Aish HaTorah Called Out on Sexist Article

     Big Kiruv organization Aish HaTorah was bashed all over the internet today after posting the extremely sexist article "Five Ways to Turn Off a Guy" by Rosie Einhorn and Sherry Zimmerman. (I have included the text at the end of this post.) By this evening, they had posted the following message:

After receiving a barrage of comments from men and women from all over the spectrum of "just Jewish," including cultural, observant, and non-observant Jews, Aish opted to remove the offending post.
     My question is, how could Aish have gotten non-orthodox dating so wrong?
     Let's start with a few things.
     First of all, Aish is out of touch with the rapidly changing culture of the non-orthodox world.
I posted the following comments on Facebook this morning:

     As I stated, Aish is about 60 years out of touch. Their article (text posted below) calls for women to basically refrain from being opinionated, debating with the men they're dating, being too forward, dressing casually, being too open, pursuing a man they're interested in, writing about their intelligence and career and intellectual pursuits on their dating profiles, and basically retain that 1950s mentality of the submissive female looking to land a man.
I summed up my initial reaction in the following comment:

     Secondly, in the department of How Could Aish Have Gotten Non-Orthodox Dating So Wrong? it seems that I am not alone in reading the original article as a piece of sexist fluff, despite it being written by women. Maybe this article was meant to be seen as "Dating Shaming," with the women authors pitting themselves against other women in order to shame them into more submissive behavior. Regardless of the writers' (and Aish's) original intent, apparently the anger in Aish's own comments section made someone in their Public Relations department realize that they'd made a grave mistake. I'd like to thank the commenters on Aish's website for being honest and telling Aish HaTorah that their article was completely off-base. Here are some of the comments that erase the need for me to include too much commentary. (Click to enlarge any of the comments.)

FYI--Most people in the non-orthodox world are not ready to get married "after a few months!"

You can read the last few comments here, on Aish's site, assuming they haven't yet been removed.

 Aish HaTorah has since engaged in damage control, removing the offending article, so I'm reposting the text here. (Thanks to Heshy Fried at Frum Satire for providing me with the text. Read his response to the Aish article.)

"Five Ways to Turn Off a Guy" by Rosie Einhorn and Sherry Zimmerman

We consulted with three men who recently got married. Here’s their list of five surefire ways to make a man quickly lose interest in a budding relationship.
1. Debate with him. Alex told us, "I dated women who, from the very start, seemed to be out to prove that they were smarter or better informed than me. I got it – they were well educated, worked hard to get where they were in their careers, and wanted me to respect their intelligence, but trying to outdo me was a big turn off. I wouldn't try to argue with my date, tell her she's wrong, or get into a debate intended to end with one of us being the winner and the other the loser. That would make her feel terrible. I don't understand why some of the women I went out with did this to me. I felt emasculated and I didn't ask them out again.
"I'd tell a woman who wants to 'make a statement' not to do it when you're just getting to know each other. Get to know a little about each other, see how comfortable you feel talking, let him see the way you smile and learn what you have in common. Don't get into a heated political discussion or hear the fine details about your 'crusade'. That's not what first dates are about...or second dates. Save those deep, impassioned discussions for after you know each other a little more and want to know more about what makes each other tick."
2. Don't bother dressing nicely for a date. "If a man doesn't feel attracted to a woman within the first few dates, he's probably going to lose interest. I don't understand why a woman wouldn't want to play up her appearance by styling her hair, using a little makeup, and wearing attractive clothes. She looks better, she looks interested in making a good impression on me, and I feel good about taking her out. If a woman didn't seem to care about herself or about looking nice for me, I had no interest in continuing with her."
3. Overload your online dating profile. What does your dating profile say about you? If it's heavy with your professional and academic accomplishments and short on personality traits, it's time to rewrite it, as well as the "script" you friend use to describe you to potential dates. "Of course I want to find someone who's intelligent and capable," Max told us. "But when a woman is suggested to me, I want to hear about her character, how she relates to people, the kind of home she wants to have. It's fine to know that she's a lawyer or a stock broker or a physical therapist, but she should save the rest for LinkedIn. I'm looking for a wife, not a business associate."
4. Open up right away – about everything. You clicked right away with the new guy you're dating. His smile was so genuine, and the conversation between you just flowed. After that first date, you felt as if you'd known him for years and could be extremely open with him. So on your second date when he asked, "Why's a beautiful woman like you still single?" you decided to tell him your whole romantic history. He heard how you didn't feel good enough about yourself to date until after you had a nose job, learned that you fell into a depression after a man you thought would marry you met someone else, and found out that you and your sister didn't speak for two years after a man you both liked chose to date her. You were thinking: He's such a good listener, I can talk to him about anything! And he was thinking: This girl has boundary issues. I don't want to hear this stuff from someone I barely know. I can't wait for this date to end.
5. Pursue him. Your first date was great. So was your second. You haven't felt so optimistic about the future in a long time. He asks you out again and you want to know, "Where do you think this is going?" Instead of hearing an enthusiastic response, you notice that the positive chemistry between you seems to dissipate. That wasn't such a good idea, you tell yourself, and next time you meet a man with potential you hold back from asking the question. After the fourth date, you ask him to be your friend on Facebook and a What'sapp contact. He's one of the many you keep entertained with the latest dramas at work and the antics of your pet cat, and you also email him a couple of times during the day. When you realize he hasn't called to ask for another date after two days, you telephone him to see what's happened. You still don't realize that the faster you try to push him into a relationship, the faster he runs in the other direction.
Some men are flattered when a woman engages in mild flirtation or smiles to show her interest. They may even accept a woman's invitation for coffee or a drink. But at that point, most men need to turn the tables and become the pursuer. They're hard-wired to want to win a woman over. When a woman can't relinquish her pursuit or appears too eager to have a relationship, a man can't see her as special enough to go after and loses interest.
Yes, we plan on writing a follow up article, “Five Ways to Turn Off a Woman” Let us know what you think of the list in the comment section below.*

     I really hope that Aish HaTorah realizes just how out of touch they are with the non-orthodox world of dating. As many stated, we're no longer in the 1950s. I hope that women in the non-orthodox world will continue to be assertive, confident, and true to themselves. I hope the women getting involved in these organizations will really look beneath the surface to see the misogyny that does exist within the world that outreach professionals are selling. And I truly hope that kiruv organizations like Aish HaTorah will begin to realize that the modern world has no place for gender bias. Keep speaking out.


Article Citation
*Einhorn, Rosie, and Zimmerman, Sherry. "Five Ways to Turn Off A Guy." January 4, 2014.

Outreach Yeshivas: Insulting Paying Parents?

photo credit:
http://transitionvoice.com

  An issue that continues to stay close to my heart is that of the lack of religious tolerance shown towards women: both those of the orthodox world and those who are part of the Conservative, Reform, or other liberal branches of Judaism. Every time I hear about another incident in which Haredi men throw chairs at the Women of the Wall, or that women are arrested for praying at the Kotel [the Western Wall] in a way that is not in alignment with orthodox Judaism, I burn with anger not only for those of my gender who just want to have religious freedom, but for those women who are being taught in outreach programs that women have the right to pray at the Kotel, but only as dictated by the ultra-orthodox institutions in which they're learning. This week, Debra Nussbaum Cohen wrote in the Forward that:
  

In a March 14 letter to Anat Hoffman, chair of Women of the Wall, Yossi Pariente wrote that he met with a deputy attorney general for the government of Israel to go over the rules pertaining to Women of the Wall, which include prohibitions on:

…Wrapping yourselves in tallitot [prayer shawls], holding a minyan [prayer quorum] of women including the Kaddish or Kedusha prayers, and reading from the Torah.

Pariente warns that, starting on the next Rosh Chodesh, which falls on April 11, Women of the Wall will be arrested and charged with breaking the law for doing any of these things.1

The most recent arrests were on February 11, when ten women were arrested for wearing tallitot [prayer shawls] at the Wall. Yes. They were arrested for wearing fabric to which people ascribe spiritual importance. Because Haredi men find this offensive, Israeli police were used as tools of the ultra-orthodox to arrest non-orthodox, yet obviously religious, women who chose to pray in a non-orthodox manner.
     Not only is it reprehensible that women are being arrested for spiritual practices that don't hurt anyone, it is appalling that not one kiruv/outreach group (to my knowledge at the time of this post) has stood against these arrests. By not standing up to the maltreatment of Jewish women (who want to pray!) by a Haredi-controlled Israeli police force, these groups are complicit in these acts.  To add insult to injury, the Women of the Wall practice liberal and tolerant Judaism--the same type of Judaism practiced by the Conservative and Reform parents of the students attending Israel's outreach yeshivas. These parents are often the ones who foot whatever remains of the sometimes-subsidized bills for their sons and daughters to remain in these ultra-orthodox programs, and are often hit up with requests for donations to these institutions. These are the very same institutions that consistently condemn and disrespect the parents of prospective baalei teshuvah (newly religious Jews) by insulting the way they raised their children, by making nasty comments about their denominations, and by attempting to make young adults ultra-orthodox.


1. Cohen, Debra Nussbaum.  Crackdown Continues for Women at Western Wall. 4/3/2013. Forward Mobile. accessed 4/5/2013.