, birds singing and the
muggle milkman whistling as he made his rounds.
“Tea, anyone?” Remus said, feeling the need to do

something useful. He eyed Peter, who was leaning on his
elbow, head nodding, “Or coffee maybe?”
“Good man, Moony,” Sirius nodded, “I’ll help.”
In the kitchen, they found that Gully had already laid out
the things for tea, and set some water to boil in the big copper
kettle on the hob, so Remus and Sirius only needed to bother
427
with the coffee. They did this quietly, though Remus caught
Sirius’s eye once or twice and couldn't help but smile at the
boyish excitement he saw there.
Just as they were about to bring the trays through to the

living room, a door upstairs slammed open, and footsteps
could be heard on the landing.
“Padfoot?!” James’s voice.
“Prongs?!” Siris ran through to the hallway, leaning over

the stair bannister and staring upwards. Remus hurried to join
him, and Peter was not far behind.
James peered down at them, red faced, misty eyes and

beaming.
“It’s a boy!”
Harry. That was the name they’d decided on, according to

Marlene, who came down to gratefully accept a cup of tea and
sank slowly into the couch. She had dark rings under her eyes,
but smiled at everybody anyway.
“Lightning fast delivery,” she murmured, sipping the

milky brew slowly, “Twenty minutes active labour!”
“Maybe he’ll be a chaser, like James!” Peter said, eagerly.
“Is Lily ok?” Mary asked.
Marlene nodded, “Of course she is. Nothing stops Evans.”
“I’ll be off, then,” Arthur said, standing up and fastening

his threadbare cloak, “I’ve been away from Molly and the
boys too long already - I’ll let Dumbledore know the good
news, of course.”
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They all said goodbye. Once he’d gone, Sirius went to the
stairs again to look up.
“Sirius, love,” Marlene called sharply, “Give them a bit of

time alone, eh? Family time.”
“Oh, ok.” He nodded, turning back to the room and

leaning in the door frame. He stared into space for a while,
and for once Remus couldn’t guess what he was thinking.
Sirius shook his head slowly, and said, “Harry Potter,” very
low.
“It’s a nice name, I think.” Mary said, brightly. She

glanced at Marlene and stifled a giggle, “Better than Neville,
eh?”
Marlene giggled too, guiltily, “Oh, don’t, I could barely

keep a straight face when Frank told me.”
Remus got up and went to stand with Sirius. He threaded

their fingers together.
“You’re a godfather,” he whispered. Sirius turned his head

towards Remus, smiling,
“Yeah,” he nodded, “... blimey, I really hope I don’t balls

it up.”
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SIXTY-NINE
AUTUMN & WINTER 1980
Chapter Warning – Warnings for gore/violence and minor character death.
You done too much, much too young
You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me
You done too much, much too young
Now you're married with a son when you should be having fun with me
Don't wanna be rich, don't wanna be famous
Ain't he cute? No he ain't.
He's just another burden on the welfare state.
Wednesday 3rd September 1980
Whooosh - splash.
Remus landed on his feet - just about - right in a muddy

puddle in the middle of the high street.
“Bugger.” He muttered, yanking his cloak up out of the

way - his boots were beyond saving, socks already soaked
through. He hadn’t realised the holes were that bad, it was
definitely time for a new pair, he’d need to check his savings.
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169 • Autumn & Winter 1980
It looked like it might rain later, too. Bloody perfect .
Remus was in a very bad mood, and wet feet were the least
of it. Still, he was in Hogsmeade for a reason, and he knew he
just had to pull his (metaphorical) socks up and get on with it.
He wished he wasn’t alone, but even if someone had been
available to come with him (James had the baby, Lily and
Sirius were in Broadstairs on reconnaissance, Marlene, Peter
and Mary were all working), he’d been told to come alone. As
usual.
He trudged towards the Three Broomsticks, thinking at

least there would be a nice warm fire and maybe a nip of
whisky waiting for him. He’d need it. Whenever he was
summoned to meet someone alone, it was usually werewolf
business, and that always required a stiff drink. He hoped it
was news of Greyback rather than Castor.
It began to spit rain as he came within sight of the pub, and

he jogged a bit to save the rest of his clothes from damp. It
was a quiet afternoon in the little scottish village - the students
of Hogwarts would be in their lessons, the wizards who lived
in town would be at their occupations. And very few people
left the house these days, if they didn’t have to.
The pub was nice and empty. Remus felt a stab of

nostalgia as he entered, remembering how only two short
years ago he and his friends had all sat in one of the booths,
bright-eyed and naive, looking forward to their futures. Who
could have known that saving the world would be such a grey,
monotonous slog?
“Remus Lupin, as I live and breathe!” Rosmerta chirped

from the bar, one hand on her round hip, bosom overflowing
as usual. She glanced hopefully over his shoulder, “Black not
joining you?”
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Remus shook his head, and went to take a seat near the
hearth, so he could at least try to dry out his shoes.
“Not today, Rosmerta,” he said, trying to affect good

cheer, “Could I get a glass of--”
“Two glasses -- of butterbeer, please,” a familiar voice

intoned. Remus whipped around, finding himself face to face
with Dumbledore.
“Oh, h-hello, professor.” Remus said, embarrassed.
“Remus,” Dumbledore nodded politely. He never called

him ‘Mr Lupin’, not since Remus had asked him not to, years
ago. “Please, be seated,” he gestured grandly, like a vicar
about to give a sermon.
Remus sat. Dumbledore always made him feel eleven

years old.
“How have you been?” His old headmaster asked, kindly,

gracefully taking the armchair opposite. He set down a heavy
looking leather briefcase on the rug between them. Remus
eyed it warily, but answered,
“Well, thanks. You know.”
“These are difficult times.” Dumbledore said, and Remus

didn’t respond to that, because he wasn’t sure he was
supposed to.
Rosmerta bustled over with the butterbeers, setting them

down on the little round side table. When she’d left, Remus
lifted his tankard and drank, just for a distraction. He could
pretend it was alcohol, maybe that would help steady him. He
desperately wanted a cigarette, but for some reason that felt
wrong in front of Dumbledore. So he just sipped the
433
butterbeer, feeling the cloying syrupy mixture rest on his

tongue, slide down his throat.
“You must be wondering why I asked you here,”

Dumbledore said, watching him.
“Is it… is it… Greyback?” Remus whispered. Dumbledore

smiled,
“You needn’t worry about eavesdroppers, Remus, we are

quite safe to speak freely here. No, alas, there have been no
further reports of Greyback or the young lady he is travelling
with.”
“Oh.” Remus blinked. Well then what?
“This is rather a more pressing matter - or at least, it will

be, if I am correct.”
“Right…” Remus shifted uncomfortably. He was not

usually the go-to agent when it came to ‘pressing matters’.
Dumbledore seemed to read his mind.
“I am in need of someone with a keen eye for detail, and a

good deal of patience.” He leaned forward and opened the
briefcase a crack. Remus peered inside.
“Books!” He said, surprised. There must be a hundred of

them inside - some sort of extension charm perhaps.
“Indeed,” Dumbledore smiled, closing the briefcase again.
“So… you need some research done?”
“I do indeed. Tell me, Remus, how much do you know

about prophecy?”
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“Er… well I never took Divination,” he scratched his head.

He was intrigued now, “But obviously it comes up a bit in
Runes… I’ve read a bit.”
“You will need to read a lot more,” Dumbledore said,

gravely, “And I must impress upon you both the importance of
this task, and the sensitivity. Anything you learn must be kept
entirely confidential, do you understand?”
“I… of course,” Remus nodded, slightly alarmed. “But

what do you want me to look for?”
“For now, we are simply seeking a fuller understanding of

the nature of prophecy. Many of these books contain secret
transcripts - some of which may need translating - of known
prophetic and oracular statements. I should like to know if
there are any which appear to relate to Voldemort, or to this
particular moment in history.”
“So… you think someone might have already made a

prophecy? About how the war ends?”
“They may have.” The professor replied, shortly. “But we

cannot afford to make any rash decisions. While there is still
time, I would like to know as much as we can.”
Dumbledore switched between ‘I’ and ‘we’ regularly,

when he spoke about the war, Remus noticed. Still, he thought
he pretty much understood,
“Ok.” He said, “How shall I let you know, if I find

anything?”
“I shall come to you.” Dumbledore replied, cryptically.

“Once again, Remus, I cannot overstate the importance of this
task. You must tell nobody, understood?”
“Understood.”
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That meant not telling Sirius, or James, or any one of his

friends. Sometimes Remus wondered if secrets were simply
his lot in life. He thought for a moment, “Professor?”
“Yes?”
“Should I keep an eye out for prophecies that have been

prevented - or--” he re-phrased, because he knew that was
impossible, “Circumvented? I mean, I don’t know loads about
it, but there are always loopholes, aren’t there?”
Dumbledore’s eyes glittered, and a small smile played on

his lips.
“Very good, Remus.”
***
Friday 24th October 1980
And that was how Remus spent much of his autumn. He

studied well into October. It wasn’t bad at all - actually, he
enjoyed it. He’d always liked research, and though he missed
the peaceful airy chambers of Hogwarts’ library, he was pretty
content squirrelled away in the little London flat, with endless
pots of tea and a quietly smoking ashtray on hand.
If Sirius came in, he would cast obfuscate over his books

and notes, and Sirius seemed happy with this arrangement. He
understood what needed to be done in the service of the war.
Anyway, they were barely at the flat - Remus only used it

to work in. They spent much more of their time at the Potters’
mansion, where James’s old bedroom had been turned into a
nursery, but Sirius’s old bedroom was the same as ever, only
with half of Remus’s things in it too. Together, the marauders
and Lily had grown into a funny little family, with baby Harry
at the centre.
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It took Remus a month or so to really get over his fear of

infants - and it still made him a bit anxious to actually hold
Harry - but Sirius had been a huge help.
Sirius was utterly besotted with his godson. The child was
barely ever out of his arms when they were visiting (a relief
for Lily and James, who were only just bearing up under the
pressure of parenthood combined with their duties for the
Order).
“Say Padfoot, Harry, go on! Pah-d-foo-t…” Sirius cooed

one evening, as he bounced the tiny little green-eyed creature
on his lap.
“They don’t talk until they’re at least one,” Remus

smirked, sitting gingerly on the arm of the couch, “I looked it
up.”
“ Normal kids don’t,” Sirius tossed his hair back, gently

holding Harry’s chubby little wrists, “But Harry Potter is no
ordinary baby, he’s clearly very advanced for his age. Come
on, Harry, say Pad-foot …””
“Don’t get your hopes up,” Lily laughed, “James’s mum

told me he didn’t speak until eighteen months.”
“Oi,” James yelled from his father’s study, “I was an

extremely thoughtful child, that’s all.”
“Oh yeah, what changed?” Sirius yelled back, grinning.
“You’re hogging him, Padfoot!” Peter whined, reaching

his arms out, “Come on, I haven’t had a cuddle yet,”
“Not my fault he likes me best,” Sirius replied, poking his

tongue out at Peter, and then at Harry, puffing out his cheeks
and bulging his eyes so that the baby giggled and burbled
contentedly.
437
“I’ll give you a cuddle, Pete,” Remus teased.
“Lily, tell him!” Peter tutted, folding his arms crossly.
“Honestly! I’ve got one son and that’s plenty,” Lily

laughed, getting up, “No fighting while mummy and daddy are
out, ok boys?” She gave them all a very stern look.
“You’ve been spending too much time with Molly.” Sirius

said.
“Right, I’m ready,” James came back through to the living

room in his travelling cloak. Lily already had hers on. She
gave him a stoic smile,
“Let’s go then.”
A cold silence entered the room, and Remus looked at the

floor, because he couldn’t bring himself to look at any of his
friends, and especially not the baby.
Lily broke it,
“Oh, stop being so melodramatic, you lot. It’s a standard

mission, we’ve done a hundred of these.” She went over to
Sirius and bent to kiss Harry’s head - already sprouting a
thatch of fine black hair. “Bye bye Harry, mummy and daddy
love you so much. We’ll see you soon.”
James didn’t say goodbye - he had a wooden, muted

expression that Remus had been seeing more and more of
since his parents’ funeral.
“Are you sure you can’t tell us where--” Pete started.
“Sorry Wormy,” James held his hands up, “Moody’s

orders. You know how it is.”
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Peter nodded, shoulders slumping. Remus knew how he

felt - it was difficult enough knowing that your friends were
walking into danger. It was even harder not knowing exactly
what they would be facing - as though they were disappearing
out of reach.
“Come on,” Lily hurried her husband, pulling him from

the room, “Back before morning, we hope!” She called from
the hallway. And then the door slammed, and Harry burst into
tears.
“Oh bugger,” Sirius said, over the screams, “Er… have

him now if you like, Pete?”
***
It took hours to finally calm Harry down. He bawled as if his

heart was broken, and wouldn’t settle until it was nearly
midnight.
“Definitely couldn’t do this full time,” Sirius said, head in

his hands as he slumped on the floor of the nursery.
“Jesus, I swear the kid’s possessed.” Remus whispered,

rubbing his temples. He had a splitting headache.
“Shit, you should go to bed,” Sirius said, looking up at

him. His usually immaculate silky black hair was in knots, and
there was definitely still some milky baby sick stuck in there.
Without a trace of irony, he frowned at Remus, “You must be
exhausted,”
“Oh, I’m fine,” Remus shrugged - he tried not to wince as

he felt every tendon in his back tug. Yesterday had been a full
moon. “Actually I wasn’t going to stay… you know, I’ve got
that work to do.”
439
“Oh, that.” Sirius nodded. His mouth was a straight line.

He climbed to his feet, glancing at the red and gold cot one
last time. Harry was sleeping, thank god. They both padded
quietly out of the room, leaving it open just a crack.
On the landing, where the lights were still on, Sirius

looked even worse - he had rings under his eyes, which were
bloodshot. Remus touch his arm gently,
“ You ought to go to bed.”
Sirius grabbed his arm, suddenly, eyes widening,
“Moony, don’t go.”
“Eh? I’m only going to the flat…”
“Please?” Sirius clutched at him, half mad with tiredness,

“Just take the night off, just stay here with me?”
“Pete’s here…” Remus turned his head slightly. He could

hear Peter snoring in the couch downstairs. Not much comfort,
he supposed,
“But I want you,” Sirius said, desperately.
That struck Remus in an unusual way. To anyone else, it

might have sounded whinging; childish. After all, Sirius was a
grown man, and Remus had important work to do. But
somehow it dislodged a feeling Remus hadn’t had for Sirius in
a long time - a desire to protect him. To hold him close and
tell him everything was going to be ok, and to be strong and
reliable for the man he loved.
Amazed by this revelation, Remus did exactly that,

hugging Sirius tightly and kissing his filthy hair,
“Ok then,” he whispered, “I’ll stay.”

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After all, he thought, as Sirius trailed off to have a shower,

relief evident in his posture; wouldn’t Sirius do the same for
him?
***
Friday 21st November 1980
That time, Lily and James came back, as always; tired, a

little harder, a little less bright, but otherwise perfectly ok.
Remus always felt enormous relief when any of his friends
returned safely, and each time swore to himself he would not
take it for granted. But what does that mean, when you are
young?
There had been deaths - deaths in the Order, deaths of

people he knew - but no one really close. No one he truly
loved. The Prewetts he had been fond of. Benjy Fenwick he
had chatted to once or twice. But they weren’t close, and their
losses didn’t affect him severely. Compared to others, Remus
had been extremely lucky.
Of course, you never feel lucky, at the time. Good fortune

is too often something that can only be recognised with
hindsight.
Sirius turned twenty one in November. They didn’t have a

party, but Hagrid baked a rather wonky - though very large
and very delicious - cake, which they all ate at the Order safe
house after the regular meeting. Someone took a few photos,
but Remus forgot to try and track them down.
“It’s a big deal for muggles, twenty-one.” He commented

as they climbed into bed that evening. “That’s when they
come of age.”
“Why? Muggles can’t do magic.” Sirius frowned,

yawning.
441
“No, I know, it’s just an old fashioned thing,” Remus tried

to explain. “You get the key to your front door or something
like that.”
“Daft muggles.” Sirius grumbled, his eyes already closing.

“I feel old.”
“Well, you’re not,” Remus settled down beside him, “I’m

the one going grey. Twenty-one is young. Really really
young.”
Sirius sighed wearily.
“Doesn’t feel it.”
Remus knew exactly what he meant, but he didn’t like it.

They were all of them caught in a confusing place between
adolescence and adulthood - baby Harry had only exacerbated
that. There was a sense of time running out; of needing to
accomplish as much as possible as fast as possible. Peter’s
crawling at his ministry job, always angling for a better
position; James and Lily playing house and soldiers at the
same time - Remus and his stupid drinking.
At least he had the research to do. That seemed to be going

well - every now and then Dumbledore dropped by to see how
he was getting on. And Remus would offload as much
information as he could - with detail, because he knew
Dumbledore liked detail. The old man would nod sagely,
stroke his beard and sit quietly, ruminating. If he came to any
conclusions, he didn’t tell Remus.
It felt good, though. Remus even felt himself warming to

Dumbledore for the first time. He liked being useful. And
then, just before the November full moon, Remus got his
chance to be really useful.
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As usual, there was a message from Moody. He was to

apparate to some very specific coordinates on Friday 21st
November, and meet Ferox there.
“Tell him no,” Sirius said, annoyed, “Bloody Moody, he

knows that’s the night before the full moon! You shouldn’t be
out running his errands when you’re not well.”
“Jesus, you make me sound like an invalid,” Remus rolled

his eyes. “I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. I’ll be fine,
don’t worry.”
“Send a patronus, if anything happens?” Sirius asked,

solemnly. “I don’t care about protocol, just say you’ll let me
know?”
“It will be fine .” Remus repeated.
He really did feel fine about it all. When the moon was
waxing he often felt stronger than usual, and usually didn’t get
bouts of nausea until a few hours before sunset.
It was good to get out of London; away from traffic and

noise and crowds. It was good to get away from the Potters’ -
from nappies and baby talk and crying and creamed spinach.
At the agreed time, Remus apparated following the
instructions he’d been given, and found himself on a windy
clifftop, somewhere very cold and bleak.
The sea crashed and raged miles below, and the long grass
whipped around his ankles. Remus breathed in, deeply,
inhaling the salt, the soil, the sharp cold scent of the clouds.
The wolf inside licked its lips, ears pricking to attention. Yes.
Greyback had been here.
“Hello!” Ferox was a way off in the distance, a stick figure

man waving at him. Remus raised a palm in greeting, bent
forward into the wind and trudged to meet him.
443
“Hi,” he said, breathless as he approached, cold hands

deep in his pockets, nose frozen. “Where are we?”
“Galloway,” Ferox said, cheerfully. He had a thick leather

cloak on, with a hood, but his face was still ruddy from the
harsh weather, and white fog blew from his lips as he spoke.
“Pretty, eh?”
Remus wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or not, so he

just gave a neutral smile. Privately he thought that yes, the
landscape was beautiful, if forbidding.
“Greyback’s been here.” He said, wanting to get down to

it.
“You know for sure?”
“One hundred percent.” Remus nodded. Ferox nodded

too,
“Excellent, we were right, then. There was a report to the

muggle police about a couple of tramps, man and a woman,
looking shifty. Reckon they’ve been here, then?”
Remus considered, breathing in again,
“Yeah, but the scent’s old… maybe a day or so.”
“Right. Shall we take a walk, then? See if it gets a bit

stronger?”
“Ok…” Remus wasn’t sure how he felt, being the Order’s

bloodhound. But he wanted to find Greyback as much as
anyone, so he did as he was told.
They strolled up and down the clifftop for a while, until

Remus could be sure which way the trail led. As they headed
downhill, away from the sea and down towards a small
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country road, he grew confident that Livia and Greyback had

been there very recently, and began to walk faster. Ferox had
no trouble keeping up, of course; he was as fit and healthy as
he’d ever been.
“What will we do, if we find him?” Remus asked as they

walked. He was careful not to bring Livia into it, because - ok,
while she was definitely a killer, he couldn’t help feeling a bit
more sympathetic towards her. After all, she was his sister, in
a warped kind of way.
“Moody reckons they’re hunkered down somewhere for

the full moon,” Ferox replied, “Based on my research,
werewolves are weakest right after the moon, so we’ll wait
until then.”
“Your research?” Remus gave him a funny look.
“Few books I’ve picked up - there’s not a lot to go on,

beyond the NEWT level stuff.”
“Have you spoken to Madam Pomfrey? She looked after

me for seven years, she knows loads,” Remus said, trying not
to sound too impatient. “Or Marlene McKinnon? She’s been
constructing her own case studies, to see if any advances can
be made in lycanthropy treatment. Or, y’know. You could ask
me . I might know a bit.”
Ferox laughed good naturedly,
“All right lad, all right, I see what you’re saying. It’s just
that there isn’t always time to follow umpteen leads on a prick
like Greyback. Got to move fast.”
Remus said nothing, because it would only have come out

wrong. He really hated criticising Ferox, it felt so awkward
and embarrassing. He’d looked up to him as an ideal vision of
manhood, once, and he didn’t like tampering with that illusion
445
too much. But honestly .The way he talked, you’d think

Greyback was just some petty criminal, not a murderous
creature and charismatic cult leader.
The scent had grown very strong, now, and as they crested
the next hill, Remus could make out a large grey-black
structure in the distance. The ruins of an old castle - Scotland
was littered with them of course. This one was a tower house,
and looked like a big square prison squatting ominously over
the remains of a boggy moat.
“There.” Remus said, stopping short. “That’s where he’ll

be.”
Ferox clapped him on the shoulder.
“Good work, lad.”
***
Saturday 22nd November
Ferox didn’t want Remus present for the confrontation

with Greyback. Remus did not give a toss. He knew where to
go, and when, and nothing would change his mind.
“I’m coming too, then.” Sirius said, firmly, after he’d

wheedled enough information out of Remus.
“No you’re bloody not.” Remus said.
“Am too. Sorry Moony, but there is absolutely no way I’m

losing you to that monster a second time.”
“You didn’t lose me last time, you big drama queen, it was
a mission,” Remus countered, “Anyway, I can’t put you in that
sort of danger.”
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“I’m in danger every day,” Sirius shrugged, “If it’s right

after the full moon, you’ll need my help apparating.”
“I’ve done that before,” Remus dismissed, “It’s hard, but

I’ll manage. Anyway, this isn’t a normal mission, you
wouldn’t just be backup, you’d be leverage against me. He
knows who you are. He knows what you mean to me.”
“He made you tell him?!”
“Sort of. I told you they can read minds.”
“That bastard. I’m definitely coming with you.”
Remus had forgotten how strongly Sirius felt about

legilimency. Walpurga had used it as a punishment, and he
would forever associate mindreading with black magic.
Remus hadn’t raised the fact that this appeared to be a
werewolf trait, and that, when pushed, he could do it too.
Probably not a good idea to mention that just yet, he decided.
So Sirius got his way, of course, and Remus just hoped he

would be able to protect him.
They went to the Lake District for the full moon; a place
the marauders had enjoyed themselves before, a place with
happy memories. James and Peter didn’t go. James hadn’t
joined them for a full moon since Harry was born, and Remus
understood that he didn’t want to be away from his family too
often. Peter said something vague about working late, and
honestly Remus was too busy worrying about the upcoming
battle with Greyback to question it.
The wolf probably had a good time that night, but Remus
didn’t remember much about it. It all got lost in the blood red
haze of transformation, the choking and clawing and groaning
as he twisted back into his human form.
447
“Urrrgh!”
“I’ve got you, Moony,” Sirius had him by the shoulders,

pulling a cloak across his body. Remus forced his eyes open,
knowing how little time there was.
“Wand,” he croaked, getting up. Sirius handed it to him.

“We’ve got to go, now,” Remus said, leaning on Sirius for
support while he pulled his clothes on, hands shaking and
fumbling with the buttons on his shirt and trousers.
“We’re going, just take a breath,” Sirius said, his voice

calm and firm. “Hold on to me, I’ll apparate us…”
Sirius was as good as his word; he didn’t try to dissuade

Remus from going, or try to tell him what to do. He simply got
them where they needed to be.
Ferox was there already.
“All right, lads,” he nodded, keeping his voice low. It was

still quite dark under the grey Galloway sky, and the
grasslands were cloaked in swaths of gauzy mist, the castle
ruin rising from it black and foreboding. It was quiet, no
birdsong, no noise at all. Like a place out of time.
“Have you seen anything?” Remus asked, desperately. He

could smell them, the scent was very strong.
“Heard a bit of noise; must have been them turning back.”

Ferox said. He gave Remus a look, “You ok, our kid? Looking
a bit green about the gills.”
“Fine,” Remus swallowed, “Fine. We should go in now.”
“Right you are. Wands out.” Ferox straightened up and

started forward, “Pity we couldn’t get ‘em when they were
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wolves, eh?” He said, with a smirk, “Those pelts fetch a few

bob on the black market.”
Remus felt sick, the sweat on his back turned cold. Sirius
reached for his hand in the dark and gave it a squeeze, then
tossed his head and said sharply,
“Don’t say shit like that, it’s disgusting.”
Ferox glanced back at him, shocked, then at Remus. He

frowned,
“Sorry lad, didn’t mean anything by it.”
They didn’t say another word as they approached the

castle. Sirius and Ferox were trying to be quiet, but Remus
knew they may as well have been a herd of elephants sneaking
up on Livia and Greyback, whose senses were as sharp as his,
even after the full moon. Still, they might be slower; weaker.
When they were up against the castle wall, Remus felt it.
Greyback was waiting. The scent changed, and his head was
filled with that dreadful growling voice,
Hello, cub… brought me breakfast, have you?
“He knows we’re here.” Remus whispered, frantically,

“Be careful!”
Ferox touched his brow in a sort of salute, to show he

understood. Then he rounded the corner and entered, Remus
hurrying behind, and Sirius too. Ferox had his wand raised,
and as he stepped under the broken archway it the shadows of
the ruin, he opened his mouth - he had planned to use the
silver chain spell, to bind the werewolves and contain them
long enough for the Auror’s to take over - but it was too late.
449
Remus was only a split second behind Ferox, and saw the
rock come down. He stiffened, then crumpled to the ground,
blood oozing from the a cut at the crown of his head.
“No!” Remus cried, over Greyback’s laughter as the beast

of a man stepped into the early morning light, his face full of
glee. Livia sprung out next, and lunged at Sirius, grabbing his
wand and knocking him to the ground.
“Oooooh, who’s this then, brother? Pretty, pretty boy…”

she crowed, sitting astride him, holding both of Sirius’s wrists
over his head as he struggled. She looked thinner, but was
obviously as strong as ever.
“Let him go!” Remus snarled, raising his wand, furious.

Then he screamed in agony. Greyback grabbed his wand arm
and twisted it so hard he felt the bone snap.
“Remus!” Sirius called out.
Remus was almost blind with pain, and Greyback laughed

again, letting him go.
“Welcome back, cub,” he purred. “How I’ve missed

you…”
“Fuck you.” Remus groaned, staring about for his wand,

which he’d dropped somewhere.
“Now now,” Greyback chuckled, as Remus straightened

up to face him, clutching his broken arm to his chest. “You
should be on your hands and knees after what you did to me.”
“Kill him, father!” Livia cackled, “Kill the traitor Remus

Lupin, just as he killed my brother Gaius! Then I can have the
pretty one!”
Greyback grinned at her, fondly,

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“She’s full of bright ideas, my beautiful girl.”
Remus took the opportunity to look over Greyback’s

shoulder - Ferox was moving. Very slowly; he was obviously
hurt, but Remus saw his fist tighten around his wand.
“Go on then!” Remus said to Greyback, gritting his teeth

through the pain, “Kill me. Then what?”
“Then what?!” Greyback sneered, “Then I rip apart your

little human pet, that’s what. Then I tear him limb from
fucking limb - but not before I’ve had my fun with him…”
“You’re disgusting!” Remus shot back, stalling for time as

Ferox’s eyes opened. May as well tell Greyback what he
thought of him, while he had the chance, “You’re filth! You’re
nothing! You talk about freedom, but you don’t have the first
clue what it is! You’re nothing but a bully! Voldemort’s
lapdog!”
“Kill him!” Livia shrieked.
Greyback’s face had turned demonic with rage, yellow

eyes glowing, and Remus really thought that would be the
end. He scrunched his eyes shut and braced himself.
“What?! Argh!” Livia cried out again, and Remus heard a

dog bark.
He opened his eyes to see Livia knocked backwards by

Padfoot, who was growling - Remus had never seen him growl
before - teeth bared, frothing at the mouth.
“Father!” Livia yelped, “Help m---”
And with a flash of purple light, Livia was silent. Her eyes
went wide, a great black slash had cut her throat. She clutched
451
at her neck to stem the gushing blood, but it was no good, it

was too late.
Greyback gave a great roar of anguish, but Ferox was

already on his feet, wand up, ready to cast the same curse
again. Greyback was cornered.
“You’re a dead man.” He hissed at Ferox, and then, with

one final snarl, he disapparated.
“Bugger!” Ferox grunted, stumbling forward, still poised

to curse.
Sirius was Sirius again, and stood beside Livia, staring

down at her. Remus went over too, feeling an uncomfortable
mix of relief and genuine sorrow. Her grey fur cloak was
matted with blood, which looked deep purple in the dim light.
It was dreadful, but his first concern was for Sirius,
“Ok?” He asked, quietly.
Sirius nodded, still looking down. “You?”
“Think so.” His arm was throbbing, sending shooting

pains up into his shoulder; but he knew that could be fixed.
Livia could not. Ferox joined them, a hand pressed to his head
where the rock had struck him.
“Merlin, what a mess.” He muttered. “At least we got the

bitch.”
“Her name’s Livia.” Remus said, angrily.
He suddenly saw the scene as a passerby might. Three men

standing over her tiny body.
She could have ripped each of their throats out the night
before without stopping for breath. She was a force of nature;
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queen of the night; she was one of the strongest people he had
ever met. She was one of the only people in the world who
truly understood what it meant to be a wolf.
Her eyes were still open, staring blindly at the broad grey
sky. Remus knelt beside her, and gently closed them.
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY
WINTER 1980 & SPRING 1981
Chapter Warning – Alcoholism, Gore/blood, & Homophobia.
Well I love you baby,
I'm telling you right here.
But please don't make me decide baby
Between you and a bottle of beer!
Baby come on over;
Come on over to my side.
Well I may not live past twenty-one
But WOO!
What a way to die!
Sirius made Remus go straight to bed after the skirmish in

Galloway. Ferox summoned Moody to the scene, and he
excused them. Remus wanted to ask about Livia’s body - were
they planning to bury her, at least? He didn’t know if Livia
had had any wishes regarding her final resting place, but he
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170 • Winter 1980 & Spring 1981
assumed she’d prefer to be somewhere in nature; somewhere

moonlight could reach her.
Marlene came over the flat on her way to work to sort out
his broken arm.
“Thanks, Marls,” he smiled weakly, “I can do dislocations

no problem, but broken bones…”
“You really shouldn’t be doing spells on yourself,

Remus,” she chided, “You know you can always contact me,
if you need to.”
“I know.”
She left a sleeping draught and some more of her own

ointment for pain relief, and ordered him to stay in bed and do
nothing useful or important for at least forty-eight hours.
It wasn’t until the next day, when Remus woke up after

two in the afternoon, that he was suddenly gripped with terror
at the memory of Greyback’s last words.
“He’s going to kill Ferox!” He shouted, sitting up in bed.
Sirius came through from the living room, eyes wide with
concern,
“What?”
“We need to find Greyback!” Remus said, climbing out of

bed, limbs creaking, “He said he’d kill Ferox!”
“Moony, it’s all taken care of,” Sirius said, placing cool
hands on Remus’s shoulders, smoothing down his arms in a
comforting gesture, “Ferox is going to move to a safe house,
he’ll up his security and be extra vigilant, don’t worry .”
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“It won’t be enough,” Remus shook his head, batting away

Sirius’s attempts to calm him, “Moody and Ferox, they don’t
treat Greyback like a proper threat - look at what happened!
He’s more dangerous than they think, and now he’s angry…”
“I’m sure Moody knows that, even if Ferox is a bit

cavalier about it.” Sirius said. He was being so diplomatic; so
reasonable, it was infuriating. “How are you feeling? I’ll put
the kettle on, why don’t you have a bath? You’ll feel better…”
Remus did take a bath, because his muscles still hurt. He

slathered on a bit of poultice afterwards, which at least meant
he could straighten up fully. He refused to rest. All he wanted
to do was check on Ferox - make sure he had the right security
in place. After all, wasn’t it Remus who’d been doing all the
grunt work on protection charms? It was within his remit,
surely.
In the end, Sirius gave in and summoned Moody through

the fireplace. The Auror’s grizzled head hovered in the flames
like a hideous easter egg.
“All in hand, Lupin,” he barked, “You can stand down.”
“But Mad-Eye,” Remus pleaded, on his knees in front of

the hearth, “Greyback will find him, I know he will, he’ll be
able to follow the scent - if you just tell me where he is, then I
can--”
“Classified information.” Moody snapped. “Every

precaution has been taken. You can trust that the Auror’s
office can cope with a lone werewolf.”
Remus’s temper rose, and he was about to retort, but

Moody signed off. “No time for this, Lupin, it’s been a busy
week. Get some rest.”
Remus groaned furiously, slamming his fist on the rug.

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“See?” Sirius said, standing behind him, “Moody’s got it

all sorted.”
“But I need to be sure,” Remus said, climbing to his feet,

“They don’t understand, not really, not like…”
“Not like you do?”
“Exactly!”
“Remus,” Sirius’s voice hardened, out of nowhere, “You

need to be careful with that kind of talk. I think… I think you
ought to put a lid on the werewolf stuff, for a bit.”
“What?” Remus turned to look at him, blindsided. “‘The

werewolf stuff’!? What’s that supposed to mean? I am a
werewolf.”
“I know,” Sirius bit his lip, “But you’re a wizard too, and
you’re on our side. It just might be a good idea to focus on
something else, you don’t want anyone in the order to get the
wrong end of the stick…”
Remus gaped at Sirius as if he was a complete stranger.
“The wrong end of the stick…?”
“I’m not trying to upset you,” Sirius said, choosing his

words carefully, “I’m only warning you - things are bad
enough already, no one trusts anyone. Frank told me
Dumbledore thinks there’s a spy in the Order, and if you keep
bringing up how chummy you are with dark creatures then--”
“I am not ‘chummy’ with dark creatures!” Remus shouted.

“How can you… unless you’re saying I’m a dark creature
too?!”
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“Of course I’m not!” Sirius returned, clearly offended,

“It’s just... you know how much prejudice there is, and it’s not
going to do you any favours to broadcast this weird
connection you have with them. I saw Livia, I saw Greyback,
you’re nothing like them. Don’t let people think you are.”
“Has somebody said something?” Remus asked,

wondering where this was coming from, “Was it Danny, or--”
“No, it’s not… it’s… well, after you spent all that time
with them, people have raised concerns, that’s all. You can
understand that, can’t you?”
“No I can’t! I was only with the pack because Dumbledore

ordered it! Just like I’ve always done everything
Dumbledore’s told me to!”
“I know that…” Sirius looked away, as if embarrassed.
He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Remus knew that

gesture. Sirius was nervous. He clenched his jaw.
“Do you trust me?” He asked, knowing his body language

was aggressive, but not willing to temper it.
Sirius looked up at him, blue eyes filled with alarm.
“Of course I do! It’s just…” His eyes fell again, another
swish of hair, “You’ve always been good at keeping secrets,
Moony…”
Remus’s mouth dropped open. He clenched his fists, then

unclenched them.
“Fine.” He said, coldly. “If that’s how you feel.”
He turned and walked out of the flat. Sirius didn’t try to

stop him.
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Remus went to the nearest corner shop first, and bought an

extremely cheap and nasty bottle of gin. Then the problem was
where to drink it. He didn’t want to look like an alkie,
chugging hard spirits on the street in broad daylight. But then
he didn’t really have anywhere else to go, either.
He considered looking for Grant, but he didn’t know if

he’d be working that day. Grant had moved back to London
early in the spring, after too many times stuck on the late train
back to Brighton. He was living in a bedsit somewhere north -
but based on the telephone conversations they’d had, he rarely
slept there. Grant had a string of paramours, and if he wasn’t
attending a lecture he could usually be found bed hopping - or
at work, in the Sawyer’s Arms pub.
“Variety is the spice of life,” he teased Remus, “And I’m

crap on my own. Can’t hack the quiet.”
Remus knew how that felt. A lot of the time it was the
reason he drank. In the end, he decided he was too angry to be
around anyone else, and went to hide in the park like a proper
old waster. He ought to have gone to Grant’s, he thought, once
he was properly drunk; that would serve Sirius right.
He grieved for Livia, too; and made a silent toast. She’d

been cruel, yes, and a murderer. But none of it had been her
fault, really - not if you went back far enough. She’d been
taken by Greyback before she was old enough to speak; when
she was Harry’s age, maybe. Livia had no choice but to
become a killer, any more than Remus had a choice about his
drinking.
He went home eventually, when it got too cold. He hadn’t

thought to bring a coat when he stormed out. Sirius was sitting
on the couch, waiting for him, hands twisting anxiously in his
lap. When Remus walked in, Sirius took one look at him, and -
no doubt smelling the gin - shook his head, disappointed, and
got up to make a pot of strong tea.
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They didn’t say much, and they never spoke about

‘werewolf stuff’ again.
***
Remus did not celebrate Christmas 1980.
In fact, he did not see any of his friends, or Sirius, from the
full moon, which fell on 21st December, until January. He
spent it hiding in Moody’s cellar, with Danny McKinnon.
Ferox was dead.
Not just dead; destroyed; eviscerated. Ripped to pieces.

According to the Daily Prophet, every wall of Ferox’s house
was splattered with blood. Moody said that the carpet was so
saturated it squelched under their feet - the Aurors who’d
arrived on the scene.
Greyback had made good on his promise, just as Remus

had tried to warn them. But he couldn’t bring himself to say ‘I
told you so’. He was too angry. Angrier still, when Moody
told him he’d need to hide from the Ministry.
Ferox’s murder spurred the wizarding public to demand a

clampdown on werewolves. There were too many unregistered
names; laws needed to be harsher; the register ought to be
published. It was no longer safe - two days after Ferox’s death
hit the headlines, a known werewolf, Theodora Lupa, was
attacked in her home. She was fully registered, and had spent
the full moon locked up in the cells at the Ministry, but her
innocence it meant nothing to the vengeful mob.
What was more, the death eaters appeared to be using the

excuse to stir up more bias against magical creatures - it was
understood that Voldemort himself was offering a reward for
information on the locations of any ‘half-breeds’.
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So Remus was forced to hide.
“I’ll miss Harry’s first Christmas.” He said stupidly, as he

packed his suitcase.
“James and Lily will understand.” Sirius said. He was

watching Remus from the bed, pale with terror. “We all just
want you safe.”
“I know.” Remus nodded. There was nothing more to say.
They shared a chaste kiss goodbye. Things hadn’t been the

same since Livia died, and news of Ferox’s hellish demise had
turned Remus completely numb.
Moody was not much of a host. He blindfolded Remus and

made him side-along, so he had no idea where he was. He saw
none of the house - if it was a house - but the whole place
reeked of black magic, so heavy and thick Remus thought he’d
choke on it.
In the cellar, his blindfold was removed, and it was a sorry

sight. Danny sat on one rickety put-up bed, and there was
another pushed back against the opposite wall. There were no
windows, and the walls were bare brick. Moody had put aside
some provisions - he explained that there were so many
protection charms and cloaking spells on the cellar door that it
took hours to enter or to leave, so it was best they just sat tight
until he told them the coast was clear.
Remus agreed, only because he knew that he could break

the charms if he wanted.
There was a little toilet at the back with a sink - no shower,

so they’d have to do their best with a flannel and a bar of soap.
The food was all dried stuff that didn’t need too much
preparation, and besides that there was nothing at all. Remus
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was just glad he’d had the foresight to bring a few books. Not
to mention the bottle of firewhisky he’d stashed just in case.
“Hi.” Danny said, dully.
“Hello.” Remus nodded, as Moody locked the door at the

top of the stairs.
“This is shit, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Remus went over and set his suitcase beside his
bed, then sat on it. It sagged heavily, and squeaked. A faint
smell of mildew rose from it, which put him in mind of the
Shrieking Shack.
“Never spent a Christmas away from my family.” Danny

said. “Even when I was touring.”
Remus nodded, glumly. He hadn’t had Christmas without

Sirius in almost ten years.
“Couldn’t believe it when I heard about Leo Ferox. He

was so… I dunno, I just really thought he’d make it through
the war. Did you er… know him well?”
“He was my Care of Magical Creatures professor,” Remus

offered. He wasn’t quite sure it had sunk it yet. He didn’t
really feel very much, when he thought about Ferox; only a
blurry sort of wistfulness.
“Oh wow,” Danny said, “Bet he was good at that.”
“Yeah, he was,” Remus gave a small smile, “Had loads of

good stories.” He suddenly remembered Achilles, Ferox’s
kneazle - what had happened to it? He thought about
Greyback, in full wolf form, coming across the sleek silver
animal, and for the first time, his eyes filled with tears.
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Bugger. Why did this have to happen now ? He thought, as

his shoulders began to shake and he tried to get himself under
control. Why couldn’t I get emotional at the flat, when it was
just Sirius? Sirius wouldn’t care if he cried. It was no good.
He covered his face with his hands and just waited for it to
stop.
“Sorry, Remus,” Danny said, awkwardly. “I didn’t

realise… he must have meant a lot to you.”
That made Remus cry harder, because of course Ferox had

meant a lot. He was Remus’s first crush (not counting David
Bowie, maybe), even if Remus hadn’t fully understood it at
the time. He was one of the first adults Remus trusted, who
made him feel like a person with value. Maybe they’d clashed
a bit, as Remus had grown up, but no one was perfect.
“I’m sorry,” he coughed, wiping his eyes with his sleeve,

“It’s been a bad year.”
“You can say that again.” Danny said. “Oh, Marls says
hello. You should’ve seen her when Moody came for me, she
was all set to come along too.”
“Really?” Remus smiled, sniffing, “That sounds like her.”
“Yeah, she said to give you a hug and a kiss, so tell her I
did, ok?”
“Ok,” Remus laughed, feeling a bit more normal.
They pottered about a bit in their little living space. Remus

tried not to think about the cell at St Edmund’s, or the
Shrieking Shack, or the crypt in the forest - every cage he’d
ever been forced into. He unpacked his clothes, then, finding
nowhere to put them, re-packed them and slid his suitcase
under the bed, leaving only his pyjamas out.
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They had a little bit to eat - just some bread and cheese.
Remus hadn’t eaten any meat since hearing about Ferox.
“What were you going to do for Christmas, if you weren’t

stuck here?” Danny asked, over supper.
“Spend it at the Potters.” Remus replied, “With the new

baby.”
“Oh yeah, of course, you’re all mates, aren’t you,” Danny

nodded. “Marlene talks about you all like you’re celebrities.”
“Ha.” Remus grunted. “Maybe James and Lily. And

Sirius.”
Danny cleared his throat awkwardly.
“Marls said you and he were…”
Remus just looked back at him, holding his gaze, allowing

him to feel uncomfortable. Danny finally looked away,
“Obviously that’s fine. I’m fine with Marlene and Yaz, aren’t
I?”
Remus just shrugged,
“It’s a bit like being a werewolf,” he said, pulling the crust

off his bread, “Everyone’s perfectly ‘fine’ with it, as long as
you never bring it up.”
He had a few leftover cigarettes, and would have liked one

after dinner, but for one thing, he didn’t want to share, and for
another, there weren’t any windows and it seemed a bit rude to
smoke the place out. God , he thought, this is going to be
agony .
Things got even more awkward when it came time for bed.
They were both yawning, and agreed it was quite late, and that
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they were tired. Remus began to take his socks off, and stood
up to unbutton his trousers, when he realised Danny had not
moved. He couldn’t see why he was so shy; didn’t quidditch
players get undressed in front of each other all the time? James
had been a borderline exhibitionist in the dorm room at
Hogwarts. And surely Danny couldn’t be shy about scars;
Remus had heaps more than him.
“Close quarters.” Remus commented, hoping to put Danny

more at ease.
Danny twisted his mouth, eyes flicking up and down

Remus’s height.
“Er… Just so you know, it’s not like I’ve got a problem
with it… with you. But I don’t swing that way.” Danny eyed
him warily.
Remus rolled his eyes.
“Oh, poor me, whatever will I do?” He drawled, then

turned his back and got into his pyjamas.
He climbed into bed and rolled onto his side, facing the
wall, to prove that he couldn’t care less which way Danny
‘swung’. Have you seen my boyfriend?! He wanted to say. As
if I’d be interested in you, you big lump.
Eventually, Danny undressed and got into bed too, then

flicked out the light. Remus could hear his heart beating, and
realised that Danny could probably hear his, too. They had
even less privacy than they thought.
“Sorry, Remus.” Danny whispered, eventually, “I didn’t

mean anything by it.”
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That echoed something Ferox had said, and Remus felt the
sadness return. He rolled onto his back, and spoke to the
ceiling,
“It’s ok. Forgotten.”
Quiet for a while. Remus waited, hearing Danny poised on

the cusp of a question.
“Did he always know?” Danny whispered. “Sirius?”
“Hmm?” Remus squinted over at him.
“You know. Did he always know you were a werewolf?”
“Oh. Yeah - mostly. He worked it out, when we were

twelve or something.”
“And he still… I mean you still got together.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s good.” Danny said, sounding very earnest, “It’s

nice to think… to think someone might be able to look past it,
one day, you know?”
“It shouldn’t be something people have to look past in

order to love you.” Remus said, fiercely, “It’s part of who you
are.”
Danny didn’t reply.
Things got a bit easier between them, after the first night,
but they kept each other at a distance anyway. Remus did a lot
of reading. Danny sometimes exercised, doing press ups or
jogging on the spot. It was annoying, but Remus couldn’t
blame him.
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On Christmas day, Remus couldn’t take it any more, and

whipped out the bottle of fire whisky. They both got extremely
drunk, and spent all of Boxing Day hungover. The room stank.
By the 27th, they were climbing the walls. Remus had

finished his books - Danny had even read one of them, and
they’d tried to have a conversation about it, but Danny knew
so little about muggles that he hadn’t really understood the
plot.
“How much longer can it be?!” Danny said, exasperated. It

was the 31st, the last day of the year. “What if we’re still here
for the full moon?!”
“That’s weeks away.” Remus replied. He was lying on his

back on his bed, an arm slung over his face. Danny snored,
and kept him up all night. “Anyway, we’d be fine, best place
for us.”
“What if we attack each other?”
“Well, I won’t attack you if you don’t attack me.”
“You mean you can control it?!”
Remus sighed.
“Yeah. You can too. Not around humans, but other

animals. Other wolves, it’s fine. Why’d you think they live in
packs?”
“I never really thought.” Danny said. “What was it like?

The pack?”
Remus bit his lip. Should he lie? Or did Danny deserve to

know?
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“It… wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” He said.

That was the first time he’d admitted it. “Obviously Greyback
was… but the rest of them. The ones who split off - they were
ok. They were like family.”
“Well.” Danny said. “I’ve got a family already.”
That was how it went, with Danny. He wanted to know

things - he wanted to learn from Remus, but if he heard
anything that made him uncomfortable it was right back to
self-loathing.
Remus missed Sirius so much he swore he could feel it in

his gut like hunger. He wanted so desperately to have someone
he could really talk to; what a relief it would be to spend time
with his best friend, to relax. I’ll apologise, he promised
himself, I’ll never get angry at him again. I’ll kiss his feet and
crawl over hot coals and broken glass if it’ll get things back
the way they were.
He didn’t want to end up like Danny.
They were a week into the new year by the time Mad Eye
finally came for them. They both caught his scent at once, and
sat up, keenly staring at the door. They’d almost run out of
food by then, and Remus prayed this wasn’t just a grocery
delivery. He felt the charms being slowly undone, each layer
peeling back. Finally, the door swung open, and the clunk of
Moody’s wooden leg on the first stair.
“All right, boys?” He called. “Ready to get back to work?”
***
Coming out of that cellar was like coming up for air. Remus
felt as though all of his senses had been muted for weeks, and
now everything was a riot of colour and noise and scent.
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Moody wasn’t joking about getting back to work. He took

them straight to a new safehouse, where the rest of the order
were gathering for a meeting. Remus could smell Sirius as
soon as he got in the door, and it made him so giddy with
excitement that if he’d had a tail it would have been wagging.
He ran his fingers quickly through his greasy hair, and thought
about how awful he must look.
Moody led them down a corridor and - rather than going

straight through to the kitchen, where they could hear
everyone talking - veered into a small utility room, which had
a muggle washing machine inside and a big pile of dirty
towels in a basket.
“I’m bringing you through in a minute,” he explained, “Ms

McKinnon’s been harassing me every day for the past two
weeks to have you back, and Black’s threatened me with every
curse I’ve ever heard of,” he smirked indulgently. “So you’re
out now, but I need you both to listen, right?”
“Right.” They both nodded, blinking.
“The danger hasn’t passed. You’re still under threat. I

can’t have either of you leaving your homes without a
disguise. I’d rather you didn’t leave at all.”
“But how can we help the Order if--”
“There’s plenty you can do,” Mad-Eye raised a hand of

warning, fixing Remus with a hard look, “Research,
communications, tracking spells, what have you. Unless you
were enjoying your cosy little break in my cellar?”
They both shook their heads fiercely. No. Never.
“Right then.” Moody nodded, business-like again. “Come

on, then,” he pushed the door open and their filed out,
following him to the kitchen. It was crowded with people,
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most of whom Remus knew, and they all turned as soon as the
door opened, fifty pairs of eyes, all wide with mistrust and
worry.
“DANNY!” A blonde blur rushed past Moody and Remus

and body-slammed Danny, winding him. He chuckled and
hugged Marlene back,
“All right, sis?”
“Remus?” Sirius had stood up, and was crossing the room
anxiously, climbing over chairs and squeezing past people
who had to bend and twist out of the way, snatching back
mugs of hot tea. He had to look down as he approached, so he
didn’t trip, and his hair fell in front of his face, swaths of black
silk.
As he reached Remus, who was still standing half in the

hallway, Sirius had to raise his arm and sweep his hair back,
and Remus swore the room went completely silent for a
moment, and the only sound was the frantic thudding of his
own heart. He forgot to breathe, and gasped,
“Hi.”
Sirius smiled a little, and stepped forward, a hand on

Remus’s shoulder to push him out of the room, into the dark
hallway. Away from everyone else, Sirius slid his hand up
Remus’s neck, into his hair, and kissed him on the lips - so
beautifully.
***
Spring 1981
The honeymoon period after Remus’s hiding lasted well

into February. Both of them were so apologetic, and so
grateful to be together again, that for a while everything was
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wonderful - they were like teenagers again. Especially because

Remus wasn’t supposed to leave the flat, which meant that
there really wasn’t a lot else to do.
Sirius popped over to check on James and Lily and the

baby every now and then, and he still had missions to go on -
but he always rushed back to Remus as soon as he could. They
spent days and evenings lounging in bed together, eating
beans on toast and smoking and playing records. It was like
living on a private island - they’d even had to cut off the floo
connection for safety’s sake.
Luckily, Remus was allowed to keep the telephone, his

lifeline, and the others came over when they could. Mary
visited on her way back from work at least twice a week, to
avoid her noisy family.
“It's bliss, over here,” she smiled, sinking into the couch
and closing her eyes. “If you had a telly I’d never leave.”
“Ha, I’m working on it, trust me.” Remus replied. “Is it

really bad at yours? Do you want to stay over a few nights?”
“Nah,” she opened her eyes, “I want to be with my family.

They keep me normal. It's just… you know, they don’t know
anything about the war - I don't want them to know, but… it’s
so hard.”
“Sorry, love.” Remus said, wistfully. “Want a drink?”
Mary gave him one of her long, gentle looks, tilting her
head.
“No, Remus,” she touched his knee, “It's never a good idea
to drink when you feel like this. It doesn’t make things better,
does it?”
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Remus just shrugged. He didn’t see what the big deal was.
Mary just smiled again, and took a sip of her tea, and
continued as if nothing had happened.
“Anyway, I can always pop to Darren’s if I need a break

from the kids.”
“Darren? That kid you were going out with in fourth

year?”
“Well remembered,” she laughed, “Yeah, he still lives

across the hall. I go over sometimes, we’re friends.”
“Just friends?” Remus raised an eyebrow. Mary looked

down, suddenly sad.
“Yeah. That's all it can be, right now. He's a muggle, I’m
in the Order… I’m already putting my family at so much risk,
I couldn't bear if…”
She shook her head, her face resolute. “Sorry! I’m

supposed to be here keeping you company, not bringing you
down!”
She still didn’t want to drink after that, but they had a nice
long chat anyway. In hindsight, Remus would be glad that
Mary was there that night, and that she stopped him getting
drunk. Because that was the night James got hurt.
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-ONE
TRIAGE
Police and thieves in the streets (oh yeah)

Scaring the nation with their guns and ammunition,
Police and thieves in the street (oh yeah)
Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition.
From genesis to revelation,

The next generation will be, hear me
From genesis to revelation,
The next generation will be, hear me,
And all the crowd come in, day by day

And no one stops it in anyway
All the peacemaker, turn war officer
Hear what I say.
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477
171 • Triage
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481
171 • Triage
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483
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-TWO
SUMMER 1981
Chapter Warning – death of a key character.
Once I had a love and it was a gas,

Soon turned out; had a heart of glass.
Seemed like the real thing, only to find,
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind.
Once I had a love and it was divine,

Soon found out I was losin' my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind,
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind.
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172 • Summer 1981
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172 • Summer 1981
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-THREE
AUTUMN 1981
I loved the words you wrote to me

But that was bloody yesterday.
I can't survive on what you send
Every time you need a friend.
I saw two shooting stars last night

I wished on them - but they were only satellites
Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?
I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care.
I don't want to change the world

I'm not looking for a new England
I'm just looking for another girl.
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173 • Autumn 1981
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CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-FOUR
ARMISTICE
He who endured my hardships with me

He now has gone to the fate that awaits mankind
Day and night, I have wept for him
I would not give him over for burial
For what if he had risen at my cries?
Six days and seven nights I waited
Until a worm crawled out of his nose
Since he has gone
There is no life left for me.
- The Epic of Gilgamesh
509
174 • Armistice
510
The War, 1978 – 1981
511
174 • Armistice
512
Post War
1982 – 1995
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-FIVE
1982
Chapter Warning – depression, grief, alcoholism/alcohol abuse.
Times at a distance, times without touch,
Greed forms the habit of asking to much,
Followed at bedtime by builders and bells,
Wait 'til the doldrums which nothing dispels.
Idly, mentally, doubtful and dread -

Who runs with the beans shall go stale with the bread.
Let me lie fallow in dormant dismay
Tell me tomorrow, don't bother today.
Fucking ada! Fucking ada!

Fucking ada! Fucking ada!
Tried like a good 'un, did it all wrong

Thought that the hard way was taking to long
To late for regret or chemical change;
Yesterday's targets have gone out of range.
Failure enfolds me with clammy green arms,

Damn the excursions and blast the alarms,
For the rest of what's natural I'll lay on the ground;
Tell me tomorrow if I'm still around.
FUCKING ADA, FUCKING ADA!
515
175 • 1982
516
Post War, 1978 – 1981
517
175 • 1982
518
Post War, 1978 – 1981
519
175 • 1982
520
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-SIX
1983
These people 'round here

Wear beat down eyes sunk in smoke dried faces
They're resigned to what their fate is.
But not us, (no never) no not us (no never)
We are far too young and clever.
521
176 • 1983
522
Post War, 1978 – 1981
523
176 • 1983
524
Post War, 1978 – 1981
525
176 • 1983
526
Post War, 1978 – 1981
527
176 • 1983
528
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-SEVEN
1985
Chapter Warning – mention of HIV/AIDS (no deaths! I promise!)
Also a lot of sex discussed in this chapter, nothing graphic.
I've been loving you a long time;

Down all the years, down all the days.
And I've cried for all your troubles,
Smiled at your funny little ways.
We watched our friends grow up together
And we saw them as they fell.
Some of them fell into heaven,
Some of them fell into hell.
529
177 • 1985
530
Post War, 1978 – 1981
531
177 • 1985
532
Post War, 1978 – 1981
533
177 • 1985
534
Post War, 1978 – 1981
535
177 • 1985
536
Post War, 1978 – 1981
537
177 • 1985
538
Post War, 1978 – 1981
539
177 • 1985
540
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-EIGHT
1986
Chapter Warning – brief mention of physical abuse/battery.
Time up and time out for all the liberties you've taken
Time up and time out for all the friends that you've forsaken
And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashion
You're an accident waiting to happen
My sins are so unoriginal.

I have all the self loathing of a wolf in sheep's clothing
In this carnival of carnivores, heaven help me.
Goodbye and good luck to all the promises you've broken

Goodbye and good luck to all the rubbish that you've spoken
Your life has lost its dignity, its beauty and its passion
You're an accident waiting to happen
541
178 • 1986
542
Post War, 1978 – 1981
543
178 • 1986
544
Post War, 1978 – 1981
545
178 • 1986
546
Post War, 1978 – 1981
547
178 • 1986
548
Post War, 1978 – 1981
549
178 • 1986
550
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & SEVENTY-NINE
1987
When I look back upon my life

It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too;
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin

It's a sin
551
179 • 1987
552
Post War, 1978 – 1981
553
179 • 1987
554
Post War, 1978 – 1981
555
179 • 1987
556
Post War, 1978 – 1981
557
179 • 1987
558
Post War, 1978 – 1981
559
179 • 1987
560
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY
1989
Got on a lucky one

Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby!
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true.
561
180 • 1989
562
Post War, 1978 – 1981
563
180 • 1989
564
Post War, 1978 – 1981
565
180 • 1989
566
Post War, 1978 – 1981
567
180 • 1989
568
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-ONE
1990
And then she turns to me with her hand extended

Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight."

And she says "l've come to lighten this dark heart."
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here."
569
181 • 1990
570
Post War, 1978 – 1981
571
181 • 1990
572
Post War, 1978 – 1981
573
181 • 1990
574
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-TWO
SUMMER 1991
I’m sure that everybody knows

How much my body hates me.
It lets me down most every time
And makes me rash and hasty.
I feel a total jerk before your naked body of work…
Sexuality!
Young and warm and wild and free!
Sexuality
Your laws do not apply to me!
Sexuality
Don’t threaten me with misery!
Sexuality
I demand equality!
575
182 • Summer 1991
576
Post War, 1978 – 1981
577
182 • Summer 1991
578
Post War, 1978 – 1981
579
182 • Summer 1991
580
Post War, 1978 – 1981
581
182 • Summer 1991
582
Post War, 1978 – 1981
583
182 • Summer 1991
584
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-THREE
SUMMER 1993
I stumbled out of bed
I got ready for the struggle.
I smoked a cigarette
And I tightened up my gut
I said this can't be me; must be my double
And I can't forget (I can't forget)
I can't forget but I don't remember what.
Mr R. J. Lupin,
585
183 • Summer 1993
Professor Dumbledore wishes to pay you a visit today at about tea
time. He apologises for the short notice given, and hopes that
he will be made welcome. No need to provide refreshments.
Hoping you are well.
586
Post War, 1978 – 1981
587
183 • Summer 1993
588
Post War, 1978 – 1981
589
183 • Summer 1993
590
Post War, 1978 – 1981
591
183 • Summer 1993
592
Post War, 1978 – 1981
593
183 • Summer 1993
594
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-FOUR
SUMMER 1994
If you, if you could return

Don't let it burn
Don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude,
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining every day
I swore I would be true

And fellow, so did you...
Were you lying all the time?

Was it just a game to you?
595
184 • Summer 1994
596
Post War, 1978 – 1981
597
184 • Summer 1994
598
Post War, 1978 – 1981
599
184 • Summer 1994
600
Post War, 1978 – 1981
601
184 • Summer 1994
602
Post War, 1978 – 1981
603
184 • Summer 1994
604
Post War, 1978 – 1981
605
184 • Summer 1994
606
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-FIVE
EARLY SUMMER 1995
Chapter Warning – ptsd stuff in it. Also passing mention of child abuse..
We passed upon the stair

We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise
I spoke into his eyes;
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago.
607
185 • Summer 1995
608
Post War, 1978 – 1981
609
185 • Summer 1995
610
Post War, 1978 – 1981
611
185 • Summer 1995
612
Post War, 1978 – 1981
613
185 • Summer 1995
614
Post War, 1978 – 1981
615
185 • Summer 1995
616
Post War, 1978 – 1981
617
185 • Summer 1995
618
Post War, 1978 – 1981
619
185 • Summer 1995
620
Post War, 1978 – 1981
621
185 • Summer 1995
622
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-SIX
SUMMER 1995: GRANT
A long time ago

I watched him struggle with the sea.
I knew that he was drowning,
And I brought him into me
Now today
Come morning light
He sails away
After one last night
I let him go.
Mr Chapman,
We are very pleased to extend the following offer of employment to you
on behalf of Brighton & Hove City Council:
Social Worker - Child and Youth Welfare
Please see the attached brochure for details on your salary and working
hours. You have thirty working days to respond to this offer, by either
post or telephone.
We look forward to hearing from you.
A.P. Green
Head of Social Services, Brighton & Hove.
623
186 • Summer 1995: Grant
624
Post War, 1978 – 1981
625
626
Post War, 1978 – 1981
627
628
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-SEVEN
SUMMER 1995: SIRIUS
Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey

I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love.
But I'm not coming on.
I'm just paying my rent every day in the Tower of
Song.
629
187 • Summer 1995: Sirius
630
Post War, 1978 – 1981
631
632
Post War, 1978 – 1981
633
634
Post War, 1978 – 1981
635
636
Post War, 1978 – 1981
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-EIGHT
'TIL THE END
I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end
I just want to tell you nothing

You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me catch my breath
I love you 'till the end
I just want to be there

When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it's cloak
I'm lost for words - don't tell me
All I can say
I love you ‘till the end.
637
188 • ‘til the End
638
Post War, 1978 – 1981
639
640
Post War, 1978 – 1981
641
642
Post War, 1978 – 1981
643
644
Post War, 1978 – 1981
645
646
Post War, 1978 – 1981
647
648
Post War, 1978 – 1981
649
650
Post War, 1978 – 1981
651
652
Post War, 1978 – 1981
653
The End.
654
Out of the Blue
2016
Out of the Blue, 2016
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-NINE
GRANT: PART ONE
657
Grant: Part One
658
659
Grant: Part One
660
661
Grant: Part One
662
663
Grant: Part One
664
665
Grant: Part One
666
667
Grant: Part One
668
Grant,
I hope you are well. It feels silly writing that, but it's true. I
really, really hope you are well. Better than well.
Things are busy here. I can't say very much, as you know, but
I am ok, and Sirius too. We've spent more time with
Harry, which has been great. We had to move,
temporarily, so if you want to visit the flat, feel free, I
know you have the key. Just so you know, I put your
name on the deed. Call it insurance, or a gift, if you like.
Do you have a nice flat? How's the job? I miss talking to
you.
Love,
669
Grant: Part One
Remus.
670
671
Grant: Part One
672
CHAPTER
ONE HUNDRED & NINETY
GRANT: PART TWO
Chapter Warning – mentions of drug misuse.
673
Grant: Part Two
674
675
Grant: Part Two
676
677
Grant: Part Two
678
679
Grant: Part Two
680
681
Grant: Part Two
682
683
Grant: Part Two
Grant -
I found these at the flat, there were a few I thought
you’d like. There are records, too - Dad had good
taste!
You were right, he had a lot of happy memories here.
It looks like you did, too, and it felt unfair to
keep everything.
Best wishes,
Teddy Remus Lupin.
684
685
Grant: Part Two
686

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All the Young Dudes

Seventh Year 1977 – 1978 ............................................................................................ 9

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-FIVE

THE MARAUDER’S INTER-HOUSE

PRANK PLANNING CO-OPERATIVE

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SIX

Working hard, having fun. Hope you’re well.

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SEVEN

REMUS THE MARTYR

I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth

Substitute me for him

If undelivered, please return to :

Ms Hope Jenkins, Sparrow Ward, Cardiff City Hospital, Cardiff.

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-EIGHT

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

But they were fucked up in their turn

Man hands on misery to man.

'This Is The Verse' by Philip Larkin

I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you. I am afraid I

I was so happy to hear from you. I am sorry I cannot write more,

Please write again, to the address below.

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-NINE

Better get yourself together darling

Well we all shine on

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-ONE

Chapter Warning - Unpleasant Walpurga, PTSD from shit parenting.

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-TWO

Chapter Warning - sad, parent related stuff.

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-THREE

If I seem a little jittery I can't restrain myself

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FOUR

Her phobia is infection

He's a germ free adolescent

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FIVE

They were wonderful promises, but it wasn’t to be. Remus would

Anyway. It didn’t happen, and it did no good to dwell on.

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-SIX

Oh mine eyes have seen the glory of the theories of Freud,

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-SEVEN

NIGHT AND DAY

God save the queen.

God save the queen.

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-EIGHT

Chapter Warning - bullying.

Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-NINE

LEGACY - PART ONE

And as we wind on down the road,

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY

LEGACY - PART TWO

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-ONE

All our times have come

Come on baby, (don't fear the reaper)

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-TWO

Some unpleasant stuff.

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-THREE

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-FOUR

Stop your messing around (ah-ah-ah)

ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY-FIVE

Chapter Warning – upsetting topics including the death of a family member

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere