"I feel insecure about my weight gain in my marriage"

Query: Both me and my husband were on the heavier side when we got married. We both continued to gain weight, especially me after my first child. In the past one year, he’s taken control of his diet and workout and his fittest self ever but I am still the same. I don’t feel loved anymore. I hate my body like I have never hated it before. He shops a lot while I hate going to shopping malls as I can’t find anything in my size.Moreover, I am always fearing comparisons with my husband and it’s making me super anxious and depressed. Please help.
Response by Aanchal Narang: Thank you for actually asking such an important question, I am sure there will be a lot of people who will be able to relate to your question and (have) similar concerns.
So, firstly I would like to understand if you would be comfortable to address some of your insecurities and how you feel (with) your husband.
Secondly, I would want you to reflect on whether you had a conversation about your insecurities with him already or not.
I would want you to explore what is actually stopping you from losing weight and living a better lifestyle. Since that is something that your husband has been able to achieve, you both live in the same house. A lot of times we don't realise something that stops us from trying something new is our fear of failure is that something you have done in the past. And not been successful and maybe you have some unresolved feelings about it that you would like to address.
We often get attracted to people with similar body weight and who look similar because there is a sense of security that we develop. As you have mentioned in that question, now since one of you has taken up to live a better lifestyle, lose weight, it's very normal for you to have lots of insecurities about that. and it is also normal for you to feel betrayed because suddenly the person who looked like you, has taken a grip on life, lost weight, and figured out the food but you might be struggling with, (it) might make you feel a sense of betrayal.
It might make you feel even worse about your life and self. Feelings of depression and anxiety are extremely normal because you might be constantly reminded of how you aren't capable of doing this, in the current state. My suggestion is to not dwell on that but also to look at what is stopping you from doing that.
Sometimes in life, we have parts of ourselves which stop us from doing some of the things that are necessary so I’d like (recommend) you to explore that. You have also mentioned social anxiety and how you are scared, people will compare you to your husband. I think that is also something you should discuss with him and lay down boundaries in social settings if somebody compares how you look with your husband, you should draw a strong boundary about that and your husband should be on your side and shut them down. I do understand in Indian society (people) often comment on how people look and their weight. Something that should not be done.
Another thing that I would like to address here is that it doesn’t matter how you look or what your size is. I know the world makes you feel like but I would like to tell you that you deserve love and the fact that you are not feeling loved is again something you should address with your husband.
A little quick tip: often body weight is related to trauma, especially if you have had that weight for a long time. I would ask you to look in and maybe talk to a therapist and see if that’s connected to your past.
Aanchal Narang, Counselling Psychologist and founder of Another Light Counselling
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